HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED NO ONE WALKS ABOUT WITH AN UMBRELLA ON BOARD A BOAT

I BET NOT MANY PEOPLE REALISE THAT

YOU TRY AND REMEMBER THE LAST WAR FILM YOU EVER SAW WHERE IT WAS RAINING AND YOU SAW ANYONE ON BOARD A SHIP CARRYING AN UMBRELLA

EVEN THE SAILORS ON THE BISMARK NEVER CARRIED AN UMBRELLA WHEN IT WAS RAINING

Have you ever seen an ashtray on a motorbike?

IM SURE THEY WOULD HAVE AT LEAST BEEN ABLE TO USE ONE ,WHEN THEY WASNT ON DUTY ON BOARD THE SHIP

I DONT GO ON MOTORBIKES ANYMORE  EVER SINCE SOME ONE TOLD ME OFF FOR GRIPPING THEIR WAIST TOO TIGHT

IVE SEEN THEM FISHERMEN ON BOARD DECK WHEN ITS ABSOLUTLY POURING DOWN IN ICELANDIC WATERS,AND NOT ONE OF THEM IS USEING AN UMBRELLA,MY MAM WONT LET ME EVEN GO TO THE LOCAL SHOPS WITHOUT AN UMBRELLA IF THERES THE SIGN OF A CLOUD IN THE SKY

I KNOW THEM FISHERMEN NEED TO PULL THE NETS UP BUT ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS ASK ONE OF THEIR FRIENDS TO HOLD IT WHILE THEY PULL IT UP

I WOULD RATHER LOOK A SISSY THAN GET WET,

IM NOT BOTHERED WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK WHEN I WEAR MY EAR MUFFS IN WINTER,ESPECIALLY THEM THAT LOOK AT ME ODDLY WHEN IM SAT IN THE LIBARY WEARING THEM,ONCE SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING TO ME ,BUT I COULDNT HEAR THEM

Have you noticed that football managers never use an umbrella?

THEY DONT BOTHER ME,IF I WANT TO WEAR FLIP FLOPS I WILL,AND ILL WEAR SOCKS WITH THEM IF I WANT

THEY DO NICK BUT NOT ON BOARD SHIPS

HARRY REDNAPP DOES MANY A TIME ,HE ONCE WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT DOWN WHEN IT STOPPED RAINING WHEN HE WAS IN THE DRESSING ROOM

[img]http://images.onesite.com/community.betfair.com/user/scandanavian_haven...

YOU NEVER DO YOU

YOUR GREEN WITH ENVY

AND STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT

HAVE YOU SEEN THE SHAPE OF YOUR BELLY YOU WANT TO JOIN A GYM AND WORK OUT

AND I DONT WANT TO WORRY YOU ,BUT YOUR EYES LOOK A FUNNY COLOUR TO ME

MY EYES NEVER WENT LIKE THAT EVEN WHEN I WENT WITH DIRTY GIRTY

YOUVE GOT SPOTS ON YOUR BELLY ,YOUVE NOT BEEN TO MAGALUFF WITH THEM DIRTY GIRLS HAVE YOU

DONT GO HOME TO YOUR MOTHER LOOKING LIKE THAT ,OR SHELL HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY

AND SEE A CHIROPODIST WITH THEM FEET

HURRY NOW BEFORE YOU CROAK

AND STAY OFF THE CRICKETS UNTILL YOU LOOK A LITTLE BETTER
FORGET THE OLD WIFES TALE A CRICKET A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY,
DARWIN SAID THEY WILL GIVE YOU DIAREAR

Was going to post on here DwD but sent you a PM instead......

DEAR AUNTY POST,IVE RED YOUR PERSONEL MESSAGE ,AND IV GOT IN TOUCH WITH A A AND THEVE ADVISED ME TO TELL YOU TO RING THEM AND THEY WILL SEND SOMEONE ROUND TO SEE YOU ,BUT IN THE MEANTIME TRY AND DRESS YOUR SELF AND HAVE A WASH

LET TODAY BE A FRESH START ,NO LONGER WILL THE BOTTLE HAVE TO RULE YOU

YOU RULE THE BOTTLE,AND LETS HOPE THE RED BLOTCHES ON YOUR FACE SOON FADE AWAY ,IF NOT FOR YOU BUT YOUR PARTNERS SAKE AT LEAST

