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06 Jun 14
01:51
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10 Jan 12
Speedway with the Krankies
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Jam, Jerusalem ...and John Stuart Mill.
Polymath and 'go to' Idiot-Savant for our days, Joey Barton investigates the philosophical underpinnings of the Women's Institute.
Polymath and 'go to' Idiot-Savant for our days, Joey Barton investigates the philosophical underpinnings of the Women's Institute.
Yes - but in a post-modern, ironic, Nietzschean kind of way
Archery on rollerskates with Arthur Mullard and Angela Lansbury
Convicted murderers interviewed by the next of kin of their victims.
Subjects under discussion will include the latest celebrity news, sport and fashion.
Subjects under discussion will include the latest celebrity news, sport and fashion.
Think Angela is going strong, but Arthur slid off in 1995.
Not to say there is no merit in the suggestion though.
Not to say there is no merit in the suggestion though.
The Great British Face/Off
Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood have their faces surgically transposed and are pitted against one another in a bitter fight to the death in a disused airport, say, Luton. With hilarious consequences.
Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood have their faces surgically transposed and are pitted against one another in a bitter fight to the death in a disused airport, say, Luton. With hilarious consequences.
surely a celebrity cheese smelling competition would be ideal for tv?
On the radio . . . .
"Home Service"
A recording of people in their own homes, listening to the radio.
"Home Service"
A recording of people in their own homes, listening to the radio.
"Corden a trap"
James Corden trying to escape from various life threatening traps suggested by the public.
James Corden trying to escape from various life threatening traps suggested by the public.
A History of Breath Mints : How have they changed and what does the future hold.
A German-based laundry sitcom to be called Eins Zwei Drei Cleaners
"Facts and Fibs" - a sitcom to rival 'Citizen Khan'.
Theme : A delusional luvvie living in a quiet peaceful English village tries to keep up the pretence that he has taken in Syrian Refugees, as it's 'the only moral and humanitarian thing to do'.
The Peace-Loving Visitors are naturally never actually seen or heard but this does not stop the luvvie trying to make the rest of the community adapt into making their environment more pleasing to the incomers.
In Episode 1 the luvvie provides burqas for every attendee at the Women's Institute. The episode ends with one of them unceremoniously putting a house brick through his window, but to his distress the culprit was wearing a burqa and can't be identified.
Much to everyone's surprise the incident is reported on a BBC website, though they fail to issue the public with a description of the miscreant, as it would surely destroy 'Community Cohesion'.
Any other episodes in the pipeline?
Theme : A delusional luvvie living in a quiet peaceful English village tries to keep up the pretence that he has taken in Syrian Refugees, as it's 'the only moral and humanitarian thing to do'.
The Peace-Loving Visitors are naturally never actually seen or heard but this does not stop the luvvie trying to make the rest of the community adapt into making their environment more pleasing to the incomers.
In Episode 1 the luvvie provides burqas for every attendee at the Women's Institute. The episode ends with one of them unceremoniously putting a house brick through his window, but to his distress the culprit was wearing a burqa and can't be identified.
Much to everyone's surprise the incident is reported on a BBC website, though they fail to issue the public with a description of the miscreant, as it would surely destroy 'Community Cohesion'.
Any other episodes in the pipeline?
Tipsy and Tom
Adult spin-off of the CBeebies programme "Topsy and Tim" featuring their parents, a chronic alcoholic and the prostitute he managed to impregnate.
Adult spin-off of the CBeebies programme "Topsy and Tim" featuring their parents, a chronic alcoholic and the prostitute he managed to impregnate.
Cash in the Attic
Tennis player Pat Cash hids in the attic of teetotal celebrities houses and while they are sleeping he drops a whiskey soaked string down from the attic to try and get a drop of whiskey in to the celebrities mouth, ( like the scene from You only live twice when they tried to poison James Bond the same way.)
Tennis player Pat Cash hids in the attic of teetotal celebrities houses and while they are sleeping he drops a whiskey soaked string down from the attic to try and get a drop of whiskey in to the celebrities mouth, ( like the scene from You only live twice when they tried to poison James Bond the same way.)
Have You Seen The Size Of My Bill!
Restaurant review series with Bernie Clifton and his comedy ostrich.
Week 1 "Le Manoir aux Quackre Saisons": Stand by for some three-star laughter as Bernie and chum bump into Egon Ronay and his new assistant Orville the duck. Watch out for the scene where Ronay orders chicken, and in walks Norman Collier!
Restaurant review series with Bernie Clifton and his comedy ostrich.
Week 1 "Le Manoir aux Quackre Saisons": Stand by for some three-star laughter as Bernie and chum bump into Egon Ronay and his new assistant Orville the duck. Watch out for the scene where Ronay orders chicken, and in walks Norman Collier!
Blakey’s Severn – Join the actor the late Stephen Lewis as he explores Britain’s longest river in a rubber dinghy.
Britain's Got Talent.
Fiendishly difficult light entertainment quiz game where contestants are sent off to Aintree on Ladies Day in the pursuit of a vaguely attractive woman.
Fiendishly difficult light entertainment quiz game where contestants are sent off to Aintree on Ladies Day in the pursuit of a vaguely attractive woman.
'Not So Fking Clever Now, Are We?'
In which zeitgeist-busting figures from the 60's and 70's, who told us all how it was going to be back in the day, are ruthlessly picked apart now they are in the grip of Alzheimers, ending with the final Granville Jenner-style confrontation about their sexual misdeeds from way back when (made up, if you like, since the superannuated old f@rts are hardly likely to sue)
In which zeitgeist-busting figures from the 60's and 70's, who told us all how it was going to be back in the day, are ruthlessly picked apart now they are in the grip of Alzheimers, ending with the final Granville Jenner-style confrontation about their sexual misdeeds from way back when (made up, if you like, since the superannuated old f@rts are hardly likely to sue)
"Watts The Going Rate?"
