i think ive got crabs

sideways

Just tell her it is your period

dont tell her ,hope they all jump off and then do a runner

she dont even like seafood

Couldn't you get your other secret girlfriend, who you must of contracted them off, to come and explain to her all about this condition and where its come from?

Cracking thread

shave your gonads then rub in Brasso, failing that a very salty bath will work. When the crabs go for a swim you jump out quickly.

Where are your crabs?  Freezer?

"castration is the only realistic  way to resolve this problem" That's not my views I'm extolling there, no, those are the very words your girlfriend will use, whilst holding a carving knife, when you fill her in about your your little bit of extra fun.

shave and brut massage

I think he means crabs as in seafood.

naïve charlie