Off to Thailand for first time next week

check the adams apple

me too kenbo, but going nowhere near Bangkok, just need some much needed r&r in the sun.

You'll need a big stick to keep the women away (or boys) ! Don't know where to start really as you've picked two popular places out of so many.

Many years ago on Koh Samui I stayed at Lamai resort - the bungalows were called Magic resort - guess the rest but two things on the menu were three times the price of everything else - saw a christmas tree attacking a man (he was actually just hanging lights on the tree, my buddy knew I was gone and said, 'Look that trees attaching that bloke', I looked and that was it I was in a laughing fit for about 15mins and all night when I thought of the tree I had another laughing fit).

I am sure there are still places like that there - it was so long ago I went the airport runway was mud and not even tarmac.

You'll have fun and you would only some unstuck if you are complete **** - no street sense.

The lady in the restaurant said if I did not like the trip drink real coconut juice, nature puts right what it puts wrong - be **** if I am climbing a coconut tree on mushrooms I thought - no problem as they fall from the trees quite regularly or a bar will give you some - they'd kill you if they hit you which was why the pathway through the bungalows meandered, it was working its way clear of the coconuts on the trees, doesnt help if your pissed but you takes yer chance.

If you cop a ladyman by mistake then dont worry, just dig in and have some fun, they are a good laugh and they can keep a secret for a price and I doubt they know of this forum.

Don't set an itinery - just go with the flow, all will reveal itself to you in a pleasant way.

Motorbikes were dodgy, things may be better now but i was with a Thai bird and she used to drive me around cos I was always pissed and on shrooms and the police had a habit of pulling farang (foreigners) on motorbikes  for a roadside fine. Also if a Thai knocked you off the bike they would probably come back and run you over to make sure you were dead, but this was 25years ago and only really relevant in the wilder areas, tourist resorts are okay and usually have police looking out for tourists but I always wandered off into local areas to see the real thailand.

I could talk all day about thailand, spent many happy years going there, only ever felt threatened when it was my own fault for wandering off into non tourist areas with women.

Just stay clear of drugs, there's enough fun in thailand to be had without drugs.

Sure you will love it, certainly f*cked up my life whilst simultaneously showing me what a boring prudy country we live in.

Phuket may be a bit difficult to get to from Koh Samui unless the local transport has changed, there might be a plane now as the airports bigger on Koh Samui.

Phuket is also nice, much bigger than Koh Samui, I stayed in a guest house on Karon beach - pleanty of action there and a bit quiter then Patong beach (the main resort).

Of course none of this is of interest to you if you are going with your wife, you will wish you had'nt believe me, But if you do have a wife in tow you can still go in any of the girlie bars - the girls will talk and be friendy to your wife whilst your pulling your hair out and biting your knuckles!

If your with a tour company then I would ignore their trips (they use local agents anyway), just go to one of the many local travel firms around the resorts, they run a lot of trips and pick up at the hotel. We hired a minibus with driver for three days and he just took us around, he slept in the minibus and we bought him food, he was happy as f*ck. Tipped him well but in thiose days the exchange rate was in the 60s and 70s for a £.

Make sure you have medical insurance, and read the small print about morotbikes if you want to add one, see if your covered as a driver or passenger as there a lot of cheap motorbiek taxis to get around and you need to be sure you have cover.

I had an accident on the back of my mates bike, he was pissed as f*ck and so was I, I ended up in hospital for three weeks having my leg pinned, insurance covered it, would have cost me about £3k if I did not have decent insurance.

You just have to take the rough with the smooth, there used to be a saying called 'TIT', it means 'This is Thailand', never really understood what it was menat to convey.

Have fun, you lucky barsteward !

What was I saying about dirty old men?!!!

How´s the beach in Lamai?

Old

Did you have a good time there, Hitmanhearn?

You've started me off now, my brains having continuopus flashbacks, my diry disgusting past flashing before my eyes. I am a dirty old man as Kenbo says but at the time I was young. I can't tell you eberything as I need to take certain things to my grave.

I'll have you know I was not known as the 'Beast of Bangkok' for nothing !

Beach was okay as far as I can remember (shrooms), not a beach person myself, more of a ****man who prefers interacting with the locals (females). I remember the usual rent a deckchair but they also supplied food, there will be hawkers selling tat and you can actually get a massage on the beach.

Normaly a genuine massage is classed as 'Traditional' and the masseuse tends to not wear a bikini or stroke your c*ck - probably be an older sunburnt strong thai women (If in Bangkok try 'Atami' massage if its still going, Japanese birds(the most beautiful in the world imo) - used to get to pick from behind the glass window, can have two if you want, a drink and a shower massage all for about £25 (no idea what it costs now but who cares, your on holiday).

