HELLO, good morning and welcome to my blog. Isn’t it great how many famous people seem to support Red Nose Day? Alex Ferguson, Ricky Tomlinson, Ronald McDonald...
What a weekend I’ve just had.
After having to undergo emergency eye surgery in the immediate aftermath of Katie Price performing I Want To Break Free on my 3D television (think ‘dead heat in a Zeppelin race’), I was forced to spend most of yesterday avoiding bright light. Luckily I can comfortably afford the best in private health care, so I didn’t have to join the waiting list for eye treatment behind the referees, the umpires and the lab rats.
I knew my Uncle Remus’s organic cucumber farm in Essex would come in useful one day. On my return home, I gave him a call and, blagging him that I’d invited a Thai lady over for dinner who fancied a bit of Yum Tang Gwa, he quickly had a fresh one sent over to my castle via microlight. My eyes were much less sore within minutes of my butler ‘Daft’ Frankie Johnson applying a couple of thin slices. I felt rather awkward sitting there cucumbered-up getting him to put my glass of champers to my lips every time I wanted a sip, but I pay him handsomely and he knows not to talk back.
While I’m more than proficient in the use of Braille, I soon grew tired of reading the selection of literature available - the warnings on my head cleaner’s bleach bottles. Still, I felt fortunate that my fingers are as sensitive as ever – it’s not like I’ve ever had them burnt punting.
Furthermore, my temporary blindness gave me the opportunity to listen to some relaxing and soothing music by three of my favourite composers - Schubert, Haydn and Fleshgod Apocalypse. I digress. Given the amount of time I’ve had to waste on ocular recuperation this weekend, I haven’t been able to study my vast database of results spreadsheets as thoroughly as I’d like, but I still have a corking tip for you all.
BACK West Ham to beat Burnley in the FA Cup tonight. At just under even money, here’s a fantastic opportunity to virtually double your cash as an established Premier League outfit takes on a very average Championship side. West Ham are struggling against relegation, granted, but those bubble-blowing Hammers love a good FA Cup run and, like Portsmouth last season, can continue to progress, despite their abysmal league form. Burnley, on the other hand, have a poor away record and their two ‘star’ (ahem) signings - Charlie Austin and Marvin Bartley - are both cup-tied.
Remember – back high, lay low, but never eat the yellow snow.