When does the race start please ?

I can see you lads will not blutty well put your moneys where your gobs is ! So you did not have a bet, eh? I am sorry to be posting in the dead of night where you are, but this is due to the clocks going back in Nowa Huta.

Godolphin made a big mistake in not running a pacemaker. Uncle Kaspar set a handy pace, controlling the race from the front. He has a clock in his head, just like Steve Cauthen, but unfortunately, the alarm went off at the furlong pole to remind Uncle Kaspar to reset the timer on his video, and Uncle Kaspar shot over the rail. WOMBAT PRZEZNACZENIA was eight lengths to the good before Uncle Kaspar was unseated. Another 1.01 bites the dust.

Dettori stalked AR$E ON FIRE and MUCKY WHELK SACK but by the time he switched to the side where all the action was, CUSTERS ARMHOLE had flown. I know this is aftertiming, but I.MONGAN was such an eye catching booking. WTF was he doing in Nowa Huta ??

Also, CUSTERS ARMHOLE was the only beast to be declared with a tongue strap, except for Dettori ; Godolphin didnt want him blabbing to the Polish racing hacks. Not content with using a pair of ladys tights, CUSTERS trainer  a taciturn Scotch bloke called Marius Johnston  employed his wifes susses and he even jammed a pair of her flip-flops into the hosss gob. Why is it always so obvious after the event ? Those were ARMANI flip-flops !!

********* knew, as they went 11/2 in the shops. Loyal patrons of the Polish T0te were rewarded with odds of 82.6/1 as no-one in Nowa Huta has ever heard of Marius Johnston and his lovely wife, Deerdra.

Chrisford said the hoss reminded his boss of DAYLAMI. Godolphin have been lobbying the Jockey Club to re-name the hoss when it moves to the UK. So gentlemen  your cards have been marked and your clocks have been punched : Look out for a big grey called DUBAI WOMBAT, running in all the major staying races, including the Melbourne Cup. Chrisford has the strong opinion that Uncle Kaspar was not doing the hoss justice at sprint distances&but what can you expect when you have to train a hoss in a lift ?? Perhaps this is why the hoss suffered from travel sickness if he went beyond 6 furlongs.

So&Godolphin dont mess about and they wanted DUBAI WOMBATS teeth checked out straight away. What could account for the hosss sudden lunge in the last furlong? They didnt know about the alarm clock and Uncle Kaspar was quite happy to leave them none the wiser. Since they were far from home, Simeon Crisford asked Uncle Kaspar if he knew a good hoss doctor and naturally enough, Uncle Kaspar recommended Professor**berk, whose thriving dental practice is renowned throughout the length and breadth of Nowa Huta. Humans, horses, dogs ; Uncle Kaspar will extract anyones teeth for cash up front.

SHUT UP YOU SPANNNNNISHHH BASTURT. I LIKE POLISH PEOPLES ESPECIALLY UNCLE KASPAR. AND LIKE IT OR NOT THIS TAIL WILL CONTINUE VERY SOON. AND OW**YOU KNOWZ ABOUT MONKEYS, THEY AINT GOT ON EAR YETI.

TOO WAYZ TO SPEEL TALE.

Jonny Greenwood of Radiohead sold Uncle Kaspar 220 gallons of mouthwash and for a substantial profit, Uncle Kaspar passed the mouthwash over to Professor**berk, so everybody got a cut and everybody was happy.**berk also uses the stuff to fuel his Fiat Polska. OK **berk is denying the government some much needed tax revenue to build hospitals, etc., but does that make him a bad person?

WHAT HAIR !!!

No one can remember how it quite happened, but somehow,**berk mixed up the X-rays and he ended up extracting two of Uncle Kaspars teeth. If theres an up-side to this sorry tale, it could be that DUBAI WOMBAT now has the whitest teeth in the equine world ;**berk tried to put a gloss on it by saying that DUBAI WOMBATS stud fee should be increased by 20% when he retires.

Theres no point continuing with Poirot at the moment as Uncle Kaspars mouth is so painful. He is going to sue the a$$ off someone, thats for sure. Whether its**berk or Radiohead hasnt been decided yet. There certainly should be a health warning with that dreary English music.

That may or may not be, gentlemen...but are you REALLY paying attention?? Spot the deliberate error in post number 49 : " Uncle Kaspar will extract anyones teeth for cash up front. "

Do you REALLY think that Uncle Kaspar would set up his stall - or dentist's chair - alongside a qualified practitioner like Professor**berk ?? Could he really pull his own teeth for a few extra Zlotys in the bank? If he did, then his settlement could be effected.

Certainly, there are those who say that listening to one of Uncle Kaspar's stories is like having teeth pulled.

Before some smarta$$ on Betfair points out that apes aint monkeys and all that David Attenborough stuff, let me just say that Im not in the mood for it. The smell in the bedroom is rank, as theyre mostly old, budget monkeys. Although hes rolling in it, Uncle Kaspar still cant resist a bargain&I think its pathological&the nurses have started calling him Lester behind his back.

Several fights have erupted as JONAS is obsessed with Madonnas posterior in her new video where she rips off Abba and the bird from Saturday Night Fever. JONAS has taken charge of the remote control and he switches to whatever channel is showing Madonna : MTV, The Hits, The Box  whatever. When she comes on and sets up her beatbox&when she starts her stretching, etc., JONAS goes apesh*t --- like this : OOOOOOOOOaaaaaa ! AAAAAAeeeeeeeee ! UUUuuuuaaa ! OOOiiiiii ??

Basically, he sounds like a contestant on Countdown who has done loads of speed and cola and strong coffee  one who is determined to make Carol post only vowels.

Basically, he sounds like a contestant on Countdown who has done loads of speed and cola and strong coffee  one who is determined to make Carol post only vowels.

After taking a couple of Ibuprofen and a glass of Ribena, Uncle Kaspar was happily engrossed in an episode of Secret Army  set in Belgium by the way  when he made the momentous decision to light another cheap cigar. Everything was quiet as the monkeys had given up fighting and had settled down for the might.

Uncle Kaspar is recovering well in hospital, but there were no simian survivors. The last words of JONAS were,  Aa  o  aa& which, when you think about it, is Madonnas name without consonants.

It is finished

Honest.

Agreed, Tommy

Excellent.