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any good jokes? need one to sweeten up a lady friend but nothing really long as ill be texting it
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da ever hear the irish song "come back paddy reilly to ballyjames duff " ???
well 2 yanks were on tour over there and they pulled up and asked a anl aul lad where was it ??? -your man said if ya go staright on a take the 1st left ya will know why he never came back
LOL!!!!!!!!!
well 2 yanks were on tour over there and they pulled up and asked a anl aul lad where was it ??? -your man said if ya go staright on a take the 1st left ya will know why he never came back
LOL!!!!!!!!!
Not a joke but funny.
Peter Crouch was asked in a survey... 'if you were not a footballer what would you be?'
He answered.. A Virgin :)
Peter Crouch was asked in a survey... 'if you were not a footballer what would you be?'
He answered.. A Virgin :)
Man has a sex change. His mate asks "Did it hurt when they chopped your d ic k and balls off?"
He replied , " Not as much as when they shrank my brain and widened my gob ".
Not a good one for hewr indoors though :D
He replied , " Not as much as when they shrank my brain and widened my gob ".
Not a good one for hewr indoors though :D
ha ha not sure how that 1 wud go down if i text it toby
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
liverpool fc have turned down an offer tobe shirt sponsored by a well known dogfood company. fans said the thought of the team wearing a shirt with WINALOT!was taking the pis
Little boy see mammy on top of daddy and asks what are you doing....Mum says ...daddy got a big belly so i get on top to try and flatten it ...The boy replies your wasting your time mammy Auntie Jane comes around when your working get on her knees and blows it back up again
A few brave men jokes here
How do you turn a fox into an elephant ?
Marry it.
What are the 3 fastest methods of communication ?
1.Television
2.Telephone
3.Tell a woman
A couple are driving home one night when they run over a badger.They get out and find that it is still breathing but freezing cold.
The wife is all concerned so the husband tells her to put it between her legs to warm it up.
"It's all wet and it stinks" says the wife.
"Well hold the badgers fecking nose then" he says.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant ?
Marry it.
What are the 3 fastest methods of communication ?
1.Television
2.Telephone
3.Tell a woman
A couple are driving home one night when they run over a badger.They get out and find that it is still breathing but freezing cold.
The wife is all concerned so the husband tells her to put it between her legs to warm it up.
"It's all wet and it stinks" says the wife.
"Well hold the badgers fecking nose then" he says.
whats the difference between a fox and a dog?
10 pints
10 pints
Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
He says into the microphone...
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
An Irish voice from the front row screams...
"For the love of God, stop fuggin clapping then"!
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
He says into the microphone...
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
An Irish voice from the front row screams...
"For the love of God, stop fuggin clapping then"!
whats the differance between a hen? one of his legs is both the same.
I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
I went into the other one, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you going?"
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick sh*t...How about yourself?"
The next thing I heard him say was ..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some wh@nker in the sh*tter next to me answering everything I f*cking say."
I went into the other one, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you going?"
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick sh*t...How about yourself?"
The next thing I heard him say was ..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some wh@nker in the sh*tter next to me answering everything I f*cking say."
I pulled an older woman at a club last night.
She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and she
asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter
three-some?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"
She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and she
asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter
three-some?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"
2 fellas on a cruise, Mick says its awful quiet on deck tonight Patrick
Aye Mick says Pat, they will all be watching the group play on deck 3
I didnt know there was any music Pat
Yes Mick did you not hear the announcement Abandon ship
Aye Mick says Pat, they will all be watching the group play on deck 3
I didnt know there was any music Pat
Yes Mick did you not hear the announcement Abandon ship
A midget lady goes to the doctor with a really really itchy and annoyingly irritating tw@t.
When she arrives the doctor asks her to strip off and change into a gown, she completes this and the doctor puts her sitting on the edge of the bed.
From here the doctor puts his head in under the gown and all the lady hears is " snip snip" and a sharp blowing noise.
Next the doctor asks the lady "hows that." She says its a bit better but still a bit itchy.
The doctor goes back in under the gown and repeats the process again," snip snip "and a sharp blow. Again he pops his head up and asks hows it now.
The woman replies with a big smile that it is now much better and tells him she feels no irritation whatsoever.
The woman then proceeds to ask the doctor how he managed to cure her so quickly.
Ahh replies the doctor, i just took alittle bit off the top of your ug boots.
When she arrives the doctor asks her to strip off and change into a gown, she completes this and the doctor puts her sitting on the edge of the bed.
From here the doctor puts his head in under the gown and all the lady hears is " snip snip" and a sharp blowing noise.
Next the doctor asks the lady "hows that." She says its a bit better but still a bit itchy.
The doctor goes back in under the gown and repeats the process again," snip snip "and a sharp blow. Again he pops his head up and asks hows it now.
The woman replies with a big smile that it is now much better and tells him she feels no irritation whatsoever.
The woman then proceeds to ask the doctor how he managed to cure her so quickly.
Ahh replies the doctor, i just took alittle bit off the top of your ug boots.
on old retired seaman is feeling a bit randy so goes out and finds a lady of the night,they go at it and the old fella is riding away and asks how am i doing? the lady replies "your'e doing three knots" the old fella asks what do you mean? she says your'e not hard , your not
in and your not getting your £ back......
in and your not getting your £ back......
Whats the difference between ignorance and empathy?
I don`t know and I don`t care.
I don`t know and I don`t care.
*Billy Connolly Quotes of the Century**
**'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and sex at the same time?'
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with
no legs this morning while at the bus stop.*
*All I asked was "How are you getting on?"
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black
baby.
"Is this yours?" she asked *
*"Probably" said Paddy. "She burns everything else
**'If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and sex at the same time?'
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with
no legs this morning while at the bus stop.*
*All I asked was "How are you getting on?"
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black
baby.
"Is this yours?" she asked *
*"Probably" said Paddy. "She burns everything else
http://www.kerrydalestreet.com/page/Gordon+Strachan+-+Quotes
i met this 23yr old woman the other night, we were getting on really well. As the pub was closing she said to me " how do you fancy coming back to my place for some super sex" i replied " at my age i had better have the soup".
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