One world of warning, those Thai birds never forget a face, I had all sorts of s*it when I returned,they seem to think you have come back to see them again when in fact your after their mates so its better to float around different bars - there are plenty, its just that you tend to get a preference for a few particular bars and the girls get to know you.

I sh*gged this one bird on one trip, her room mate was nice aswell, they all are. Went back six months later and thought I'd pop in and say 'hello' to the girl from last time, (remember they never forget a face) found her mate instead and she told me her mate had gone off with a bloke, so I took her mate back and sh*gged her instead. Afterwards the bird I am with jumps up runs out the room and comes back with the other girl - laugh, they did, its all a game and business to them.

If you end up like me, I am sure you will then you'll get a bad reputation, the girls will call you 'Dou Shou', it means 'Butterfly', sometimes when I apporached a bar to sit down they would shout 'Dou Shou' Dou Shou', ' Butterfly'. Just ignore them, there joking with you cos they recognise you as taking different girls from that bar - they will go with you if you want - f*ckme when your gone there hardly faithful (they'll tell you they will ait for you to come back again, they won't sleep around if you send them money - all bullshit and lies - you'll knwo when you get a good one, good ones go home if you send money and dont stay workign in the bar - experience will get you there, this trip you got no chance cos your going to fall in love with every one of them.

They call you 'Butterfly' because Butterflys go from pretty flower to pretty flower (pretty girl to pretty girl) - cute analogy I thought !

Learn a few phrases, girsl love it if you can speak a bit of thai - they will teach you. The only dodgy one I could never get is 'Kwai', like The bridge over the river kwai - we English pronounce it Kwai which I thick means your d*ck in Thai, I think then pronounce it 'Kway'.

Get the girls laughing and your on a winner - if you get one who understands english(a load of them do) ask her to say in Thai 'Who Sells Chicken Eggs'!.

You can probably walk around the resort, bikes only if you want to go somewhere on the island like the Big Buddha up top of Island if its still there, but there are buses and taxis - we hired a taxi in Bangkok for a day, they took us to places and at the end of the day we asked them how much (cant remember why we did not set the price first), they said make us an offer, my mate said 1000 Baht and they bit our hands off - that was about a tenner but we then realised petrol or gas is so cheap, to them 1000Baht was a lot.

Not sure if Emirates is a 'dry' airline, but they have beautiful stewardess to get your juices flowing before you land. For years I messed around looking for cheapest flights, ended up saving £100 but spending to much time in airports waiting for connections - in the end I just went with Qantas for about £500, non stop flihgt - I remember makign sure it says non stop as direct is not the same as non stop - get on Heathrow, get off Bangkok, Taxi to Pattaya and off you go - I hear it better now with the new airport - its on the outskirts as the traffic in Bangkok is unbelievable, but worth a look.

You'll meet other guys there on heir own - I used to go every xmas - I used to get a courier flight, don't know if you have heard about them, really cheap way of travelling last minute - deliver a package for a cheap flight, onyl once had to find an office in Bangkok, other times just picked up and dropped off at airport - fares were around £150 instead if £500 - I used a company at Heathrow airport (forgot the name), no internet in them days so I expect a google search of courier flights will pop up loads.

I recommend Bier Chang if you can get it, you'll probably come across 'Singha' beer everywhere but 'Chang' I found better (Elephant on the bottle).

I am so jealous of you - its a lovely place - you'll be back there again within 6 months, I used to go every 6 months, I never really found a quiet time to go, but I remember Sept to December is rainy season and April is the hottest. I used to go Xmas and August - Xmas was fun.

Bag up and you'll be fine - no bareback !

Don't be worried if the bird drags you in the shower first, they normally wash you and themselves first (and they are also cleverly having a look at Mr Wiggly to see what sort of shape he is in - they might give him a little squeeze to check your okay - dont be offended - after the shower dont forget to bag up, the girl should make sure your bagged, if she doesnt then ask for her medical check card (she should have one)- many a time you might be done by the time your out of the shower - try and get yer moneys worth.

Try and find girls at the nornal bars as taking a girl from a go-go bar is expensive, you have to pay a bar fine which for a go-go bar was about 500Baht*£10) whereas a normal bar was about 100Baht(£2) - also make sure your hotel lets the girls back for free - bigger hotels charge 500Baht (£10) and take the girls ID card. I always went back to their room, its fun, you get to see another part of the town, eat on the streets and drink at little bars with relaxing thai music (well away from the tourist part of the town).

