Chit Chat
Elvis Presley was constipated and went to the toilet to check if he could go.Things were not going to well so he started to push himself in order to go and took a heart attack.
The expert on the telly last night said"if need to go and you cant, don't push too hard as it puts pressure on your other organs and you can give yourself a heart attack.
now remember this the next time you are constipated.
it's a hose pipe at it's simplest. what goes though quicker peaches and bananas... or steak and eggs ?
antidote - sweetcorn.
The opiate protecting the fall and him putting more pressure on his already pulsating heart
I cannot drink Orange juice - i get the runs. if you are okay with it - drink it. fruit skitters? meat constipation. this isn't physics.
My ex was another matter. Used to go like clockwork every 2 days - 20 secs max including one wipe.
Until this joyful week when she never went at all; i was very sympathetic and suggested some fatty substance shot up her brown eye with reckless abandon. When i recovered and put my bollox back into their flaps she said "Can't you think of anything else" No says i but try some mercury. Ok says she after i informed her all would be well (
So in the milk this mercury goes (out of the thermometer) and downs it she does. 5 days and 35 toilets rolls later she tells me i'm a bastard and i'm never to go near her delightful posterior again! No sense of humour some wimmin..
I'm in agreement with Zoz that a daily intake of plenty of fruit will prevent you getting constipated in the first place provided you are not regularly taking opiates or strong painkillers.
Don't under any circumstances be any further than 10 seconds from a toilet.....
Rehydrate the body once ''flushed''.
you guys are nuts - pills? change your diet - drink three pints of water daily. hot tea loosens anything. foods with liquid content.
I cannot drink Orange juice - i get the runs. if you are okay with it - drink it. fruit skitters? meat constipation. this isn't physics.
If not on the bevvy i will drink 4-5 pints water a day
Tried to stop the tea give s me a dodgy stomach if drink too much plus gives horrible tongue colour and rots teeth
detraveller 20 Apr 17 03:12 Joined: 18 Nov 15 | Topic/replies: 5,917 | Blogger: detraveller's blog
You should always have a go to food in such cases. Of course fruits and water help but im talking something that works instantly. You should know what works for you. I just take two coffees and it works. Or hot chocolate from mcdonalds always makes it flow for me.
Coffee and a roll up with no filter try it
I've never been constipated in my life.
before i took fybogel i use to get roids on a regular basis. roids and constipation are no laughing matter. i try not to squeeze any more.
Squatting is better than sitting. When you squat the rectum is pretty much vertical whereas with sitting it's not. When people get strip-searched they have to squat as it then becomes very difficult to retain anything in the rectum. Replace drugs or a mobile phone with a large poo and squatting enables swift and effortless evacuation. You don't have to strain as hard and it's also a lot cleaner as your butt cheeks are parted, resulting in a lot less wiping. On a side note, if for some reason I need to go at a certain time (before a long drive for example) then I find a very strong coffee followed by a cigarette will get the motions in motion.
You 100% on this ?
The former will keep them moving for Several hours
Apr 20, 2017 -- 8:07PM, TheChaser wrote:
lybertyne 20 Apr 17 18:52 Joined: 18 Jul 10 | Topic/replies: 4,182 | Blogger: lybertyne's blogSquatting is better than sitting. When you squat the rectum is pretty much vertical whereas with sitting it's not. When people get strip-searched they have to squat as it then becomes very difficult to retain anything in the rectum. Replace drugs or a mobile phone with a large poo and squatting enables swift and effortless evacuation. You don't have to strain as hard and it's also a lot cleaner as your butt cheeks are parted, resulting in a lot less wiping. On a side note, if for some reason I need to go at a certain time (before a long drive for example) then I find a very strong coffee followed by a cigarette will get the motions in motion.You 100% on this ?
Of course he is right. I read somewhere that two thirds of the world sh1t in a squatting position ad wash with water. We in the developed world dont do either and Ive always wondered why? The best we've come up with are wet wipes!
The theory is that pushing up (by hard coughing) forces the diaphragm up to press on the lungs then down again to press on the contents of the abdomen. That way, the bowels get pressed from above. This is particularly useful for those with hemorrhoids.