NO MORE WILL YOU BE UPSET ,WHEN YOUR PARTNER SAYS GET OVER ONTO YOUR OWN SIDE OF THE BED YOU STINK OF ALCOHOL

NO MORE WILL YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING A BAN FOR DRINK DRIVEING ,IF YOU DONT DRINK

NO MORE WILL YOU HAVE ROWS WHEN YOU WANT TO GO TO THE PUB,BUT IT MUST BE REMEMBERED THERE WILL STILL BE ROWS OVER YOU GOING GAMBLING

NO MORE HEADACHES WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING ,UNLESS YOUR PARNERS TOLD YOU TO PUT THE WHEELY BINS OUT AND YOUVE FORGOT AND SHES NOTICED

NO MORE WORRYING ABOUT MONEY FOR DRINK,YOU CAN PUT ALL YOUR ENERGY INTO WORRYING ABOUT MONEY FOR GAMBLING

YOU MAY SAY WHY HAS DO WAH DIDDY PUT THIS THREAD UP WHEN I PERSONEL MESSAGED HIM ,WELL I SAY BE LIKE ELTON JOHN WHEN HE CAME OUT ,LET THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW AND THEN YOU DONT HAVE TO HAVE  WOMEN GROUPIES FOLLOWING YOU WANTING SEX

IF YOU DECIDE YOU WANT TO GO TO AN A A MEETING DONT WORRY NO ONE WILL LOOK AT YOU AS THOUGH YOUR A DRUNK ,EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE ,THEY WILL COMFORT YOU WITH SEVERAL CUPS OF TEA AND BISCUITS ,IF THE TEA PERSONS TURNED UP ,AND IF ANYONES  OTHERED TO BRING SOME BISCUITS

I WILL HAVE TO GO NOW AS MY PERSONAL MESSAGES ARE BUILDING UP ,THERES LOADS WHO NEED MY HELP ,BUT THEVE ALL STRESSED ME FOR CONFEENTIDALITY,AS YOU DIDNT IM USEING YOU AS A GUINEA PIG,IF IM NOT SUCCESFULL WITH TREATING YOU DONT WORRY THERES LOADS MORE THAT NEED HELP ON HERE AND ILL TRY SOMETHING ELSE WITHNTHEM

PS WHAT A LOT OF FORMITES DONT REALISE ,IS THAT ALOT OF THE FORMITES THAT HAVE LEFT ARE NOW IN MY CARE SINCE THEY PERSONAL MESSAGED ME ,AND EVEN THOUGH MANY ARE SKINT AND DEVORCED AND HOMELESS THEIR STILL MUCH HAPPIER THAN THEY WERE ,WITH ALL THAT PARRANOYA AND NONSENCE GOING AROUND IN THEIR HEAD

WE HAVE A SAYING IN DO WAH DIDDY LAND
THREE CHEERS FOR DO WAH

AP....an alcoholic....got to give it up now !

DONT WORRY ABOUT AP THE LEPERD IM A SPECIALIST IN PEOPLE LIKE HIM,IVE MET LOADS LIKE HIM,I USED TO IGNORE THEM UNTILL I REMEMBERED I  NEARLY GOT A CUB SCOUT BADGE FOR BEING A GOOD SAMARITAN,I ONLY FAILED THE TEST BECAUSE I WOULDNT HELP PEOPLE

BARLOO GAVE ME AN ARROW BAR AND TOLD ME NOT TO STUFF IT IN MY MOUTH ALL AT ONCE ,AND TOLD ME I MIGHT GET THE BADGE LATER IF I CHANGED MY WAYS

OUR KALER ONCE ASKED ME TO CARRY THE WOLF CUBS HEAD IN THE CHURCH WALKS PARADE,BUT I TOLD HER I DIDNT WANT THE CUBS TO BE SEEN AS AN EXTREEMIST GROUP

OUR KALER SAID YOU WONT BE SEEN AS A BAD PERSON CARRYING THE WOLF CUBS HEAD ,I SAID YOU TELL THAT TO A WOLF CUBS MOTHER

I LOVED BEING A WOLF CUB AND GREEN SUITED MY COMPLEXTION

Go on...

OUR KALER SAID I WAS A BORN LEADER UNTILL SHE ASKED ME TO GO AND GET HER A LOAF FROM THE   CORNER SHOP AND I GOT LOST

You have to be lost before you can be found !

SHE MADE ME GO WITH A GIRL GUIDE THE NEXT TIME SHE SENT ME TO THE CORNER SHOP,AND SHE GUIDED ME THERE AND BACK

No hanky panky, I hope !

