Don't Cry For Me Marge & Tina v Careful in Korea.
As noted, travelling and shopping caused me to miss his first significant chunk of the World Cup so far. Which, was a pity as, by the little bit I caught of it, the first-half of this game looked rather excellent. The Bargies scored twice early on through a Park Chu-Young own-goal and a second from Higuain. They looked, frankly, just as good as they looked against Serbia and Montenegro four years ago in their second match - like exiled Gods, descended to walk the Earth. Really ugly (though, talented) exiled Gods in the case of Tevez, but still ... And then, as you kind of suspected they might, they switched off for a few minutes just before the break and Korea, completely against the run of play, pulled one back (though Lee Chung-Yong) after the Argentine defence went into slapstick comedy mode.

Gutierrez got a yellow card for a bit of outrageous stroppiness (and will, therefore, miss Argentina's next match). Macherano got one for something of a shin-crusher and, as the Argentine passes went to waste, Yeom Ki-Hun missed a golden opportunity to put the Tigers back on level terms after a fine four-man move.But, you always sensed Argentina had another gear (or two, or three) to go up and, ten minutes from the end Higuain got his second and his country's third with a tap-in after Messi had hit the post. And, two minutes later, he completed his hat-trick. Just before the end Jim Beglin did a very significant little riff on how Argentina are beautiful going forward but aren't, perhaps, the best defenders in the world and that, somewhere, wait for them is a test yet to come. (When the highlights were shown on the BBC later, Hansen and Dixon picked up on the same vibe.) And, it has to be asked, is this another case - as with that Serbia game four years ago - of one team capitulating and making the other one look just that inch or two more brilliant than they actually are?


Slowly I Turned, Nigeria Falls v Grecian 2010
You could just tell how seriously the BBC were taking this one. They gave Lineker the half-day off and replaced him with Colin Murray. There was a look on Adebayor's face that seemed to ask 'who the Hell is this bloke? And, what is he talking about?' I don't know whether it's just that we've already have seventeen games - and a lot of them really haven't been very good - that caused a singular lack of interest in the opening exchanges of this one. All that changed, of course, when Kalu Uche scored after fifteen minutes with free-kick from distance that, somehow, the Greek keeper managed to dive out of the way of. Thereafter, it was all Nigeria - clever passing, good movement off the ball. They looked good, they were in control. And Greece looked, frankly, like a rabble. There were arguing among themselves even before the goal but, after it, Socrates and Plato couldn't have debated this lot towards unity. If there was one thing that was certain, it was that Nigeria were coasting. Then, inexplicably, Sanu Kaita disputed a throw-in with Vassilis Torosidis and, for some reason, kicked out at his opponent. He didn't connect all that hard, to be fair but, of course, Torosidis made the most of it and went down like a sack of ****. The referee, Oscar Ruiz, had no choice but to send Kiata off. After that, of course, it was all Greece, with Otto Rehhagel sending on big Giorgos Samaras in place of midfielder Socratis Papastathopoulos the man with,undoubtedly, the Greekest name in the history of Greece. The only way he could be any more Greek would be if he opened a Kebab shop in Stoke Newington. Only the - very impressive - Nigerian keeper, Vincent Enyeama, thwarted them (well, him and a goal-line clearance from Lukman). But, he could do nothing about the equaliser a minute before half-time, Salpingidis' shot deflecting off a defender giving poor Vincent no chance. That livened things up and led to something of a spirited half-time discussion between Dixon and Hansen. About something.

Greece started the second-half like they meant it but they were caught on the break at one point and Obasi missed an absolute sitter. Big hard Martin Keown, meanwhile, was whinging again - this time about how cold it is at nights ('I had to have a continental quilt on') Ah, poor lamb. Then, we had Vincent's first mistake, just seconds after he'd made another brilliant save, spilling a shot from distance straight to the feet of Torosidis, who scored. A moment of madness had, perhaps, ultimately doomed Nigeria to an early exit. Always beware of Greeks healing rifts.


Lost In France v Mexican Waves
The BBC introduced a new panellist tonight, Roy Hodgson. Unsurprisingly, because he's a very good manager, he talked an awful lot of sense in that kind of laid-back minimalist style of his. Although, twice, he did seem to think France were playing Algeria. No, Roy, that's the english, tomorrow. Then we got possibly the most soulless version of 'La Marseilles' I think I've ever heard. It set the ton for what followed. It sounded not unlike a recording of the Beatles circa 1966, full of sound and fury signifying nothing.

Steve Wilson was impressed by the Mexican supporters. 'How nice to hear singing instead of ... blaring!' I was pretty impressed with the Mexican team, personally, and so was Steve. Mark Bright, on the other hand, wasn't impressed by anything expect the verbals that dribbled on and on from his own ringpiece. Oh God, it was trite and monotone and utterly, utterly worthless in any way shape or form. Unlike the match itself, which was really rather good. Wilson further compared William Gallas to a new-born Gazelle which was a novel, if slightly bizarre, image. By half-time, Mr Hodgson had, seemingly, sorted out who was actually playing and made some very good points. Mexico were bright, neat and quick on the break but didn't have much cutting edge up-front. Shearer noted that if they could sort that out, the match was there for the taking. France, on the other hand, were a hundred times better than they'd been against Uruguay. But still a thousand times short of anything even approaching 'good.' In fact, they looked like a disjointed shower. And they looked worse in the second half, all sulky 'pah' and no 'va-va-voom.' Then, Hernandez beat a rubbishy attempt to play offside and put Mexico into the lead. The goalscorer and his young striker partner, Dos Santos, were in fact the best players on the pitch whilst, as Wilson noted, 'the longer the game has gone on, the worse France have got.' It promptly got even worse for them, Abidal bringing down Barrera and old man Blanco scoring from the resulting penalty. Send for Harry Grout. Domenech looked for all the world like a man waiting to be led to the guillotine. Couldn't, possibly, happened to a nicer team. The World Cup, ladies and gentlemen, everybody smiles when the French get beat.

