|
By:
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon." |
|
By:
A grocer owned a parrot.
Every day, he would put the parrot cage outside, in front of his store, so the bird could catch a bit of sunshine. One morning, down the street comes Trump. The bird, happy to have an audience, starts screaming: ‘’Impeach Trump!!! Impeach Trump!!!’’ This annoys Trump to the fullest but he says nothing, just walks by. The following day, Trumps comes around again and the parrot starts again: ‘’Impeach Trump!!!’’ ‘’Impeach Trump!!!’’ Now Trump is getting really upset, he stares down the parrot, emits a few curses and leaves. The third day, the parrot continues his screaming as Trump approaches and Trump has enough. Storming into the store, he gives a piece of his mind to the grocer: ‘’If I hear that bird again, I will strangle him with my own hands and see that your store never sees a client for the rest of your miserable life!’’ The grocer is very afraid, he has no control over the bird, he knows that whatever he does, he is lost. Then, he starts thinking… Our parish priest has a parrot, maybe, if I explain the problem, the priest will let me exchange birds until things calm down. And so, it is done. Next morning, the grocer puts out the priest’s parrot in front of the store and anxiously waits for Trump. As expected, Trump comes by, the bird is silent. Trump tries to stare it down, walks around it, still not a word. Trump is speechless, how can it be? He says nothing and continues his walk. Same thing the next day, and the next. On the fourth day, Trump, being Trump cannot take it anymore. He walks up to the bird and whispers to him: ‘’Impeach Trump, Impeach Trump’’, the bird ruffles its feathers but makes no sound. Maybe he did not hear me… so Trump tries a bit louder: ‘’Impeach Trump, Impeach Trump’’, still not a word from the bird. This gets Trump mad like hell, he wanted to wring this bird’s neck so bad and he has no reason to do it now. Getting real close to the parrot’s ears, he yells at the top of his lungs: ‘’Impeach Trump, Impeach Trump!!!’’ The bird slowly turns its head, stares at Trump and calmly says: ‘’May God answer your prayers, my son!’’ |
|
By:
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night when the wife said to me...
"You spoil those dogs." |
|
By:
BREAKING: 100 year old veteran Colonel Tom Moore receives letter from DWP, declaring him fit for work, after he was recorded walking laps of his garden to raise £30 million for the NHS.
A government spokesperson said: "If he can walk, he can work!" |
|
By:
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world." "I am entering," said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?" "First Place," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world." "I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" "First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?" They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio says, "this is mine." Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" the other two ask. "Who the hell is Tony Blair?" asked Pinocchio. |
|
By:
Jeremy; 'Can you spell Orange ?'
Dianne; 'The fruit or the colour ?' |
|
By:
A man in Saudi Arabia has been caught stealing hand sanitiser. Ironically, he won't be needing it now.
|
|
By:
As part of my job, I was proof-reading a letter the other day when I saw a paragraph referencing:
"he/she" I thought to myself, that's a bit discriminative, isn't it? |
|
By:
Did you hear about the gay magician?
He disappeared with a poof |
|
By:
The wife and I went grocery shopping with masks on. Got home, took our masks off and I had brought the wrong wife home. Stay alert everyone.
|
|
By:
I live next door to a family of anorexic agoraphobics
I bet they've got a few skeletons in the cupboard |
|
By:
I bought a chameleon from the pet shop - but i've lost it
|
|
By:
Ryanair has said they will provide free compulsory face masks for their passengers.
The elastic that goes behind your ears will be 60 Euros. |
|
By:
Police in Great Yarmouth is hunting a woman known as the “knitting Needle Nutter” who has stabbed six people in the bum in the last 24 hours. Chief superintendent Tommy Ballcock believes the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
|
|
By:
If smart meters are so smart, how come mine doesn't know I get most of my electricity from next door? Answer that one boffins.
|
|
By:
I found £20 in the pub car park
I thought, what would Jesus do? So I turned it into wine. |
|
By:
There was a robbery at the post office today.
Someone bought four first-class stamps. |
|
By:
If you want to save money this Christmas, now is the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.
|
|
By:
Women call me ugly until they find out how much I'm worth. Then they call me ugly and poor.
|
|
By:
My friend keeps saying ' Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water'
I know he means well. |
|
By:
Is this the real life.
