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30 Nov 14
00:53
Joined:
Date Joined:
02 Oct 03
In The Pickle House in the Hackney Road many years ago.
Video jukeboxes has just come into pubs, and as a 99% teetotaller, after just a few drinks, I was the worse for wear.
On came the music, I looked up at the screen, a very tall bird, had to be 6 feet, was singing, and caught my eye.
I turned to my mate end and said ‘See that’ nodding at the screen ‘I’d shag that, I do like a long haired tall bird.’
‘Don’t be a cnunt’ he said ‘it’s a geezer.’
‘Is it bollocks’ I laughed, and called a barmaid over.
‘Is that a bloke or is that a bird?’ I asked, nodding at the screen.
‘Are you serious?’ she said laughing, called over another barmaid and told her what I had asked.
Cue more laughter as my mate was now telling every bastard in the pub that I wanted to shag it.
And that was the first time I set my eyes on Culture Club.
I have more tales, but not yet.
Got any tales to tell?
Video jukeboxes has just come into pubs, and as a 99% teetotaller, after just a few drinks, I was the worse for wear.
On came the music, I looked up at the screen, a very tall bird, had to be 6 feet, was singing, and caught my eye.
I turned to my mate end and said ‘See that’ nodding at the screen ‘I’d shag that, I do like a long haired tall bird.’
‘Don’t be a cnunt’ he said ‘it’s a geezer.’
‘Is it bollocks’ I laughed, and called a barmaid over.
‘Is that a bloke or is that a bird?’ I asked, nodding at the screen.
‘Are you serious?’ she said laughing, called over another barmaid and told her what I had asked.
Cue more laughter as my mate was now telling every bastard in the pub that I wanted to shag it.
And that was the first time I set my eyes on Culture Club.
I have more tales, but not yet.
Got any tales to tell?
Show More
I properly sh!t myself in an airport once...............I was embarrased
you weren't on your own CMAT a lad I worked with his dad thought the same
call me a taxi.........dont know about tales but you have some TALL ones
Knightsbridge crown court in the 90's and for some strange reason i was made foreman of the jury.The defendant was a "wrong un" and had obviously committed the stabbing but the judge instructed us to find the toe rag not guilty.
When the court usher asked the jury for its verdict i stood up and said "GUILTY"...gasps all around the court and i hastily had to back track...it was most embarrassing.The defendants family all looked as if they wanted to kill me
.
When the court usher asked the jury for its verdict i stood up and said "GUILTY"...gasps all around the court and i hastily had to back track...it was most embarrassing.The defendants family all looked as if they wanted to kill me
.
One of my first jobs when at college was working for 3 weeks as a postman over the Chistmas period which took me about 25 minutes to walk to, left my house about 5:30am, after about a week, people at the sorting office became familiar with my face and started pulling over in their cars in the morning to give me a lift, every morning, without fail, I'd never walk further than 5 minutes without a car stopping for me, however, one day 5 minutes went, then 10, then 15, and I was thinking? where is everyone, finally a car stopped and I went to get in the front but the door was locked, looked through the window and it was dark but saw someone indicating with his hand as if pointing to the back, tried to open the back door but it was locked, so went around the other side and still locked? so went back around thinking wtf, then he pulled his window down and asked me for directions to the nearest motorway - never knew the fcuker
said sorry I thought you were a friend picking me up, gave him directions anyway and he actually gave a lift rest of the way, absolute silence in the car it freaked me out, thought he was going to kidnap me, dropped me off and when I got to the sorting office, I realised why nobody had picked me up, IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY
was a slow walk back home
said sorry I thought you were a friend picking me up, gave him directions anyway and he actually gave a lift rest of the way, absolute silence in the car it freaked me out, thought he was going to kidnap me, dropped me off and when I got to the sorting office, I realised why nobody had picked me up, IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY
was a slow walk back home
scandanavian_haven
30 Nov 14 10:41
IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY
And I thought you were only friendless on here.
30 Nov 14 10:41
IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY
And I thought you were only friendless on here.
can't believe I have to explain, the reason why this was the only day nobody picked me up was because postmen don't work on Christmas day, only I hadn't realised that when I was 17, nobody is going to get out of bed on Christmas day at 5am to pick me up to take me to a workplace that isn't open, think about it cmat
Why didn't you know it was Christmas Day scandinavian?