Goals: 38
Red Cards: 6

Amerikkka v Slovenia

Several Elvises (or should that be Elvi?) in the crowd singing 'The Star Spangled Banner.' Oh hell, it must be the Americans. Either that, or I'm on very hard drugs. Yeah, it is America because, after less that thirty seconds, Clint Eastwood (or someone) elbowed Ljubijankic in the face. Oi! There's a North Tyneside copywrite on that sort of thing, pal. Anyway, we got an interesting camera angle from above the pitch which appeared to show that the centre circle had been marked out a bit wonky. You want some top-quality goals scored from miles outside the box? Then have some of this. Slovenia's decent start became a sensational one as Valter Birsa collected the ball twenty five yards out in space and curled a gorgeous left-foot shot into the corner of Tim Howard's net. The Everton keeper didn't even move. 'I always thought there was a look of Hannibal Lecter about Bob Bradley,' noted Steve Wilson completely out of left-field. Not sure if Martin Keown actually understood the reference, he merely grunted in reply.

The Americans then had a great spell where they probably could have scored two or three. But, they didn't and football can be a really cruel game. Just as USA start to think they were getting back into it, Slovenia went up the other end and doubled their lead. Ljubijankic finishing it by coolly slotting in after Milivoje Novakovic's perfectly-timed pass. The Malian referee, Koman Coulibaly, had a good start to the game but, just as commentators were complimenting him on letting the game flow, he went and spoiled it by booking Robbie Findley for handball when the ball riccocheted off his face and brush his hand on the way down. Easily, the single worst bit of referereing in the tournament so far and way worse than anything the much criticised Spaniard did in the previous game. And worse was to follow.

At half-time, Hansen, in his really nice blue shirt, bigged-up the Yankie boys whilst Roy Hodgson was, again, very precise and smart in his critique. His pronunciation of the word 'Americans', however, was hilarious. Roy, trust me, what you're saying is the name for a pubic wig.

Almost as soon as the second-half kicked-off, Donovan got the USA back into the game, the Slovenina goalkeeper shamefully flinching - actual proper flinching, an'all, mind - as Donovan shot at him from a narrow angle. After that it was pretty much all America against a strong, hard-working, give-no-quarter Slovan back-line. It took until the eighty first minute before Michael Bradley got on the end of a knock-down to equalise. There was a disallowed goal after that and lots of blood and thunder and rockets red flares and all that malarkey. Replays shown there was little, if anything wrong with the one that was disallowed. Keown whinged, about stuff generally and the referee in particular. Slovenia broke neatly but Tim Howard saved well, twice. It was all proper cracking stuff. The game ended almost exactly as it began, with a Slovan rolling around on the floor, clutching his face. Is it really just a couple of days ago that we were all sitting aroudn saying 'hasn't been much cop so far'?!

Goals: 43
Red Cards: 7

Nice going Grav,
Been off for a while & the tournyment (c Big Ron) has taken a turn to the eccentric as you said

Couple of things
To me its clear the accent on the modern game is more & more on defensive tactics & athleticism
Remember Bobby Robson said one time, in mitigation of a 1-1 with Saudi Arabia (In The Name Of Allah, Go!), there are no easy games in international football

Well the whole world has progressed from that. It seems every one wants to copy the Inter/Chelsea/ManUtd Mourinho model. The one that preaches dropping the likes of Joe Cole for hefty midfield runners, pressuring teams in their half so that chances on goal can be created without that awful nonsense about building from the back, passing the ball etc

When you get 2 teams with this philosophy you end up with some of the dross in S.Af
Tho, admittedly one could not but cheer on the Swiss the other night & the DPR Koreans
Its been anarchic,  but it does make sense I think
Take Serbia. They went 4-4-2 v Ghana & didnt really look like scoring, then went 4-5-1 v ze chermans & hey preston mr ref decides he likes the modern cut of their jib

Some of the teams who have impressed like the Mexicans, Koreans, Chileans, most of the Africans have been largely impervious to this Mourinho ethos
Unfortunately I doubt these will be getting too far in the knockout stages
Pity the hosts look booked for an early exit. Roared with happiness at that first goal but seems Parreira was too open in the Uruguay game, allowing CJ de Muy lookalike Forlan too much space.

As for dear old Ingerlund, well I have thought for years the term world class banded about for the likes of Frankie, Stevie G & Wazza was plainly ridiculous in 2 of their cases & premature for the latter
If u ever catch the RTE boys discussing champs lge games on youtube you'd hear their negative opinions on the suggested world class ability of english players, I couldnt agree more

Still, I do fear they will get out the group.
Don Fabio is sure to see sense & pick Joe Cole & Peter Crouch who has a rep 2nd to none at battering in goals v the likes of Slovenia
As for Mr Wayne Rodney, he needs to grow up. His snarling bullying attitude is somehow accepted in the epl
On this stage he's a bit part actor

The Clockwork Oranj v The Plastic Ono Band

If anything, the first-half of this was even worse than the first-half of England's match. Barely a shot from either side. You could tell the Dutch were starting to get really narked by the lack of creativity they were able to get going. ITV fussed and fretted at half-time but Edgar Davids seemed calm and composed and, sure enough, the Dutch couldn't possibly play that badly again in the second half. And, unlike England, they did get better with Wesley Sneijder scoring a beauty, albeit with a bit of help from the Japanese keeper. In the end, the Dutch should have had at least two more - the substitutes Afellay and Huntelaar both missing good chances to make the game safe. They're still not firing on all cylinders yet and, to be honest, it wouldn't be unfair to suggest that they've been that much better than England, for example, in their two games. Yet the Oranj have six point and are the second team near enough confirmed as being through to the next round. They still don't look a well balanced side and they're clearly missing Robben. Van der Vaart seems wasted out wide and when he cuts in he and Sneijder occupy, essentially, the same space. But two wins, three goals, none conceded and without much effort. They're now unbeaten in twenty one consecutive matches.

Could this be the year of the Oranj?

