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Derek Crosby yearned to be a famous crooner and actor, but never made it. He was watching Groundhog Day one rainy afternoon in his dingy apartment, when Ned Ryerson said 'Phil? Phil Connors? ...'Bing! I knew it was you, Bing!'
'If only I'd heard that 40 years ago' mused Derek. Next: The road to hell |
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In the best Hollywood traditions of churning out substandard remakes of classic old b&w films, Paraversal Studios have just released The Road to Hellsinki, an amalgamation of all the missing plots from the Crosby/Hope/Lamour series of
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The US military was always looking for cunning ways to fool the enemy and cut costs. One such plan was to save millions of dollars by using icebergs as aircraft carriers. Not only were they cheap to create, but whod suspect an iceberg of anything nasty? Of course it restricted them to fighting wars up north. But it was a powerful deterrent against the likes of Iceland and Norway, should they be thinking of attacking Uncle Sam.
So they built a fleet, sorry sculpted, a fleet of 18 |
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Stephen Hawking is the best ventrilogist(sic) ever. FACT
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Now Childcare News.
Fighting broke out among the toddlers at The Tinee Tippee Nursery in Tunbridge Wells this morning at 08.30BST. Deprived of their usual breakfast meal of Sunshine Baby Rice and Fruity mousse the tiny tots went on the rampage when given stale Farley's Rusks. Nursery nurse Emma Bunion described the scene in her best babyspeak.. 'You should have seen the little luvlies, they were batter wattering each other and going at it toe to toe with the Ruskies!' Next: Teething troubles. |
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Virgin has just announced that they will be recalling all their Lobster phones at a cost of millions of pounds after one customer complained that their phone kept
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lol
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lol
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lol
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The 1950s and 60s saw interest in childrens comics reach a peak. The best selling comic after the Beano was ChitChat, a full-colour comic where chebs were spaffed on, sexuality questioned, and the sick and dead turned into opportunities for a giggle each and every day without end. Writers of ChitChat though found themselves under attack from normal well-adjusted people (the general public) who complained about the bad example many of characters in ChitChat had set, rather like when they moaned about Dennis calling Walter a pansy all the time.
So to balance things out the writers invented a new comic character: Head in Hands Man. It was his job to after something stupid, bigoted, slanderous, vicious, repugnant, illegal or just plain daft was said, to signal somewhat wearily a sense of dismay. Unfortunately, he is duty bound to attend each and every time something like this occurs and so has his work cut out just making his rounds in the morning. Hence, he hasnt had half a day off in six years, and tends to look a bit ragged when he does appear. Next: Little Plums |
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Excellent, MoMM!
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Little Plums was the birthname of Sitting Bull. He changed it by deed totem pole after his early attempts at galvanising support for resistance to the Americans were marred by people trying to peer up his buckskin.
Next: Wigwam |
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There have been some real gems on here since this thread got going again two weeks ago. Very entertaining. More contributors needed though. Have a go. You know you want to...
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Wigwam Willie was renowned for the girth of his totem pole.
Next: Little Plum |
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Sorry, didn't notice that we'd had that. Let's try ~
Next: Korky the Kat |
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Korky the Kat
Was a bit of a prat Who stuck a huge sprout up his arse. Then he ate loads of beans And the sprout was last seen Orbiting Pluto, then Venus, then Mars. Next: Cheap substitute |
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Origional copies of the Pink label pre release disc of The Who's 60's classic 'Substitute' now change hands for thousands of pounds.
For music lovers who want a cheap substitute, the track can be found on the K-Tel 'Hits of the Sixties' album, alongside tracks by Chicory Tip and Middle of the Road. Next: Chirpy Chirpy Cheep-Cheep. |
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lol at that
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Chirpy and Cheep was a childrens animated TV programme back in the 50s. It really wasnt very good and was scrapped after only about a dozen episodes. The two central characters were both one-legged identical pirate captain twins called Ooh-Aar! and Aar-Ooh!, each with a patch over one eye and a parrot on his shoulder; Ooh-Aah!s patch and parrot on his left eye and shoulder, and Aah-Ooh!s on his right, which was the only way you could tell them apart - far too complicated for 3-year-olds to get their heads round. The show always began with Ooh-Aar! saying
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Thames Television produced the TV series The Professionals. It is a little-known fact that the two star actors had
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During luuls in filming, the cast of The Great escape would get out their instruments and jam with each other. Steve McQueen played a mean geetar, James Garner tickled the ivories a bit, Richard Attenborough was an animal on the drums and that little Scottish bloke who ended up paying Shooie McPhee in Crossroads played the spoons.