I STILL GOT TOLD OFF ,SHE SAID SHE WANTED A SMALL LOAF AND NOT A LARGE LOAF,I TOLD HER STRAIGHT I HADNT JOINED THE CUB SCOUTS TO ARGUE OVER A SMALL AND LARGE LOAF ,ID JOINED THE CUBS TO FIGHT INDIANS LIKE BIG CHIEF SITTING BULL

NO THE LEPERD THERE WAS NO HANKY PANKY,BUT SHE DID TRY AND TAKE MY FOUNTAIN PEN OUT OF MY TOP PCT IN MY JACKET

Is that a euphamism?

I USE TO GO TO OUR KALERS HOUSE BEFORE EACH CUB SCOUT MEETING ,SHE USED TO SAY I WAS A LOVERLY LAD,IM GLAD SHE DIDNT SEE ME LATER IN LIFE AS AN ALCOHOLIC AND COMPULSIVE GAMBLER

I LOVED THE CUB SCOUTS,I WOULD HAVE JOINED THE SCOUTS IF BARLOO WOULD HAVE STOPPED SHOUTING AT ME FOR WIPEING MY NOSE ON MY SHIRT SLEEVE

SHE SAID YOUVE GOT AN HANKERCHIEF USE IT,I TOLD HER I WANTED TO KEEP THAT CLEAN FOR MY CHEWING GUM

BARLOO SAID YOUR MAMS GIVE YOU THAT HANKERCHIEF TO BLOW YOUR NOSE WITH ,NOT FOR USED CHEWING GUM ,SHE DIDNT LIKE IT WHEN I SAID HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING IN TO ME AND MY MAMS CONVERSATIONS

SHE TOLD ME TO STAND IN A CORNER WHILE ALL THE OTHER CUBS PLAYED GAMES,SHE SAID THERE THATS WHAT YOU GET SMART ARSE WHEN YOUR CHEEKY,I SAID THATS WHAT YOU GET FAT ARSE WHEN YOU EAT TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE

SHE SLAPPED ME THAT HARD TODAY SHE WOULD BE LOCKED UP AS A SAYDOE MASSAKIST ,YOU KNOW ONE OF THEM PEOPLE WHO HIT YOU FOR PLEASURE

I WOULDNT HAVE LET HER SEE ME CRY IF SHE HADNT HURT ME SO MUCH

SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO SEND MY MAM A LETTER,I SAID YOU DO AND ILL POST YOUR MAM A DEAD MOUSE

WERE FRIENDS NOW I SEE HER EVERY SUNDAY WHEN I VISIT THE CEMETARY TO SEE MY DAD AND HAVE A TALK TO HER ABOUT OLD TIMES ,I THINK SHE CAN HEAR ME BUT SHES 6 FEET UNDERGROUND SO I DONT REALLY KNOW

I TELL HER SHE WAS A NICE BARLOO ,ONLY BECAUSE I CROSS MY FINGERS BEHIND MY BACK

I don't think the spirit is confined to the graveyard....they can go anywhere.

WE HAD ONE OF THE BEST OUR KALERS IN THE WORLD SHE WAS GOOD AT USEING MAPS ,I THINK SHE EVEN MEMORISED THEM ,WE ALL WENT TO MORECAMBE ON THE COACH WITH THE CUBS FOR A DAY OUT AND SHE FOUND THE WAY THERE WITHOUT GETTING THE MAP OUT ONCE,

THE LEPERD IF I EVER GET ON STAGE YOU CAN BE MY HECKLER

YOU WILL HAVE TO GET OVER YOUR STAGE FRIEGHT FIRST,I REMEMBER WHEN YOU WAS SCARED OF ME INTERVIEWING YOU ON HERE ,I WOULDNT HAVE ASKED WHAT TYPE OF UNDERPANTS YOU WEAR ,HAVE A LITTLE FAITH IN ME PLEASE

DONT WORRY I WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO SHOUT,

DIDDY DO US AN IMPRESSION

NO YOU DO  US ONE OF THE INVISABLE MAN

I'm going to wash some dishes.

DIDDY YOUR STUPID .

NOT AS STUPID AS YOU , AT LEAST I DIDNT PAY TO COME AND WATCH YOU

DIDDY IM GOING TO WASH SOME DISHES
WHY HAVE YOU NOT GOT ENOUGH TO PAY YOUR ADMITANCE

THE LEPERD YOULL HAVE TO STICK WITH THE SCRIPT ,BUT YOU CAN DO THE ODD AD LIB LIKE THE ONE,IM JUST GOING TO WASH  SOME DISHES NOW

SEE YOU LATER

I'm still washing the dishes.