Black Stars v Socceroos

The game started with yet another goalkeeping calamity, Kingson spilling Bresciano's right-foot shot into the path of Brett Holman, who scored from close-range. And, for the next fifteen minutes, Australia completely bossed the game. Ghana couldn't string two passes together and Mark Bright was just about writing their obituary when a cross from the right found Jonathan Mensah and his goalbound shot hit Harry Kewell on the line. It seems to hit a combination of his chest and right arm but Italian referee Roberto Rosetti pointed to the spot and showed Kewell a straight red card. (To be fair, different camera angles suggested different thigns with at least one appearing to show the decision in a much better light than others.) Asamoah Gyan step up and confidently slots home the penalty. Thereafter, if it hadn't been for Mark Schwarzer the game would have been all over by half-time. Although, ironically, his best save of the lot ended up as a goal kick after both referee and linesman failed to spot him getting a clear touch on a Kevin-Prince Boateng shot. Second half substitutions (Chipperfield and the very impressive Kennedy) improved Australia's shape and, suddenly, with quarter of an hour to go, you genuinely couldn't tell which team had the ten men and which the eleven. Almost in spite of itself, a very unpromising game had ended up as an end-to-end classic. There were thrills, spills, blood (Pantsil getting an - accidental - face full of Kennedy) and, sadly, now more goals. Good one that, though.

Goals: 46
Red Cards: 8

Keep it up Grav
Think the spain honduras game brings us to half way

Some random tv stuff
Chiles is terrible in his wanchor (ho ho) role on ITV
Clearly ott during the ingerlund games, his croatian
heritage you'd think would give him some sense of perspective
He & Dixon always looked good on beeb2 as an antidote to the lineker/hansen-FA-Cup-final-86 double act.
Tho Its Dixon who appears the lennon to the baggie's mccartney now, as the former arsnl right back has a seat with the big boys on MOTD & doesnt look out of place. Far from it Hansen seems to have picked up his lazy game off the golf range now he sees some competition in the 'bad defending' department
I did read in Private Eye a few years ago that such was Chiles impact doing the highlights show in the 2006 World Cup there was serious consideration given to the order of the boot for Mr lineker
Apparently that came to nowt with the watertight nature of the crisp salesman's contract so AC was given the ghastly 'one show' as some sort of compo
Obviously too good for the pensioners/students financial advice show by then
Of course he ended up as Burton to the fragrant miss Bleakley's Taylor (Crikey does that make Frankie = larry fortensky?).
That episode must have made Mr line-acre's extra marital carry-ons  rather sedate in the eyes of the mandarins at the beeb so off Chiles popped to ITV displacing the popular Steve Rider
(Popular in my eyes, anyway, a bloody nice bloke who gave me his autograph many moons ago)

Anyway the moral of the story is the Beeb is doing v nicely indeed without old 'Voodoo' Chiles thank u v much.
Especially judging on the way highlights replacement Colin 'Diego Milito' Murray has slipped into the role
HIs dealings with Aussie snake-oil salesman Craig Johnston on saturday showed he has a rare wit
And I have a feeling that come early wednesday evening a statesman-like Sir Garrence lynam-ker will be broadcasting the news to a joyful nation of an  impending 2nd round clash with the dear old cousins from Germany
& for that we shall all be thankful
AMen

4
James Corden
Is it just me or is this bloke turning into ITV's walking talking Jonah-in-the-whale style mascot?
That TV show of his is absolutely rancid, its unwatchable
He has one of the 1966 heroes every time & they barely get to speak. Treated like an elderly grandparent at xmas.
I do admit to watching the Chris Evans show many years ago in my 20s so clearly I aint the right demographic now
Even so I think I'm right in saying it hits the wrong tone in typical ITV low rent style
You'd think after the no shows from the national team the atmos would be somewhat subdued, but no there he goes bigging it up, larging it etc.
Not an england fan but if I were & caught someone purporting to be running a world cup show in this manner I'd be tempted into doing an Elvis - putting me boot thru the screen
Dont think Corden realises what a n0b he looks
And then there's all this business with him fooling around with the squad, in their periods, extensive no doubt, of leisure
Harmless enough but it smacks ever so much of the Eriksson regime
In the end its all about Corden making himself look good, the look at me with Rio & Wayne syndrome
I did read a couple of years ago about RTE sending a comedian off with the boys of Ballydoyle as they went off to California for the Breeders Cup
The guy was an utter p3nis by all accounts getting himself in the way, making inappropriate comments & jokes. End result unsurprisingly was 0 wins for Ireland
Should England go out in the groups then I fancy MR Corden will be guilty by association, maybe even seen as a cause rather than a side affect

Them Trios-De-Los Paranoios v Czechless o'Slovakians

Oh my God, Colin Murray is on the ¤¤¤¤ing BBC again. And so is McCarthy. Even when he's not commentating on a match, the bastards STILL have him in the studio - there is literally no escape. I don't pay my licence fee for this!

It looked a really good game, once it got going. In that kind of "I'm-not-really-bothered-who-wins-this-I-just-hope-it's-entertaining" sort of way that you often get around the second group match stage at the World Cup. A bit like the second and third games yesetrday, actually. The Para-guys took an early lead, Lucas Barrios - who was involved in everything they did that was good - slipped the ball into the path of Enrique Vera who burst into the area and done a faultless finish with the outside of his right boot, bending it around Jan Mucha. A superb goal. It was, at least according to Martin Keown, 'a typical South American goal.' I'm not sure exactly what that means? Maybe that it was subjugated by the Spanish and enslaved for centuries? Perhaps we'll never care. Paraguay really deserved their lead and were easily the best team in the first-half. But, thereafter, Slovakia clawed themselves back into the game with some neat passing (and some rugged tackling). They never really threatened, howver and, a couple of minutes from the end, Riveros wrapped the game up for the boys from Asuncion.

