People you wouldn't let use your toilet

A mate of mine used to get the classified section of the local paper and get stoned and ring around the adverts pretending to be a potential buyer of whatever it was they were selling.

Then he'd just say something really weird like 'does the bike pull wheelies' but the funniest was a pakistani accent he did when he asked if while he was round looking at the bike he could 'muck up in de toilet?'
I used to cry laughing

Camilla Batmanjelly.

But to answer your question: I would definitely think twice before letting Dianne Flabbot near my bog.............

surely everyone has a 'no stools rule' for visitors?
Its frankly rude ffs to bomb the basin at anothers house

Anybody that has severe constipation and has just had a laxative, then I'm sorry but it's got to be a firm NO, especially if it's Jo Brand.

I'd say "Jo, I'm sorry, but I don't find you at all funny, and for that reason, I'm oot" and I'd switch off the lights and pretend that I'd gone to the pub.

I had a girlfriend that solely drank Pernod and black and in very large quantities, her poo stench was absolutely hideous.

I read one of Mirandas books.

In it, she says that she would consult with her friend to confirm that what she was writing was indeed funny.
On the off chance that Miranda might read this forum...... may I suggest that Miranda gets some new friends.

Romanians
Nigerians
Facts.

For the obvious reasons.

Russell Brand,he would leave loads of used condoms to clear up,despite only being in there by himself !

I'm very picky about who I allow to use my toilet.

My motion sensor triggered hidden camera has only a certain amount of disk-space and I don't want it getting clogged up filming munters.

The Leopard....................He'd leave a mess and blame Putin.

Shakira

Strangely, when mrs gin's friends come over she cleans the loo before they come but when my friends come over, she waits until they have left..........

Kenneth Williams wouldn't let anybody use his loo.

Well I've got a stenchometer fitted inside my bathroom.
They'll have to get up early in the morning if they want to stink me out.

A loud bell sounds when it is triggered by any obnoxious smell.
Then the timer kicks in and the bell sounds again to signal the all clear after a set time has elapsed.

In my experience the stench created by beef eaters is particularly staggering.
Their turds can be formidable and get stuck in the bend.
I'd advise anyone to keep a stick by the side of the WC to deal with them.

Anyone who doesn't sit down for a tinkle!

Anyone from Bristol is definitely barred.

dustybin    04 Nov 15 15:14 
A mate of mine used to get the classified section of the local paper and get stoned and ring around the adverts pretending to be a potential buyer of whatever it was they were selling.

Then he'd just say something really weird like 'does the bike pull wheelies' but the funniest was a pakistani accent he did when he asked if while he was round looking at the bike he could 'muck up in de toilet?'
I used to cry laughing


The long winter nights must just simply fly by

Facts, what's the silly face for after the last sentence?

Are you having one of your turns again?

John mccririck

Elvis

Harry Dunne

Mario Ballotelli

Humpty Dumpty

Any of you ever been to Germany and used their toilets where you sh*t onto a shelf not into water?

My god they are disgusting, the stench as you plop onto the porcelain could strip paint.
Probably good training for those "special" videos we know YOU watch though :P

Guys Poyet

GUS Poyet

the Williams sisters either of them

Giant haystacks..

Any of you ever been to Germany and used their toilets where you sh*t onto a shelf not into water?


That's a bidet you ignoramus!!!

The odd thing is the bowl design is the same in Austria too. It seems to be an artefact of the language: if you speak German, then it's assumed you'll want to examine your Scheiss before pulling the chain.

PS to Aunty Post: I have a vision of a confused old man standing in a toilet bowl in Baden Baden trying to wash his feet.

I reckon Just Checking has left an assortment of steaming jobbies in kraut phone boxes.

Very many long moons ago, my dad was showing me round a house his company had built.

I asked what the gadget next to the toilet was, and he said it was a foot bath!

Never knew if he really believed that, or was protecting me from the real truth!

Here's a bit on them.
https://planetgermany.wordpress.com/2010/08/24/terrifying-german-toilets/
After a night on the sauce, it's quite a challenge to keep your breakfast down as you splat your morning absolution out.

Feb 17, 2016 -- 4:51PM, Aunty Post wrote:

Very many long moons ago, my dad was showing me round a house his company had built.I asked what the gadget next to the toilet was, and he said it was a foot bath!Never knew if he really believed that, or was protecting me from the real truth!

Surely he would have been protecting himself from the embarrassment of explaining it's correct purpose to you.

You could be correct Leopard. He was a man of few words!

Another one was, whilst walking over the village green there was a very tall person, in strange clothes, and walking with long strides.

I asked "What's that" and he replied, in a kind of it's a secret voice, "that's a black man"!

Frank Bruno?

I thought he was Irish?

This was the epitome of all black men!
Black as coal, and wearing all of the Zulu gear from Gap, or wherever you could get, it in the fifties!

Desperate Dan

Another annoyance about the German toilet bowl is that you really, really do have to clean it regularly. Or at least that's what my landlady insisted when she had a look around my flat after I'd been living there a few months.

That's the trouble with being an ignoramus. Should have followed Aunty Post's advice and used it to wash my undercarriage instead.