I DID know it was Christmas day, I didn't at the time know, that you don't work on Christmas day, so I left as normal, I was unfamiliar with the workings of the working world, as dumb as that seem now. I felt as much of a prat then as I do now going over it
That's fair enough. When you are young you aren't aware of many things you later take for granted and I was the same. I remember when I started training to be a nurse and I was always getting sent to other wards for things which didn't exist.
I wouldn't say I was especially embarassed about it as it was more funny than embarrassing but I remember when I was living down in London for a year that we were in a swanky bar in one of those up market west end areas like Leicester Square or Covent Garden and I farted and followed through. I squelched my way to the loo t inspect the damage and carefully removed my undies cleaned myself up and hung them off the back of the door. A while later my mate came back from the bog and said, you'll never guess what some dirty bastaard has done.
scandanavian_haven 30 Nov 14 11:00
can't believe I have to explain, think about it cmat
When I was 17 I was either at a girlfriends house, or at home with my parents, on Xmas Eve.
I'd have known it was Xmas day
can't believe I have to explain, think about it cmat
When I was 17 I was either at a girlfriends house, or at home with my parents, on Xmas Eve.
I'd have known it was Xmas day
Eeternaloptimist
30 Nov 14 11:25
I wouldn't say I was especially embarassed about it as it was more funny than embarrassing but I remember when I was living down in London for a year that we were in a swanky bar in one of those up market west end areas like Leicester Square or Covent Garden and I farted and followed through.
If you'd have done that in Tower Hamlets or Newham these days, nobody would have noticed the smell.
30 Nov 14 11:25
I wouldn't say I was especially embarassed about it as it was more funny than embarrassing but I remember when I was living down in London for a year that we were in a swanky bar in one of those up market west end areas like Leicester Square or Covent Garden and I farted and followed through.
If you'd have done that in Tower Hamlets or Newham these days, nobody would have noticed the smell.
Don't get stroppy because you had no bird, mates or family at 17.
what part of I thought it was a working day are you struggling with call me a dunce
Also, where I grew up, we don't call them "birds", the women are bit more upmarket than the downtrodden skags of Newham that you're accustomed to
Also, where I grew up, we don't call them "birds", the women are bit more upmarket than the downtrodden skags of Newham that you're accustomed to
Once was in Portugal and wanted to get the cricket scores pre internet. Only paper they sold was the daily mail. People could see me buying it and must have thought I was a right doughnut. I wised up in the end and would buy a porno and hide the daily mail inside that. Pride restored.
A sheep market is not upmarket.
Any time you want to post a photo of your mrs, let me know, and I'll do the same.
And there are a few on here who can verify that it's her.
Any time you want to post a photo of your mrs, let me know, and I'll do the same.
And there are a few on here who can verify that it's her.
Have too many to admit to and some are so shocking they are in my "Quarantined Files" (in my head).
One I can speak of is way, way back I was outside my new house planting trees, in the rain, as I had to get them in.
Douglas, my new neighbour came out to introduce himself and amongst other things talked about a girl in the village who was bad news.
I had seen her in all her grotesque fatness and then I said "there's something about fat people" (or something on those lines).
Well you have probably guessed the rest. I later met his wife who was built like a bottle bank. Whoops!!!!
One I can speak of is way, way back I was outside my new house planting trees, in the rain, as I had to get them in.
Douglas, my new neighbour came out to introduce himself and amongst other things talked about a girl in the village who was bad news.
I had seen her in all her grotesque fatness and then I said "there's something about fat people" (or something on those lines).
Well you have probably guessed the rest. I later met his wife who was built like a bottle bank. Whoops!!!!
This one has haunted me since I was 17 or so.
A BIG talent show at an area secondary school.
The place was packed with pupils, friends and family (must have been nearer to a thousand people than seven hundred).
The talent was crap and our bands then manager decides that my friend (rhythm guitar) and me (lead guitar) should get up and show how it's done.
