My dad has Dementia

So sorry dragon. It is a truly hideous thing. My Dad works with dementia patients every day. Some of the things he says are just so sad.

Sorry to hear Dragon.

I'm sorry to hear that TD. I've never had much dealings with it myself (luckily), but my sister in laws father has it, and he doesn't even know who she is. It must be truly heartbreaking.

my dad was such a great guy scored agoal in the kop end for :Liverpool boys great footballer, had his own business  great marriage 4 sons and now hes abusive to my mum, doesnt know his sons and in a place that is awful totally terible

we are living too long and the brain cannot cope

and the care home costs £650 per week, pre that he had to had private care at £1000 per week

all h-is monet gone in care costs

In such extreme cases, death would be so much fairer to everybody involved. All you can do is be there for your mum.

Death seriously ?

sad to hear dragon.
my gran had it but she was a happy sufferer....she forgot loads of stuff.
she would ask where her mother was etc....didnt know what to say..obviously she had died years ago.

hear storied of people who can get agressive or rebelious with the disease.
must be hard for the sufferers and families.

Sorry to hear that TG.

My elder sister suffered similar following a series of strokes.

She, and those around her, suffered four years of helplessness till we finally lost her to cancer.

Some years ago, on business, I met with a lady in her beautiful home. Outside, on a very cold day, was her husband just sweeping and sweeping,
with his nose dripping and getting nowhere.

She told me that was what he did every day. Then she showed me photographs of him in his RAF officers uniform.
A tall and handsome man reduced to what he was on that day.

Heartbreaking to see, but I found out that just a couple of months later he was gone!

Exactly the same as my dad, Dragon.

The irony is that once he'd finally gone into care he thrived for another seven years in that state until finally succumbing to a heart attack. My mum meanwhile, having finally been relieved of the burden of living with and caring for him in that state, died of leukaemia within a couple of years.

His only other relatives were a couple of brothers-in-law, who visited twice a year. Two of his friends visited once and clearly did not like what they found. So I visited every week or two for half an hour. It was pointless visiting more frequently or for longer, as he would just get agitated and I would just be doing my own head in and make matters worse. I never really got a grip on what I should do or say or how to react.

Bear in mind that his experience of the care home, however unpleasant it feels to you, will be very different. Time and space will have lost all meaning for him, with his brain unable to add context and no longer functioning beyond what's immediately before him.

So my advice, from my experience and in my circumstances, would be to steel yourself and limit visits and interaction to whatever feels reasonably comfortable for you. Don't start feeling guilty that you're not doing enough or should be "helping" in some way. If you get out of your comfort zone, you might find your presence becoming counter-productive.

But that's just me and my dad. You'll just have to find out what works for you. For both your sakes try not to get frustrated if that's not quick or straightforward.

...or even TD

My Dad has it ,but he still recognises me and my brothers, and i think he is as happy as can be expected, as Jockey says, sometimes I think it may be a way of coping with old age.
I would guess that half the people in his home have it, but I have more sympathy for the ones who dont have it, and are in there for physical reasons,
as they have too much time to reflect on their life, and know that they are just there waiting to die.

Sorry to hear this dragon, met many people with this illness in my work.

Dont think their is any solution myself, just parts of the body giving up as they normally would.

dad is 84 and mum 85 they are old and getting to the end but it still hurts

morale is enjoy life coz it soon goes

MadVlad 03 Oct 14 20:05 Joined: 23 Feb 12 | Topic/replies: 7,386 | Blogger: MadVlad's blog
Death seriously ?

Yes. Seriously.

If you think otherwise, I'd be astonished it you'd ever encountered anyone in this state.

Friends of ours, mother had it.  Her husband was looking after her for a long time but finally had to admit her into care.  He died of a heart attack 2 days later.

great ages though dragon.

On the plus side you could well annoy us for another 30 years

I had to go to visit my nan in the week, her 84th birthday on thursday. She is so sprightly i can still wind her up, she still gives back, made me smile, Grandad who is 80 ent so well.

But they have been on borrowed time for ages now, every year is a plus unless they are suffering.

Not judging,was a serious question.

Fair enough, Vlad.