Goals: 51
Red Cards: 8

Brazil Nuts v Cote D'Ivoire & Ebonire

This is the one we'd been waiting for - potentially the two best flair sides in the tournament. The BBC lit up the night with a musical montage of Brazil's Greatest Hits and another one about The Advance of Africa. It felt mouth watering. The anticipation of matches like this are why you wait four years for the World Cup to come around. 'Brazil always bring colour and imagination to a World Cup,' noted Mr Lineker. Well, that's just asking for trouble, isn't it? Clarance Seedorf survived an encounter with the deadly killer Garth Crooks and made some very good points: 'Kaka has not had the best season with Real Madrid, of course, and he did not show his best in the first game against North Korea either. But he is working hard and I am sure he can settle into this tournament and come to life at any moment. Ivory Coast will have to keep a check on him because he is such a top player.'

The game started slowly. Very slowly. In fact a highlight of the first ten minutes was a really rather barbed jibe by the normally quite passive Mark Lawrenson about Sepp Blatter. That, and Jonathan Pearce's one man love affair/'but why does he have to be such a cheat?' confusion over Lucio. The Ivory Coast looked good, hunting in packs, good in possession, strong and disciplined. All-in-all they were probably the better team for most of the oepning phase. No final product though and I think it was about a quarter of an hour in before Drogba actually touched the ball. Mind you, the same could be said for Kaka and Luis Fabiano at the other end. Then, after twenty five minutes, the latter scored one the goal of the tournament, a vicious shot from the corner of the box that almost burst the net.

If that was 'one of the best goals of the tournament' then the one he scored early in the second half appeared to be the best, a stunning piece of ball juggling in the area before a clinical finish. Sadly, TV replays showed it was a case of literal juggling as he'd clearly handled it. None of the officials saw it, however and it was 2-0. Then, finally, the Ivories got tickled and woke it. Drogba had a fine chance to pull a goal back but missed it. As if stop contemptuously slap the uppity Afircan back down into the gutter, Brazil promptly went up the other end and scored a third, a beauty by Elano. Meanwhile, Pearce and Lawrenson were having a fascinating discussion about whether people who do the Mexican Wave are 'muppets' or whether Lawrenson is a 'Scrouge.' That'd be 'yes and, err, 'yes.' Elano then just about survived a really nasty shin-breaker of a tackle by Tiote, though he had to go off. By this time the Brazilians had finally turned up to the party with a bottle of rum and a six foot three transvestite dressed like Carman Miranda. Of course, there were inevitable hiccups (you get that with coconut rum). Drogba reduced arrears after a fine move. Kaka got himself booked for a bit of stupid push and shove and then sent off for an elbow in the chest of Keita. Which was obviously a considerable surprise to the African as he went down clutching his face. It all got a bit nasty and spiteful which, to be honest, the game had never been before that. And there were lots of amusing shots of Dunga going mental on the touchline.

Goals: 57
Red Cards: 9

Thread remains a terrific read.

Voodoo Chile v Young Boys of Bern

A really fascinating clash from Nelson Mandela Bay, this one. Guy Mowbray stuck the knife in early with a spiteful little reminder of Mark Bright's disastrous four months playing with the gnomes of FC Sion which to catch Brighty mind-strop. The game got off to a right old bit of palavar as Humberto Suazo became one of the quickest booking in world cup history (fifty eight seconds). And, that sort of set the tone with a very picky referee. There were moments of individual skill and class amid a welter of stop-start and niggly fouls and it was pretty inevtiable that, sooner or later, somebody was going to get sent off. It just had that feel to it. After thirty minutes, we got what we'd been expecting. Valon Behrami was given his marching orders for an elbow on Arturo Vidal. It didn't actually look too bad at normal speed and the Chilean clearly made a meal of it but, on reflection, TV replays did justify the referee, Khali Al Ghamdi's decision.

In the second half Sanchez had a goal disallowed for offisde (it was), which caused a momentary pause in Mark Bright's brown-tongued love affair with the Chilean. The Swiss held on, broke a record for not conceding a goal in World Cup games and, despite Chile's flair and guile, the longer it went on, the more a part of you actually wanted them to hold on and get a battling draw. 'It's one of the oddest games of football I've ever seen,' noted Guy Mowbray. Not odd, exactly. Curious. Then, finally, Estaban Paredes beat the offside trap and crossed for Gonzalez to score. 'The key to unlock that Swiss bank vault is found!' said Guy, poetically. They then missed a hat full of chances to wrap the game up. They were almost made to pay in the last minute when Derdiyok missed a sitter to equalise. Really good game in the end - despite the referee!

Goals: 65
Red Cards: 10

Spain v Poor Bloody Honduras Haven't Got A Chance

Do my ears deceive me? Is that Alan Shearer really doing voice overs on Morrisons adverts? After ITV had done their stint at destabilising the England camp by running as 'Capello slags off Terry' interview, and Chiles had ramped up the 'DRAMATIC BREAKING NEWS' ¤¤¤¤e (the dramatic breaking news being 'the England manager asserts his right to, you know, manage), we were off for forty five minutes of quite disgraceful slavver from Drury and Beglin over Spain. Yes, they were good in the first half - only scored one, mind, but still they knocked the ball about something lovely. But, to hear Clive and Jim go on you'd think they had Torres and co giving them a lap dance and smothering their naughty bits in slimy love butter. I mean, it's just a game of football, chaps. Yes, David Villa's goal was indeed a thing of beauty. Yes, they're good. But, there are two teams playing, you know. In fact, one of the highlights of the half, was Pique getting hit in the stones with the ball blammed from close rang. Fair brought tears to the eyes, so it did. Try looking sexy after that, senor!

Second half? Boring. Villa scored another. Villa missed a penalty. Honduras hardly got the ball out of their own half. Spain strolled around like they owned the place. Fabregas came on and, with his first touch had a goalbound shot cleared off the line. It drifted. It ended. We learned nothing.