Is this just fantasy. "But dude I don't like Queen." BANG. Shoots him dead. Mama just killed a man. |
|
By:
My wife asked me to put the car in the drive for her.
Admittedly, it is a bit of a tight fit. After I'd done it, she asked me, "How did you do that?" I explained that there's a small mark on the wall and when that lines up with the left-hand wing mirror I pull the steering wheel slightly to the right and it fits in fine. "No," she said. "How did you make it go backwards?" |
|
By:
A prostitute approach me sat in a car.
"I'll do anything you like for 25 quid." "Do you cut hair?" I replied. |
|
By:
Life is all about perspective.
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen. |
|
By:
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, a boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?" The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!" The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?" The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. " The moral of the story is: When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either. |
|
By:
Golfing slang
An Adolf - taking two shots in a bunker. An Arthur Scargill - great strike but a poor result. A Rodney King - over-clubbed. An O.J. Simpson - shouldn't have, but got away with it. An elephant's a**ehole - it's high and it stinks. A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner. A Gerry Adams - a provisional. A Dennis Wise - nasty little five-footer. A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read. A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't. Does your husband play? for when a man hits a short tee shot. A Cuban - needs one more revolution. A Brazillian - hits the narrow stip down the middle. An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim. A Glen Miller - kept low and didn't make it over the water. A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver. A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver. A Michael Jackson - fading away. An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result. A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it. A Tony Blair - too much spin. A Bin Laden - driven out and never to be found again. A Jamie Oliver - you really want to smack it but you can't. |
|
By:
''How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!'' He showed up in his 57 Thunderbird". "Wow, that's a cool classic car! what's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner. |
|
By:
If you could end Covid-19 by sacrificing a UK city, which city would you choose and why Liverpool?
|
|
By:
An Israeli is out picking up girls in Tel Aviv.
While at his favourite bar, he manages to attract one rather Nordic-looking blonde woman. So they go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. Proud of his rugged background and years in the IDF, he forces himself to last as long as possible. He finally goes over the edge. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So ... you finish?" After a slight pause, she replies, "No." Surprised, but pleased, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first time ... and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So ... you finish?" And again, after a short pause, she simply says "No." Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his "companion du jour." This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights it again, and then asks, "So ... you finish?" To which her pleasured reply is, "No. I'm Swedish." |
|
By:
I once got arrested while watching Countdown.
That's eight letters that is. |
|
By:
watching countdown the other day rahel riley came out wearing a very short skirt,
dont mind admitting, i got aroused, first time ever i got seven letters |
|
By:
If you had HAMMERSMITH tatooed on the Todger would be 11 imo ???
|
|
By:
If anyone wants to come and talk to me about my shoddy joinery work, my door is always open!
|
|
By:
A Spurs fan was drinking in a bar in Manchester when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical London baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody could believe that any new baby could weigh 25 pounds but the man just shrugs. “That’s about average down our way, folks. Like I said, my boy’s a typical London baby boy." Two weeks later, the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, “You’re the father of that typical London baby boy that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you? Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in 2 weeks, so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.” The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born.” The father takes a large swig from his glass, wipes his lips, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “I had him circumcised.” |
|
By:
I stopped a bloke in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."
He replied, "Scotland to win the World Cup." |
|
By:
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive.
Thankfully though, he was just in there seeing to the wife and there was no expensive leak. |
|
By:
Four old retired Australian guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and go in thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll It be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Martini. The bartender serves up four iced Martinis and says, "That'll be 10 Cents each, please." The guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other; can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round. Again, four martinis for 40 cents. They need to know what's going on. One said to the bartender, "We've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a Dollar yet. How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this Place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same..." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the Ozzies says. As the four sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing a group of seven people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the group, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" He replies, "They're retirees from Scotland, and waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price." |
|
By:
I secretly swapped over all the chocolate bars and wrappers in our fridge the other day.
My missus didn't find it at all funny though, she got her Snickers in a Twix. |
|
By:
I walked into the bank yesterday, and the staff were all wearing masks.
Finally some honesty. |
|
By:
A two-month holiday from work, eating crap, drinking shitloads, then Piers Morgan falls ill and is off the TV, now Love Island 2020's cancelled.
I'm so happy, I could kiss a bat. |