Snooker
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… …as the One-Table Crucible Arena?
The stage immaculately set, not a speck of dust visible (even to infra-red examination), the table perfectly set up, the baize meticulously pressed and vacuum cleaned.
What an arena for the gladiators to display their mighty skills.
The only problem, as ever, are the sub-prime members of the public being allowed inside to soil this spectacle, with their coughs, crisps, boiled sweets, cheese sandwiches, pork pies, mobile phones, frame-ball claps and unlovely clothing. Every last one of them breaking wind violently at will and with complete impunity, thanks to the presence Human Rights Chancer Lawyers skulking menacingly at each entry point.
Worse still the world's media are given carte blanche to crack their unamusing jokes, which the sheep-like compliant audience (masquerading as a 'knowledgable' crowd) feel compelled to listen to via their high-fashion earphones, laughing sycophantically at inconvenient moments in play.
There's a simple solution to this of course. Zero attendance inside the Crucible apart from the players and one referee. At the end of each scheduled session, a simple 5 second statement of the score should be read out at the main entrance, which can then be communicated in the streets by the millions properly locked out.
Come on Barry. make this long-overdue change for 2018 and beyond. Better still impose a 20 mile exclusion zone around Sheffield for anyone apart from players and officials. Let's for once cherish and preserve something clean and pure.
The stage immaculately set, not a speck of dust visible (even to infra-red examination), the table perfectly set up, the baize meticulously pressed and vacuum cleaned.
What an arena for the gladiators to display their mighty skills.
The only problem, as ever, are the sub-prime members of the public being allowed inside to soil this spectacle, with their coughs, crisps, boiled sweets, cheese sandwiches, pork pies, mobile phones, frame-ball claps and unlovely clothing. Every last one of them breaking wind violently at will and with complete impunity, thanks to the presence Human Rights Chancer Lawyers skulking menacingly at each entry point.
Worse still the world's media are given carte blanche to crack their unamusing jokes, which the sheep-like compliant audience (masquerading as a 'knowledgable' crowd) feel compelled to listen to via their high-fashion earphones, laughing sycophantically at inconvenient moments in play.
There's a simple solution to this of course. Zero attendance inside the Crucible apart from the players and one referee. At the end of each scheduled session, a simple 5 second statement of the score should be read out at the main entrance, which can then be communicated in the streets by the millions properly locked out.
Come on Barry. make this long-overdue change for 2018 and beyond. Better still impose a 20 mile exclusion zone around Sheffield for anyone apart from players and officials. Let's for once cherish and preserve something clean and pure.
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you've absolutely lost the plot this time, alun. |
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Fan parks here we come...........
Widescreen off course................... |
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you've absolutely lost the plot this time, alun.
You're not wrong !! I meant to type "Is" instead of "is" in the title line of this thread. I apologise to all for that inexplicable typing error in 'The Case of The Missing Capital Letter'. Crucible Akbar !! |
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I'm very happy you could hold your hands up and admit your careless error in the creation of this thread. You're the bigger man for it and the masses will surely accept your heartfelt apology for this careless mistake of the "typo" variety.
Back to the matter at hand; I believe that a 20 mile exclusion zone around Sheffield is a splendid idea. The only concern I have is do we have the man power to sustain this effort for the full 17 day duration of these prestigious Championships? Our saviour Mr. Hearn will have to draft in extra drones from his darts division to beef up security or I fear a mass invasion during the mid session interval!!!!!!! I hope you will take my concerns seriously and give them due consideration. |
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I think when the United Nations reads my proposal, they will move heaven and earth to bring peace-keepers (all ideally armed with high powered rifles and a 'shoot to kill' mentality) to Sheffield to maintain the paradise that is Crucible Sheffield.
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This is flawed thinking my dear alun. With BREXIT on the horizon, I'll be damned if any foreigners will be setting foot on these shores to gratify our grubby little snooker traditions. It will be the darts heavies or as a last gasp option we could try to hire the bouncers from "The Sugarhut" in Essex to beef up security. Also, high powered rifles would never get through security & customs at Gatwick. THINK Alun! Get your head out of your arse and report back with some realistic proposals or you'll find that this matter will have to be referred to The Court of Arbitration for Sport!
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Ah, well, it looks like the Trusty Yeomen of Darts and the Doormen of Essex will have to man the barricades. A mere two dozen of those fragrant gentlemen should comfortably handle any aggro that comes their way.
We want a hermetically-sealed World Snooker Championship finale that we can ALL be proud of. Let;s show North Korea how it should be done. One-Table Arena Akbar !! |
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That's the spirit!
An open top bus tour awaits the victor, traipsing his glistening trophy around the streets of working class towns all across the North of England. Hallelujah. |
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The only thing that is missing in Sheffield is a giant Statue of Hendry, with Ronnie, John, and Mark seated on the steps below looking up at the great man.
Pinned to the plinth below his feet should be a list of his seven titles and the dates when the public can come and see both that font of verbal rubbish Steve Davis and his Parrot do their monthly chore of polishing the mighty one.  |
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Wise you were going so well till the mention of working class towns in the north of England.
I do of course vaguely remember them and old men will have little kids on their knees telling stories of the good life and how the good days used to be before the burning Thatcher effigies. |
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"I believe that a 20 mile exclusion zone? What better city to construct a mighty Trump-style 'ring of steel' than Sheffield. A capital idea.
I even think the referees can be dispensed with - Hawkeye can be programmed with Silicon Valleys most powerful AI package and the voice of John Street to deliver flawless verdicts. The less grubby human inteference the better. Only 'snooker Christ' Sir Rob Walker would be permitted entry to the arena to perform his sacred ministry. The final session should be played with ivory balls painstakingly forged by hand from the teeth of dead legends. |
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How could I have forgotten Rob and Old Trusty !!