Lubrication can also be applied by inserting a sliver of soap into the exit. Soap containing washing soda is not recommended. Cold face cream can also be used. In the absence of a wife or girlfriend, advice can be sought from a male friend who has good fashion sense or works in a coffee shop.
detraveller 21 Apr 17 16:07
I read somewhere that two thirds of the world sh1t in a squatting position ad wash with water.
Two thirds of the world suffer from worms and other parasites.
Apr 20, 2017 -- 6:06PM, cardenden wrote:
fingers up the bum,,,a good wiggle around,,give it half an hour,
Went to doc's, he just told me to eat prunes and stuff, try an over the counter laxitive, come back in 2 weeks if
there's no show of a devil's doughnut.
Saw an advert on tv, dulcolax or something, tablets and suppositories...
Took the tablets as per instructions... nothing.
Went for the silver bullet treatment next, and it worked a treat first time.
Word of warning though, if you try one of these magic bullet things, don't be further than 30 secs away from the
throne, as the urge will hit you like a train. Happily enough I caught it in time, and in the words of Micky Flanagan,
it was like an old radiator being emptied.
Micky Flanagan... the sh1ts
So those hole in the floor toilets are actually healthier, if a bit wierd.
When you sit normally you can kind of pinch off your arse-tube (medical term, sorry if I confuse people) by kinking it.
So even just raising your feet up on something or just on your toes can help.
You can get stools/platforms to put in front of the toilet to put your feet on.
It's all explained in possible the best video on the internet (totally safe for work, even has unicorns)
https://youtu.be/YbYWhdLO43Q
If i went in someones house and there was a stool covered in skids lying beside the toilet pan as i went to whip out my monster i would zip back up and leave immediately.
http://www.squattypotty.co.uk/
It's frustrating with these amateurs, the woman in the picture is also wearing trousers, nothing can come out!
The women never trousers in all those japaneses vid.. I think I've said too much.
Apr 21, 2017 -- 4:20PM, Gallivanter wrote:
detraveller 21 Apr 17 16:07 I read somewhere that two thirds of the world sh1t in a squatting position ad wash with water.Two thirds of the world suffer from worms and other parasites.
Which part will give me worms and parasites? Squatting or washing with water?
We do none of the bodily functions properly as a result of convection and ritual. Before Louis X1V women gave childbirth in the squatting position, but because this pompous twot wanted to see every second of his' glorious offsprings' entry into the world, his wife had to lie in a vertical position, we know what followed!! sycophants and dopey twots following 'COURT'
detraveller 21 Apr 17 21:53
Which part will give me worms and parasites? Squatting or washing with water?
Not being privy to your, er, privy, it's hard to say.
Still, I'll open the *cough* proceedings by referring to the squat toilets used from eastern Europe to east Asia. The chamber of ease is often a hole in the floor with a couple of grab rails provided for the, um, convenience of the user.
Many of the users clean themselves with their left hand and then "clean" the left hand with the stones provided for that purpose. Sometimes they go so far as to dip a rag in a jar of water. Some even have their own rags and, luxury, their own jar of water. In certain sea ports, it's not uncommon to meet a sailor proudly toting his little jam jar which is tied round the neck with string and contains some brownish water and a piece of rag.
Should any of these cheerful chappies have neglected to clean under his fingernails, it's possible that his passage can be traced back (geddit?) to the various grab handles, door handles and so on that he has touched because he might have left tiny little eggs as a memorial. If anyone touches these handles, they might transfer the eggs to their mouth and form their own colony of intestinal worms.
That's just bad hygiene and squatting isn't the real problem, I hear you say, and you're right.
Now we come to squatting in the open air. More precisely, in the long grass, preferably near a swamp. You don't need to worry about another man's hygiene here. There are parts of the world where something will enter your system, lay its eggs and be gone before your eyes have started to water. Or the eggs might be already there on the long grass, waiting for you to discover that there's no Andrex handy.
As you guessed, it isn't squatting or washing with water that is a problem in and of itself. (Ahem.) The fact remains that people who use western lavatorial methods tend to suffer much less from unwanted visitors.
Parts of the developed world are more developed than others. That's why there is the standard sitcom joke about the French having footbaths next to their toilets.
You can buy cheap bidet conversion units these days.
