Good Joke Thread.

he nose

Serves as a reminder of the Wallsend Wally nearly drowning when sniffing Coke!!

Quixall/ Hibby " Do you suffer with mental health"

Me " Yes but I don't read all your threads "

Quixall " Rico do you still suffer from manboobs like me" ?

Rico " Not since the last time I was fooled by a skirt and a wig tbh... never paid him though tbf..."

Quixall " What hand do you use to wipe your arse "

Hibby " Same as you obviously YSDC "

Quixall " Fair enough but when did you start using paper"?

Quixall " Do you think anybody noticed you went skint ages ago Rico"

Rico " One or two maybe"

Quixall " But even me and Hibby worked out that you don't have a life never mind a portal"?

Rico " Like yourselves, keep repeating and eventually you believe "

Quixall " Fair enough but your 3 Million is a minus in reality"?

Rico " Oh I just can't help believing and singingtheblues are worth a listen"

Quixall " Ok we understand don't we Hibby"!!

So,I said to god,can’t you sort these lot out down here,he said I m trying my best son,but give us an hand,stop turning water into wine cos they’re pissed all the time and it’s making my job harder.the bible bashers aren’t helping aswell cos they’re fooking up my message.
I told him they’re up all night pissed thumbing the bible cos they’re desperate to find a winner.
So he told me I ll sort my end out you do your best your end.

Hang on Peter Kay’s ringing

Pk hi mate I’ve got 24 nights sold out at the m.e.n you haven’t got any material I’m struggling a bit.i told him I d email some but he really needs to find his own.

I said what about the bishop bashers,he told me leave them son ,man needs a release.

Now I wrote that whilst brewing up this morning,off the cuth you could say.
Should I tell them who I am yet the 2nd coming,no son not yet it will cause bedlam.

Quixall " FFS Hibby don't tell me the score, I want to watch the highlights"

Hibby " Ok but what's the point of watching a game with no goals?"


" FFS, you might as well tell me what the score was at half time now "

The bottom one looks like Quixall with a wig on Greg!!!

Quixall " Hibby did you hear that gambling companies could be fined for targeting vulnerable people" ?

Hibby " Yes, I got a PM from Rico asking if I wanted to be part of his compensation claim"

Quixall " So did I"

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience..
Seeing God she asked : "Is my time up ?"
God said :
"No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth !
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded :
"God, you said I had
another 33 years to live ? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance ?"
God replied :
"I didn't recognize you.......... 

Waste management became popular…..

Aye Beer Filters.

If anyone missed the aurora last night, here's a picture of spilt fuel from a garage forecourt.

Winston the Rasta in mid stroke.

Chantelle " What do you want for your birthday"

Winston " Man am uppit"

A week later Rico jumps out of a fake cake and shouts happy birthday Winston in their bedroom.

Winston " WTF, what is this clown doing in our bedroom"?

Chantelle " Happy birthday mon, what you asked for"

Winston " Are you mad FFS"?

Chantelle " When I asked you said Man a Muppet so happy birthday ysdc, meet Rico"

Ikeaman " Rico I took your advice about covering Porkies but my fingerprints grew back and I was caught,so acid seems extreme"?

Rico " I forgot to tell you that could happen"

Ikeaman " What about my lips ffs" ?

Rico " Only works face to face ysdc, not on here"

Quixall " Do you know the Battersea Dogs Home"?

Hibby " Didn't know he'd even been away"

Hibby " Do you know the amputee jockey, Guy Disney"?

Quixall " Disnae what"?

Top jockey riding a novice chaser for the first time.
In the parade ring the trainer tells him "Shout upsadaisy at each fence and you'll be okay, we'll collect."
Jockey thinks trainer is taking the piss and rides his mount into the first which he ploughed through
while frightening the shyte out of the jock.
Discretion being the better part of valour, the jockey whispers " upsadaisy" in the horses ear at the 2nd,
which his mount demolished and nearly fell.
Feck this said the jockey and screamed " upsadaisy" at the 3rd., .which the horse sailed over.
The jockey shouted his way over the remaining fences with his willing partner jumping like a stag.
Unfortunately, due to their earlier mistakes, the horse ran out of wind and pair could only finish 3rd.
A disappointed trainer asked the jockey what went wrong?
"What went wrong ?" said the jockey, " Is your horse fooking deaf ?"
"He's not fooking deaf" said the trainer, " HE'S FOOKING BLIND "

Hibby " Did you back Harris then Rico" ?

Rico " Of course ysdc, it was value at 6/4, lumped on"

Hibby " But you did your nuts AGAIN"

Rico " Aye but I got the value ydc"

Hibby " My BF vid was playing up so missed it"

Rico " You need fast pics"

Hibby " Aye, are you singing the blues?"

Rico " FOYSDC"!!

A man told the doctor : "My wife's pregnant, but we haven't
had sex in over a year. I don't understand it."
The doctor said : "It's what we in the medical profession
call a grudge pregnancy."
"What's a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man.
The doctor replied : "Well, somebody's obviously had it in
for you

Ikeaman " Matt22, everybody knows you are Shafter so why do you pretend otherwise"?

Matt22 " Nobody knows my other user names though"

Ikeaman " I think they do but they don't all know mine so I am one up on you"

Matt22 " Foysdc, everybody knows that accounts in restricted countries are closed, no negotiation, so you are fooling nobody"

Ikeaman " Any advice being as you know how to fool the Forum with Bogdarking et al"

Matt22 " Stop telling porkies or you might end up like me, oh too late, sorry"

Ikeaman " How do you know I tell porkies"?