Unfortunately, back then, I hadn't learned how to say no, and stick to it. So I was taken home in the cold and rain, on a scooter, to get my guitar,
and similarly my buddy to get his.
We were almost forced onto the stage, and had to use someone else's amp, and no sound, check or tune up.
What are we to be called? "The Lost Chords" said our then manager.
It was dire. We hadn't discussed what we were to play, and my buddy looked at me and said "Apache" as he started to strum away, with me following.
We were playing to pretty much the biggest audience ever, with no bass or drums and we were beyond terrible.
The smart arse compere said we should have been called "The Lost Sheep".....
A BIG talent show at an area secondary school.
The place was packed with pupils, friends and family (must have been nearer to a thousand people than seven hundred).
The talent was crap and our bands then manager decides that my friend (rhythm guitar) and me (lead guitar) should get up and show how it's done.
Unfortunately, back then, I hadn't learned how to say no, and stick to it. So I was taken home in the cold and rain, on a scooter, to get my guitar,
and similarly my buddy to get his.
We were almost forced onto the stage, and had to use someone else's amp, and no sound, check or tune up.
What are we to be called? "The Lost Chords" said our then manager.
It was dire. We hadn't discussed what we were to play, and my buddy looked at me and said "Apache" as he started to strum away, with me following.
We were playing to pretty much the biggest audience ever, with no bass or drums and we were beyond terrible.
The smart arse compere said we should have been called "The Lost Sheep".....
Whilst at "The College of Art" there were some seriously beautiful chicks and I dated more than a few (thinly veiled I dated a few chicks thread).
One sweet girl I was very fond of and, don't ask me why but, we took her mother with us for a trip to the seaside.
I was on my second car which was a a "Ford Anglia" in grey with red vinyl trim.
Now I know that the car wasn't that good in the performance stakes but didn't know how bad till later.
It happened that her mum was way heavier than both of us together, and we came across a massive hill.
The clutch was virtually on fire and they both had to get out and push!
I think that was the end of that relationship!
Later I discovered that whilst the performance of this thing wasn't even special when new, but I had zero compression on two cylinders,
and not that much on the rest.....
One sweet girl I was very fond of and, don't ask me why but, we took her mother with us for a trip to the seaside.
I was on my second car which was a a "Ford Anglia" in grey with red vinyl trim.
Now I know that the car wasn't that good in the performance stakes but didn't know how bad till later.
It happened that her mum was way heavier than both of us together, and we came across a massive hill.
The clutch was virtually on fire and they both had to get out and push!
I think that was the end of that relationship!
Later I discovered that whilst the performance of this thing wasn't even special when new, but I had zero compression on two cylinders,
and not that much on the rest.....
Whilst walking to school as a 14 year old I was gawping at the cleavage of an attractive woman across the road and duly walked into a telegraph pole. I split my eyebrow open resulting in 5 stitches and despite plenty of claret she never even came over to see how I was.
I was once running for a bus in town aged around 12 dodging in between people in the crowd....until a massive black woman stepped out of a shop and i ran straight into her and literally bounced and ended up layed out on my back while she hardly flinched.
Another time I was in the bosses office getting told about my attitude and I actually farted as I was getting an earful.
Could say it took the wind out their sales and I just walked off.
Another time I was in the bosses office getting told about my attitude and I actually farted as I was getting an earful.
Could say it took the wind out their sales and I just walked off.
mine is awful so I'm not saying it did involve a girl when we were at school
it did involve a girl when we were at school
it wasn't the dreaded "is it in yet?" BB was it?
MD you are a pervert and HH it wasn't that either
I remember my French teacher once caught me with a girl's jugs out in the needlework room, I felt my face going a bit red after that one
you see that's shocked you and that is a tame story
It didn't shock me really BB.
Come on spill the beans
Come on spill the beans
Is this the without "getting caught having a sherman in a cubicle with a peephole in the ladies bogs" market?
"I remember my French teacher once caught me with a girl's jugs out in the needlework room, I felt my face going a bit red after that one"
My French teacher would have given me a high five for that. I'm not buying that anyway, there must be something else.
My French teacher would have given me a high five for that. I'm not buying that anyway, there must be something else.
