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alun2005
27 Apr 17 15:23
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Date Joined: 11 Jan 02
| Topic/replies: 38,748 | Blogger: alun2005's blog
… …as the One-Table Crucible Arena?

The stage immaculately set, not a speck of dust visible (even to infra-red examination), the table perfectly set up, the baize meticulously pressed and vacuum cleaned.

What an arena for the gladiators to display their mighty skills.

The only problem, as ever, are the sub-prime members of the public being allowed inside to soil this spectacle, with their coughs, crisps, boiled sweets, cheese sandwiches, pork pies, mobile phones, frame-ball claps and unlovely clothing.  Every last one of them breaking wind violently at will and with complete impunity, thanks to the presence Human Rights Chancer Lawyers skulking menacingly at each entry point.

Worse still the world's media are given carte blanche to crack their unamusing jokes, which the sheep-like compliant audience (masquerading as a 'knowledgable' crowd) feel compelled to listen to via their high-fashion earphones, laughing sycophantically at inconvenient moments in play.

There's a simple solution to this of course. Zero attendance inside the Crucible apart from the players and one referee. At the end of each scheduled session, a simple 5 second statement of the score should be read out at the main entrance, which can then be communicated in the streets by the millions properly locked out. 

Come on Barry. make this long-overdue change for 2018 and beyond. Better still impose a 20 mile exclusion zone around Sheffield for anyone apart from players and officials. Let's for once cherish and preserve something clean and pure.
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Report jed.davison April 27, 2017 4:29 PM BST
Laugh
Report wisewords April 27, 2017 4:37 PM BST
LaughLaughLaugh you've absolutely lost the plot this time, alun.
Report peckerdunne April 27, 2017 4:46 PM BST
Fan parks here we come...........

Widescreen off course...................Laugh
Report alun2005 April 27, 2017 4:49 PM BST
you've absolutely lost the plot this time, alun.


You're not wrong !!

I meant to type "Is" instead of "is" in the title line of this thread. I apologise to all for that inexplicable typing error in 'The Case of The Missing Capital Letter'.

Crucible Akbar !!
Report wisewords April 27, 2017 5:02 PM BST
I'm very happy you could hold your hands up and admit your careless error in the creation of this thread. You're the bigger man for it and the masses will surely accept your heartfelt apology for this careless mistake of the "typo" variety.

Back to the matter at hand; I believe that a 20 mile exclusion zone around Sheffield is a splendid idea. The only concern I have is do we have the man power to sustain this effort for the full 17 day duration of these prestigious Championships? Our saviour Mr. Hearn will have to draft in extra drones from his darts division to beef up security or I fear a mass invasion during the mid session interval!!!!!!!

I hope you will take my concerns seriously and give them due consideration.
Report peckerdunne April 27, 2017 5:08 PM BST
Grin
Report alun2005 April 27, 2017 5:08 PM BST
I think when the United Nations reads my proposal, they will move heaven and earth to bring peace-keepers (all ideally armed with high powered rifles and a 'shoot to kill' mentality) to Sheffield to maintain the paradise that is Crucible Sheffield.
Report wisewords April 27, 2017 5:16 PM BST
This is flawed thinking my dear alun. With BREXIT on the horizon, I'll be damned if any foreigners will be setting foot on these shores to gratify our grubby little snooker traditions. It will be the darts heavies or as a last gasp option we could try to hire the bouncers from "The Sugarhut" in Essex to beef up security. Also, high powered rifles would never get through security & customs at Gatwick. THINK Alun! Get your head out of your arse and report back with some realistic proposals or you'll find that this matter will have to be referred to The Court of Arbitration for Sport!
Report alun2005 April 27, 2017 5:22 PM BST
Ah, well, it looks like the Trusty Yeomen of Darts and the Doormen of Essex will have to man the barricades. A mere two dozen of those fragrant gentlemen should comfortably handle any aggro that comes their way.

We want a hermetically-sealed World Snooker Championship finale that we can ALL be proud of. Let;s show North Korea how it should be done.

One-Table Arena Akbar !!
Report wisewords April 27, 2017 5:34 PM BST
That's the spirit!

An open top bus tour awaits the victor, traipsing his glistening trophy around the streets of working class towns all across the North of England. Hallelujah.
Report moondan April 27, 2017 6:58 PM BST
The only thing that is missing in Sheffield is a giant Statue of Hendry,  with Ronnie, John, and Mark seated on the steps below looking up at the great man.
Pinned to the plinth below his feet should be a list of his seven titles and the dates when the public can come and see both that font of verbal rubbish Steve Davis and his Parrot do their monthly chore of polishing the mighty one.Cool
Report peckerdunne April 27, 2017 7:20 PM BST
Wise you were going so well till the mention of working class towns in the north of England.

I do of course vaguely remember them and old men will have little kids on their knees telling stories of the good life and how the good days used to be before the burning Thatcher effigies.
Report ccd April 28, 2017 2:51 AM BST
"I believe that a 20 mile exclusion zone? What better city to construct a mighty Trump-style 'ring of steel' than Sheffield. A capital idea.