On a lighter note, my Dad has recently told me things from his childhood that he didnt think worth telling me before, but now mentions as matter of fact.
He recently told me that as a 14 year old, he and his Dad pulled a Polish pilot out of a burning plane on their field (his Dad was a farmer), who had crash landed on route to the local airfield. Sadly the pilot died soon after.

remember popping round me nans one sunday afternoon and her old friend from school had been brought round by her career....she also had dementia.

we were all sitting down for tea n biscuits nattering away carers and all and my nans friend asks "do i know you?" to my nan....this is after they were laughing and chatting away lol.
my nan replies...."come to think of it who are you?".

i looked at my Aunt who looked after my nan and we had to hold ourselves back from laughing....they were both smiling away like cheshire cats lol

you have to remenber they wewre as young as us one day

moral is enjoy life

Indeed, and accept life when it ends.

so many of us tend to go that way with age, as well, hope I don't end up the same, but I fear I may. The saddest thing of all is looking at old photos of our dearest ones when they were younger.

my dad has this horrible thing as well,luckily still recognises all the family.
My mother has to watch him 24/7 now though,cant go anywhere on his home,so sad at times watching him almost just staring into space.
all in the space of three years,downhill all the way,could cry at times.

sad news dragon, keep ur spirits up

accept life before death, and then enjoy death

sorry to here that mate.....it's one bastárd of an illness........

Dragon I can only wish you & your family all the very best.

thanks for the kind wishes guys much appreciated, poor mum has bee to hell and back with it, so much she said she wd rather him have cancer than this

Not sure you would in all honesty td.

Cancer can take anyone at any age, you should look at the positives no matter how bad it seems now, he has at least made it to a decent age.

Cancer is a horrible end to someones life imho.

screaming from beneaththewaves     03 Oct 14 20:32 
MadVlad 03 Oct 14 20:05 Joined: 23 Feb 12 | Topic/replies: 7,386 | Blogger: MadVlad's blog
Death seriously ?

Yes. Seriously.

If you think otherwise, I'd be astonished it you'd ever encountered anyone in this state.



My Mother suffered horribly in a number of care homes, before she finally passed away. I could write a  book on her,and the way this terrible disease changed her completely, and the agonising effect it had on my Dad. Her death was a blessed relief, believe me.

Insidious disease - my mother had early onset dementia when in her late 40s - she lived (if you can described it as such) for several years and died in 1980 - my dad looked after her at home excepting the last few months as she fell & broke a leg and was in hospital - believe me her death was a release - there is no life when you don't even comprehend what is happening around you & you can't eat, clean or do anything without complete assistance

my sister died of cancer 3 years ago & that was also horrendous - you just hope you can enjoy life for as long as possible without major problems in terms of health worries - believe me if you have your health you have everything you will ever need

Agreed geordie.

Some very honest posts on here. It seems dementia hits many more people (directly or indirectly) than I thought.

wicked disease dad cant feed himself, toilet himself dress ,shave himself and so on, the worst part was/is his aggression and violence to mum after 57 years very happy marriage seems like a different person

he seems to be fading fast mum reckons he wont see the year out, now got a letter from the company who run the home he is in saying there have been safegaurding issues at the home ffs!!!

Tragic ,a close Friend of mines father was a sufferer it tore my friend apart to watch his father suffer, his father was only
in his 60s when it set in, even after his father passed away My friend was tortured by what had happened to his Dad ,sadly he
himself suffered heart failure aged 38, left behind a beautiful wife and 4 lovely children ,I honestly Believe it was the stress of watching his father over the years  that caused his own death I think it broke his heart ,he was a full of Life Character and is missed by Many ..

Although Not the same My Father suffered a massive Stroke 18 months Back ,he remained conscious and suffered a series of other strokes over the next 5 weeks ,at times he appeared to recognise us ,most of the time he didn't even know who he was himself .. Watched him get worse over the 5 week period Thankfully he passed away ,he had been a fit and agile man it would have been cruel for all had he survived..

Imo something needs to be done ,once total quality of Life has been lost ,people who end up in these dreadful Conditions
would not want to be a burden on the people they Love ...

Dignity is everything.

The saddest thing I have ever seen was the sight of an elderly woman having to be constantly reminded that she was at her husband's funeral.

I agree with Facts 100% When dignity goes it's just heartbreaking.

So sorry to read about your Dad The Dragon and similar tales from others. My Dad died at 59 after working all his life busting his balls to provide for Mum, 6 children any many other members of his family. He then got diagnosed with mesothelioa and went from an 18 stone bear to an empty shell who was begging at the end to be euthanised. It was just so desperately sad and unjust.

