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THOUSANDS of heads were exploding across Britain today as people tried to work out which Daily Mail story was a hoax.
No joke
Homes and offices were filled with the strains of mounting confusion followed by a wet bursting sound as walls, ceilings and bus stops were spattered with fresh brain.
Dr Tom Logan, a psychiatrist, said: “The first candidate is ‘Feminism widened poverty gap’ which seems to be an obvious and grotesque falsehood, but of course the Mail thinks it’s true.
“Next up is the attractive public school teacher getting her knockers out – but they do about four of those a day at the moment.
“Naturally we can skip past ‘India to overtake China as world’s biggest nation’ because, to the Daily Mail, that is deadly serious.
“Then we have ‘Only English people pay for prescriptions’, but they specifically point out that it’s not the April Fools joke, lest they miss an opportunity to ramp up the seething hatred between people of all backgrounds.
“Then there’s ‘Men with pot bellies more likely to go blind’ which does have the feel of a Daily Mail hoax because it would be so horribly cruel and unfunny. But there is some science in it apparently.
“That leaves us with ‘Garden hedge that looks like Buddha sparks religious hate campaign’. But of course that is the sort of quintessentially English reaction to Buddha-shaped topiary that can only be true.
“Actually, can we stop for a minute? I’m starting to feel a build up of pressure behind my left ear.”
No joke
Homes and offices were filled with the strains of mounting confusion followed by a wet bursting sound as walls, ceilings and bus stops were spattered with fresh brain.
Dr Tom Logan, a psychiatrist, said: “The first candidate is ‘Feminism widened poverty gap’ which seems to be an obvious and grotesque falsehood, but of course the Mail thinks it’s true.
“Next up is the attractive public school teacher getting her knockers out – but they do about four of those a day at the moment.
“Naturally we can skip past ‘India to overtake China as world’s biggest nation’ because, to the Daily Mail, that is deadly serious.
“Then we have ‘Only English people pay for prescriptions’, but they specifically point out that it’s not the April Fools joke, lest they miss an opportunity to ramp up the seething hatred between people of all backgrounds.
“Then there’s ‘Men with pot bellies more likely to go blind’ which does have the feel of a Daily Mail hoax because it would be so horribly cruel and unfunny. But there is some science in it apparently.
“That leaves us with ‘Garden hedge that looks like Buddha sparks religious hate campaign’. But of course that is the sort of quintessentially English reaction to Buddha-shaped topiary that can only be true.
“Actually, can we stop for a minute? I’m starting to feel a build up of pressure behind my left ear.”
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Is it the one about Imbrahimovic wanting £600k per week if he comes to England?
Is it one one about the Schoolboy in Scotland who got just NINE years for murdering a fellow pupil?
Is it the one about the BBC being run by a shadowy sect of Diabolists intent on waging 'Savilry' on the Christian Population of the UK?
It's not the story about the BBC relocating to Brussels if UK votes out because that's definitely true.
Is it the one about the ambulance not turning up?
must be harder and harder to make up an April Fools day joke due to the fact that absolutely nothing is implausible anymore.
Is it the one about the prison near Wrexham?
(I hope not. We need prison reform - for far too long we've been treating inmates like criminals.)
(I hope not. We need prison reform - for far too long we've been treating inmates like criminals.)
is it the one about Dave Cameron managing to secure fundamental and lasting reform in the EU?
Good one in th Bradford local paper many years ago. Due to lack of visitors, Bronte Parsonage Museum is gouing to be turned into a supermarket. Lots of complaints.
Dr Tom Logan - my favourite spokesperson for the Institute of Studies
Is it the one about the prison near Wrexham?
If it is, Nick Ferrari on LBC fell for it hook line and sinker.
Inmates getting their own rooms, and jailers having to knock before they could enter?
I certainly hope it isn't true.
If it is, Nick Ferrari on LBC fell for it hook line and sinker.
Inmates getting their own rooms, and jailers having to knock before they could enter?
I certainly hope it isn't true.
They will all have telephones so they can phone their kids every evening to wish them goodnight.
Yes that was mentioned.
Yes that was mentioned.
Was it the DM who reported that Germany & France would propose to ban British teams from Euro16 if we vote BREXIT?
I heard it on the radio this morning and what would have made it even funnier would have been if they proposed Scotland would replace them
I heard it on the radio this morning and what would have made it even funnier would have been if they proposed Scotland would replace them
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