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Knowledge and inside information is power

Success buys more champagne

18 Feb 11 08:44
HELLO, good morning and welcome to my blog. I hope you are all keeping well and feeling wealthy. As regular readers know, I’m an extremely lucky person and the rather splendid returns from my first pair of tips (see ‘The steady drip fills the champagne bucket’ posted 16 Feb 11 14:30) have encouraged me to continue helping you all in your quest to lead a lifestyle as glorious and exhilarating as my own.

To celebrate my recent wins I began by stripping down to my fluorescent orange Speedos. I then attached a rope to myself, jumped in my heated swimming pool, tied the rope all the way across and simply bobbed gently up and down most of the morning. You could say I was buoyed by my success.

When I’d grown tired of the pool, I changed into my paisley smoking jacket and treated myself to a large Vodka Collins (vacuum packed and sent via carrier pigeon from Harry’s Bar, Venice). With the bitter taste of Russia’s finest still scorching my throat, I decided to try my luck at the card tables.

It won’t come as a surprise to you that I’m an exceptional table game player and regularly visit high class casinos. My private jet pilot ‘Mad’ Georgie Johnson was more than happy to fly us north to the Casino de Barcelona. Once I’d successfully avoided the paparazzi I took my usual place at my favourite five-card stud table in one of the private rooms. I was soon engaged in a protracted battle with this rather strange-looking lady with bleached blonde hair, outrageous clothing and high heels. After beating her for the seventh hand in succession she repeatedly whispered to me: “I’m your biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me.”

I politely told her to move on and when she refused I had to ask the floor manager for the evening - Juan Tintodosnegro - to escort her from the premises. I’ll give her some credit, however, she left with dignity and kept her poker face the whole time.

Once she’d gone I cashed in my chips and took a stroll down to my favourite watch emporium, El Tiempo Es Dinero, and treated myself to the latest Rolex. It’s so heavy on my wrist that my forearm now resembles one of Beyonce’s thighs. Anyway, I digress. You’re here to make money and I’d like to hand you some on a silver platter. While I can’t literally do that, I can point you in the right direction of the stuff that buys you the best seats in the house.

Today’s tips are as follows –

BACK A sending off in the Leeds v Norwich fixture on Saturday.
These two sides both like to play football, which is lucky as they’re both professional football teams, but they also don’t mind a bit of what I call ‘agricultural’ stuff too, especially when the stakes are high. Both clubs are desperate for Premier League football next season, so expect the tackles to be late, high and ferocious, resulting in at least one sending-off.

BACK Blackpool to be relegated from the Premier League 2010/11
While I never take any pleasure in people’s misfortune, watching Blackpool FC is like rubber-necking at a motorway pile-up. With a squad thinner than my bespoke cigarette papers, they’re a car crash that’s already happened and are nailed-on relegation certainties, despite not being in the bottom three as I write this. You’ll have to wait until May for your cash, but those strawberries will taste so much nicer with a decent glass of champers.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you’re betting on an in-running market, feel free to trade out at any point, depending on the size of your testicles and/or wallet. Odds are subject to fluctuation at all times and it’s up to you to decide what represents ‘value’.   

Good luck and happy punting.

Remember, a bird in the hand is only any use if she loves you and is prepared to put up with your gambling habit.
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