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Mixed race = not white
Loved by all who knew him = toerag
Lights up the room when he enters = suicide bomber, or possibly pyromaniac if not Muslim
Straight A student = doing sports science degree at local tech, or possibly media studies course
Celebrity = lacks talent
Promising young footballer = can't get a job
bubbly young woman = gobby
went travelling = got on wrong bus
serious student = wears glasses
must be many more, shirley.
Loved by all who knew him = toerag
Lights up the room when he enters = suicide bomber, or possibly pyromaniac if not Muslim
Straight A student = doing sports science degree at local tech, or possibly media studies course
Celebrity = lacks talent
Promising young footballer = can't get a job
bubbly young woman = gobby
went travelling = got on wrong bus
serious student = wears glasses
must be many more, shirley.
Show More
family man = serial shagger
lessons will be learnt = lessons won't be learnt
curvacious size 16 = fcking obese horrorbag
we pride ourselves on our high levels of customer service = fck the customers
lessons will be learnt = lessons won't be learnt
curvacious size 16 = fcking obese horrorbag
we pride ourselves on our high levels of customer service = fck the customers
The Beatles were rubbish = I'm a thick c*nt.
I'd knock you out if we ever met = I'm an 8 stone virgin.
Tory spiv culture = I backed Labour.
UKIP are c*nts = I backed Labour.
I ask for coffee with no milk instead of black coffee = I'm a c*nt.
I welcome all unskilled immigrants to the UK = I live in a nice leafy lane village far from any inner cites or crap towns.
I'd knock you out if we ever met = I'm an 8 stone virgin.
Tory spiv culture = I backed Labour.
UKIP are c*nts = I backed Labour.
I ask for coffee with no milk instead of black coffee = I'm a c*nt.
I welcome all unskilled immigrants to the UK = I live in a nice leafy lane village far from any inner cites or crap towns.
(If from a man to a woman) Hello = I'd like to fck you senseless
we are all in this together.... pull the ladder up jack
soup of the day..... leftovers from days before....bon appetito
soup of the day..... leftovers from days before....bon appetito
computer whizz kid .........sits in his bedsit watching porn 24/7
I queued up for three days to get my hands on the latest iPhone....
= I am a complete bell end.
= I am a complete bell end.
I've joined City to win trophies = I've just ordered a DB9
I am level on the day .......I have done my absoulute bollax !
The most important thing was getting the three points = I nearly broke the back of the net with that one and I'll be knocking on the manager's door on monday wanting a pay rise
I am concentrating on the game & nothing else = Fack off I never taken a bung.
I don't care if our neighbour Sally with the big t1t$ is a slag, she's just not my type - thanks for the heads up, next time you're on nights I'll be straight round there for a cup of sugar.
May contain nuts = Shouldn't contain nuts but the bloke operating the mixing machine might have completely facked up so we are covering our arse
Contains 100% beef = Contains 100% of the bits of a cow, after the butcher has finished with it, that you wouldn't actually buy if we hadn't minced it all up to disguise it and called it "100% beef"
Contains 100% beef = Contains 100% of the bits of a cow, after the butcher has finished with it, that you wouldn't actually buy if we hadn't minced it all up to disguise it and called it "100% beef"
Football manager-speak
I am not going to resign despite the disappointing tournament = I am waiting for them to sack me so I get my contract paid up as a pay off
We have a three year-plan = We are gonna be sh1te for a couple of years as I haven't got a fecking clue what I am doing but they gave me a 3 year contract.
We should have had a penalty. The ref bottled it. = We lost 5 - 0
I am not going to resign despite the disappointing tournament = I am waiting for them to sack me so I get my contract paid up as a pay off
We have a three year-plan = We are gonna be sh1te for a couple of years as I haven't got a fecking clue what I am doing but they gave me a 3 year contract.
We should have had a penalty. The ref bottled it. = We lost 5 - 0
"It's a peaceful religion" = "We're glad we don't live anywhere near them. If necessary we'll move to Chester, France or Switzerland to avoid them".
pumphol. 30 Jun 15 19:20 Joined: 29 Jul 04 | Topic/replies: 40,844 | Blogger: pumphol.'s blog
Gave it his best shot = he was sh!te
Gave it his best shot = he was sh!te
"Will definitely come on for the run." = It wasn't trying a yard.
With the greatest of respect = I think you are a plankton.
On BBC tonight another chance to see = We can't be arsed to put something new on.
On BBC tonight another chance to see = We can't be arsed to put something new on.
Journeyman = should have taken his City & Guilds Level 3
Russell Brand is a c*nt = Russell Brand is a c*nt
I'm not sure we have a clear winner yet ...
leggy blonde = looks like Champion the wonder horse (Champion the wonder horse ... like a streak of lightning flashing cross the sky, etc - you know the rest)
deeply religious = believes in Father Christmas
professional gambler = logs on to Betfair at work
I'm (no not mememe)trapped in a woman's body = todger got stuck
leggy blonde = looks like Champion the wonder horse (Champion the wonder horse ... like a streak of lightning flashing cross the sky, etc - you know the rest)
deeply religious = believes in Father Christmas
professional gambler = logs on to Betfair at work
I'm (no not mememe)trapped in a woman's body = todger got stuck
You must come for dinner = I hope I never see your ugly mug again
I'll bear it in mind = fack off it's clearly a sh!t idea
I'll bear it in mind = fack off it's clearly a sh!t idea
I'm just gonna send a quick email = See you in about an hour!
I don't mean to disrespect you = I'm just about to disrespect you.
I'll see what I can do = If I do anything, which I probably won't, it will be **** all
This tastes really good = I was expecting this to taste awful and am relieved it's half decent
I'll be there in half an hour = I'll be there in an hour
I might see you there = I'm not going
You look really good in that = I'm hoping to cop off with you tonight
I'm really busy = You better help me you lazy fecker
Have you seen the car/door keys = Where have you hidden them this time
I'll see what I can do = If I do anything, which I probably won't, it will be **** all
This tastes really good = I was expecting this to taste awful and am relieved it's half decent
I'll be there in half an hour = I'll be there in an hour
I might see you there = I'm not going
You look really good in that = I'm hoping to cop off with you tonight
I'm really busy = You better help me you lazy fecker
Have you seen the car/door keys = Where have you hidden them this time
Some from my wife this week:
Hello = fack off
bye = fack off
Hello = fack off
bye = fack off
Leave it = your a lazy facker, don't bother with your token help, I'll get round to it 
Go if you want to (by woman) = But boy will you pay for it later
I've never stopped you doing anything (by woman) = but boy did I make you pay for it
Going out to dinner
The wife
I'll be fifteen minutes = watch a film while you wait.
The wife
I'll be fifteen minutes = watch a film while you wait.
Let me be completely clear about this - no I'm not going to answer the question you just asked
Your call is very important to us= We will keep you waiting forever.
We are experiencing an unusually high volume of calls = two work experience people form the entire staff in our call centre
Our employees are our most important asset = In your dreams. Money is our most important asset, praise costs nothing.
Your comment has been moderated as it does not fit in with policy etc
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we ain't having cants like you on our site disagreeing with our our propaganda
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we ain't having cants like you on our site disagreeing with our our propaganda
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