Chit Chat
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Joint credit cards expire this month & had new ones delivered this morning. I validated the cards & signed the back of mine & gave Jackie hers to sign before she went shopping.
10 mins later she came to me in the garden asking what I'd done with her card.
"Jackie I gave them both to you not 10 mins ago ffs"
"I can't find it, you must have moved it."
"And how exactly would I have done that when I've been in the garden ever since?"
"Well it's not there"
"Feck's sake woman, right, I'll come & help you find it"
After 10 mins looking I said "what's that in the bin?"
"Oh they're just the old cards, I've just cut them up."
"You dozy bint, I cut the old ones up before I gave you your new one"
"Well, how was i to know, they look exactly the same as the old ones"
"Yeah, identical, except for the dates, numbers & design"
"But you didn't tell me you'd cut the old ones up"
"Well that's about as relevant as the fact that I didn't tell you I had a **** at 8:30 this morning!"
Unfeckingbelievable.
10 mins later she came to me in the garden asking what I'd done with her card.
"Jackie I gave them both to you not 10 mins ago ffs"
"I can't find it, you must have moved it."
"And how exactly would I have done that when I've been in the garden ever since?"
"Well it's not there"
"Feck's sake woman, right, I'll come & help you find it"
After 10 mins looking I said "what's that in the bin?"
"Oh they're just the old cards, I've just cut them up."
"You dozy bint, I cut the old ones up before I gave you your new one"
"Well, how was i to know, they look exactly the same as the old ones"
"Yeah, identical, except for the dates, numbers & design"
"But you didn't tell me you'd cut the old ones up"
"Well that's about as relevant as the fact that I didn't tell you I had a **** at 8:30 this morning!"
Unfeckingbelievable.
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are you facking mad? do not give her another one (card)
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if its any consolation you could be talking about my mrs, sounds like something she'd do.....sold a car recently which still had 9 months tax left on it, I took the disc out to reclaim it as it wasnt in the deal, next day went to where Id left the disc and it was gone, she'd ripped it in half and binned it when tidying up....honestly the stuff she's binned Im unaware off makes me shudder
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the phone call to Amex later was fun.
But Mr Unemployable you've only validated the cards less than half an hour ago Yeah I know, welcome to my world. Another example from a month or so ago... Watching the Portillo railway journeys programme where he's driving a steam loco. Jackie says - That looks complicated, how do they steer them? I look at her aghast, they're on rails Jackie. Well I know that, I'm not an idiot, but they do go round bends don't they! Oh ffs, I'm going to the pub. |
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Rearranges the furniture while im not in, shes five foot nothing, how does she move all ffs. My mother was the same.
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oh dear even a 3 year old with a fisher price plastic railway gets the concept
 my mrs, 'wonder whats in that cheero pody shop? like yourself looking on open mouthed not knowing whether to laugh or give a right hook....chiropody love,he looks after peoples feet.. |
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lol rop
Another one springs to mind (pardon the pun) Jackie came back home from shopping, Oh mike look, I've bought daisy a proper slinky wtf have you bought that for? Oh they're brilliant, I had one as a kid, you put them at the top of the stairs & they go all the way down to the bottom, she'll love it. But Jackie we live in a bungalow I know, it's a shame isn't it. I walk away shaking my head. |
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who's mike?
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My Mrs calls football kits/strips, uniforms, ffs
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women know your limits...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7swLLdF7ns |
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I will add that somehow, this person somewhere in her past garnered an MA in art history.
And they say exams are easy now! But there again - Art history? - proper degree? |
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similar here and a decent business....the mnd boggles
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mind^
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Oh, that reminds me, another one.
I was trading the snooker a while back & she had the girls round for a chat. They all went to pick the kids up & I felt it safe to move back into the lounge. She came back & I said to her that one of her friends had left their phone behind. Oh that's Tricia's I went to make a cuppa. Came back & she was texting. Who are you texting now? Mind your own business nosey, I'm just texting Tricia to let her know I've got her phone. Looked at her unbelievingly, waiting for the penny to drop - what are you looking at me like me like that for. Shook my head & went back to my office. 2 mins later there were a few beeps & Jackie said - Oh that's not my phone, Tricia must have got a text. I sh1t you not! |
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"Is that soup peppery?"
"Why not try it and see?" "I'd just like to know if it's peppery....is it?" "If you want to put pepper in it....put pepper in it." "I'd rather just know if it's peppery" "Why don't you make the soup, then you can put all the pepper in it you want!" "If you'd like I could make the soup" "WOULD IT BE PEPPERY?!" "I'd tell you if it was" "In future you make the soup then". "Is this soup peppery?" "Well, I put f***ing pepper in it!" "Is it peppery though?" "Yes." |
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lol
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Oh, I'd almost forgotten the trip to birmingham.
We're in Surrey, my family in N Wales. My daughter going up to stay with relatives, meeting half-way on the B'ham toll road. Jackie, it's wimbledon, gotta work, you'll have to take her love. Drops little one off ok at 12ish. Thank christ. Got a phone call at 4 o clock. Hi love, you nearly home? I'm in Bristol lol, wtf are you doing there got lost hmm, why? got confused with the road signs. ok, easy done, you ok now. yaeh, should be home in 3 hours ok, see you soon. 8pm I'm completely lost where are you? what a fecking stupid question, if I knew that... didn’t you turn the sat nav on? Oh that bloody thing! |
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ok, very late, my final offering & all true btw. This one is my absolute favourite, bless you Jackie.