Goals: 67
Red Cards: 10

Greasy Argentines v Greasy Greeks
South Corries v Nigerian Enders

Happy Harry The Hamster joined the BBC team tonight. Gosh, that's just what we need, another gob¤¤¤¤e - though definitely not corrupt, of course - manager who never got within an hundred miles for actually playing international football, let alone in the World Cup, telling us all how it should be done. Be still my heart. Very still. When showed a bit of footage of the 1982 Brazilians, Happy Harry's in depth analysis was 'unbelieveable that, Gary, unbelieveable.' And my licence fee is going on this? Bring back Christine Bleakley. At least she's pretty and can read an autocue. Things didn't improve much once we reached the stadium with Mick McCarthy's pronunciation of Papaststhopoulos sounding more uncannily like 'that b@stard popoulos' each successive time he said it.

As excepted, of course, the Argentine's strutted about like they own the place, passing the ball to death in moves so complex they appeared in danger of diappearing in a puff of prestidigitation. It took them twelve minutes before they actually had a shot on goal, however. I checked out the other game on BBC3. Not much to say, really. Everybody looked a bit disinterested. And Kanu was playing. 'nuff said, really. Back to the Argentine. (Course, typically, literally about thirty seconds after I switched back, Uche scored for the Nigerians.) And so the first half continued as a bit of a disappointment, to be honest. One team happy, for the most part, not to play and the other team happy, for the most part, to play with themselves. The Greek keepr made a couple of good save, the Greeks occasionally produced a few passes and big Samaras up front looked quite decent on the odd occasions when the ball got through to him. A highlight of the first half was Papadopoulos going down heavily claiming he'd been smacked in the mush, being taken off, and coming back on with a comically huge swab of cotton wool in his gob. Made him look like he was in a constant state of projectile vomit. I turned back over to hear Simon Brotherton say 'Nigeria are, at times, threatening to play really very well indeed.' But then, Mark Bright opened his mouth and I sought the safety of BBC1 and McCarthy instead. And, again, missed a goal - South Korea's equaliser - by seconds.

The second half began ominously for Greece. Dear old Otto Rehhagel took off his playmaker, Karagounis, and brought of a full back. Whilst the Greeks were showing a spectacular lack of ambition, over in Durban, the Koreans had taken the lead. It was hard not to cheer. For all of Greece's hard word and spirit, their 8-1-1 formation was doing nothing for the cause of adventurous football. meanwhile, Yakuku was providing them miss of the world cup, from literally two feet and then, an equaliser, from the penalty spot. Do you ever get the feeling you've just picked the wrong game to watch. When Mick McCarthy starts banging on about 'I hate to commentate on games like this,' you know something is backward. I mean, he's managed enough of them. 'I would be so disappointed if I'd come to the World Cup and not had a go. it must be a hollow feeling.' cough1990cough. Anyway.

And then, fianlly, finally, Demichelis scored. And, for once, pretty much everybody in the world was cheering an Argie goal. well, not in Athens, obviously. But, definitely in Soeul and Lagos. The Argies got a second whilst, in the other match, the score ended 2-2 and the Korries were through. The crowd, and Greece, went home. Not with a bang, but a whimper.

Goals: 77
Red Cards: 11

Day 13: Unlucky for Some

This is England v Slovenia
Them Damn Yankies v Algeria

D-Day. Or some other crass war metaphor which I'm sure the Daily Scum used in a headline this morning. Hopefully not Dunkirk, however. Milner and Rooney were the only two players not to sing during the national anthem. Good on 'em. It's a dispicable, racist, tub-thumping piece of jingoistic xenophobia from another age that should have been consigned to the dustbin of history a century ago or more. 'Have you got it right, Fabio?' asked Guy Mowbray. Mark Lawrenson, meanwhile, was having a go at his turning his droll-chap act into genuine stand-up. After a particularly rash Glen Johnson tackle, he noted 'you know you're in trouble when Wayne Rooney's telling you to calm down!' He also, seemingly, invented a new phrase, describing something as 'a rinky-dink pass.' He wasn't alone, either. Shearer was also rewriting the dictionary, with 'tufficult!' Personally, I spent the afternoon watching the game at a friend's gaff and we both agreed that England were in serious danger of actually getting it right. Pace, direction, a bit of passion. England were a thousand times better than they were in the last match. They still weren't great, but they played like they actually meant it. Like they wanted it. All of the things, in fact, that the French didn't do last night. They only won 1-0, thanks to a Jermain Defoe goal from a superb James Milner cross and a few flukey defensive moments in their own box. They had a goal disallowed, Rooney hit the post, Gerrard and Lampard (both of whom played as well as they have for England for, probably four years at least) brought good saves out of the impressive Slovenian keeper. Slovenia seldom threatened and, on the two occasions when they did, a combination of Terry, Johnson and Upson (who, in particular, was terrifc) kept them at arms length. In truth, David James never really had a shot worthy of note to save.

So, England - with relative ease - moved into the next round. And, right up until the last minute, it appeared that the Slovenly Slovenians would be joining them. That was, until a last minute goal from Landon Donovan gave America a win which meant they topped the group. The US were on the brink of going out of the competition when Donovan followed up a save from Raid Ouheb M'bolhi during injury time to smash the ball home. Until that moment it had been a story of inspired saves from M'bolhi, poor American finishing and a lineman's error, which denied Clint Eastwood (or someone) a goal in the first half. But Donovan's late intervention delivered a deserved victory, which pushed England into second place in Group C on goals scored. Some people will, of course, be disappointed by that, and with a potential second round tie with der Chermans. But, to be honest, I'm not. I've been a bit too concerned about this 'easy route the the final' nonsense that's been going on. Almost as soon as the draw was made people were out with their slide-rules saying 'all we've got to do is win the group and we avoid X, Y and Z.' As anybody with half-a-brain in their head knows, there's a bit more too it than that. If you want to win the World Cup you've got to play, and beat, the best. England, at least, have the chance to do that. The World Cup, for England, starts here.

