HELLO, good afternoon and welcome to my blog. I’m an extremely lucky person. I nearly choked to death when I was born. The large diamond-encrusted platinum spoon in my mouth caused the gagging reflex to kick in and if it wasn’t for the quick actions of my nanny Henrietta (who later died in a bizarre golfing accident God rest her soul) I wouldn’t be here imparting my knowledge and wisdom to you all.
Let me tell you a little about myself while the butler pours me another hot glass of mulled champagne. As my mother and father’s very first gift to me was a Fisher Price Currency Forging Set you could say that I was born to make money.
I’ve never had to do a day’s work in my life, as my wit, wisdom and charisma have always proved more than enough to keep me in a modest, fully central-heated mediaeval castle in southern Spain.
My biggest fault, however, is my generosity, which is what brings me here. I’d like everyone to enjoy the same comfortable and extravagant, some would say pompous, lifestyle as myself.
Ever since Betfair began I’ve made countless amounts of cash through successful market manipulation, lightening the wallets of all lesser punters who like nothing better than to throw their cash in my direction. Feeling rather guilty about all this I thought I’d pass on my knowledge and inside information so anyone following this blog can live out their dreams.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you fast cars, the finest caviar and butlers who don’t answer back. So, readers, let’s make some money today shall we?
Being an out-and-out toff, I’m fascinated by the machinations of the working classes and the sports they enjoy. While few things match the thrill of razzing about on the Atlantic in a speedboat with an exotic lady, followed by a gentle game of croquet and a fresh plate of Beluga, I’m obsessed with punting on sports such as snooker, darts, football, rugby and tennis. The reasons for this are many and varied.
Admittedly, there are a handful of footballers around the world who earn as much as I do. I’ll give them their dues, they’re at the top of their profession. Fascinatingly though, the sport remains the preserve of the proletariat when it comes to watching and betting on matches – especially those played out with such verve and vigour on those awfully muddy pitches in the lower leagues. Darts, meanwhile, evokes memories of heraldic gatherings in the Middle Ages when a fellow’s reputation hinged on his accuracy and skill with a bow and arrow, but places it in a modern arena in front of the full glare of the television cameras. Snooker, on the other hand, is a cerebral challenge for gentlemen, rich in etiquette and tradition, played on beautiful hand-carved tables, requiring immense levels of concentration and will to win. Rugby, justifiably Britain’s second sport, is as close as you will get to witnessing a riot outside of Egypt and as thrilling as seeing the school bully go prematurely bald.
As for tennis, well, you can’t beat seeing a girl’s knickers every time she chucks the ball up.
Today’s tips are as follows –
LAY England to win the Six Nations. Despite getting off to a roaring start, England have yet to face either of the true championship contenders in France and Ireland. The men in white only scraped past a very poor Wales team, while Italy are rugby’s answer to Eddie The Eagle.
LAY Rangers to beat Sporting Lisbon at home on Thursday 17 February. While Rangers are strong at home, Sporting Lisbon, who compete in a much stronger domestic league, have an excellent away record and are as likely to give the ball away as the Coalition Government are to drastically reduce fuel charges.
BACK Under 3.5 goals in tonight’s Wigan v Bolton FA Cup match. Neither of these teams could score in a house of ill-repute and I’d be very surprised if this one turned out to be one of the all-time classic FA Cup games.
Good luck and happy punting.
Remember, cash in the attic is only any use if it’s your attic and the cash is legal tender.