So very sorry to read this.

sorry to hear that slippy as forest said life is like a bx of choclates you never know what you are going to get

health is everything

very sorry to hear dragon and hope he is in a decent home , this government don't give a flying fook about anyone unless you are rich or in the "circle", and the nhs and pensioners will be firmly in their sights if they win the next election

Dreadful Slippy,not sure if you knew Grant slippy, regular Don Goer, that's the person I'm referring to regarding His father..
Absolutely tragic outcome I am convinced what he went through with his father took its toll on him he would visit his father nearly every day
even though his dad didn't know who he was, went on for a couple of years ...

He is now in the Same Grave ...


Dreadful the effect Illness can have on the friends and family of there Loved ones ...

horrible cruel disease for everyone,and i agree dragon,enjoy life while you can!!

Agreed that it is very important to appreciate life even with its challenges. Because soon enough it will be all over.

But also not to worry too much about death, it is just the cycle of life.

I would advise visiting anyone you care for in a care home.I have noticed that people who get visits seem to be better dressed and kept smarter.Also because you are paying above average does not mean your care will be above average.I feel for all the poor victims of dementia.

I'm sorry to read this about your Dad.

My thoughts (and prayers) are with him and your family.

My thoughts are with you Dragon..

I was in hospital next to someone with brain damage once. I'd never seen such a pathetic excuse for a human being. Then his friends popped by - some of them with problems of their own - and I saw the joy they got out of seeing him/ the human element. Changed my outlook a little bit. Still think it's a fate worse than death though (to be without your wits that is).

just posted this on the pub thread


www.maxsportschannels.com/horse-racing/owner-breeder-fipke-pledges-9-1m-to-alzheimers-research/#.VDCIFmddXVo

Add me to this list.
My precious mum is 92.5 and cannot be left alone for a moment.
My brother (single and retired psychiatrist) stays with her 3 weeks of 4 - I give him a break every fourth week.
FORTUNATELY Mum is still able to take care of her own toileting and dressing needs but anything else is beyond her. eg when she wants the toilet she may well go to the dining room or back-door in error etc. I have found her in the (unused) front room unable to find her way back out of it.. in the dining room stuck behind the table and lost etc.
The stories I could tell are very numerous and can be quite unpleasant.. for example things she says not realising she's speaking aloud and in company. She's also blind and 'hard-of-hearing'.
She talks all night long or operates her talking clock - sometimes every few minutes. I don't get a full night sleep ever in those weeks.
I come home totally drained, frustrated, exasperated and exhausted and worst of all.. DREADING having to go again in a few weeks time ; which in turn makes me ashamed of myself! It's grim :(

If ever anyone needs a reality check about the annoying trivial things in their lives then reading this thread and stories like Ivor's Mum certainly does the trick. I actually started welling up there Ivor.

. I could relate a lot more examples - but not sure they are required.
Thanks SlippyBlue - you are an empathetic and kindly person.

The daily moans and groans we all have pale into insignificance after reading this....
I hope those who are affected can find the strength to cope.................

I'm a lucky man by the looks of things, nobody in our family had it.

My paternal grandparents were 65 and 81 when they died, Mrs CMATs grandparents were 81, 82 and 92 when they died. My dad was 55, almost 56, died the same year as my grandad (1977).

All mentally competent.   

Commiserations to those whose families have members that are suffering because of it.

My mum died in June. She was 92 and suffered from dementia and the physical crippling results of a stroke. I hated visiting her and if I could have devised a satisfactory method of killing her I would have done.She was a parody of the person she used to be and would have spat at me with venom for dumping her in a home if she understood where she was. Thankfully her moments of clarity were few and far between and forgotten within seconds.

The visits were horrific for me Dobbo, Dad just wanted me to go as he didn't want me to see him in such distress, he was fairly compos mentis despite all the drugs. To the very end he was trying to protect me and his family from his horror. We have had this conversation before Dobbo, if there was a button to press at his bedside to end his pain I would have pressed it, absolutely no question about that.

This is a problem for all of us. First our parents and then our wives/husbands/brothers/sisters and there is no system in place to deal with it.No one wants to end up not knowing if their visitor is a daughter or a fellow patient or a nurse or cleaner but its what we face without sensible legislation on assisted dying.My wife and I have done a deal that will hopefully result in us dying on the same day but you never know how fate will strike you down and leave you incapable of influencing events.

ethunasia should definatley be legalised

ive never come across this in my family, sounds very bad indeed