A mate of mine tried on a pair of women's jeans in the Levi shop and we were all rolling around laughing because he couldn't sus out why the arse on em were really big on him.
Another time I was listening to this contraption I just bought that was sort of like a Walkman called an archos.
I caught the bus to town and walked all through town to see the bank manager and I thought everyone was giving me funny looks.
It wasn't until I walked into the bank and everyone looked at me that I realised as I took out the earphone that I'd had it on earphone and speaker all the way.
I almost died as I realised everyone on the bus and through town had watched me walk around listening to brother beyond and milli vanilli etc on some music collection
Another time I was listening to this contraption I just bought that was sort of like a Walkman called an archos.
I caught the bus to town and walked all through town to see the bank manager and I thought everyone was giving me funny looks.
It wasn't until I walked into the bank and everyone looked at me that I realised as I took out the earphone that I'd had it on earphone and speaker all the way.
I almost died as I realised everyone on the bus and through town had watched me walk around listening to brother beyond and milli vanilli etc on some music collection
Holy cr@p on a cracker, some things are best left unsaid dustybin 
You're definitely winning thus far in my book.
You're definitely winning thus far in my book.
I think Dusty has drawn level with Aunty and his Robin Hood hat with feathers!
Any time you want to post a photo of your mrs, let me know, and I'll do the same.
Your 63, best not to compare
Your 63, best not to compare
Picture the scene…
I’m riding pillion on a Kawasaki motor bike, no crash helmets in those days.
Looking cool
Levi jeans, Mr Harry denim shirt, black zip up boots, long mane of black hair hanging down my back.
At the front of the queue at the traffic lights at East Ham Town Hall, the millisecond the amber light shows, we’re away.
We slow down as we pass the Granada cinema as there are birds coming out, we wave, they wave back, but we don’t stop.
We whizz in and out of traffic and as there’s a car in the bus stop, we got held up by a bus trying to get round it, and we stop just before the Boleyn junction, outside the Odeon cinema.
Two birds are coming out together, I wave, they wave back.
I take my feet off the footrests, put them on the ground and stand up, Alpha Male style sweeping my long hair back over my shoulders, but my mate hasn’t realised this and when the lights went green, with a screech of tyres he went on the wrong side of the road to get round the bus, and left me standing in the facking middle of Barking Road.
He got to the Greengate junction ( half a mile) before he realised I wasn’t there.
I’m riding pillion on a Kawasaki motor bike, no crash helmets in those days.
Looking cool
Levi jeans, Mr Harry denim shirt, black zip up boots, long mane of black hair hanging down my back. At the front of the queue at the traffic lights at East Ham Town Hall, the millisecond the amber light shows, we’re away.
We slow down as we pass the Granada cinema as there are birds coming out, we wave, they wave back, but we don’t stop.
We whizz in and out of traffic and as there’s a car in the bus stop, we got held up by a bus trying to get round it, and we stop just before the Boleyn junction, outside the Odeon cinema.
Two birds are coming out together, I wave, they wave back.
I take my feet off the footrests, put them on the ground and stand up, Alpha Male style
sweeping my long hair back over my shoulders, but my mate hasn’t realised this and when the lights went green, with a screech of tyres he went on the wrong side of the road to get round the bus, and left me standing in the facking middle of Barking Road. He got to the Greengate junction ( half a mile) before he realised I wasn’t there.
scandanavian_haven 01 Dec 14 00:52
god help her
post a photo of your mrs then.
god help her
post a photo of your mrs then.
what in the world makes you think I would do such a thing on an anonymous gambling forum, you may know people here personally, for me and many others it'll always be just that, anonymous, goodnight.
you may know people here personally, for me and many others it'll always be just that, anonymous, goodnight.
I think I may have posted this before.
I was 15 and had a Saturday job in a Supermarket (Fine Fare) this happened as I was on the Till (checkout) all the items had a sticker with price on this was pre barcodes.
Young lady early 20's is next I start putting through the items one has no price on it, continue with all the items until the only one left was the one without a price sticker on it.
At this point you rang a bell and on getting a reply from someone on the shop floor you shouted out "price check", at this point I would like to say that I was at an all boys Grammar School, a Catholic Alter Boy and the oldest of 6 all boys.