Well done CCD for reminding me. I will need to report to Mistress Michaela now for a bl00dy good hiding for advancing such a half-baked set of proposals. |
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Michaela
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The Year 2019 has arrived.
Let's hope my suggestions, originally advanced on this thread in 2017 will finally reach fruition in 2019. Let this finally be Year Zero. Snooker deserves it. May Rob W finally deliver his introductions from the corridor outside the EMPTY arena. |
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The only problem, as ever, are the sub-prime members of the public being allowed inside to soil this spectacle, with their coughs, crisps, boiled sweets, cheese sandwiches, pork pies, mobile phones, frame-ball claps and unlovely clothing. Every last one of them breaking wind violently at will and with complete impunity
brilliant |
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Alas every decent person's dream dies for another year.
Just saw the place, full of the unwashed, every last one of them chewing some cheap snack (which we can only hope was full of bacteria) and I distinctly heard SIX separate people break wind unashamedly, to a resounding chorus of happy laughter. The entire venue needs to be fumigated ASAP before the eternally fragrant Sir Robert Walker arrives to deliver his tedious introductions. |
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It's pretty clear by now that the "knowledgeable Crucible audience" have been handpicked, as part of a psychological experiment that not even North Korea, or Pol Pot/Ted Lowe would have dared attempt.
They have possibly been brainwashed to clap like demented seals whenever they hear these trigger words : Rob. Walker. John, Higgins. Nothing else can explain their ridiculous behaviour. |
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The Lord works in a mysterious way. There might just be a solution to this problem in Sheffield in April.
If this Coronavirus takes out the sub-prime denizens who pollute The Crucible every year with their incessant coughing, guzzling, sweet/crips wrapper rustling, and foul violent wind-breaking, it would surely be a small price to pay for the global pandemic. |
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a snooker world championships played in silence?
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Something I've been dreaming about since 1977.
The spotless baize, the near-silent auditorium, the elegant cue-men in immaculately tailored attire, the click of canoning snooker b@ll$, the white gloved referee unobtrusively managing the occasion. The air happily free of the putrid aroma of bodily eructations. What's not to like WW ? |
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If only they had robot cameramen, eh?
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That's GOT to be the global priority tech project of 2020. Never mind cars that drive themselves.
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what about the referee?
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He can use sign language to call the score, or update an electronic scoreboard with a hand-held device a bit like at the tennis.
That superb innovation will also open up the refereeing jobs to people who don't have the power of speech. Every player will have to learn sign language to communicate with them , but that's a small price to pay. |
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When are you implementing all these changes then alun? Has Barry accepted your takeover offer?
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Hopefully this will take all place in 2021. There will be no introductions from Rob W, and less still any BBC panel of pundits or commentators.
I've already had most of the changes nodded through. The final piece in the jigsaw will be for South Yorkshire Police to impose a 50 mid radius ring of steel so that no-one whatsoever can enter the environs from the outside. That might possibly be a red-line issue for some councillors but fingers crossed people will see sense, and we can have a renewal we can all be proud of. |
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How will that be paid for? tax payers money? or from the bank of alun2005?
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I'd like to think that the discerning local taxpayer would be proud to stump up the extra money on the rates.
Any shortfall will be achieved by means of Crowdfunding. We'll basically put out an appeal to raise money for "Trans Female" (i.e.male) 'entertainers' to be allowed to visit schools and do strip shows. This will get lefty "progressives" stumping up the cash in the millions, which we'll quietly divert in into the snooker project. |
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Sadly my 'LAYING THE VENTURA" horses project ended in ignominious failure.
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alun is it true that you've been considering running for Mayor of London at the next election?
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Depends. I will probably need to convert to The Religion of Peace if I want the job.
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Better to stick to world snooker takeover plan instead? Perhaps you can move the Crucible to Beijing by 2030 for a better government funding package
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China will be reduced to mud houses by the time the Coronavirus has finished with them. Will have to be North Korea instead. That population will co-operate under socialism, to paraphrase Corbyn.
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WOAHHHH JEREMY CORBYN!
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It must be a leap year............
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We are one short hour or so before the day finally dawns on a dream that has been in the making for 43 long years.
I’m sure that ALL of us who have watched World Championship Snooker at The Crucible since 1977 have longed for that day when the Inner Sanctum, the One Table Pristine Paradise is no longer sullied by the sub-prime occupants of the seating, inexplicably described by some as the “knowledgeable Crucible audience”. It has taken a Global Pandemic to achieve the shut-out, but at times like these the nation must take our pleasures where we can. Let’s hope Snooker’s authorities will FINALLY see the wholesale benefits of keeping out the feckless eructators, the crisp-packet rustlers, the past-the-Use-By-date pork pie scoffers, those incapable of switching off mobile phones, the coughing clots, and worst of all, the utterly feral, flatulent wind-breaking specialists, As we all know, this latter body actually have competitions and bets amongst themselves during play as to who can produce the most foul stenches and violently loud unapologetic emissions. All followed naturally by loud shameless laughter, all designed to test the patience of even the most saintly referee. Let Wednesday August 12th 2020 be the day that the world finally decided to fight back. Let the only sound be that of Maitresse Tatiana or Desi announcing the scores. As for Rob W, let him be confined to a corridor backstage to perform his tedious announcements. 2020 must be Year Zero. Pol Pot (and his alter ego Ted Lowe) would surely approve. |
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I don't even need to read your post Alun to know that I wholesomely agree. But I did, for therapeutic value.
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