Favourite quotes from family members.....

"I've got a nice pear" My nana.

my mum used to say to me and my brother as kids "don't wear your coat indoors before going out as you wont feel the benefit of it "

Walking out the cemetery following a funeral, an older relative was almost in a state of collapse and was leaning on a headstone for support. My brother said to him, "Is it worthwhile you going home"!

"i don't approve of that on the worktop"

when I was a young lad my dad told me to eat as much lettuce as possible as it is very good for your eyesight. I  asked him how that was possible. well said my dad, when was the last time you saw a tortoise wearing a pair of glasses....

mac

"have you got any of that bombastic vinegar?"

my mother via blade runner

Who are The Sex Pistons?

My mum at the height of punk.

Watching an episode of The Professionals, where Bodie and Doyle were doing the usual stuff, i.e. leaping over burning cars, dodging bullets in mid air and shooting all the bad guys, I was laughing hysterically yelling, "What a load of bollocks" and my sister said, "No it`s not, that stuff goes on all the time in MFI"!!

I shouldn't laugh but whilst my wife isn't confined she does often use a wheelchair to get about. Watching the football a cross came in and somebody failed to stick the nut on the ball and stick it in the net. Everybody in the room jumped up with much cursing of the offending striker to which she told us not to be so harsh as she wouldn't have got her head to the ball either.

@ your missus Eeternaloptimist.

After my sister husband died I asked my mum on the phone how my sister was coping.She said she was getting a lot of help from this woman from Crewe who visited a few times a week.(my sister lives in Essex).
It turns out my sister was being helped by CRUSE a bereavement counselling charity.

You think that's bad slippy. We were watching a Liverpool match back in the latish 80's I think and I can't remember the exact name of who the player was but I think it may have been Rush.  I remember that Grobbelar was playing in goal and she said I don't rate that Ian Rush. Given she's known for such pearls a hush descended and an almost imperceptible collective leaning forward occured as the afficionados awaited her verdict.

Why's that I said? Virtually trembling with expectant glee?

Her reply?

He rushes off his line too much.

But that's Grobbelar I said incredulous.

Is it? She said. It certainly looks like Rush.

Why's that I said?

It's definitely the moustache she said.

From memory this being Liverpool in the 80's I'd guess half the team had moustaches.

And I don't think a blind dog would have mistaken Rush/ Souness or whoever for Grobbelar.

I mind Rush failed at Juventus because of homesick and returned to UK. When asked why he couldn`t settle, he replied, "It was like living in a foreign country"!

I remember that. Almost Gazza like in it's briliance.

Who was the player that said he would like to try his luck in Spain one day, maybe at Milan.

Billy Whitehurst?

One Christmas Day my nan was round our house watching Dame Edna Everage on tv who was regaling stories of her late husband(my grandad had died
14 previously) "Oh" my nan says "Has she lost her husband aswell".Seem to recall what I replied was not very sympathetic.

14 months previously.

Was walking my daughter to school(then aged 4)and explaining the importance of crossing the road safely.Mentioned the fact that I had been mowed down by a Ford Granada when I was 13 she innocently asked "Daddy ? were you killed?".

From my mum whenever she was at mine for a meal......"It's been very nice.....so far"!

My other nan back in the 80s was a big fan of snooker/darts on tv but had a particular dislike for John Lowe.Couldnt for years work out why,
until she explained that she didnt like the fact he was continually taking pills/tablets throughout every match.He was actually licking his
fingers to grip the darts.

A few years ago before the word pu**y widely meant what it does now - it used to mean a cat for younger readers - my wife said to the the man next door (about our  cat) "look at my lovely ****" or words to that effect.  I had to explain the other meaning to her afterwards.
After that he often momwed the lawn, washed our car, cleaned our windows.

Eeternaloptimist 08 Aug 14 01:18
Who are The Sex Pistons?

My mum at the height of punk

Think your mum would have had a soul-mate in a relative of mine who thought that one of their most famous tracks was "Pretty Bacon"!

I think this one was from my dad
When in a happy hour in a pub "The more you drink, the more you save"

When a Poirot episode was starting, by brother said "Who is this POYROT?"
nice pronunciation bruv!

Many years ago, when the family were young and I was ambitious (pre Betfair) we bought a new house and it was really going to stretch us financially.  It was August/September time, and my wife came home one day with Christmas presents for the kids. She said "I got them now because when we've moved we might not be able to afford them as money will be tighter".
I still love her to bits.

I've told these before on Betfair but my missus has came up with too many to mention.

We were driving past an airport and a plane flew overhead. "I wish I was on that now" she said, "It's coming in to land you silly cow" I replied.

We got Virgin media box where you can pause live footy. "What will the players do when we pause it?"

She gives me a laugh once a day

Mrs Gin once said to me "this bra is getting on my tits!"

My youngest brother doesn`t gamble or follow football but wanted a tip for midweek European cups. Stick your lot on Schalke @ Evs, they are the biggest certainties ever. Looking at the coupon with some studious thought, he then replies, "I couldn`t put the lot on a team getting beat 0-4 from the first leg"!

"The Stone Roses are alright." from my dad, said in such a tone that he could put up with them. So dad, so much for them then!!!

Look at that bird up there
It's a kite
no no I'm sure it's a bird

Stop sniffing your mums knickers - a classic in our house

Well if we are descending to that level I can't top that one but, I'm sick of washing spunk off your sheets you dirty little bugger and don't think I don't know about those magazines under your mattress, must run it fairy close.

Magazines??? Did you not have a vivid imagination Eeternaloptimist???

my 3 year old puts me right all the time. Me earlier - "Two things that plants need to grow, water and sunlight" Her - Don't forget plant seed daddy.

'Scruffy bastards, won't last 5 minutes.' - My dads view of the Rolling Stones.



'What a bunch of tuneless fackers.' - My uncle Jack after turning down the chance to manage Slade when they were a skinhead group.

Are you kidding Bandit? Those were different times. First time I saw a girl naked I was flummoxed that I couldn't find any staples anywhere.

Nope, Dad was not a fan obviously. Besides the staples were on the v****a in my day...!!!

my missus frequently says "i know for a fact you have probably been down the pub "

My sister, who sometimes isnt the brightest, was getting annoyed as I was taking the p1ss out of something stupid she'd said, came back with the reply,

" Well someone like you would understand would you with your mentability"!

" My what sorry?"!

My Mum walked into the room half an hour into the 2001 FA cup final between Liverpool and Arsenal

"Have Leeds scored yet"?

"Er not yet Mum, no".

My uncle got rid of his girlfriend from yorkshire. One night, she started yelling we've won lottery, we've won lottery. He said how much, she replied no, i won the raffle, we've won a dog called lottie, ray.

Being called an "ugly prick" by my identical twin brother