Good Joke Thread.

read a good book about anti gravity......i could not put it down

My girlfriend called me a paedophile.

I was like…dam that’s a big word for an 8 year old.

May 21, 2024 -- 5:42PM, acey deucy wrote:

Quixall " Rico said this should not be beaten"

Ikeaman " Are you sure you can trust him"?

Quixall " StewB said Rico knows what he is talking about on this and he knows he said"

Ikeaman " So what is this cert that should not be beaten"?

Quixall " A sore dick"

Love the horses expression.

Mahatma Gandhi, as we all know, walked barefoot most of the time, which resulted in a lifetime's misery with calloused feet. He ate very little resulting in him being very frail with the added side effect of persistent bad breadth. In other words he was a Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Quality, nogoody

Good one nogoody if thats not a contradiction in terms!
You may have heard this one but it made me smile….
Mariage is like a game of cards. It starts with two hearts and a diamond but soon you wish you had a club and a spade !

Not bad guys.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Chinese Doctors

sum gudduns

Man walks into a Glasgow pub and asks for a pint of lager with a dash of lime.
"We don’t do cocktails," replies the barman."

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons’?”
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
THE ELDERLY MAN FAINTED

I was disappointed last Thursday as my Chinese friend said there was going to be a General Erection,

but nothing happened!

I went to my Chinese friends funeral - and I was the only one there - unbereivable.

Chinese couple just got married, both a bit naive. They go to the honeymoon hotel, up to the

honeymoon suite, get undressed and jump into bed. He turns to her and says,"So what you like?"

"Well,she says, "my girlfriend tells me 69 is really good"

"What. You want chicken stir fry wiv noodle?"

Some good wans there.

Quixall

" I tipped a winner today"
Rico " So did I YSDC and mine won @ 150/1"
Quixall " I noticed but did you not lay it"?

Rico "FOYSDC at least I put it up pre race"

Donald Rump.

Quixall " Did you notice acey is having trouble getting a dental appointment"?

Hibby " Of course I did YSDC"

Quixall " Sorry, I sometimes forget we are on the same wavelength"

Hibby " Just don't mention we get our teeth done by post"

Come on rico put a joke up ya miserable ****

Quixall " My girlfriend doesn't like me taking medication for my schizophrenia "

Hibby " Same here, every time you take it she goes away "

Quixall " Hibby have you ever told a porkie on here "?

Hibby " You should know Ffs...imv...tbh..."

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches… and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard.

Mines 3 and a half inches acey plenty ladies like it that thick

he nose

Serves as a reminder of the Wallsend Wally nearly drowning when sniffing Coke!!

Quixall/ Hibby " Do you suffer with mental health"

Me " Yes but I don't read all your threads "

Quixall " Rico do you still suffer from manboobs like me" ?

Rico " Not since the last time I was fooled by a skirt and a wig tbh... never paid him though tbf..."

Quixall " What hand do you use to wipe your arse "

Hibby " Same as you obviously YSDC "

Quixall " Fair enough but when did you start using paper"?

Quixall " Do you think anybody noticed you went skint ages ago Rico"

Rico " One or two maybe"

Quixall " But even me and Hibby worked out that you don't have a life never mind a portal"?

Rico " Like yourselves, keep repeating and eventually you believe "

Quixall " Fair enough but your 3 Million is a minus in reality"?

Rico " Oh I just can't help believing and singingtheblues are worth a listen"

Quixall " Ok we understand don't we Hibby"!!

So,I said to god,can’t you sort these lot out down here,he said I m trying my best son,but give us an hand,stop turning water into wine cos they’re pissed all the time and it’s making my job harder.the bible bashers aren’t helping aswell cos they’re fooking up my message.
I told him they’re up all night pissed thumbing the bible cos they’re desperate to find a winner.
So he told me I ll sort my end out you do your best your end.

Hang on Peter Kay’s ringing

Pk hi mate I’ve got 24 nights sold out at the m.e.n you haven’t got any material I’m struggling a bit.i told him I d email some but he really needs to find his own.

I said what about the bishop bashers,he told me leave them son ,man needs a release.

Now I wrote that whilst brewing up this morning,off the cuth you could say.
Should I tell them who I am yet the 2nd coming,no son not yet it will cause bedlam.

Quixall " FFS Hibby don't tell me the score, I want to watch the highlights"

Hibby " Ok but what's the point of watching a game with no goals?"


" FFS, you might as well tell me what the score was at half time now "

The bottom one looks like Quixall with a wig on Greg!!!

Quixall " Hibby did you hear that gambling companies could be fined for targeting vulnerable people" ?

Hibby " Yes, I got a PM from Rico asking if I wanted to be part of his compensation claim"

Quixall " So did I"

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience..
Seeing God she asked : "Is my time up ?"
God said :
"No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth !
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded :
"God, you said I had
another 33 years to live ? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance ?"
God replied :
"I didn't recognize you.......... 

Waste management became popular…..

Aye Beer Filters.

If anyone missed the aurora last night, here's a picture of spilt fuel from a garage forecourt.

Winston the Rasta in mid stroke.

Chantelle " What do you want for your birthday"

Winston " Man am uppit"

A week later Rico jumps out of a fake cake and shouts happy birthday Winston in their bedroom.

Winston " WTF, what is this clown doing in our bedroom"?

Chantelle " Happy birthday mon, what you asked for"

Winston " Are you mad FFS"?

Chantelle " When I asked you said Man a Muppet so happy birthday ysdc, meet Rico"

Ikeaman " Rico I took your advice about covering Porkies but my fingerprints grew back and I was caught,so acid seems extreme"?

Rico " I forgot to tell you that could happen"

Ikeaman " What about my lips ffs" ?

Rico " Only works face to face ysdc, not on here"