Chit Chat
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30 Nov 14
00:53
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Date Joined:
02 Oct 03
In The Pickle House in the Hackney Road many years ago.
Video jukeboxes has just come into pubs, and as a 99% teetotaller, after just a few drinks, I was the worse for wear.
On came the music, I looked up at the screen, a very tall bird, had to be 6 feet, was singing, and caught my eye.
I turned to my mate end and said ‘See that’ nodding at the screen ‘I’d shag that, I do like a long haired tall bird.’
‘Don’t be a cnunt’ he said ‘it’s a geezer.’
‘Is it bollocks’ I laughed, and called a barmaid over.
‘Is that a bloke or is that a bird?’ I asked, nodding at the screen.
‘Are you serious?’ she said laughing, called over another barmaid and told her what I had asked.
Cue more laughter as my mate was now telling every bastard in the pub that I wanted to shag it.
And that was the first time I set my eyes on Culture Club.
I have more tales, but not yet.
Got any tales to tell?
Video jukeboxes has just come into pubs, and as a 99% teetotaller, after just a few drinks, I was the worse for wear.
On came the music, I looked up at the screen, a very tall bird, had to be 6 feet, was singing, and caught my eye.
I turned to my mate end and said ‘See that’ nodding at the screen ‘I’d shag that, I do like a long haired tall bird.’
‘Don’t be a cnunt’ he said ‘it’s a geezer.’
‘Is it bollocks’ I laughed, and called a barmaid over.
‘Is that a bloke or is that a bird?’ I asked, nodding at the screen.
‘Are you serious?’ she said laughing, called over another barmaid and told her what I had asked.
Cue more laughter as my mate was now telling every bastard in the pub that I wanted to shag it.
And that was the first time I set my eyes on Culture Club.
I have more tales, but not yet.
Got any tales to tell?
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Replies: 80
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I properly sh!t myself in an airport once...............I was embarrased
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you weren't on your own CMAT a lad I worked with his dad thought the same
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oh and he was sober
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call me a taxi.........dont know about tales but you have some TALL ones
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Knightsbridge crown court in the 90's and for some strange reason i was made foreman of the jury.The defendant was a "wrong un" and had obviously committed the stabbing but the judge instructed us to find the toe rag not guilty.
When the court usher asked the jury for its verdict i stood up and said "GUILTY"...gasps all around the court and i hastily had to back track...it was most embarrassing.The defendants family all looked as if they wanted to kill me  . |
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Was he a greville?
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One of my first jobs when at college was working for 3 weeks as a postman over the Chistmas period which took me about 25 minutes to walk to, left my house about 5:30am, after about a week, people at the sorting office became familiar with my face and started pulling over in their cars in the morning to give me a lift, every morning, without fail, I'd never walk further than 5 minutes without a car stopping for me, however, one day 5 minutes went, then 10, then 15, and I was thinking? where is everyone, finally a car stopped and I went to get in the front but the door was locked, looked through the window and it was dark but saw someone indicating with his hand as if pointing to the back, tried to open the back door but it was locked, so went around the other side and still locked? so went back around thinking wtf, then he pulled his window down and asked me for directions to the nearest motorway - never knew the fcuker
said sorry I thought you were a friend picking me up, gave him directions anyway and he actually gave a lift rest of the way, absolute silence in the car it freaked me out, thought he was going to kidnap me, dropped me off and when I got to the sorting office, I realised why nobody had picked me up, IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY  was a slow walk back home |
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CMAT...What do you fink
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Guilty then, obvious.
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scandanavian_haven
30 Nov 14 10:41 IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY And I thought you were only friendless on here. |
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can't believe I have to explain, the reason why this was the only day nobody picked me up was because postmen don't work on Christmas day, only I hadn't realised that when I was 17, nobody is going to get out of bed on Christmas day at 5am to pick me up to take me to a workplace that isn't open, think about it cmat
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Why didn't you know it was Christmas Day scandinavian?
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I DID know it was Christmas day, I didn't at the time know, that you don't work on Christmas day, so I left as normal, I was unfamiliar with the workings of the working world, as dumb as that seem now. I felt as much of a prat then as I do now going over it
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That's fair enough. When you are young you aren't aware of many things you later take for granted and I was the same. I remember when I started training to be a nurse and I was always getting sent to other wards for things which didn't exist.
