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Wife... When you die I'm gonna dance on your grave...
Husband... That's good, I'm getting buried at sea |
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Dad: Did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?
It's like that everywhere son! |
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hypochondriac went to drs to get checked over
dr came back told patient the tests show you might be suffering from hypochondriasas patient said OH NO NOT THAT AS WELL ,  |
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2 Penguins driving down Blackpool Prom. Car breaks down .Call the AA. AA man said will be an hour. Penguins said we are just going for a waddle down Prom.
Came back after an hour. AA man said looks like youve blown a seal .Penguins wipe their mouths and say No we have just had ice creams!! |
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Aye no bad lads.
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My best mate got electrocuted last week in Greggs the bakers, he trod on a bun and a current run up his leg.
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Fella driving a van load of Monkeys from the docks to the zoo,breaks down on the A1 flags down a passing lorry ,Paddy pulls over to help the stranded motorist.
Do me a favour m8 I've broken down and got to get this lot to the zoo today,no problem says Paddy,so gives Paddy £100 and the address.Calls the AA and gets recovered to the zoo 6hrs later,meets the zoo keeper and ask's are they here yet ? no m8 no sign of them. FFS where are they ? Phones him, Paddy says we are on the way.... Paddy pulls up 3 hrs later,where have u been ffs,rrrr says Paddy well we've went to the zoo earlier and had some money left so went off to the cinema.... |
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StewyB goes into a strip club in Aberdeen and sees a bloke on stage with his d!ck in the mouth of a crocodile. A fellow appears with a baseball bat and smashes it down on the crocodiles head, just millimetres from the blokes manhood the crocodiles jaws stop closing. The compere asks if any of the audience would like to have a go for a tenner, StewyB pipes up that he desperately needs a tenner so he will have a go.
When he gets on stage he says to the bloke with the bat "I'm doing this on one condition, don't hit me so fuc&ing hard with that bat"!! |
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Uncle Charlie is not well. He,s had the camera up the back passage. Mind you, serves him right , he shouldn't have criticised the wedding photographer .
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The Receptionist at the Doctors comes out and adresses a full waiting room.
“ Under our new privacy rules we will not be using your names , ….now will the man with a carrot stuck up his a**e please go and see the doctor! |
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Baaeed can't be out of the places @ 1.08, trade out if the going changes when the stalls open!!
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Impossible and honcho meet in a Gamanon meeting where honcho has taken his dog along. The dog starts licking his nuts and impossible says " I wish I could do that"
Honcho replies " Give him a biscuit and he will let you, never refused me yet"!! |
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StewyB goes into a pub with his dog and the barman says " By the looks on your face you just left Ladcrooks again, how bad was it"?
His dog leaps over the bar and attacks the barman, savaging him severely" The police attend and question stewyB about what happened. StewyB says " It's the first time my dog has been in the pub" PC " Is that why he attacked the barman"? StewyB " I don't think so, probably because I lost in Ladcrooks" PC " FFS what does he do when you win"? StewyB "No idea iv'e only had him 10 years" |
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woman in pet shop spies a beautiful parrot
how much for that bird? she asks 20 quid says the shopkeeper thats very cheap well he used to be kept in a brothel and uses some fruity language thats ok she says, i will have him takes it home and puts it in the lounge 'new house, nice' says the parrot 5 mins later, the womans 2 daughters walk in 'new girls, nice' says the parrot 5 mins later, her husband walks in 'hello keith' says the parrot |
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You might have heard this one before...
Heavy drinker goes home drunk (again) and his wife warns him: come home in that state again and I'm leaving you. Next evening can't help himself, straight to the pub after work, gets sloshed and pukes up all over himself. Says to his pal: I'm done for, she'll leave me this time. Pal replies: here's what to do: put £20 in your inside pocket, tell her someone was sick all over you, but he gave you £20 for the dry cleaning bill. Gets home, his wife sees the state of him and is about to kick off...Wait dear, wait, I can explain everything...Some guy was sick all over me but he gave me £20 for the dry cleaning bill. His wife notices that he's holding two £20 notes and asks what the other one is for... Oh, that's off the other bloke who sh*t in my pants. |
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Very good! mitolo
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Some good ones, chaps. Keep them coming.
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Some good wans there.
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Festive:
Tampax has replaced the string in their tampons with tinsel. A spokeswoman says this will be in place for the Xmas period only  |
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Rico found a frozen tampon and took it to the Antiques Road Show, they advised it was worthless and asked if he wanted to know the period it was from.
He replied " Some c@nt who accuses me of spending 24/7 on a forum no doubt" |
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3 wise men follow the star to find the special baby. They end up in Bethlehem outside the stable. Joseph pops outside and says to the wise men you're welcome to come in and pay your respects but I must warn you the baby is fast asleep so if you could keep the noise down that would be great.The 1st wise man starts to tiptoe into the stable but unfortunately someone has left a rake laying on the floor, we'll of course he puts his foot down on the end of it and the handle flew up in the air and smacked him straight in the mouth. Jeeezuuus Christ! He shouts out.
Mary pipes up, she says that's not a bad shout.................................................................................. .... ...... we were going to call him Albert. |
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Copper is out patrolling late at night and passes a dark alley where he hears loud moanings of pleasure.....he shines his torch down the alley and lights up Cag and a well known local homeless man. He legs it down the alley and only catches up with the homeless man and says " You dirty barsteward, you know what I'd have done if I'd have caught up with him?"...he says "no, what officer?"....copper says "I'd have rammed this truncheon right up his arse"...Cag calls out from nearby..."I'm in the bin" :)
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Woman goes to the doctor about her excess weight...
Doctor says "I think I know why you're putting on weight" Woman says "really? What is it?" Doctor says "you've got an overactive...mmmm... overactive... mmmm..." Woman suggests "thyroid ?..." Doctor says... "No, knife and fork..." |
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Copper replies......."see you back at the nick Cag for 2am refs and we can all have another laugh at your expense"
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