This one’s more an exercise in gullibility Driving back from my parents in wales by the scenic route. Rolling hillsides, magnificent scenery. Jackie comments on the sheep grazing on a very steep hill. I tell her in an offhand manner that mutation & natural selection have led to sheep having legs 6 inches shorter on one side than the other so that they can stand on the steep hillsides easier. Wow, I never knew evolution could act that fast - That’s just like those sheep on Orkney that developed webbed feet that you told me about. (that is a fact btw). As the journey goes on I explain to her that like humans, handedness is somewhat random & that some sheep are shorter on one side than the other. As I explain, the implications of this are that some sheep walk clockwise up the hills & some walk anti-clockwise, & that mating can never occur between sheep walking in opposite directions. This abstrude nonsense made for a very enjoyable drive! |
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On holiday in Greece some years ago, my late wife and I were walking down a street at night, and she said to me 'is that the same moon as we have at home?'
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We let our then 13 year old child in the house on his own, she turned to him and said "Make sure you don't answer the phone to anyone unless it's us." (These were the days before number recognition.) We live close to an airport and a plane flew over our heads, she turned to me and said "I wish I was on that right now", "FFS you stupid bint, it's coming into land" I replied. |
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great thread. |
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Was in a supermarket with an old girlfriend , she pointed to some pork loin in the freezer & squealed in horror, OH LOOK,LION.
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We were once playing Trivial pursuit and a question came up about who a certain Chinese actress was married to(Answer was Chairman Mao)
She said C'mon, Give us a clue!! I said "little red book" Her answer was "Oh its Michael Aspell"  |
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This question to Rhodri Giggs.
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"Why does Jan keep signing her texts as Lorraine?"
"? What? Let me have a look" I look "FFS, it's LOL, means Laugh Out Loud" then 2 days ago "I don't know why, but Mel can never spell my name right on texts" "What do you mean?" "She always puts a letter and number" I look "M8 - MATE" |
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Many years ago we went for a weekend away in Exeter. Went to get the train home on the Sunday afternoon but found we had a 45 minute wait for the train.
Decided to the pub across the road for a drink. Outside is a blackboard which says "No Travellers". She says to me, "better not say we're getting the train" |
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When me and my mrs first lived together she was doing the dusting and had turned all the pegs on three guitars into straight lines.
'They look tidier now.' ffs !! |
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winkle
you are blo0dy lucky to have someone caring for you like that AND SHE WAS RIGHT they do look tidier!!!! ha ha!!!! and I bet as you were reading the FT you didn't lift your slippered feet as she went round |
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Another belter from mrs tmp.
On holiday in Cumbria, as you drive from Bowness to Ambleside, you come down a slight hill and approach the shores of Windermere, where the road has a right angled turn to run along the shore. On the corner of that turn is a house.... on the right.... For some stupid reason the owner advertises this by having a sign on the road side that says 'Drive on the right'... Oh yes she facking did !! And as I grabbed the wheel and got us back on the left, a Mountain Goat bus came around the bend and missed us by inches. 'I was doing what the sign said' was her response to the obvious question. |
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the phone call to Amex later was fun.
But Mr Unemployable you've only validated the cards less than half an hour ago Yeah I know, welcome to my world. Well worthy of a |
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Gentlemen. We all think we have it bad. We all, without doubt, have it good compared to this poor sod.
http://mil-millington.com/ |
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Good read
Relieved to hear I didn't end up marrying the only one! |
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twomatchpoints 09 Mar 12 12:03
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Told the missus once that if she was going out for a run or bike ride and got lost, then she should look at the satellite dishes on the sides of houses as they always point to the south...Her response:-
"What if you want to go north?"  Another time when heading down to West London from the M1 and needing J15 (the M4), she turned left at the M25 clockwise and continued to count all the junctions off until she got to J15 about 100 miles later!! And finally, the current missus whilst discussing what would happen if a bomb went off in the Channel Tunnel, and whether all the water would leak in? Perhaps not such a stupid question until I discovered that she thought it was just a big tube on stilts. |
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A recent one from a friend's mrs.
We were on xbox live and she was getting ready to go out. Throughout the game I could hear her going on and on about him not helping her find the hair comb. He was attempting to turn the microphone off but I could still hear as she was getting him wandering around lifting everything and moving things. After about 10 minutes of this he exclaimed "it's in your f**king hair". She went silent and the game continued |
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Perhaps not such a stupid question until I discovered that she thought it was just a big tube on stilts.
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More driving lunacy from mrs tmp :
We were in a B&B in the middle of nowhere in Cumbria, and I had driven to the nearest town twice so I knew the road well enough to speed a bit. Even though it was 6 feet 6 with passing places, the view for over half a mile was clear. I was descending the hill at 70 in the rain when she shouted at the top of her voice 'STOO-O-O-O-P!!' I slammed on the anchors and stopped. She looked out of the rear window and made the following statement 'I think you ran over a frog.' FFS!! AND ANOTHER ONE.. The following day she was driving back to the B&B, up the same hill. It had been raining heavily but had now stopped. I opened the window to rest my arm on the door, but she was too close to my side and my arm was getting wet touching overgrown foliage as we passed it. I said 'Move over a bit.' She moved to the facking left and I had to grab the wheel to stop the car going down a drainage ditch. She said 'I thought you meant move your way as I was close to the bushes this side.' 'Close, not actually in them, is normal' I said. She decided it was my fault for not being clear enough. |