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Those not so endearing dumb ar$sed things your wife does
Those not so endearing dumb ar$sed things your wife does
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Replies: 94
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Good thread. Bless em
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This evenings wisdom from mine over dinner;
She has various cleaning jobs. Todays is at the home of an elderly couple, but the woman there is in hospital at the moment for a hip operation, and their daughter is up staying at the house and looking after her dad. The Mrs tells me that the daughter is pleasant enough and she has bought her dog with her. 'What sort of dog?' 'Oh you know, the sort in that film, 101 Dalmations' 'A Dalmation?' 'I think so, yes' |
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i agree with Mrs tmp.
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We was driving down M23 past Gatwick. See huge jumbo jet which appeared to be hovering... Says to wife look he's hovering waiting to land. In all seriousness she tells me she never knew they could hover...
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Just to even the score
 I was really ill in bed and the post came. Richard, one of my ex boyfriends, told me that a replacement card had come for me so I asked him to deal with it. He then gave me the new card. The next monday I was starting a new job in a solicitors but needed some money. In my lunch break I went into the bank and asked for some money but after putting my card through they said there was a problem with the processing site and could I wait. I said I would come back in a few minutes. When I went back I noticed that a police car had pulled up outside the bank. However I went in and they asked me to wait in an office. Next thing there were police in the room asking why I was trying to use a cancelled card. The dumb twit had cut up the wrong card. This was a very, very long time ago, probably today they would not bother. So men are dumb too |
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A girl at work was suffering badly from Hay Fever with her nose running and eyes streaming.
"You should be taking something for that" I suggested "I can't. I'm allergic to hysterectomies" |
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'You see when we went to Turkey? Did we fly over the moon?'
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Ex drove down to London from the north to see her sis in south London, got to the M25, thought it seemed a long way round and decided it would be quicker just to nip through the Capital. Took almost 4 hours.
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plenty of genuine lol moments
'I think you ran over a frog' |
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Had friends coming to stay in Essex for a wedding. They were coming from London. They called from Leicester saying that they were lost. Good work imo.
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my misses made dresses for dolls and sold them on ebay ,got bored with it so she gave the rest to the school fair,
my youngest daughter asked me for a few quid for the school fair ,gave her a fiver,when she came home asked her what she,d bought,she showed me 5 doll dresses, hang on are they the ones you gave to the school fair,yes the misses replys ,well why the fook did you let her buy them ,"because thats what she wanted was the reply)  |
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I think there's a certain innocence coming across.
We got delayed by a day on a flight home, didn't affect us as we were in a relative's pad but on the plane they announced everyone was getting a free drink. I told her to get me a whiskey and coke then went to the lav, when I got back my drink was there but she only had a can of mixer. I asked where her booze was and she said she didn't want one. I steamed for 8 fecking hours that she didn't think on to get 'hers' for me  |
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^ that is so typical, why don't they just think ffs
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When I lived at home my friends had a friend called Susan.
One day she attempted to drive from Rayleigh in Essex to Great Yarmouth in Norfolk She called her husband from Sittingbourne in Kent (having gone through the Dartford Tunnel)to say she was lost. (And for those about to point out my error, this was well before the QE2 bridge) |
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creatureinthesky
thatb gave me a good chuckle. |
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A few weeks back wife came back from shopping Think I need a new exhaust
she says is it noisy I asked well when I press the accelerator it is |
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This might be a common female trait, but...
My wife will happily boil a kettle for a cuppa. No problem there. But, if she needs to boil something on the hob, she will fill the pan with cold water and bring that to the boil on the hob, rather than taking a fraction of the time and cost and boiling water in the kettle which sits 6 inches to the left of the hob. |
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Guy I worked with mrs called him to say she'd switched on the deep fat fryer and it was spitting.
He asked exactly what she'd done and turn out as the oil was a bit low, she'd bunged in a couple of cups of water  |
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When rearranging the kitchen my missus decided to put the cups in the cupboard above the breadbin and the jams etc in the cupboard above the kettle on the other side of the kitchen.
Took me ages to get her to see how daft that was. |
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Women and 'time and motion' - it's a no-go.
I will put the kettle on then while it's boiling, I re-fill the water filter, prepare the coffee / tea, add milk to coffee, or at least get it out for tea, kettle boils, pour out. Wife will get cups. Put in coffee / tea. Get milk. Then put kettle on and wait while it boils. Then complain that she hasnt got time to drink it before she goes to work / does the school run etc. And we run out of filtered water. |
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Girlfriend had her mates round to watch a film that was on very late.
