Chit Chat
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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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Put the bins out last night.
Wife and neighbours started clapping. Sarcastic b'stards. |
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People used to laugh when I said I had dyslexia. They're not coughing now.
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Lidl management today said that because of the panic buying and pandemonium in their stores that they are taking drastic action and opening another till.
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Bored now.Just been turned down from the NHS volunteer scheme-they've got enough gynecologists apparently,
just waiting to hear back from the Breast clinic now. |
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Don't go to the pub. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.
Honestly, Boris Johnson is starting to sound like my wife. |
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Where would we be without soap and water?
France |
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It seems they took a neighbour to hospital last night and they put him on a new Dyson ventilator. This morning they said he was picking up nicely.
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Why do drugs when you're over 40?
When you can just stand up quickly. |
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My electric fan has contracted Coronavirus.
It’s currently self-oscillating. |
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A Swedish psychologist has traced Greta Thunberg's problems back to a hot summers day when her ice-cream melted.
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I've just seen the new Batman shampoo in Tesco.
I believe they are missing a key market by not producing a conditioner Gordon. |
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Carragher and Rogers debating Coronation St.
 https://youtu.be/UJGIUFPqpkU |
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An Authoritarian goes into a bar and starts ordering everyone a round.
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One of the main symptoms of Covid-19 is a loss of taste.
My wife rang the emergency number when I started laughing at Mrs Brown's Boys. |
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I have to say, I am a little disappointed in the World Health Organisation.
After the last epidemic, I distinctly remember them saying that they wouldn't get fooled again. They even did a song about it. |
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Many parents are about to discover that the teacher was not the problem.
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Knocked on my 89 yr old neighbour, she's a lovely old woman I asked if she was in need of shopping, she said yes so I gave her my list as well. No point in both of us going out under this self isolating.
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I was told I was useless at school and would get nowhere in life. But here I am, lying on the sofa, saving the world.
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I saw Paul from the chuckle brothers in Asda earlier
I said "Oi, Two metre you" |
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While we have this lockdown b*llocks going on my missus said she'd introduce me to some new board games. I have to be honest though, the pasting board, ironing board and draining board games she tried to show me all looked a bit sh*t.
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An Authoritarian goes into a bar and starts ordering everyone a round.
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My missus has been looking through the window for four days now! I went into the 'front room' and there she was screaming and waving her arms about.
That was the last straw!!!, I cracked and let her in |
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Why are the Chines no good at cricket?
Cos they eat all the bats. |
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When shopping in Harrods, ensure people stay at least two meters away from you by holding a Lidl carrier bag.
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What a weekend! Broke my record for continual sex, 1hour and 2min . . . . . then realised the f*cking clocks had gone forward !!
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Germany now advising people to stock up on sausages & cheese.this is the wurst kase scenario.
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"Here..drink this" - Me speed dating!!
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Found a wallet, and thought about handing it in and thought "Well, if I lost my wallet with two hundred and fifty pounds in it, how would I feel?" And I realised I would want to be taught a lesson.
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What if mobiles are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
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thought this was quite funny when my partner said to me few months back, true story,
ive always been a fan of holmes, poirot, marple and really wished i had pursued a career as a lawyer/ detective etc , so i mentioned this to my partner, i also was showing off saying id be brilliant at it , her comment was " you a good detective, ive been with you 20 years and you still havent found my g spot "  |
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Ireland Declared War on France
Long ago, Jacques Chirac, The French President, was sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners." |
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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?" |
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Police raided Kermit's lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.
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Man killed by an unmarked police car in Cheshire. I bet it's marked now.
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My friend's just bought an old Boeing 747. He plans on turning it into a themed restaurant.
I doubt it'll take off. |
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A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big cr@p . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge ta-tas out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!" Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a sh*t first." |
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King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
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How much space will Brexit free up in the European union
1GB |
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Just heard there will be around of applause for courier and delivery drivers.
It could be anytime between 7 am and 9 pm. |