PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU CAN BE SEEN AT NIGHT ON YOUR BIKE

I CANT REMEMBER WHEN I LAST HEARD A CYCLIST RING A BELL ON HIS BIKE.I MUST ADMIT THOUGH WHEN IM OUT I DONT GO OUT WITH THE INTENTION OF LISTENING  FOR BYCYCLE RIDERS RINGING THEIR BELLS .I USUALLY GO OUT WITH THE INTENTION OF BUYING MYSELF SOMETHING THAT GRATIFIES ME .LIKE SOM CASHEW NUTS ,OR A BLOCK OF CHOCOLATE .OR A BOX OF CADBURYS CHOCOLATE FNGERS.OR A BACKSCRATCHER

Do wah , I love ringing my bell .

I've just seen a bycycle with no saddle chained to a lampost .I waited for two hours to see the rider as I have never seen a man or woman with no bottom.but no one turned up .my friend said someone might have pinched the saddle .I said no they would have pinched the whole bicycle .there's not a lot you can do with just a saddle

I then told my friend that when I was a boy no one had to chain their bycycle up as no one would steal it .he said why didn't any one steal them .
I told him I don't know why no one stole them . and I can't ask them now because most of them are dead .
He said well what about them that are still alive I said their either deaf  or can't remember or don't talk sense

In my day I told him people never stopped other people in  the street and asked why they didn't steal bycycles because they had other things to do .

He said what did they have to do .I said I don't know what they had to do I wasn't a nosy  Parker

He said did every one use a chimney sweep when you was a boy .I said only those with a chimney used them
He said some must have had chimneys and not used a chimney sweep .I said can't you get it 
in your thick head that I wasn't a nosy parker and didn't go around interrogating people about their private life

I asked my friend if he would like to be my pen friend so I wouldn't have to listen to him talk

I didn't tell him he got on my nerves.because his answer would have been it's not his fault he got on my nerves .it's because of all the alcohol that I supped in the past that has left me with bad nerves .he talks to me like my ex wife used to talk to me .

He speaks terrible to me he says I use him and only want him when there's no AA meetings or GA meetings or meetings with my  depression counsellors .

I told him I need my AA meetings and my GA meetings and my meetings with my depression counsellors to keep me sane

And all he could say was, well I'll tell you straight their not working

We were both in the cub scouts together until he left because he was jealous that my shoes were cleaner than his

He even left a letter in the cub scout hut .telling our kalour that it wasnt  me that cleaned them like all boy cub scouts should clean them .and that it was my mother that cleaned them

I told him straight that he only wanted to be my friend so he could watch sooty and sweep on our t v as my mam was the only women in the street who had a TV .I told him we had one because she was a good payer.and he replied that the t v rent man fancied her that was the only reason we had one .

I should of realised then that he wasn't a proper friend

When he was 21 he went off the scene for a few years and I  never seen him
I thought he didn't want to be my friend any more .I was so glad that he had been in prison and hadn't fell out with me

He was a true friend he came to my wedding he never bought us a present .but he showed me what a good friend he was as he never stole any of our wedding gifts

I was really proud when he asked me to be his best man at his wedding .even though he never paid me back the £500 I lent him at the dogs after the  wedding reception .he thought more of me than he did of his wife .I only mentioned I was going to the dogs to him in church and he insisted I didn't go my own

Lots of my friends liked me .especially those who I lent money to .I think they liked me because they knew that I worked very hard to earn lots of money and they also respected me
They always asked me for money and not them that didn't work because I don't think they respected them .

Once a year in Manchester there's a big procession of cyclists who peddle through Manchester in the nude .I stopped a crowd of school girls and asked what the cyclists were protesting about and not a single one of them could tell me .A BRAZEN YOUNG GIRL said she wasn't interested TheVE just stopped to look whose got the biggest willy

I said what would your mother say if she heard you talk like that .The brazen hussy said   go and ask her she's on the other side of the road getting a better view with the rest of these girls mothers

I said I've a good mind to go to your school and report you to your headmaster .the brazen one again chirped in, and said you won't find him in his office he's the one in  the procession with a blonde wig on pretending to be lady Godiva .