Goals: 79
Red Cards: 11

Italy v Solvakia
Paraguay v New Zealand

When it comes to the crunch, it's been my experience that the Italians tend to revert to type. And this was, obviously, no exception. Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war. Hence, they sent for Gattuso, and prepared the trenches! I love Italian football but there really is something very predictable about them when things are not going well. They lose their temper, basically. As Cannavarro Zambrotta and good old Rino went around kicking people Slovakia started to look dangerous. Then they went and took the lead. De Rossi gave the ball away and Marek Hamsik slips a pass through for Robert Vittek on the edge of the Italian box. The striker slid a shot into the corner past Marchetti's despairing dive. Oh corks. What the hell is going on in this World Cup?! At half-time, Andy Townsend (whose turn it was to wear ITV's pink shirt today) described the Itlaians as 'the worst ever defending world champpions.' Hard not to agree with that (although, France were shockingly poor in 2002). Lippi decided to go for Plan B, off went Gattuso - for what may well be the final time in a World Cup match - replaced by Fabio Quagliarella and, at the back, Magio was brought on for Criscito. Soon, Pirlo also entered the arena. A clearly unfit, half-paced Pirlo.

Meanwhile, over in Polokwane, what ITV were calling 'the worst World Cup game ever', Paraguay v New Zealand was attracting almost no attention whatsoever! After fifty minutes the BBC excitedly reported that there'd been a shot on goal. Yeah. I think made the right choice with which match to watch. When Vittek scored a second, with fifteen minutes to go, it was arrivaderchi Roma. When Di Natalae pulled one back with nine minutes left, it was game on. After that, we got what you'd expect, an azure tide crashing against the shores of a Slovakian defence. You had to wonder - as Jim beglin did - why it took Italy this long to start playing. Then, Quagliarella scroed an equaliser that was ruled out for a fractionaly marginal offside. Howard Webb had to break up at least one stroppy handbags-at-ten-paces fight involving the Slovakian keeper. You wonders what was going on in the streets of Turin and Milan and Rome, what was going on in the tiny tavernas of the Amalfi coast and the trattorias of Campagna and Tuscany. It was thrilling stuff. Unlike Paraguay v new Zealand which, apparently, wasn't. And then, two minutes from the end, the young Slovak substitute Kopunek scored with his first touch. And it was one of the goals of the tournament. Magic. Absolutely brilliant. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why we love this game. But wait, it's not over yet, Quagliarella smashed one in fron twenty five yards. Instead of being all over bar the shouting it was all shouting over the bar. Last minute of injury time, a scramble in the box and Pepe, from six yards, missed. Italy dethroned. Ciao.

Paraguay and New Zealand, meanwhile, reminds us that football can be rubbish, too!

Goals: 88
Red Cards: 12

Denmark v Japan
The Netherlands v Cameroon

In a last-minute switch of main matches, BBC1 decided to go with Denmark. Gary Lineker summed up the mathematics involved in the group situation whilst Happy Harry the Hamster merely looked confused and, when asked his opinion of the Italians, muttered some crass monosyllabic platitudes ('they'll be gutted, Gary. Cos, you know, they're, like, proud, you know?') I decided, therefore, to try BBC3 for a while. after all, they were featuring my favourite international teams, the Dutch. Unfortunately, flicking over, I was presented with the horroshow of Mark Bright and Garth Crooks, not even given a BBC chair to sit on but forced to stand whilst they dibbled a load of stuff and nonsense about 'quality' and 'commitment.' 'The Dutch haven't impressed, yet,' said Bright. And, neither have you, you depressing inarticulate non-entity. Switch. Back to the Danes and Japan, then. And, it looked almost immediately like I made the right choice. Japan were simply sensational in the first half. True the Danes looked slow, and ponderous and as thought it was they that only needed a draw to progress rather than their opponents. but that should take nothing away from Japan was scored two brilliant goals - both direct from free-kicks - and could have had a shedload more. It was a performance that had the panel purring at half time. And, if you've never heard Alan Shearer purr, it's really quite an experience.

Meanwhile, the Dutch had taken the lead against Cameron (Van Persie) and Kuyt had missed half-a-dozen sitters. So, no change there, then. 'Robin van Persie has scored for the Netherlands - and now Denmark need the same from his Arsenal team-mate Nicklas Bendtner. Is he out there though? I haven't seen him all game,' noted Martin Keown. At half-time, the BBC showed a trailer for Saturday's Doctor Who season finale. 'Big weekend of telly,' noted Gary. I turned over to BBC3 and Mark Bright was spewing diarrhoea and Crooks was looking pissed off that he couldn't get a word in edgeways. Back to BBC1. Switch. God bless whomsoever invented the remote control.

Second-half. Thomas Sorenson, who I've always considered to be a pretty good goalkeeper, was having a right 'mare. Almost presented Japan with a third. A highlight of the second-half, in which a knackerless Denmark never looked remotely threatening, was Keown making a bid of the World Cup's single most tasteless comment: 'It's going to be an aerial bombardment now.' Well done, Martin. Over in Cape Town the Macaroons got a penalty and Eto'o scored. The Dutch looked ... mildly erked. Rigobert Song, with dyed-blond hair and beard that Mark Lawrenson thought made him 'look like King Neptune,' came on as substitute. Back to Denmark and, finally, ten minutes from the end, they were awarded a penalty. Jon Dahl Tomasson, still needing one goal to equal the Danish international goalscoring record (as he has done for eighteen months since the last time he scored an international goal) stepped up and hit a weak shot which Kawashimsa saved. The rebound came back to Tomasson who, somehow manged to bundle the ball into the net and injure himself at the same time. It's been that sort of tournament for poor old Jon. Meanwhile, the Dutch had taken the lead again (Huntelaar). Three minutes from the end, the very impressive Honda set up Okazaki for a third for the Japanese. Entirely deserved too. And that's the way it finished in both matches. Seven goals, lots of skill. There are worse ways to spend an evening.