I replied " price check Dr Whites sanitary towels at the top of my voice" realising what I had said I went bright red, it looked like I had a Liverpool shirt on my head.
The person on the shop floor shouted my name and I thought here comes the price but no she asked " is that regular or heavy flow" at this point the customer walked out.
35 years later still my most embarrassing moment.
I was 15 and had a Saturday job in a Supermarket (Fine Fare) this happened as I was on the Till (checkout) all the items had a sticker with price on this was pre barcodes.
Young lady early 20's is next I start putting through the items one has no price on it, continue with all the items until the only one left was the one without a price sticker on it.
At this point you rang a bell and on getting a reply from someone on the shop floor you shouted out "price check", at this point I would like to say that I was at an all boys Grammar School, a Catholic Alter Boy and the oldest of 6 all boys.
I replied " price check Dr Whites sanitary towels at the top of my voice" realising what I had said I went bright red, it looked like I had a Liverpool shirt on my head.
The person on the shop floor shouted my name and I thought here comes the price but no she asked " is that regular or heavy flow" at this point the customer walked out.
35 years later still my most embarrassing moment.
Remembered me of that great scene in a Woody Allen film. He goes into a store to buy a scuddy book. To save his embarassment he buy every newspaper in the shop, about 20 of them, and hides it among them. Store is packed and the check out woman is ringing up all the newspapers. She gets to the scuddy book and shouts to her boss, "Boss, how much is it for an Orgasm".
Age, maybe 14-16 I had to write a summary of my achievements and background.
I truly can't recall what this was for, but must have been regarding employment I guess.
No internet back then for research, and didn't discuss with anyone as I should have.
In amongst the waffle and bullshit, I stated that I was from a middle class family, and that my father was a foreman bricklayer!
Of course, some years later I realised my error.....
I truly can't recall what this was for, but must have been regarding employment I guess.
No internet back then for research, and didn't discuss with anyone as I should have.
In amongst the waffle and bullshit, I stated that I was from a middle class family, and that my father was a foreman bricklayer!
Of course, some years later I realised my error.....
Makybe_Diva 30 Nov 14 19:06
It didn't shock me really BB.
Come on spill the beans
Read B_B' s post again. I think he's trying to tell us that he's got tits like a girl !
It didn't shock me really BB.
Come on spill the beans
Read B_B' s post again. I think he's trying to tell us that he's got tits like a girl !
if that is how you interpretet the post then the tit is you
When I was 16 I saw a middle age woman lying in the park in a distressed state. I ran to the petrol station about 100yds away and told them to phone the ambulance as a woman in the park had had a heart attack. Within 15 minutes ambulance and police arrived sirens blazing and a large crowd had gathered. I felt like an eejit and was totally embarrassed when the I heard the paramedic shouting to the coppers, "She`s not had a heart attack, she`s just p*ssed with the drink"!!
Yes, but you did right to go and get help. You weren't to know.
Some people are often mistaken for being drunk and are ignored, when they are actually having some sort of seizure or perhaps have some other medical condition.
I personally know a man who has learning disabilities. He fell in the snow in town and broke his hip. He couldn't make himself understood.
Several people walked passed him before someone stopped and helped.
Some people are often mistaken for being drunk and are ignored, when they are actually having some sort of seizure or perhaps have some other medical condition.
I personally know a man who has learning disabilities. He fell in the snow in town and broke his hip. He couldn't make himself understood.
Several people walked passed him before someone stopped and helped.
Even if he had been drunk they should have still helped him or phoned the police to alert them.
Agree 100% Diva, but I was embarrassed at my diagnosis. They still call me Marcus Welby to this day
Which neatly brings us to whether this, which I happen to believe to be one of the funniest clips I've seen on YouTube would have been anywhere near as funny had the viewer taken it too seriously and rushed to his assistance
http://youtu.be/3SPjy5RlqFE
http://youtu.be/3SPjy5RlqFE
I remember once years ago i thought i would do the wife a big favour and hang the washing on the line to dry....When she came home i told her and she said you silly **** they have not even been washed yet.....I put my hand in the machine and felt a couple of damp towels and thought the load had been washed.