I stopped the  nude cyclist with the Viking horned helmet on and asked him what he was doing here
He said he took the wrong turning  at Piccadilly and landed up here . He said he was meant to be cycling to Asda to do his shopping

I asked the nude man on the penny farthing bycycle how much his bycycle was worth he said £2500 I told him straight I wouldn't give him tupence for it

The girl with the biggest bust was a show off .she kept putting it in the faces of the girls with very small breasts .she was lucky she didn't cause an accident

One girl got a puncture and asked a very fat girl if she had a spare tyrer and the fat  girl punched her and said if your looking for trouble you've come to the right person

The girl who was pregnant was as vile as her .I only asked her if she thought it was lady like for a pregnant woman to ride nude on a bycycle . She YELLED AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE ****  OFF IM SICK TO DEATH OF THE PC BRIGADE TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD AND SHOULDNT DO

I TOLD HER SHE HAD UPSET MY DAY .SHE SAID SHE WOULD UP SET MY WEEK IF SHE BROKE MY NOSE IF I DIDNT ****  OFF THIS MINUITE .

I PICKED UP MY THERMOSS FLASK AND MY FLICK UP UMBRELLA (it was cloudy when I left home )and left immediatly

When I went to moss side I saw people wearing helmets on their bycycles .I thought it must be a safety reason .incase they fell off their bikes .but when I asked around about them.most said yes some wear them for that .but most wear them incase some one hits them over the head  with a hammer .to pinch their phone or bike or steal their money or their trainers or their underpants

I said to one man do they still have cycling proficiency tests where you get a certificate if you pass .He said he'd never heard of it .

But the gangs give you 10% of what you steal with them for the first month .and you don't have to pass any test .you just need to stay out of prison that's all the proof they need

When I moved to Salford I asked one rider why there wasn't many people riding bikes .I said are they scared of a car hitting them.He said their more scared of the DHS stopping their pips payment after telling them their unfit for work

Not a single person will ride their bike to the DWS INCAPACITY ASSESMENT CENTER. I asked is because there's no where to park .He Said don't be a dipstick it's so they can pretend to be suffering from hole in the heart surgery or  pretend to have chronic hip and back and lung pain

I said a lot more of the bycycles seem to look new.he said yes people are more particular these days what they steal .the courts don't give you a shorter sentence for stealing an old bike you get the same sentence for stealing  new one.

In my day he said people stole any bike it didn't have to look good so long as it did its job

he said it's a different world today alot of the thief's are attention seekers who won't be seen dead on an old bike .incase their friends see them

He then started to ride his bike on the foot path .I said that's against the law to do that

He shouted back in his Salford accent well what are you going to do about it Dumbo.
You've got to smile at their humour especially when their built like a Shi*  house door

I got my 10% off all goods voucher from Poundland if you spend over £1-50 out of my pocket and proceeded to get my lightup  biros  and my pack of brexit playing cards

I saw an old girlfriend of mine from about 40 years ago .I said you had a lucky escape not marrying me .I ended up a alcoholic and a compulsive gambler .she said don't pull your self down you was one of the very few who payed their way and got the beer in and you never did a runner in the Indian restraunt like most of the rest .

And i never saw you once pull your pockets inside out and expose your willy and pretend you was an elephant .