Goals: 95
Red Cards: 12

You-Ess-Ay v Ghana

Well, I'll be honest, I missed all of the build up and, indeed, about the first quarter of an hour of this. Judging by the looks on the faces of Bill Clinton and Mick Jagger in the crowd (I'm not making this up, honest!) I didn't miss much. But then, by that time Ghana had only bleedin' went and scored, didn't they? Ricardo Clark lost the ball on the halfway line and Kevin-Prince Boateng raced through, seeing off Jay DeMerit and getting to the edge of the box where he slammed a low left-foot shot into the bottom corner. Yesh! What a start for the Africans. The rest of the half was crap. Half-time was boring. Is Kevin Keegan ever going to say anything interesting ever again. Don't get me wrong, I've never been happier than when he was managing my club (first time around, anyway). But, he's not a pundit, these days, he's a walking hairdo. Mind you, he's still a million times preferable to Southgate who could bore for England, Great Britain, Europe, the Commonwealth and, indeed, the world.

The Goddamn Yankies circled the wagons, got off their horse, drank their milk and equalised - Donovan scoring from a penalty after Clint Eastwood (or someone) had been brought down. After that ... not much happened really and so, for the first time in the 2010 World Cup (but, not I'm suspecting, the last) we went to extra time. And, suddenly, it was all Ghana again. A long ball from the back from Andre Ayew saw big hard Gyan battling with Carlos Bocanegra and despite a little push from the defender, he kept his composure to smash a left-foot shot past Tim Howard from the edge of the box. Given that a recent, former, President of their opponents seemed to believe that Africa was a country rather than a continent, you could probably tell which way most of the local support was leaning. The second half of extra was, actually, something of a non event. Two tired teams looking like a pair of prize fighters missing with every punch in the final round. There was some keeper-up-the-pitch shenanigans in the last minute but Ghana had enough and held on. 'Bye, bye, big American sigh' said Peter Drury with comic timing I wouldn't have given him credit for.

Goals: 104
Red Cards: 13

Argentina v Mexico

Oh God, do we really need Jurgen Klinnsman bending over backwards to be magnanimous?! Mind you, for not letting Garth Crooks get a word in edgeways he should probably be awarded with a medal of some description. Ah well, it not the end of the world. End of the World Cup for some, maybe, but not the end of the world ... Steve Wilson kicked off coverage of this one with the worst pun of his career. 'Ein, zwei, drei, vier, thumped.' Okay, I smirked, briefly, I'll give you that one, Stevie.

Resisting the urge to watch Top Gear instead of this match (I recorded it for later) and chose to stick with the footie. And I'm really glad I did. Mexico almost scored twice in the opening ten minutes, including an amazing moment when Carlos Salcido hit the bar from distance. Then, to match the earlier controversy in the England game, we got some controversy here too. Lionel Messi put Tevez clear but Mexico keeper Oscar Perez came out and got their first. The ball came back to Messi, who chipped it goalwards but Tevez, who was miles offside, headed it in. despite Mexican protests the goal was given but then the referee conferred with his assistant as the incident had eben replayed on the huge screens at Soccer City Stadium and they both clearly saw that they'd got it wrong. However, the refused to change their minds and the goal stood. Are you watching Mr Blatter? Straight from the restart, Mexico's Rafael Marquez becomes the first man into referee Rosetti's book after catching Messi, the Mexicans clearly having a massive tortilla chip on their collective shoulder over the goal. Then, Ricardo Osorio had a complete nightmare passing a loose ball across defence without looking, and promptly played in Gonzalo Higuain, who couldn't believe his luck and rounded the keeper before slotting home.

At half-time we got a further impassioned plea for the use of technology from Alan Hansen before the incredible sight of a bunch of England players, clearly in denial, talking about having' dominated' the first twenty minutes of their game. Were playing in the same match we were watching?

Meanwhile, back in J'burg, we'd seen the first half end with a right bit of rive-on and, amazingly, Maradona trying to act as peacemaker between two very stroppy sets of players and the potential for kids getting sparked an all sorts. It was quite a sight. In the second half, Tevez got another - a beauty. No argument about that one. Mexico did pull one back with twenty minutes left - another cracker from Javier Hernandez - but I missed that one. I'd gone to Top Gear for a few moments. Well, hippies and Communists hate it so it must be doing something right. Messi almost added a fourth in the final moments but Perez made a fine save. So, it's the Argies and Ze Chermans in the quarters. Again.

Goals: 116
Red Cards: 13

Brazil v Chile

After three successive matches on the BBC one forgets just how crass, bland and rubbish ITV's coverage has been at this World Cup. Chiles ranted a bit about England like a spoiled child and then opened the discussion up to the panel. Well, to Townsend and Southgate as Desailly looked about as interesetd as a very disintered thing. Andy Townsend doesn't half talk some ¤¤¤¤e at times. He went into a lengthy rant about how the players were blameless and it was all the manager's fault. It was, then, genuinely lovely to see him getting slapped down with a bit of Southgate logic. 'We failed to qualify for the European Championships, everybody blames McLaren. He gets the sack, goes off and manages PSV to the championship in Holland. Now, the same players have gone out of this World Cup and you're talking about blaming Capello, somebody who's won everything there is to win.' Yes! Yes, Gareth Southgate! Testify, brother.

We went to the stadium where Tyldesley informed us that Howard Webb and his team were taking chareg of their third game at the tournament and that hey seemed to be highly thought of within FIFA. 'England might get to the final yet,' he concluded as though that's supposed to make us feel proud, or something. Haven't we suffered enough already, Clive. And then there was the game. Hyped up as the potential match of the cup so far, the first half hour was dull and flat and produced not much, frankly. Then, typically, just as I was on the verge of giving up on it and switching over to Tiem Team, Brazil scored twice in five minutes; a header by Juan from a corner and a Luis Fabiano goal after a swift bit of counter-attacking by Kaka and Robinho. So much for 'Dunga's dull Brazil'!

Is it just me or are the trails for James Corden's thing getting more and more pleading? 'Yeah, England are gone but we've got Ruth Jones on!' Thanks for the warning, fat boy.

Anyway, second-half, Brazil strutted around like the owned the gaff and you sensed they could score whenever they fancied it. Robinho added a third after a mazy run from the impressive Ramires. Thereafter it was just a case of did Chile fancy battling to keep it at three. They did, and good on 'em for that. By the end, the television director was reduced to showing us pictures of pretty Brazilian female fans celebrating around Ellis Park. Don't they ever get tired of that?