....I put my hand in the machine and felt a couple of damp towels and thought the load had been washed.
I remember once years ago i thought i would do the wife a big favour and hang the washing on the line to dry....When she came home i told her and she said you silly **** they have not even been washed yet.....I put my hand in the machine and felt a couple of damp towels and thought the load had been washed.
....I put my hand in the machine and felt a couple of damp towels and thought the load had been washed.
Years ago working for a firm delivering phone directories.
Quite a big van. Three "staff" on the van. I didn't know either of the other two.
Driver crawling along close in to the kerb and me and the other guy grabbing 5 or 6 at a time from the open, back of the van and running up and down front paths putting the books on the ground, pressing the doorbells and running back down to the slowly moving van, etc.
Going up a steep hill after a couple of hours (boiling hot day) we started to flag a bit and asked the driver if we could have a break. He said yeh.
Just as he stops (and me and the other runner slump to the ground at the side of the road) a white mini cooper pulls up and a bloke gets out. Stocky build, spiky hair, jeans, leather jacket and has a chat with the driver for about 5 mins then shoots off. Anyway, we get going again and when we get to the top of the hill we find we haven't got enough of the books for about the last fifteen houses. The driver's confused - he's responsible and remembers counting the correct amount in back at the depot. So, we try to work out how or where we could have "lost" them.
Driver - You two were at the back of the van all the time.
Me - Yeh. That's right.
Driver - So you'd have seen if anyone took any.
Me - Yeh.
Driver - We never stopped anywhere.
Me - Yeh, we did.
Driver - No, we didn't.
Me - Yeh. About half way up this hill.
Driver - What? Don't remember that.
Me - Yeh. Me and the other "runner" had a break and you had a chat to your mate.
Driver - Eh?
Me - Your mate.
Driver - What mate?
Me - Stocky, hard-looking bloke. Pulled up in a white mini. Remember?
Driver - My missus you mean?
After a split second's silence, he took a swing at me (he was a big fecker) I ducked under it and legged it back down the hill without looking back. He chased me for a bit shouting stuff like, "She may not be very feminine but she's still my wife, you khaant!" And the only other thing I could hear was the other "runner" crying with laughter.
Never got paid either.
Quite a big van. Three "staff" on the van. I didn't know either of the other two.
Driver crawling along close in to the kerb and me and the other guy grabbing 5 or 6 at a time from the open, back of the van and running up and down front paths putting the books on the ground, pressing the doorbells and running back down to the slowly moving van, etc.
Going up a steep hill after a couple of hours (boiling hot day) we started to flag a bit and asked the driver if we could have a break. He said yeh.
Just as he stops (and me and the other runner slump to the ground at the side of the road) a white mini cooper pulls up and a bloke gets out. Stocky build, spiky hair, jeans, leather jacket and has a chat with the driver for about 5 mins then shoots off. Anyway, we get going again and when we get to the top of the hill we find we haven't got enough of the books for about the last fifteen houses. The driver's confused - he's responsible and remembers counting the correct amount in back at the depot. So, we try to work out how or where we could have "lost" them.
Driver - You two were at the back of the van all the time.
Me - Yeh. That's right.
Driver - So you'd have seen if anyone took any.
Me - Yeh.
Driver - We never stopped anywhere.
Me - Yeh, we did.
Driver - No, we didn't.
Me - Yeh. About half way up this hill.
Driver - What? Don't remember that.
Me - Yeh. Me and the other "runner" had a break and you had a chat to your mate.
Driver - Eh?
Me - Your mate.
Driver - What mate?
Me - Stocky, hard-looking bloke. Pulled up in a white mini. Remember?
Driver - My missus you mean?
After a split second's silence, he took a swing at me (he was a big fecker) I ducked under it and legged it back down the hill without looking back. He chased me for a bit shouting stuff like, "She may not be very feminine but she's still my wife, you khaant!" And the only other thing I could hear was the other "runner" crying with laughter.
Never got paid either.
Nice one Mr Biddlecombe
and you raspberrybottom
and you raspberrybottom
She may not be very feminine but she's still my wife, you khaant!"
Still making me laugh
Still making me laugh
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