Matt22 " Your account is live and you write in the 3rd person when forgetting it is you that is writing, I never do that when i'm Rico or Bogdarking thats why I have them all fooled"

Ikeaman " Thanks Rico, I will think about that"!!!

Cagliari struggling with the meaning of the word good in OP title.

Only a struggle for low level moaning trollers tbh Geoff!! hth

Hibby " I hear you are a chef Geoff M"?

Geoff M " I try my best"

Hibby " Did it upset you when someone called Geoff the chef a C@nt"?

Geoff M " It did but it was worse when they said, who called the c@nt a chef"

Geoff M " How did you know that old slapper was my ex and seeing a Nigerian"?

Me " Stretch marks on her lips"

Geoff M " She had them when you gave her the elbow"

Me " I know, they had shrunk from when I last saw her, on her face lips"

While the cats away !!

1.01 Kaput, Rico is on the right!!!

Hibby " Quixall what is the difference between Rico and Guy Disney"?

Quuixall " Rico has two legs, Guy Disney"?

Hibby " True but Rico tells lies"

Quixall " Got it, Guy Disney"!!!!

Cell mate " How does that Shafter lay straight on his bunk"?

Fellow grass " Gets mercury injected in his spine so when the sun shines it straightens his spine"

Cell mate " Heard he is a grass"?

Fellow grass " He is but never did his bum any favours"

Cell mate " TBF it looked ragged in the shower"

Rico " How do they know I mm not circumcised Quixall" ?

Quixall " FFS a complete pr!ck is obvious don't you think"?

Rico " What do you mean "?

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news..
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'

Quixall finds a used tampon under the frozen turf in his window box.

Hibby " What the eff are you going to do with that manky old thing Quixall" ?

Quixall " Taking it to the Antiques Roadshow "

Hibby " FFS it's worthless ffs, imo...tbh...btw "

Quixall " I just want to know if they can tell me what period it's from "

two  horses in the winners' enclosure at Ascot are talking at the end of the day about the races they've just won. First one says,

"You never lose that amazing feeling do you? The jockey on his feet in the stirrups, you're racing away and can see nothing but the line in front of you, and as you bolt through, the crowd are cheering and chanting your name!"

The other replies,

"It's just incredible. That was my first win at Ascot, and my owner and his wife couldn't stop hugging me, the crowd all patting me and the champagne corks popping. Outstanding!"

A greyhound is walking past, stops and says,

"You know, guys, I can fully sympathise with you both there. I won my tenth race at White City last week and I'm still buzzing from it. It never ceases to thrill you, I can assure you!"

The horses look at each other and one says,

"f**k me, a talking dog!"

ROFL, shafter has yet another post removed as too close to the truth!!!

Shafter in the bath with a nun...........

Shafter " Wears the soap "
Nun " Better than you getting near another itchyfanny YSDC"

Very late for me but predict 1.01 the low level Johnny Walker will be all all down the right hand side trying to have the last word, check the column in the morning!!!

As predicted, maybe not funny but laughable and could be true!!!

BF live chat- " Good afternoon Andrew or do you prefer Ikeaman" ?
Ikeaman " Sounds like you have mental health issue" ?

BF- " Not at all, how can I help today" ?

Ikea- " My Forum account was suspended because somebody grassed me for posting from Germany and I want it back "

BF- " Not a problem Sir, your Forum account has never been suspended for any reason as you should know"

Ikea- "Well I just want you to know I am not posting from Germany"

BF- " We know that Sir we have strict protocols and algorithms in place to prevent access from banned jurisdictions"

Ikea- " Does that mean I can post again as if you would change your security protocols for me" ?

BF- " Absolutely Sir, we are here to help those suppressed by States who ban residents from accessing us"

Ikea- " Thank you, I think the time is right but are you certain I will be allowed"

BF- " Of course, however if you ever do try to post from Germany you will find our very strict security will prevent you, even using a VPN whatever user name you use"

Ikea " Erm eh ok, got the message"

BF- " Just to clarify, we would never reinstate an account from a banned jurisdiction, that said if you still feel you are breaching the terms and conditions and posting from Germany and worrying we can put you in touch with several organisations who deal with mental health issues for Sociopaths"

Ikea- Erm eh ok"

BF - " Have a nice day Sir, btw CET and GMT are different HTH"!!

Two first class gags acey.  Hope you are well.

Yes i liked them L.H I am very well thank you.

Good man.  I then (of course) read back on more of the thread, which I should have done before posting, to appreciate much more of your repertoire. Cheered me up a bit.
Ta, and good luck.

Yes some good yins L.H ...Good luck with your punting buddy.

Spotted this on the 'Sky At Night' website a few years ago...

Tobymugs " So Shafter, you claim to have laid horses that are in profit of £76.47 to a 1pt level stake since 1st May 2024?"

Shafter " The figgas never lie and I have never been caught in a lie"

Tobymugs " Well done for admitting being a Gnaw Bend then"

Keir Starmer " Mr Shafter I would like you to become an advisor for the Chancellor"

Shafter " Because I am a lying fantasist"?

Starmer " Yes that and your spin on winning £3 million and losing £4 million leaving you in profit, just what Rachel needs"

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