No. of course they don't. Beat out the Samba rhythm in Rio, football's coming home.

Goals: 122
Red Cards: 13

Spain v Portugal

The second match should've been more appealing - two quality sides, one of which I really like, the other whom I loathe like something I have to scrape off the soul of my shoe with a stick. The BBC did their best, bringing in Klinsmann to be entertaining and getting Seedorf to do another one of his reportage pieces (this one a rather tenuous one comparing the match to The Rumble In The Jungle). But, it all started to go wrong the second Colin Murray and his irritating voice interviewed Shearer and Alan did take the chance to elbow him in the face. Missed opportunity there, Big'un. But the game started like neither side particularly wanted to go for it and the first fifteen minutes was almost as slow as the earlier game. More skill, obviously. But, little to get thrilled about. 'Ronaldo cut a dejected figure at the end of that awful game against Brazil,' according to Jonny Pearce. Any chance of an encore tonight? Please? You know, if Puyol could still run more than five yards without looking knackered, like he used to, he'd be the perfect defender! Spain's problem, frankly, was most of the players you'd really want to be top of their game in a match like this - Iniesta, Torres, Villa, Xavi - just looked a bit off the pace. Or, in Torres case, a LOT off the pace.

Half-time was mostly taken up with - yet another - discussion on technology. Klinnsman was thoughtful and articulate, so was Seedorf. Hansen grunted a few times and said 'unbelieavable'! The second-half began with Portugal - by a distance - the more likely to score. Then came the moment that changed the game. del Bosque took off the very ineffective Torres and brought on Llorente whilst, at exactly the same moment, Carlos Queiroz inexplicably swapped the impressive, dangerous Almeida for Danny. Within minutes, Spain had three great chances, David Villa taking the third of them. The scowling look on Ronaldo's face as he jesticulated towards the bench asking for suggestions on what they do now was one of the 2010 World Cup's most satisfying moments. Queiroz tried a couple of further substitutions. '"I can only think that those changes are to try and get more service to Cristiano Ronaldo, because he hasn't had the ball at all,' noted Lawro. After that, the last twenty minutes were terrific, end to end stuff with chances at either end, a red card for Costa for what looked to be a nothing incident with Capdevila. And, there was the delicious sight of Ronaldo limping for no obvious reason and looking sorry for himself. Ah. Shame. Spain had, certainly, been the better side over all but, on this evidence, they're not world beaters and, more worryingly, their supposed 'best' team isn't, actually, looking like their best team. It ended with a bit of sour feeling bubbling beneath the surface.

Goals: 123
Red Cards: 14

Day 22

Two days of hell passed in the wilderness. And then ...

The Netherlands vs Brazil

ITV started their coverage with the wholly expected 'Pele n Cruyff montage' before Andy Townsend started talking and I switched over, quickly, to the women's cricket on Sky Sports until he'd stopped. 'Oranges and lemons,' noted Peter Drury in a rather sweeping and grandiose scene-setting piece in which he noted 'a game, not for hard facts but for the imagination.' Well, hopefully. I had a feeling beforehand that this was either going to be the game of the tournament or the biggest single disappointment. There would be, you felt, little or middle ground. And, that's how it proved. The first half was fabulous - or, at least, the Brazilians were. The Dutch simply never got going. Van Persie was anonymous. Sneijder was anonymous. Everything went through Robben who, it seemed, has chosen today for his worst game in a good couple of years. By contrast, when the blue shirts swept forward, you sensed that danger could come from anywhere. It took them ten minutes to find a **** in the Dutch armour. Melo's pass found Robinho who, unchallenged, ran through to score. After that, it was all Brazil, the only black moment for them coming when Dunga's unhappiness at Michel Bastos getting a yellow card caused him to give his dugout a damned good fisting. Total football? Yeah. it was. The Dutch were being outplayed. Totally. If ever they needed van Marwijk to get out a big stick and start whacking some egos at half-time, today was that day. And then, out of absolutely nothing, the Dutch equalised. I didn't see that one coming - and neither, it would seem, did Julio Cesar! Wesley Sneijder curled over a left-footed cross from the Dutch right and Cesar, usually so reliable, came for it, flapped at it and the ball clipped the top of Felipe Melo's head before creeping into the corner. Game. As they say. On. Interestingly, just before the goal, Brazil should probably have been down to ten men as Bastos yet again kicked Robben up aheight having already been booked. The - other very impressive - Japanese referee, however, gave him the benefit of the doubt, much to Van Persie's obvious chagrin.

Brazil has bossed the game for just about the whole of the first fifty five minute but, suddenly, they found themselves behind. Robben sent over a corner from the right, Dirk Kuyt flicked it on at the near post and there was Wesley Sneijder at the back to head ut into the corner. Incredible. Unbelievable. Spirit of '74. Get yer Ajax and yer Wims out for the lads. Suddenly, less welcome reminders of that match at Dortmund in '74 were dragged to the forefront again when Felipe Melo had a mad Luis Pereira-moment and stamped on Robben for no obvious reason. A headstrong fragment of stupidity that earned him a deserved straight red card. Forget any idea about this being a disappointment, this was, indeed, the match of the tournament, by miles. Brazil threw caution to the wind and bravely mounted wave after wave of attacks with the Dutch sitting back but breaking intelligently with pace. it was thrilling stuff. The sort of final that we always hope for but never get. As the Dutch took control of the midfield, Brazil lost their shape and, with it, some of their composure although you always sensed they were good enough to go down the other end and score if they could only keep their heads. Van Persie went off five minutes from the end and, this time, didn't throw his dummy out of the pram. In the last five minutes nails were bitten, emotions tested, last-ditch tackles made. Jeez, if only the World Cup was always like this.

It's an Oranj world tonight! And a little boy who fell in love with Dutch football in 1974 could not, possibly, be happier.

Goals: 126
Red Cards: 15