What's the closest you've ever been to death ?

If in doubt run inside a building thats just had an explosion for safety

Fooking the wife.

I once had to sit through a Lord of the Rings film.

I did start reading one of CMAT's workplace anecdotes once but had to stop when the open window started calling out to me.

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Ken Masters   
23 Oct 14 12:28 
I did start reading one of CMAT's workplace anecdotes once but had to stop when the open window started calling out to me.


Try the post on this thread for size - posted at 14:24 yesterday. 

.
http://community.betfair.com/politics/go/thread/view/94150/30369999/did-you-know-that-its-racist-to-call-a-woman-a-man

A misfire
I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Jeeesus CMAT, a clearer-cut case of attempted murder I've yet to see, even Pistorius's judge would struggle to get you off on that one.

milkround while at school,helped local lad 18,i was 14

sat morn he decided to take shortcut electric milkfloat dual carriageway 3am

we just turned onto it,and a bus came over brow of hill,it braked but still hit us square behind,we shot forward,glass milk everywhere,bus came off worse

Ken Masters    23 Oct 14 13:26 
Jeeesus CMAT, a clearer-cut case of attempted murder I've yet to see, even Pistorius's judge would struggle to get you off on that one.

Idiot.

today is the closest i've ever been  -   another day nearer tomorrow i guess

Eating a pie from Iceland.

I've had nightmares where things are coming towards me and I'm completely paralysed, kind of with fear. That video reminds me of that for some reason. I think I sometimes fall down as well.

(Also I may be confusing dreams with a night on the sauce )

car bomb in belfast...................so true

did it detonate early?

did it detonate early?....fúck knows......all i know it was to close for comfort,must have been 50yards of it when it went off,

wasn't that badly injured.............dad a bit fúcked through

Getting washed out to sea in hawaii.

Yet you still cheer for the Ra on Irish match treads?  Most peculiar.

Yet you still cheer for the Ra on Irish match treads?  Most peculiar.....




mate that,s banter....i know the thread you are talking about...ffs get a life..a lot of us have moved on myself included..


and by the way it was a uvf  car bomb outside a pub....

Banter, cheering for the Ra?

whatever mate......

Just the other day. It was during one of Kweevens quizzes.

.......AKA.......

Torremolinos  1970, I jump in the deep end of the pool with a rubber ring on, I cannot swim, I hit the water, the rubber ring goes up & I go down, down to the bottom, I somehow managed to get back to the surface, I saw my parents sitting 50 yards away & started waving frantically towards them to grab their attention, this I managed & before I stopped waving & sank to the bottom again my mum ----    started to wave back
I remember reaching the bottom & the next thing I remember is my stomach being pumped out by the side of the pool, someone had spotted me unconscious on the swimming pool floor & rescued me, 44 years on I am still a non swimmer & I don't use a ring ring if I ever go in the water!

You still can`t swim? It`s simple. A 50 year old man with arm bands is comedy gold though Pumphol

I can't swim either.

ffs

On a pedalo in San Antonio completely wrecked, fell off and the pedalo drifted away. I had a mile swim back to the beach stoned out of my mind and was an even money chance.

CMAT & myself would have been 1000

I'm not a bad swimmer pumps, without the doobs it would have been a breeze but I really was struggling that day. Ye live and learn..

Nobody heard him, the dead man,   
But still he lay moaning
I was much further out than you thought   
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he’s dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,   
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always   
(Still the dead one lay moaning)   
I was much too far out all my life   
And not waving but drowning.

Female pilot, it was too late to get off when I found out.

jesus slippy that sounds scary man.

When a work mate was electrocuted and died, was about 4 foot from him and got a belt..................poor lad 30yrs ago seems like yesterday..

On holiday back in the seventies, went swimming in the sea Off Playa De Aro, Spain.
Had a mask and snorkel on, followed a friend out to a rock about 500 yds offshore which he'd explored the previous day and said it was covered in mussels, so we decided to go and collect some.
Some way out, around half way I reckon, I was busy looking down at the seabed and the fishes and I took a good gulp of air, but I took in a good lungs full of water. I looked up and I was about 4 feet under water, I had been swimming down instead of along the surface!
I tore the mask off and remembering my schooldays life saving instructions managed to get to the surface and cough as hard as I could.
I just floated there for a while until I could 'flap' my way back to the beach. I did this until my head literally hit the sand.

About 10 tears ago now,was driving my van early one icy morning(4am) lost it on a bend,went straight across the road and through a wooden fence into a field.All bumpy grass etc and when I came to a halt looke next to me and a 4ft wooden stake from the fence had come through the passenger window and gone right through the passenger seat.Just sat there and cryed,closest I ever came.

You'd need a stiff drink after that.

did you measure the stake or is that 4ft. just approx?

Crags, do you ever play nicely?

Vodka Redbull, you ever seen this video? Quite amazing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iO2meAhVQ5k
(Don't worry nobody dies!)