No one's got a bad word to say about you .only that girl you went out with and you got her to draw her life savings out of the bank for a cert that you had. that finished third of four

And it wasn't as if she'd worked for it .she only had loads of money because her mam and dad left her that big detached house in their will

I asked her if she was married she said yes .she married a pakistani and thank the lord he's not a gambler or heavy drinker .I said I thought Pakistanis were allowed to beat their wives .she said that's ok shes more liberated these days and most times she likes it
She said some times it make the hair on her back stand up

We went to costalota for a coffe and talked about the good old days but that's another story

These coffee shops give their coffees posh names so they can charge us more .they might Kidd the multitudes who think their special because they drink coffee in a coffee shop which has coffee with posh names

In stead of drinking coffee in a cafe where the coffee is not portrayed as though it's a drink for people who prefer the finer things in life

They might Kidd them but they don't Kidd do wah diddy

One man with a bowler hat on .and carried a filo fax thought he was something special when he walked into a certain coffeehouse  and asked if they had a 1932 Brazilian mocca lattee from the garrincha coffee nut house in the south  inka region of Brazil

And when told no .said he would have a diet coke then  instead .I've seen these two Bob champagne Charlie's all my life they make me sick

I asked him why a 1932 and not 31 or 30  vintage he smirked and said it's common knowledge that the Brazilian black beetle which laid it's eggs on the Brazilian house of garrincha nuts that year went into hiding when they saw what they thought was an acme pest control tanker parked in the nut house .but it turned out to be a second hand olive oil tanker whose owners hadnt yet removed the acme pest control name of its tank

Ps not all brazilian black beetles can read only some of the intelegent ones can

A superb piece of work..criminally neglected...Do wah

More, more.

Easily better than anything written about the Tour De France this year.

I wanted to go on a tour de france cycling holiday one year with my then wife .She said she's not standing at the side of the road mending punctures all week .while I'm in the bar telling everyone about the night I sang to del Shannon in the Salford rugby club

I told her it didn't have to be like that . I told her  I could tell them about the time she tried to strangle me one Sunday afternoon instead  when I came home drunk in a taxi

We never went .We ended up at the robin hood caravan sight at ryll north Wales that year
We had an all inclusive package of a two berth caravan with pillows and bedclothes included .A free token was issued to each of us to have free hot water in the showers in the toilets outside on the camp site
One toilet roll and one small bar of soap was also included in the All inclusive deal
I think it was the robin hood caravan site which  started the all inclusive holidays craze

We didn't have a sea view caravan .but we were right next to the outside toilets if we needed to go .
I thought the first night that we were near the sea as I thought I could hear the waves as they rushed over the beach ,but it was people flushing the systems in the toilet
If you ever go to the robin hood caravan site ,just lay down on your bunk bed and listen
to the toilets being flushed .Andi bet my last penny you will think it's the waves landing on the beach

I think that's when our marriage started to falter she didn't want to listen with me to the toilets being flushed
I tried to make her happy .But she wasn't interested playing ludo or snakes and ladders or trying to do the daily mirror cross word with me.
I even brought a set of dominoes with me .but she refused to play when she found out that double six and double two and four-three ,and six-five were missing .I told her it was the same for both of us but she would not play

The last time I was in ryll I went for a nostalgic look around .it's not got all the imminitivs that it had when I was there .not a single toilet cubicle had a lock on the door.and three cubicles had no door at all.
I told the camp manager the doors are missing on some cubicles .he said you don't think anyone wanted to look at you do you

I said I don't want to see people looking at me while I'm sat  on the toilet.He said if that's all your worried about then close your eyes

He said wait a minute I remember you .He said you was the one who stole the astray from the two berth caravan a few years ago.i said you want to think yourself lucky that the t v wouldn't fit in my suitcase

Rhyll used to be a nice place years ago .Even the ghost Train on the pleasur beach only had one ghost so it wouldn't scare the customers

The candy floss stall was a caring stall it gave children a tiny stick of candy floss so the wouldn't become obese

The waltzer only went slow .so that the kids could see their parents as it went round twice before stopping .

My fav stall was the one where you had to throw three arrows .they didn't have to stick in three separate cards they just had to stick in anywhere

I only won once

and I'm that unlucky the goldfish couldn't swim and died