I even think the referees can be dispensed with - Hawkeye can be programmed with Silicon Valleys most powerful AI package and the voice of John Street to deliver flawless verdicts. The less grubby human inteference the better. Only 'snooker Christ' Sir Rob Walker would be permitted entry to the arena to perform his sacred ministry.

The final session should be played with ivory balls painstakingly forged by hand from the teeth of dead legends.
Report alun2005 April 28, 2017 12:10 PM BST
How could I have forgotten Rob and Old Trusty !!

Well done CCD for reminding me.

I will need to report to Mistress Michaela now for a bl00dy good hiding for advancing such a half-baked set of proposals.
Report Blackrock April 28, 2017 3:09 PM BST
Michaela LoveLove
Report alun2005 May 2, 2019 11:20 AM BST
The Year 2019 has arrived.

Let's hope my suggestions, originally advanced on this thread in 2017 will finally reach fruition in 2019.

Let this finally be Year Zero.  Snooker deserves it. May Rob W finally deliver his introductions from the corridor outside the EMPTY arena.
Report wondersobright May 2, 2019 11:46 AM BST
The only problem, as ever, are the sub-prime members of the public being allowed inside to soil this spectacle, with their coughs, crisps, boiled sweets, cheese sandwiches, pork pies, mobile phones, frame-ball claps and unlovely clothing.  Every last one of them breaking wind violently at will and with complete impunity

Laugh brilliant
Report alun2005 May 2, 2019 1:07 PM BST
Alas every decent person's dream dies for another year.

Just saw the place, full of the unwashed, every last one of them chewing some cheap snack (which we can only hope was full of bacteria) and I distinctly heard SIX separate people break wind unashamedly, to a resounding chorus of happy laughter.

The entire venue needs to be fumigated ASAP before the eternally fragrant Sir Robert Walker arrives to deliver his tedious introductions.
Report alun2005 May 2, 2019 1:19 PM BST
It's pretty clear by now that the "knowledgeable Crucible audience" have been handpicked, as part of a psychological experiment that not even North Korea, or Pol Pot/Ted Lowe would have dared attempt.

They have possibly been brainwashed to clap like demented seals whenever they hear these trigger words : Rob. Walker. John, Higgins.

Nothing else can explain their ridiculous behaviour.
Report alun2005 February 28, 2020 3:29 PM GMT
The Lord works in a mysterious way. There might just be a solution to this problem in Sheffield in April.

If this Coronavirus takes out the sub-prime denizens who pollute The Crucible every year with their incessant coughing, guzzling, sweet/crips wrapper rustling, and foul violent wind-breaking, it would surely be a small price to pay for the global pandemic.
Report wisewords February 28, 2020 4:33 PM GMT
a snooker world championships played in silence?
Report alun2005 February 28, 2020 4:56 PM GMT
Something I've been dreaming about since 1977.

The spotless baize, the near-silent auditorium, the elegant cue-men in immaculately tailored attire, the click of canoning snooker b@ll$, the white gloved referee unobtrusively managing the occasion.  The air happily free of the putrid aroma of bodily eructations.

What's not to like WW ?
Report wisewords February 28, 2020 5:18 PM GMT
If only they had robot cameramen, eh?
Report alun2005 February 28, 2020 5:26 PM GMT
That's GOT to be the global priority tech project of 2020. Never mind cars that drive themselves.
Report wisewords February 28, 2020 6:23 PM GMT
what about the referee?
Report alun2005 February 28, 2020 9:09 PM GMT
He can use sign language to call the score, or update an electronic scoreboard with a hand-held device a bit like at the tennis.

That superb innovation will also open up the refereeing jobs to people who don't have the power of speech.  Every player will have to learn sign language to communicate with them , but that's a small price to pay.
Report wisewords February 28, 2020 10:02 PM GMT
When are you implementing all these changes then alun? Has Barry accepted your takeover offer?
Report alun2005 February 28, 2020 10:10 PM GMT
Hopefully this will take all place in 2021. There will be no introductions from Rob W, and less still any BBC panel of pundits or commentators. 

I've already had most of the changes nodded through.

The final piece in the jigsaw will be for South Yorkshire Police to impose a 50 mid radius ring of steel so that no-one whatsoever can enter the environs from the outside. That might possibly be a red-line issue for some councillors but fingers crossed people will see sense, and we can have a renewal we can all be proud of.
Report wisewords February 28, 2020 10:33 PM GMT
How will that be paid for? tax payers money? or from the bank of alun2005?
Report alun2005 February 28, 2020 10:45 PM GMT
I'd like to think that the discerning local taxpayer would be proud to stump up the extra money on the rates.