Slippy, don't be so precious

16, delivering pizzas on L plate moped, in a rush, failed to spot a give way t-junction in a residential area. didn't even slow down.

came out just as a car was passing. slammed the breaks, hit the very back of it, slid and fell off. minor injuries.

2 seconds earlier i would have been on the bonnet.

L plate mopeds crazy idea. teenager came out straight in front of me the other day. didn't even look. dead if i didn't brake.

*crossroad not a t-junction

You'd need a stiff drink after that.

did you measure the stake or is that 4ft. just approx?

Cycling down that steep hill outside Wincanton racecourse after racing. Had won two grand and feeling pleased with myself. Pedalling much too fast. Road bends right, unable to brake in time, went up the bank to my left and simply took off. The bike and I flew through the air for ten or twenty yards through a stream of fast-moving cars and lorries travelling in both directions. Incredibly landed on two wheels and carried on as though nothing had happened.

And I can confirm your life really does flash before your eyes.

You guys should learn to swim because it's the easiest thing in the world, all that really has to click is to realise that you'll float anyway if you don't flap about and panic.  Once that fact is confident in a person's mind they're soon merrily swimming around to their heart's content.

Babies can swim, they have no fear.

Swimming's like driving in my experience. Both utterly terrifying and quite impossible.

Fack swimming, keep away from water and there's no problem.

Well it is very moreish.

dubai were u close with theheroin?

U still dry bhoys ?

yeah

Out shooting with my brother on the quad bike; off-roading through a forest. Come to a "dead-end" blocked only by a very thin (almost twig-like) tree. Decided we'll just smash through it and it tips the bike. Brother managed to kick the bike forward, otherwise we would have been paralysed/killed by it falling on top off us.

Was on my road-bike and unusually had decided to nip into town on it to pick something up (unusual as I'm not the best bike-handler in traffic). I came to a junction where the road splits into three lanes, I needed the middle lane and as the left hand filter was on I knew that I would shortly be getting the green light, so decided not to unclip, just balance. Needless-to-say, I'd misjudged the time it would take to change and, as anyone who has ever fallen in this way will tell you, the first you know about it you're pretty much already down.
I fell into the left-hand filter lane and 'sensed' the bus rather than heard/see it. I sat bolt upright and the front wing brushed my back, the driver never even saw me and had I fallen a split second later I'd've been cut in half. There was a young lad on a moped next to me in my lane and he went into shock and started crying, all he could say was, "I thought you were dead" over and over again.
I was just embarrassed and jumped back on and fooked off sharpish, until about 10 minutes later when I had to have a sit down and a quiet word with myself.

well done bhoys

Second " brush " was while I was on Kibbutz in Israel back in 1981, we all had menial tasks to complete each morning &  I was on my way back from grapefruit picking & another guy was in a mini tractor coming down the hill, he was playing silly buggers & was swerving to the left & right but then lost control of the tractor that was heading straight for me, my life flashed in front of me as I started to leap to my right the tractor then jerked over to the right & like a goalkeeper that is going the wrong way from a shot but somehow manages to to change direction I somehow managed to fling myself in the other direction, I felt the tractor tearing past me & I still do not know how it missed me I  sustained no more than cuts & bruises, needless to say his tractor duties were taken off him.

Bloody Palestinians!

Eerrr no, he was from Peterborough

Do you keep in touch?

No

Had a tumours inside my spinal cord from c5 - c7 , needed a nine operation to save my life but was told I would prob lose the use of my limbs!!! Spent 11 months in hospital , had five more operations but thankfully lived to tell the tale , I have the use of all my limbs and have gone on to lead a normalish life.  Was a very lucky boy and I am so grateful to all the medical staff , my family and friends who defo saved my life

Well, if we're allowed seconds....
I broke my back playing Rugby aged 19 and had surgery the same day. At about 3am the following morning I awoke unable to breathe, this was in the days before all the fancy monitors. I pressed the emergency call button, but as you can imagine they're not rushing around on that shift. After what seemed an age and as I was starting to drift, a large black fella, strolled in, took out his stethoscope listened to my chest then got what looked like a knitting needle and drove it straight between my ribs and started blowing down it. Turned out my lung had collapsed, a couple more minutes and it'd've been Gustavo for me.
Third was getting taken off a dual carriageway at about 80mph by a car that was overtaking me and had a rear onside blowout. Hitting me kept him on the road, I went up the embankment, missing any amount of local large flora, before beginning to spin, making my way back down the embankment, smashing into the central reservation and coming to rest back on the road. The whole thing must've took under 5 seconds, it genuinely felt like a lifetime, I even had time to notice that my phone was bouncing round the cabin of the car and to think that it would probably be fooked! Car was barely recognisable, I didn't have a mark on me. Vorsprung Durch Technik

Desmond Orchard   
24 Oct 14 16:41 
A large black fella, strolled in, took out his stethoscope listened to my chest then got what looked like a knitting needle and drove it straight between my ribs and started blowing down it. Turned out my lung had collapsed, a couple more minutes and it'd've been Gustavo for me.

