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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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A few months ago my son attended the opening of the school time capsule from the 1970s.
The box was reburied quickly after it was found to contain a gollywog, a stylophone, 2 Gary Glitter albums, a Jim'll fix it medal and an it's a knockout annual. |
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Chap went to the opticians complaining that he was struggling to see
The optician walked him to the window, pointed out of it and said, "What's that up there"? Bloke said, "the sun" Optician said, "how far do you want to see"? |
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In my promiscuous youth I once caught an STD from a nurse.
Clap from the NHS. It was touch and go for a while thought i was a goner here |
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I've just seen a story that doctors have delivered the first successful birth of a baby from a brain-dead mother.
Nonsense, this has happened hundreds of times on the council estate near where I live. |
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IDS calls himself a Christian
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Some people only write lockdown because they can't spell kwarinteen.
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There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me 'Onestone' again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that 'Onestone' meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, 'Onestone'... Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Goes to show you can't kill two birds with Onestone. |
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. |
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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus. |
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!" The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me. I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming. |
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How did you pass the time? Painfully?
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Getting fed up with this lockdown now. My wheelie bin's been out more than me.
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Matt Hancock recently went to a small isolated village in the middle of nowhere to ask about their problems
We have two big needs,” said the village spokesman. “First, we have an infirmary but no doctor.” Raab whipped out his mobile phone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception ... |
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I could never work out why frisbees looked larger the closer they got . . . then it hit me.
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The Nightingale Hospital in Glasgow has been renamed:
ICU Jimmy |
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My missus was so clever at school.
She got more A's than a scouser trying to break up a fight. |
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Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch …
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterwards, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses, she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Bali. Sue relates that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne. They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy. Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect p*nis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front-drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray. Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg. |
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I was explaining to a mate that we don't use the word "handicap" any more because it's derogatory. We now use the word "disability".
"OK," he said. "What's your golf disability?" |
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A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?” |
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Ring ring --Ring ring
"Hello, Jeremy Corbyn" "Jeremy, it's Diane Abbott -- I'm in Scotland -- Where is Loch Down ?" |
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Scotland should open a place for quick divorces called Regretna Green.
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I don't usually tell dad jokes...
But when I do he laughs. |
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The oil price has turned negative, as the world's drilling companies are running out of places to store the stuff.
I hope no-one makes any crude jokes about this. |
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Father Murphy's donkey.
Father Murphy was the parish priest in a small town and the church was always short of money when the roof started to leak something had to be done. All the possibilities were looked at then one parishioner said 'Why not get a racehorse, racehorse owners always have money' Father Murphy thought this was a good idea and went to a horse sale in a nearby town to buy a horse. When he got back he was told 'that's not a horse its a donkey'. Father Murphy thought 'this is a sign from the good lord, was it not the Blessed Virgin herself who rode into Bethlehem on a donkey' He prevailed on a racehorse train to train the donkey, being a good Catholic he couldn't refuse the priest. It turned out the donkey could run and was soon beating some of the trainers best horses so it was entered in a race on the first day of the local races, the stewards were not happy but they were Catholics so could not refuse. On race day the donkey came in second in its race and the editor of the local paper who wasn't a Catholic came up with the headline. Father Murph's @ss shows This did not amuse the bishop who called Father Murphy and asked what was going on when told and how much the donkey had won he said OK race again but no bad publicity. The next day the donkey won its race and the headline in the paper read; Father Murph's @ss out in front The Bishop called again and was not happy but when told the donkey had won almost enough to repair the church roof he said 'OK one more race' When the next day the donkey came in third, the headline read; Father Murph's @ss back in place Another call from the Bishop and Father Murphy was told 'get rid of that animal, give it away whatever' It happened the Convent a little out of town had a big field of long grass and Sister Mary loved animals so the donkey was given to her. The editor who wasn't going to let a good thing go easily came up with the headline; Sister Mary has the best @ss in the district The Bishop called again in a very bad temper and yelled ' I want that animal right out of the district, sell it, do whatever you like but get it gone' A passing farmer heard of the donkey for sale and bought it from Sister Mary for 10 pounds loaded it on his lorry and that should have been the end of the story...But the editor had other ideas and the headline read; Sister Mary sells @ss for £10 |
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So John Lennon was rubbish at Cluedo was he? (Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds)
Well I'm not, it was Mark Chapman, with a gun, in New York. |
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Scotland should open a place for quick divorces called Regretna Green.
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Did you know vampires aren't real?
Unless you Count Dracula. |
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A woman has a saucy secret rendezvous with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend, and they make love for hours.
Afterwards, as they’re lying in bed together, the woman’s home telephone rings. As she answers, her lover listens in, only hearing her side of the conversation. “Hello? Oh, hey… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful… Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you, too. Bye.” She hangs up the phone and her lover looks at her curiously. “Who was that?” he asks. “Oh,” she replies. “Just my husband. He was telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you. |
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Just cleared out the shed and put all the dogging gear up for sale on eBay.
Nobody has bought it yet but there are 14 people watching |
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At an international meeting, two surgeons were having an argument. The Indian surgeon was saying, "No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba"
The African surgeon is saying, "No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm" They go on like this for about 10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them. "Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is "Womb." After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says, "I bet you he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart underwater! |
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Thousands of Facemasks arrive on British soil from Turkey.
They come over here, draping our gobs. |
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I described my feminist daughter as, "Just imagine if Greta Thunberg somehow instantly gained 275 lbs, and also grew a wispy moustache."
According to the police though, I'm making a complete mockery of the missing-persons report. |
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Got to feel sorry for teachers next year who'll keep hearing "Well, that's how my parents taught me to do it"...
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Hardware store changes name to B&Queue
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I have a friend who is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic but, because of this lockdown, he's off work at the moment so l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end and he jumped at the chance.
l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing. |
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Auto-correct made me say things I didn't Nintendo.
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I was in the bedroom and going at my wife hard from behind.
"Thrust harder, thrust harder !" she screamed, "OH yes, the Lube is working !" And then three seconds later, the fat bint finally popped through our door frame. |
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I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my hair and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. |
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"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion" - Spike Milligan
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