Calling BITO

That scoundrel Bito is no good. I waited outside in the Caithness cold air from 23.55 last night until gone 01.00 ready for a naked group hug and I can tell you the cold caused my manhood to half in size and it was both a salutory and embarrassing experience to walk back indoors with my shrivelled up pecker tucked between my legs. No man should have to walk back in to his house filled with disappointment and a mere six inches to show for his trouble. That kind of width is simply not acceptable and he will be receiving a stern letter. That poor fifth robin had to stand on one leg without the usual perch.

Thankfully normal service was resumed by 01.15 when I received my usual Christmas message and used panties from you know who. I haven't had them off my head yet. The gusset is divine.

Fantastic scenes indeed EO. I'm glad Madame's scanties corrected the temporary problem. I'd quite like some correction from her myself.

All good things come to those who wait alun. I believe she's penciled you in for 15.00 if that's okay with you? Can you check you diary old boy?




















































Sorry I forgot. 15.00 on May 22nd. 2037. Don't keep her waiting.

  EO you are a beastly man.

With any luck, I will be in the Great Discipline Room in the Sky by then, richly-rewarded for my many good deeds on this earth by being granted daily correction from finest Ebony Humiliatrixes known to man. Either them or some highly trained Lufthansa stewardesses.

You've got something in common with those ISIL chappies there alun. I think they call it deferred gratification. It's just that they're looking for innocent virgins and you for debased debauchery you old rogue.

I must say I rewatched Scandal In Belgravia the night before last and goodness me that foxy little number who played Irene Adler could have sucked the bend out of a river with me in a rubber dinghy. I had to check if all these Scottish mountains were extinct as I was sure there was going to be an immense volcanic eruption of Krakatoa proportions.

Believe it or not, as much as I can't stand the 'Sherlock' programme and the absurd Cumberbiatc, I DO know about that 'Scandal In Belgravia" episode. And yes, she'll do VERY nicely thank you. And her posh car.

Never mind her posh car. When she rips off his dog collar and Watson enters and stands there non plussed as she stands naked growling with it between her teeth I could have crushed diamonds if I'd dropped my owd lad on them. I dont think Isambard Kingdom Brunels hat would have spared my blushes if it was sat on my lap and I'd had the vicar round for tea.

like it.

The complexities of being a modern man eh?  Women just wouldn't understand if they had to walk a day in our shoes. (Although they obviously look far better in knee-length boots).

Knee length boots and nothing else. True story from about 20 years ago now alun and I swear it is true. My mate said he was a bit worried about a mate of ours. He was going out with a right stunner but things were a bit ropey. My mate said our pal was ruining the relationship because he was into some right kinky shiit and it was all a bit disgusting. Apparently he'd seen this girl out having a few drinks and the alcohol had loosened her lips and she said she was fed up with his sexual demands. He wouldn't stop getting her to wear these kinky boots and kept doing her up the wrong un and she said a lot of the time she was struggling to sit down comfortably. My mate was appalled. I was thinking lucky bugger.

Quite.

It's so rare to find persons of such solid judgement like your good self these days. Half of today's men seem to regard Frank Baloney as the real thing.

Oh he's the real thing alright and as soon as I find out what it is I'll let you know.

I mean let's be honest. He's about as real as Dick Emery. How do they keep a straight face?

And on that note I'll wish you a Happy New Year.  And to Bito in absentia.

The 'straight face' thing is beyond belief. "Newsnight" lead the way in that respect.

Indeed. Enjoy the New Year old boy and may it bring you joy. Leave it with me. You know I've got contacts. I'll move heaven and earth for you old chum and don't be surprised if about halfway through the year you get a knock on the door when you are least expecting it and waiting there with boots and whip in hand will be that vision of loveliness you've hoped for but haven't dreamed could possibly come true.
























































No need to thank me. Anything for you. I don't know what he's/she's calling herself these days but Frank will give you the ride of your life. No need to thank me.