Any shortfall will be achieved by means of Crowdfunding. We'll basically put out an appeal to raise money for "Trans Female" (i.e.male) 'entertainers' to be allowed to visit schools and do strip shows. This will get lefty "progressives" stumping up the cash in the millions, which we'll quietly divert in into the snooker project.
Report alun2005 February 28, 2020 10:45 PM GMT
Sadly my 'LAYING THE VENTURA" horses project ended in ignominious failure.
Report wisewords February 28, 2020 10:49 PM GMT
alun is it true that you've been considering running for Mayor of London at the next election?
Report alun2005 February 28, 2020 10:51 PM GMT
Depends.  I will probably need to convert to The Religion of Peace if I want the job.
Report wisewords February 28, 2020 10:55 PM GMT
Better to stick to world snooker takeover plan instead?  Perhaps you can move the Crucible to Beijing by 2030 for a better government funding package
Report alun2005 February 28, 2020 10:58 PM GMT
China will be reduced to mud houses by the time the Coronavirus has finished with them. Will have to be North Korea instead. That population will co-operate under socialism, to paraphrase Corbyn.
Report wisewords February 28, 2020 11:00 PM GMT
WOAHHHH JEREMY CORBYN!
Report peckerdunne February 28, 2020 11:34 PM GMT
It must be a leap year............
Report alun2005 August 11, 2020 11:16 PM BST
We are one short hour or so before the day finally dawns on a dream that has been in the making for 43 long years.

I’m sure that ALL of us who have watched World Championship Snooker at The Crucible since 1977 have longed for that day when the Inner Sanctum, the One Table Pristine Paradise is no longer sullied by the sub-prime occupants of the seating, inexplicably described by some as the “knowledgeable Crucible audience”.

It has taken a Global Pandemic to achieve the shut-out, but at times like these the nation must take our pleasures where we can.

Let’s hope Snooker’s authorities will FINALLY see the wholesale benefits of keeping out the feckless eructators, the crisp-packet rustlers, the past-the-Use-By-date pork pie scoffers, those incapable of switching off mobile phones, the coughing clots, and worst of all, the utterly feral, flatulent wind-breaking specialists, As we all know, this latter body actually have competitions and bets amongst themselves during play as to who can produce the most foul stenches and violently loud unapologetic emissions. All followed naturally by loud shameless laughter, all designed to test the patience of even the most saintly referee.

Let Wednesday August 12th 2020 be the day that the world finally decided to fight back. Let the only sound be that of Maitresse Tatiana or Desi announcing the scores. As for Rob W, let him be confined to a corridor backstage to perform his tedious announcements.

2020 must be Year Zero. Pol Pot (and his alter ego Ted Lowe) would surely approve.
Report BornToWin August 14, 2020 11:10 PM BST
I don't even need to read your post Alun to know that I wholesomely agree. But I did, for therapeutic value.
Report alun2005 April 17, 2021 9:48 AM BST
The Dream is sadly over, as I am told that a select number of "patrons" are being allowed to re-enter the laboratory-clean Crucible for the 2021 renewal.

To describe them as "patrons" dignifies them of course. The expression "crisp packet rustling, stale pork pie chomping, violently flatulent, malodorous, coughing sub-prime oxygen thieves" would on reflection seem more appropriate. The sort of individuals who would of course have been taking bets amongst themselves about who could eructate the loudest at Prince Phillip's funeral, had they been invited.

Surely the custodians of the game will at least arm the stewards and security staff with automatic weapons as some form of deterrent against the polluting of the Crucible? I'm sure that all long-suffering true fans of the sport would welcome that long-overdue initiative.
Report CCD. April 23, 2021 4:15 PM BST
At last some common sense on the way forward for the game. I, for one, would like to see the sacred Crucible Theatre Sheffield transported brick by brick and painstakingly rebuilt within the international space station. Players and officials could be translated there annually via a special Elon Musk shuttle service. Surely only the vast plenum of space can protect the pristine integrity of the event from the grubby, flatulant snack-fiddlers you rightly castigate Alun?
Report casemoney April 23, 2021 4:35 PM BST
Hi Alun

Any thoughts in a decade or so ,the Audience full of Vegans gaff will be full of Gas and trumpeters .
Report casemoney April 23, 2021 4:37 PM BST
Imagine some down on the Black for a 147 and a screecher is let rip Shocked
Report CCD. April 23, 2021 7:53 PM BST
Have to give World Snooker some credit this year, forcing the crucibalites to wear masks to ensure they are rconstantky reminded that their voices should not be heard.
Report alun2005 April 25, 2021 10:06 AM BST
The Crucible had ANOTHER day of shame on Friday. The referee not only had to warn umpteen people about mobile phones, which were loud and persistent, but also made specific reference to stop "rustling your sweet wrappers". I noted that even one of the commentators said that the ref's words would be 'music to the ears of the players'.

The masks also of course perform one other vital duty. They help the handful of decent patrons from having to sit through the malodourous stench that pervades the sacred Crucible from the persistent, unfettered and shameless flatulence of the vast majority.
Report alun2005 April 25, 2021 12:44 PM BST
Having said that about the masks, having seen most of the examples being worn by the "patrons" in the arena this morning, it's fairly clear that they have been hastily assembled. Those particular 'masks' resemble nothing more than a pair of their unmarried grandmother's panties (probably unwashed) with a string tied to the sides. Most unseemly.
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