Earlier today I was having a quick smoke in my back garden,to my left I spotted what appeared to be a blue/red scarve fluttering from the side of the house I went to investigate.
Around the side are my bins there was a very tiny,diminutive figure,weedy,malnourished even wearing a long scarf split between Chelsea and Arsenal(never seen one of those before)and on the back of the scarf it said "I am a complete and total bellend"
The figure was rooting through my bins making grunting noises I could only decipher "Nobby Sausage" "Bacon"(I think or something to do with Bacon,perhaps he was looking for bacon?)"vile scumbag" and "never give up"...........it was hard to tell exactly what he was saying as the gimp mask he was wearing along with the copious amounts of dribble pouring out from the mouth opening in the gimp mask did make it difficult to hear.
Anyway I shouted at this creature to get out of my bins and off my property,it stopped turned and proceeded to rant inanely at me about River Plate being vile,french league being terrible and proclaiming to be a legend and who will score next?????
I was a little startled but went to grab him,it was at this precise moment it occurred to me this could be the one and only TSO....
As I grabbed the gimp like urchin he letched to the side clinging on to some old salami scraps I had thrown away,I managed to grab a Lidl carrier bag he had tucked into a hole on the side of his shell suit bottoms but to no avail, he ran away bow legged(sure sign of ricketts and disease/malnutrition).
Even though he was not quick I was not of a mind to chase all I could see legging down my drive was a bowlegged 2ft nothing 4stone shellsuit wearing gimp with market 6 stripe trainers (no laces they were holding up the shellsuit I assume)
Standing there stunned and quite frankly in awe of the fact I had been in the presence of the great and legendary TSO my thoughts shifted to the dirty,ripped 5hit stained,pi55 stinking Lidl carrier bag I was unfortunately holding.
I emptied the contents onto the path in no particular order.
1x penis enlarger
1xbook entitled "how to win friends and influence people"
1x bedsit tenancy agreement(paid weekly £20 inc all bills)
1x eviction notice from bedsit due to non payment and defacating on the walls
1x "I hate NGU" T-SHIRT recently printed I think
1x list called "bets  would like to make/say I have made but can't afford to"
1x list called "alternate words for vile and scumbag"........list empty
1x letter from dwp confirming unable to work due to being "fu**ing mental and no good for anything"
1x letter from dwp saying benefit stopped due to his violent verbal outbursts at staff calling them all idiots and saying they are not intellectual
1x poster size paper written in blood and 5hit saying "TSO IS LEGEND TSO IS LEGEND TSO IS LEGEND over and over and over
And most interestingly detailed notes from his NHS psychiatry sessions.He must have stolen these from the Doctor as they are in a official hospital folder marked "fu**ing nutjob" on the front in big bold blue and red fonts!
I will keep these notes confidential at the moment as I am sure you will appreciate there personal nature I merely tell you this tale today my friends as a precautionary warning to keep a close eye on your bins,I myself live in the Midlands area he I believe lives in the London area, but he is a national parasite he could spring up anywhere spouting nobby sausage,vile and dribbling about the French league...........I may produce the doctors notes if I feel it will help rid us of this disease

:)