Takign a girl from the bar is okay as they should be keepign an eye on their medical card, they will not let them work if they are not 'clear'. The bar Mama San will also ensure you are okay, a bird I was with was a nutter - beautiful but bonkers, my fault I f*cked her mate and f*cked her around and she had my passport and plane tickets in her room, the Mama San got me my pasport and tickets back, ther girl knew she had to give them back or she could not work again at the bar.


I sure do miss it - if you don't enjoy yourself with the girls you must be a '****', it that is the sace then you'll still have fun.

PS.I actually have a Thai wife, they are a very forgiving people as she was told all about how bad I was, I don't think she believed all of what she was told (that was lucky), anyway she knew the score but once we got together I did stop being mental - the place just drives you mental.

Are you Jay from the Inbetweeners?

The hookers are stunning but you're the 10th **** that day and you're wearing protection because shes riddled with STDs. Definitely put me off a bit.


Having said that, If I ever got diagnosed with terminal cancer or aids Id be straight on a  flight there  fcking them all bareback having the time of my life.



Its a brilliant country but it has been ruined by the tourists imo. Every spectacular place has 5 tourist boats moored up and a bunch of black people selling knock off ray bans

I'll have to make do with Asian Connections on the telly!

depends on your age and who you are with,samui is ok but don,t go to Koh Phangan unless you are
young and want rave and drug action,not recommendid.same as phuket be aware there are many scammers there but if you are streetwise its a great place.learn a couple of thai words (sawasdee) hello
mi pen rai (your welcome)plenty more on google,it wiil help you. good luck

Jays my apprentice, he still has a lot to learn --- he would not last five minutes in the 'No Hands Bar', or the 'Red Fox' ladyboy bar at the top of walking street, they even fooled me in there but I am sworn to secrecy as to what happened !

I've got a photo somewhere of my mates ladyboy, 17 yrs old called 'New' (everything was 'New' he-she said) - picture with him/her sat on my lap. I used to slip the picture in with all the others of real girlies and nobody ever noticed, she really was feminine and beautiful. Unless you have been to Thailand and been close enough to smell a ladyboy you can't really understand. It speaks volumes for them when the bar girls idolise them and always ask them for make-up and fashion tips.

As I said you have to be there to understand, you have to have been there in the dimly lit bar, ladyboy on stage gyrating and singing seated in the oversized champagne glass, two ladyboys on either side, one grabbing yer c*ck, one tongueing yer ear and the other two trying to pick yer f*cking pockets - you gotta love um, just trying to make a living.

I'll pop back later and tell you about the pictures of me being n*shed off by a Thai bird I left for my Arab friends scattered around the shops in the transit lounge of Dubai Airport.

I might also tell about the love boat, the gondola that was pushed around the bar with a bloke in it s*agging a bird, all you get here is a f*cking jukebox!

Or the fat f*cking kraut who wandered on stage to give us a live show with a little thai bird (owners perks me thinks).

Wish I could find the picture - I'll have a look around.

I have actually also visited the Grand Palace but found it a little tame !

I spent two years out there - your 'butterfly' remark has got me going.  Because I was so young I had nice skin and they called me cherry boy - wow!!! What an education for a guy off an english council estate.  It changed me forever.  Must go - one of my suspenders is digging into my ar$e!!!

This is already turning into a quite magnificent thread.

A true meeting of minds, which along with the 'favourite category of porn' thread gives hope that 2016 might yet see Chit Chat regain some of its former prestige.

just on that subject, I read that folk from UK don´t need a visa, is that right?

RE Visa,  you should be given a "visa waiver" card to fill in before you land in Thailand. There are 2 sections to fill in for arrival and departure. Make sure you fill it in correctly as it will save you any hassle as you hand it in at passport control. This visa waiver allows you to stay in Thailand for 30 days. If you overstay by only a day or two this should be not too much of a problem (**disclaimer: this info could change at short notice**) as on your departure from Thailand you will be directed to the "overstay office" as you go through passport control and you have to pay a fine for each days overstay (not sure how much, but I think it is 500B for each day over your 30 days.

If you intend to stay in Thailand for more than 30 days you could always apply for a 60 day tourist visa from the Thai embassy in London or one of the Thai consulates in the UK (the 2 I know of are in Hull and Birmingham)




PS

I believe if you are a foreigner and involved in a road accident it will always be your fault because obviously the accident only occured because you were there.

May sound obvious but ...
don't in any way get involved in drugs lots about but if you get caught could be Life Imprisonment mate.
Bang Kwang prison also known as the Bankok Hilton is not a nice place...