It was only when they heard Gordon Jackson's tremendous vocals that they decided to form a group. The Gordon Jackson 5, as they were to be known were preparing for a tour, but Mrs Bridges and Rose were worried what the toffs Upstairs would say so it was cancelled. Next: Hi This is Jim Rockford... |
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An ansafone message saying
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The monkey-puzzle tree is so called because its spiny leaves would give a monkey a hard time climbing it, or so the story goes. It is of course a lie, monkeys just can't be arsed. Many other trees have misleading names:
The beech. This tree has never been sighted anywhere near a beech. The buckthorn. You'd think it was taken as read that a tree with the word 'thorn' in it had thorns wouldn't you? The poplar. The poplar is not popular at all. In fact the black poplar is very unpopular due to it shedding copious amounts of fluffy white seeds that fall like snow everywhere, you can go sledding on the stuff if you can still find a black poplar. The cricket bat willow. Prior to the invention of cricket, this tree was called the bat and trap willow, before that the club the Norman tree. And its not just trees, grasses have some revealing names. Dont get me started on the origins of - co cksfoot creeping** and hairy love-grass Next: all cows eat grass. |
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Due to the problem's they had trying to light marijauna joints, let alone roll them, all cows eat grass.
Next: Joint ventures. |
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The Joint Ventures was a four-piece pop combo from Leighton Buzzard formed in 1967. Their name was a deliberate attempt at a clever play on words designed to cash in on the lovey-dovey flowery-powery drugs scene whilst styling themselves musically on the real Ventures -
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In the mid 1970s, the Royal Society for the Prevention of Gruesome Accidents decided to launch a campaign to stop children getting run over crossing the road. Their idea was to get a pop star to write a nifty catchy tune that the kids would identify with to make them think twice about running out into the road. Their initial idea was to employ the then trendy Lou Reed. Given the brief that the song should be about walking and not running, Reed, totally out of touch with anything that didnt involve transvestites and heroin addicts, came up with A Walk on the Wild Side.
Reluctantly RoSPGA rejected the song and instead employed a yokel-voiced giant in green tights as their role model. Next: Luke, Im your father. |
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The name Toyoda became Toyota after a Japanese designer left two lines out of the design in order to use eight "lucky" brush strokes.
Next: Eating crisps in bed |
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Eating crisps in bed was what led to the break up of The Beatles. Since his marriage to Yoko Ono, Lennon's attentions had turned increasingly towards global politics. The media focus on John and Yoko's famous bed-in in the Amsterdam Hilton led to McCartney's suggestion of a 'sponsored bagism' event, an idea that so enraged Lennon, that their next single, ironically The Ballad of John and Yoko, became the group's final number one in the UK.
Bagism is a term which was created by John Lennon and Yoko Ono as part of their extensive peace campaign in the late 1960s. The intent of bagism was to satirize prejudice and stereotyping. Bagism involved literally wearing a bag over one's entire body. According to John and Yoko, by living in a bag, a person could not be judged by others on the basis of skin color, gender, hair length, attire, age, or any other such attributes. It was presented as a form of total communication. Instead of focusing on outward appearance, the listener would hear only the bagist's message. On seeing the couple eating crisps in bed during the Hilton bed-in, McCartney suggested that they should seek sponsorship from Smiths (the biggest UK brand at the time) and have two man-sized Smiths crisps bags made for John and Yoko to wear on the final day of the bed-in. For Lennon it was a joke too far. His songwriting and personal relationship with McCartney had been under great strain since Yoko had arrived on the scene and Lennon's songs had been 'demoted' to the B side of most recent releases. As a vengeful goodbye he wanted to prove to McCartney he could still write a successful A side which he knew (and McCartney did not) would be their final hit. Next: crazy paving |
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In 1963, Patsy Cline released the excruiatingly awful single 'Crazy' paving the way for generations of drunk women to empty the pub on Karaoke night.
Next: Play misty for me. |
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I'n off on me hols for a week (ish) tomorrow, I hope to see a contribution to this thread by the great Rod Tidwell on my return!!!
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You've probably gone already but hope you have a great time
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Towards the end of his life Last of the Summer wine star Brian Wilde became somewhat eccentric, writing plotline after plotline for the show, and believing they would be produced. His dying words were too his daughter, who he wanted to play his daughter in the film, a character he had named Misty, for reasons which are obvious.
Wisely, she refused. Next: Wrinkled Stockings. |
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Before i am about to do your Mom, she always removes her not wringled stockings. As i work my way up her arsse, if i look briefly to the left part of the room i can see her wringled stockings on the floor.
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ttt for Rod
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