You're lucky I was passing by, I was there cleaning the toilets.

some of these r very scary indeed

I've been technically dead for 5 hrs

The thing i find scary about some of these things about being dead for minutes or watever is there ever a possibility if u died for days u cud waken up n ur burried alive?

I must have been about 7 or 8 when me and my brother started to climb rocks at burntisland,long story short but I found myself stuck on a ledge and started to panic and cry.

"The thing i find scary about some of these things about being dead for minutes or watever is there ever a possibility if u died for days u cud waken up n ur burried alive?"

People regularly "come to life" in morgues. And coffins have been dug up with scratching found on the *inside*. Sweet dreams :)

Not to mention this last year:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2491090/Man-buried-alive-Brazil-woman-visiting-cemetery.html

Once you are dead, you are dead.

There is no coming back from the dead.

Coming back is from 'almost' dead.

How about being Brain Dead.  Obviously its still posible to carry on posting on this forum while in this state.

I suppose apart from the obvious risks involved with major surgery, it would have to be one day that I went fishing on the Trent on my own. I decided to walk across the weir to reach an unfished spot, part way across it I went straight down this bloody hole and my waders filled up straight away pulling me down. It was only the basket on my back that stopped me going under, I struggled but managed to free myself from the waders and struggle out. Despite not being able to swim I never really panicked which probably helped but god knows how deep that hole must have been.

Thin and Crispy   
25 Oct 14 19:36 
How about being Brain Dead.  Obviously its still posible to carry on posting on this forum while in this state.

As you proved so ably.

Defo the last one by me, very early 1980's & was coming back on a clear evening down the mile end road, near Whitechapel, empty road around 11.00pm  doing around 40-45 I would have thought, I was on outside lane of two heading eastbound when my car hit something I remember feeling disorientated & the car landing more than crashing, when I regained my bearings I got out of my car & somehow I was parked against the kerb facing the opposite way I was going.
There were four of us in the car & I  went to the nearest phone box about 150 yards away & called my dad who said he would come as quickly as he could, I put the phone down & started walking to my car when I heard an almighty bang, I looked up & saw a car hit what I had hit 10 minutes earlier, it was a traffic Island which had been smashed to pieces & some of the Island had made its way into the road the car must have hit it & lost control, well this car must have been travelling at speed as it hit the traffic Island & the car took off what must have been 10 feet into the air, unlike my car the this small car did not reach the side of the road where I was but landed in the middle of the other side of the road, as it landed a car going really fast the other way ploughed straight into it, the car disintegrated, it ended up in two pieces about 100 yards apart, in between these two pieces were two men lying in the road, no part of the car was anywhere near them, in fact one was lying in the road & the other bloke was sitting on top of him moaning, within 10 seconds I was at the scene just looking in shock at what was an awful view, a girl in my car then ran up to me & went hysterical & I think within a minute an ambulance went passed & stopped as the London hospital was very close by, the road was closed off for hours, though they did let  my dad through put two new wheels on my car as they had basically been destroyed & drove home early sunday morning at about 10mph.

doing around 40-45

REPORTED
30 MPH LIMIT

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUSH

Ok Burton ,and the Barbel? Did you get any?

To answer the OP,

Having an operation in Ninewells two years ago to remove a tumour in ma heid.

year's - afore the grammar cops nab me

You were right the first time

do the "years" not belong to the "ago", crags?  Thereby making it "theirs"?

As a three year old my parents were told that I had but 48 hours to live. My parents hugged one another shaking with emotion. The Consultant said that he was sorry he could not give them any cause for hope. "No, another 48 hours we can cope with." said my father.
I had other plans.

We can all laugh and joke about death but at the end of the day, it's Jesus who looks after us.

FACT!

No, trilby22, not in my opinion.

Nice one, dunlaying

I take it you're referring to my grammar, as opposed to Jesus, crags?

Where's my Led Zep post gone ...

To both, really.

That's all right, crags!

A massive, red suspended sign once chased me round the neighbourhood. I think I got away with it.

Istanbul 2005 Champions league. A foreign bug.  10 days in hospital 3 months  off work, lost two stone and never been the same since !

no dunlaying I was after crucian carp at the time. I used to fish the river Dove for barbell as it was much cleaner although someone once told me that the barbel record was set in Burton in the mid 1900's.

Burton, I have caught many a Crucian but never a Barbel. I will Google "River Dove" immediately.

it's a lovely river m8 which I think starts somewhere in the Peak District. The legendary Izaak Walton used to fish it around that area, it is so clean and it also holds a good stock of brown trout and grayling.

What a lovely looking venue Burton. If I were younger and fitter I would give it a spin.