I asked her why she doesn't just put the video of it on now which is sitting there on the shelf about 2 foot away, instead of waiting up for hours to watch the film. She looked at me as if I was insane. |
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I am not alone then.
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Again the ex, once driving along a fairly busy dual carriageway, there was a car ahead waiting to pull out of a side street and she stopped in the middle of the road and waved them out.
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Missus was driving I was reading the paper, she wanted me to tell her what happened in eastenders next week by looking in the tv section. I decided to make it up, "
"Monday: news of rickys death shocks Albert square" Oh no, I really liked him, how does he die? Dunno, doesn't say. Tuesday: a bomb goes off at the minimart, al qaeeda are the suspects, but Phil Mitchell is arrested by the police. A bomb? In the minimart? Apparently. Thursday: flight number x182 Scheduled for the south of France crash lands on top of the Vic killing all passengers and possibly some of the regulars. But who has survived? Really? Yes. Friday: as the square recover from yesterdays events, an escaped elephant from Walford zoo mars proceedings at rickys funeral. Oh, you're just making it up. Apparently. Wednesday: flight number |
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My daughter has a mutant hamster with only 1 tooth, it grows approx an inch a month (I sh1t you not) 1st time at the vets vet produces a pair of nail clippers & snips it off: cost £15.00.
Quick calculation reveals that over life expectancy of 5 yesrs thats gunna cost me £900, Fcuk that i thought, straight onto ebay & bought specialist dog nail clippers and bottle of Chloroform substitute, following month out come the clippers & Chloroform, hammy asleep, tooth removed £15 saved. Wife standing watching "whats that then ?" explained what Chloroform did & got the stare, followed by the "dont be so stupid" explained again at length what it does & placed it safely on the top shelf in the kitchen and went to put hammy back in his cage. Crashhhhhhhhhh bang wallop, raced back into the kitchen to find the silly nosey mare fast sleep on kithchen floor with said Chloroform bottle spilt on floor beside her, bent down quickly to pick her up very close to where bottle had spilt. Neither of us woke up til next morning - silly fookin bitch |
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^If that is true it's the best post I've seen on here.
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Loads of good ones on here. Didn't know you could get bottles of chloroform in the house.
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I can't believe that's true but it's fecking brilliant.
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It's 100% true, i sh1t you not
Silly b1tch said to me same day, "do you become immune to that stuff if youve done it once" I nearly shat mesen |
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It's a very funny story and you tell it well.
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C.F
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I didn't even know you could buy chloroform. Great story.
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As we watched the opening scenes of Pirates of The Caribbean I could almost hear the GF's mind ticking over planning our next holiday as she saw the beautiful scenery. She leaned over and whispered to me "Whereabouts is this set?"
Eating a pickled egg the other week she pulled a face and said "this is disgusting - it tastes like it's been soaked in vinegar". And I've had to explain why when we're driving along the moon follows alongside the car. |
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i don't care if CFK's post is true or not
thank fook i wasnt drinking |
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I love the chloroform story. Sounds a good way to shut them up when they're wittering away about bollox all during the football.
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I love the chloroform story. Sounds a good way to shut them up when they're wittering away about bollox all during the football.
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Not as funny as the chloroform story by a long way.
Back in the 1980s. sitting in my mates house one night, he put a film in the VCR. His mrs said 'What film is it?' He said 'Wait and find out, but you won't like it' The film started, and a big red 'C' came on the screen, then shrank to the middle and left, followed by a big red 'O' which did the same. She was sitting there saying C.C.C....CO...KO...KO then came a 'D' so she said 'COD' followed by an 'E' but instead of saying 'CODE' she said 'CODDY' me and my mate looked at each other and stopped ourselves from laughing an 'N' appeared and we now had 'CODDIN' followed by an 'A' 'CODDINA...what's coddina?' followed by an 'M' 'CODDINAM, is that near Vietnam?' and a final 'E' Now, you can all see that this spells CODENAME but even when the words 'THE SOLDIER' appeared in one hit underneath it, she still said 'CODDYNAMMY - THE SOLDIER' And ever since then, if we are in each other houses and a war film comes on, we say to her 'Remember CODDYNAMMY?' I suppose you had to be there.  |