Going soon ...

I'm easily pleased ...

My son has got off an ABH charge. That do ?!

I wont eat anyone - bar the odd Republican politician who has lost his/her way. 

Isn't it The Year of the Cat?  Or did I fall asleep?

Who hasn't got off ABH charges among us?

Hes 15 and very lucky bodil

I wasn't even charged and the pc was off work 2 days.

.. I wouldn't have touched him but he started it.

Thomas "Ingo" Jackson returned to Glasgow after serving eight years in England for a crime he didn't commit. That is not to say he wasn't a criminal, for he was a violent man and he was feared throughout Barnstaple, Exmouth and Tiverton, the so-called "BET TRIANGLE".

His parole officer was a beautiful upper class woman named Hettie Savage, the daughter of Sir Arthur Savage, who made his fortune selling baking powder in India. Ingo Jackson tried to behave like a gentleman in the company of Hettie Savage and they often met up in pubs where Ingo would pay for drinks, sandwiches and crisps. Ingo liked it when Hettie Savage would often tear open her crisp packet and invite him to select a few.

In fact, at such times, the Glaswegian gangster would often grunt and say, "Mmmm...Ingo LIKE!"

Other characters listed to appear in this story :

Leroi Dalton
Cynthia Smith-Mallard
Jeffrey "Peanut Butter" McAvoy
Derek Fulton
Vivien Platt
Heelie Watson
Flanders Cooper
Joe Unwin
Stanislaw the Pole.

Milton Garvey
Pamela La Grange
Zachary Plowright
Hayley Watts
Brian McParland
Fulton Derj
Rodney Kane
Flavia Mignoli

Ingo Jackson was jealous and annoyed when he realized that Hettie was seeing a rich estate agent named Joe Unwin. He tried to forget about it by filling his time with visits to the local gym, where he shed the excess pounds he had gained in jail. Standing six feet four inches in his socks, Ingo weighed over twenty stones on the day he left jail in March, yet by September he weighed less than fifteen stones...or so he thought. Ingo didn't know that the old bathroom scales he used were faulty ; his true weight was 15 st 3 lbs.

However much he worked out in the gym, Ingo couldn't get his mind off the problem he had with Joe Unwin and, in his mind, he resolved to hire a hit-man to rid himself of the present stubborn situation. Firstly, he thought of warning-off Unwin, but that could lead to a number of unforeseen problems. In the end, after many enquiries in Glasgow gangland circles, he decides to employ not just one hit-man but two - Heelie Watson and his 19 year old girlfriend, Hayley Watts, who also found work as a Page Three girl and glamour model under the pseudonym Pamela La Grange.

Now, whether Hayley Watts should be described as a "hit-man" or "hit-woman" is a moot point, but all-in-all it didn't really matter as she was a cold blooded psychopath, a young woman without remorse or humour. Even at the Flavia Mignoli Model Agency, the other girls avoided her like white Cadbury's chocolate buttons would avoid brown chocolate buttons if they had brains and were alive and enjoyed a similar level of intelligence to humans who were racist.

BY THE WAY - IF ANY OF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN INGO JACKSON'S DIET REGIME, MILTON GARVEY WILL BE SETTING UP A SPECIALIST WEBSITE AND YOU CAN JOIN FOR 20 EUROS OR THE EQUIVALENT IN UK POUNDS...EX-PRISONERS WILL BE ENTITLED TO A 25% DISCOUNT...FOR AN EXTRA ANNUAL PAYMENT OF 50 EUROS SUBSCRIBERS WILL BE SENT A PAPAYA AND MANGO WEIGHT LOSS SHAKE IN POWDERED FORM AND A HANDY BOOKLET SHOWING YOU HOW TO ENJOY CABBAGE, ENTITLED "HOW TO SERVE-UP CABBAGE 99 DIFFERENT WAYS" BY CYNTHIA SMITH-MALLARD.

ALSO, FORGOT TO MENTION THE FREE COMPANION VOLUME, "HOW TO DEAL WITH EXCESS GAS" BY FULTON DERJ, A LEADING SPECIALIST IN CLIMATE CHANGE FROM...CHICAGO...get it?

Well, Bodil, that is - what? - seven or eight postings in a row and I hope you will be entertained as we seek to take the story forward in a meaningful direction. I can tell you that the bit with Brian McParland is truly shocking. It is so ground-breaking that Betfair have issued me with a whole new platoon of some 60 emoticons in order to fully express the story in betting website parlance.

These...THESE are all redundant as soon as Brian McParland enters the fray.

These - - will be getting shunted away to charity shops all over the country, much like Dan Brown's sh1tty novels.

Brian McParland - remember that name - a man who makes Napoleon Bonaparte look like Gary Mabbutt, the ex-Spurs player.