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I wouldn't say I was especially embarassed about it as it was more funny than embarrassing but I remember when I was living down in London for a year that we were in a swanky bar in one of those up market west end areas like Leicester Square or Covent Garden and I farted and followed through. I squelched my way to the loo t inspect the damage and carefully removed my undies cleaned myself up and hung them off the back of the door. A while later my mate came back from the bog and said, you'll never guess what some dirty bastaard has done.
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scandanavian_haven 30 Nov 14 11:00
can't believe I have to explain, think about it cmat When I was 17 I was either at a girlfriends house, or at home with my parents, on Xmas Eve. I'd have known it was Xmas day |
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Eeternaloptimist
30 Nov 14 11:25 I wouldn't say I was especially embarassed about it as it was more funny than embarrassing but I remember when I was living down in London for a year that we were in a swanky bar in one of those up market west end areas like Leicester Square or Covent Garden and I farted and followed through. If you'd have done that in Tower Hamlets or Newham these days, nobody would have noticed the smell. |
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cmat, oh forget it, you're too dim
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Don't get stroppy because you had no bird, mates or family at 17.
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what part of I thought it was a working day are you struggling with call me a dunce
Also, where I grew up, we don't call them "birds", the women are bit more upmarket than the downtrodden skags of Newham that you're accustomed to |
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Once was in Portugal and wanted to get the cricket scores pre internet. Only paper they sold was the daily mail. People could see me buying it and must have thought I was a right doughnut. I wised up in the end and would buy a porno and hide the daily mail inside that. Pride restored.
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A sheep market is not upmarket.
Any time you want to post a photo of your mrs, let me know, and I'll do the same. And there are a few on here who can verify that it's her. |
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Have too many to admit to and some are so shocking they are in my "Quarantined Files" (in my head).
One I can speak of is way, way back I was outside my new house planting trees, in the rain, as I had to get them in. Douglas, my new neighbour came out to introduce himself and amongst other things talked about a girl in the village who was bad news. I had seen her in all her grotesque fatness and then I said "there's something about fat people" (or something on those lines). Well you have probably guessed the rest. I later met his wife who was built like a bottle bank. Whoops!!!! |
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This one has haunted me since I was 17 or so.
A BIG talent show at an area secondary school. The place was packed with pupils, friends and family (must have been nearer to a thousand people than seven hundred). The talent was crap and our bands then manager decides that my friend (rhythm guitar) and me (lead guitar) should get up and show how it's done. Unfortunately, back then, I hadn't learned how to say no, and stick to it. So I was taken home in the cold and rain, on a scooter, to get my guitar, and similarly my buddy to get his. We were almost forced onto the stage, and had to use someone else's amp, and no sound, check or tune up. What are we to be called? "The Lost Chords" said our then manager. It was dire. We hadn't discussed what we were to play, and my buddy looked at me and said "Apache" as he started to strum away, with me following. We were playing to pretty much the biggest audience ever, with no bass or drums and we were beyond terrible. The smart arse compere said we should have been called "The Lost Sheep"..... |
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Whilst at "The College of Art" there were some seriously beautiful chicks and I dated more than a few (thinly veiled I dated a few chicks thread).
One sweet girl I was very fond of and, don't ask me why but, we took her mother with us for a trip to the seaside. I was on my second car which was a a "Ford Anglia" in grey with red vinyl trim. Now I know that the car wasn't that good in the performance stakes but didn't know how bad till later. It happened that her mum was way heavier than both of us together, and we came across a massive hill. The clutch was virtually on fire and they both had to get out and push! I think that was the end of that relationship! Later I discovered that whilst the performance of this thing wasn't even special when new, but I had zero compression on two cylinders, and not that much on the rest.....  |
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Whilst walking to school as a 14 year old I was gawping at the cleavage of an attractive woman across the road and duly walked into a telegraph pole. I split my eyebrow open resulting in 5 stitches and despite plenty of claret she never even came over to see how I was.
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Tramp!!!
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I was once running for a bus in town aged around 12 dodging in between people in the crowd....until a massive black woman stepped out of a shop and i ran straight into her and literally bounced and ended up layed out on my back while she hardly flinched.
Another time I was in the bosses office getting told about my attitude and I actually farted as I was getting an earful. Could say it took the wind out their sales and I just walked off. |
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sails
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mine is awful so I'm not saying
it did involve a girl when we were at school |
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Come on BB, you have to share.
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it wasn't the dreaded "is it in yet?" BB was it?
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MD you are a pervert and HH it wasn't that either
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Me, a pervert?!
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I remember my French teacher once caught me with a girl's jugs out in the needlework room, I felt my face going a bit red after that one
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you see that's shocked you and that is a tame story
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