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Chit Chat
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Mixed race = not white
Loved by all who knew him = toerag
Lights up the room when he enters = suicide bomber, or possibly pyromaniac if not Muslim
Straight A student = doing sports science degree at local tech, or possibly media studies course
Celebrity = lacks talent
Promising young footballer = can't get a job
bubbly young woman = gobby
went travelling = got on wrong bus
serious student = wears glasses
must be many more, shirley.
Loved by all who knew him = toerag
Lights up the room when he enters = suicide bomber, or possibly pyromaniac if not Muslim
Straight A student = doing sports science degree at local tech, or possibly media studies course
Celebrity = lacks talent
Promising young footballer = can't get a job
bubbly young woman = gobby
went travelling = got on wrong bus
serious student = wears glasses
must be many more, shirley.
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family man = serial shagger
lessons will be learnt = lessons won't be learnt curvacious size 16 = fcking obese horrorbag we pride ourselves on our high levels of customer service = fck the customers |
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The Beatles were rubbish = I'm a thick c*nt.
I'd knock you out if we ever met = I'm an 8 stone virgin. Tory spiv culture = I backed Labour. UKIP are c*nts = I backed Labour. I ask for coffee with no milk instead of black coffee = I'm a c*nt. I welcome all unskilled immigrants to the UK = I live in a nice leafy lane village far from any inner cites or crap towns. |
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I'm not even lying = What I am saying is not the truth
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(If from a man to a woman) Hello = I'd like to fck you senseless
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we are all in this together.... pull the ladder up jack
soup of the day..... leftovers from days before....bon appetito |
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Free money! = back this at your peril.
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computer whizz kid .........sits in his bedsit watching porn 24/7
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Gave it his best shot = he was sh!te
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well groomed ..........gay
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cuddly ......fat whack !
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I queued up for three days to get my hands on the latest iPhone....
= I am a complete bell end. |
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I've joined City to win trophies = I've just ordered a DB9
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I am level on the day .......I have done my absoulute bollax !
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The most important thing was getting the three points = I nearly broke the back of the net with that one and I'll be knocking on the manager's door on monday wanting a pay rise
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I am concentrating on the game & nothing else = Fack off I never taken a bung.
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have never
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I don't care if our neighbour Sally with the big t1t$ is a slag, she's just not my type - thanks for the heads up, next time you're on nights I'll be straight round there for a cup of sugar.
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May contain nuts = Shouldn't contain nuts but the bloke operating the mixing machine might have completely facked up so we are covering our arse
Contains 100% beef = Contains 100% of the bits of a cow, after the butcher has finished with it, that you wouldn't actually buy if we hadn't minced it all up to disguise it and called it "100% beef" |
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Football manager-speak
I am not going to resign despite the disappointing tournament = I am waiting for them to sack me so I get my contract paid up as a pay off We have a three year-plan = We are gonna be sh1te for a couple of years as I haven't got a fecking clue what I am doing but they gave me a 3 year contract. We should have had a penalty. The ref bottled it. = We lost 5 - 0 |
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"It's a peaceful religion" = "We're glad we don't live anywhere near them. If necessary we'll move to Chester, France or Switzerland to avoid them".
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pumphol. 30 Jun 15 19:20 Joined: 29 Jul 04 | Topic/replies: 40,844 | Blogger: pumphol.'s blog
Gave it his best shot = he was sh!te  |
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today was all about the performance = we lost
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"Will definitely come on for the run." = It wasn't trying a yard.
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With the greatest of respect = I think you are a plankton.
On BBC tonight another chance to see = We can't be arsed to put something new on. |
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Former model = once had an expensive photo shoot.
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He'll be disappointed with that=you useless ****.
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Journeyman = should have taken his City & Guilds Level 3
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Nothing personal = Yes, it is personal
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Russell Brand is a c*nt = Russell Brand is a c*nt
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I'm not sure we have a clear winner yet ...
leggy blonde = looks like Champion the wonder horse (Champion the wonder horse ... like a streak of lightning flashing cross the sky, etc - you know the rest) deeply religious = believes in Father Christmas professional gambler = logs on to Betfair at work I'm (no not mememe)trapped in a woman's body = todger got stuck |
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My computer is full of viruses = I'm a fukcing pervert!
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You must come for dinner = I hope I never see your ugly mug again
I'll bear it in mind = fack off it's clearly a sh!t idea |
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I'm just gonna send a quick email = See you in about an hour!
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I don't mean to disrespect you = I'm just about to disrespect you.
I'll see what I can do = If I do anything, which I probably won't, it will be **** all This tastes really good = I was expecting this to taste awful and am relieved it's half decent I'll be there in half an hour = I'll be there in an hour I might see you there = I'm not going You look really good in that = I'm hoping to cop off with you tonight I'm really busy = You better help me you lazy fecker Have you seen the car/door keys = Where have you hidden them this time |
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Some from my wife this week:
Hello = fack off bye = fack off |
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Leave it = your a lazy facker, don't bother with your token help, I'll get round to it
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Site Upgrade = Slower but shiny.
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Revised Fares = Fares have gone up
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Go if you want to (by woman) = But boy will you pay for it later
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