Tremble...at least temporarily...for Brian McParland is...

.
http://www.getbucks.co.uk/news/local-news/missing-man-has-been-found-6539625

No, Bodil - he's not The Leopard FFS!!

I'll try that again...

"Tremble...at least temporarily...

Hold on - it will be better without the inverted commas :

Tremble...at least temporarily...for Brian McParland is...

i spend a lot of time in tivvy never heard of the nut job jock

Leopard - what the feck?? That is NOT the Brian McParland in the story FFS!! Now you have got me using these sh1tty old emoticons!

OK - I'm changing this character's name...he has joined the witness protection programme and gone to the same plastic surgeons as Renee Zellweger...Brian McParland is gone and is now called...........KLAYTON STUPENZA......Google that, Leopard, ya bassa!

Cap - I don't know what TIVVY is, but if it's jail, then you're entitled to a 25% discount on Milton Garvey's weight loss regime.

more like a life sentence
extra digits common
Tiverton

Ok, maybe you have done me a favour, Leopard - Brian McParland is quite a mundane name and KLAYTON STUPENZA sounds much more exciting...sounds like a proper villain...

Oh right...Tiverton...okay...sweet...there's only a 5% discount if you're from Tiverton or anywhere in the BET TRIANGLE, Cap......sorry......

wont botha now

Should just explain - for the sake of future clarity - that Scotch villains often discuss their dastardly raids on the BET TRIANGLE when they play poker on Friday nights...

OK, Cap - fair enough - can't blame you, really - but if the Milton Garvey Organization starts making exceptions for Tiverton people, then the Devon & Exeter mob will think they've gone soft and all hell will break loose.

Sorry Vel, missed all that - did you say anything important?

In truth, no. But you can't possibly be surprised at that, can you?

No.  But you know that I love you in a totally disinterested way.  As in not evenly close.

You've basically sussed me out here - you knew all along that I just transcribed an old episode of Charles Endell Esq.

I was going to add a science-fiction element but I didn't have time as I had to study the November Handicap at Doncaster.

Those old Sci-Fi magazines of the 1960s had a lot to account for. And failed beyond measure.

The November Handicap was a great disappointment.  Really.  Really great.

Not for me.

The November Handicap was good for you?

If you look at the SCARBOROUGH thread you'll see that me and Zilzal are pioneering a new type of informal tipping medium in which we talk utter sh1te for a couple of days, yet we somehow end up tipping loads of winners to level stakes profit. I pretend to be a bit whacky and Zilzal is the straight man.

We are hoping to attract long term subscribers from Scarborough, Brighton and so on - a sort of genteel clientele with a bit of disposable income. Zilzal is the real brains of the operation and we go a 60-40 split in his favour, except at Breeders' Cup time.

We have targeted Call Me a Taxi as our first sting. Don't tell him - he suspects NOTHING.

At first, we were hoping to attract loads of rich Greek people but the Flaxman Holdings people didn't bite and Irene Papas gave up gambling at approximately 11.45pm on Friday night.

I could be interested in that if I die choking on my own vomit. Which is pretty solid and then some.  We have to kill those way beyond our limited knowledge.   Whaddayakno - they were right!

Erm...I dunno...maybe...if you forward 10,000 Euros by St. Swithun's Day 2015, we'll let you join the Organization...we don't actually need the money -- it's the PRINCIPLE that really matters. We need to be sure of your loyalty.

I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is.

Are you a fat man, Bodil? We have a powdered papaya and mango drink that is very good for losing weight...it is full of aspartame but very effective.

On the run up to the hit on Joe Unwin, Heelie Watson and Hayley Watts had an argument at Stanislaw the Pole's Friday night poker mash-up in Slamannan.

Hayley Watts pulled a pocket bottle opener on Heelie - one of those jobs with a very sharp little dagger - and drove it straight into his left heel. She hit him so hard that the blade broke and stayed in his heel. The pain burned like molten papaya and mango in a turnip tinted volcano of agony.

This type of incident had happened to Heelie back in the Seventies, when he ran the young Airdrie mob out of town, hence his nickname, "Heelie", a name he disliked intensely. His actual birth name was Bernard John Davis Watson, and his parents were G.P.s from the rough part of Bearsden. Hayley followed up by smashing his right cheekbone with a pool ball she grabbed from the kids' table. She was spreading panic like a rabid pit-bull on the loose.

"Ya wee b1tch!" screamed Heelie, "You'll be feckin' sorry the morra...YA EVIL WEE B1TCH!"

Stanislaw and Ingo had to restrain Hayley Watts, who was pure dead raging and ready to finish off Heelie Watson...and not in a good way. Heelie was a big guy but Hayley had taken him down without fear or hesitation. Hayley was now immobile, tied to an IKEA dining chair.