Chit Chat's favourite serial Marrier Queenie Watts goes to Las Vegas and meets three prospective new husbands each episode. They all put bids in for her fair hand in marriage, and at the end of the episode we see her walk up the aisle to exchange vows, before getting a quickie divorce in time for the next episode.
Chit Chat's favourite serial Marrier Queenie Watts goes to Las Vegas and meets three prospective new husbands each episode. They all put bids in for her fair hand in marriage, and at the end of the episode we see her walk up the aisle to exchange vows, before getting a quickie divorce in time for the next episode.
Great stuff all round, chit chat demands more. Something with Bill Oddie perhaps.
No problem!
'Bill Oddies Bodies'
In which the Police try to fit up the cuddly (though, rumour has it, irascible and egotistical) funny-man with a series of murders, with the bigger the mass-murder they can pin on him, the more money goes to some rsole fking cnt charity.
With the payoff being 'If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this show - THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS YOU WEREN'T LIVING IN POL POT'S CAMBODIA WHER THEY SLAUGHTERED THE MIDDLE CLASSES WHOLESALE!!! Now, take some 'man-up' pills and get over yourself!'
'Bill Oddies Bodies'
In which the Police try to fit up the cuddly (though, rumour has it, irascible and egotistical) funny-man with a series of murders, with the bigger the mass-murder they can pin on him, the more money goes to some rsole fking cnt charity.
With the payoff being 'If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this show - THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS YOU WEREN'T LIVING IN POL POT'S CAMBODIA WHER THEY SLAUGHTERED THE MIDDLE CLASSES WHOLESALE!!! Now, take some 'man-up' pills and get over yourself!'
"Wilf's MILFs"
Every week the late Wilfred Hyde White is given £1000 to go on a date with three MILFs, the problem being that two of them are Pretendy Women but a lot more convincing looking than Newsnight's very own Frank Baloney.
The only rules are that Wilfred has to get absolutely paralytic but can choose only one to go home with. (The other two get a night in the Dorch with his pal Rpbert Morley). Week after week as the closing credits roll, the show ends with the sight of Wilfred giving and getting it up the wrong 'un with a great big **** off "I don't ****ing care pal" look on his face.
Every week the late Wilfred Hyde White is given £1000 to go on a date with three MILFs, the problem being that two of them are Pretendy Women but a lot more convincing looking than Newsnight's very own Frank Baloney.
The only rules are that Wilfred has to get absolutely paralytic but can choose only one to go home with. (The other two get a night in the Dorch with his pal Rpbert Morley). Week after week as the closing credits roll, the show ends with the sight of Wilfred giving and getting it up the wrong 'un with a great big **** off "I don't ****ing care pal" look on his face.
Celebrity Rollerskate Hunt :- Various celebrities on rollerskates are pursued by Ray Mears, Bear Grylls and a group of heavily armed viewers who want to vent their anger at the D listers frantic attempt to escape.
Big fan of your work here al!
A suggestion if I may?
Substitute convicted cottager and well-known balloon-knot fetishist Wilfred Bramble (old man Steptoe) as the Wilf in question.
Bit more of a challenge? Just my 2 Euros worth.
A suggestion if I may?
Substitute convicted cottager and well-known balloon-knot fetishist Wilfred Bramble (old man Steptoe) as the Wilf in question.
Bit more of a challenge? Just my 2 Euros worth.
Mutual Admiration Society here too Roger.
Sorry, but Wilfred Hyde White is a RED-LINE issue for me.
BTW, if you can bear it, I've documented various other imaginary Wilfred and Morley adventures on here, which no doubt persistent Googling might uncover, or some basic forum searches. Many set at the Arc de Triomphe race.
Sorry, but Wilfred Hyde White is a RED-LINE issue for me.
BTW, if you can bear it, I've documented various other imaginary Wilfred and Morley adventures on here, which no doubt persistent Googling might uncover, or some basic forum searches. Many set at the Arc de Triomphe race.
A New Wife In The Sun.
Each week a British man with 200k travels to a European holiday destination to take part in what is basically Blind Date with a fast track to marriage, in the sun.
The Brit has 24 hours to decide if he will marry a local lady with original features. If presenter Sara Damergi can manage to knock 20k off the winning contestants family's asking price, various cosmetic improvements will be made to the new European wife.
Each week a British man with 200k travels to a European holiday destination to take part in what is basically Blind Date with a fast track to marriage, in the sun.
The Brit has 24 hours to decide if he will marry a local lady with original features. If presenter Sara Damergi can manage to knock 20k off the winning contestants family's asking price, various cosmetic improvements will be made to the new European wife.
"Baker's Dozen"
A 13 part series in which a vastly over-rated 'broadcaster' goes to work for a different business every week.
Will he manage to make it through ANY of the 30 minute episodes before deciding his employers just aren't respecting his "award-winning" massive talent, his unparalleled comedy skill and his giant intellect, before parting "by mutual agreement".
A 13 part series in which a vastly over-rated 'broadcaster' goes to work for a different business every week.
Will he manage to make it through ANY of the 30 minute episodes before deciding his employers just aren't respecting his "award-winning" massive talent, his unparalleled comedy skill and his giant intellect, before parting "by mutual agreement".
Multi Culture Swap Shop with Nool Ejdmons and Keith Chegwinski
Bum Fun with Rachel Riley
The Countdown numbers girl takes us on a journey back to pre war America, to uncover the sub culture of the hobo.
Rachel interviews surviving 'men of the road' who have many a tale to tell of the harsh life they experienced, while sharing numerous hilarious anecdotes.
The Countdown numbers girl takes us on a journey back to pre war America, to uncover the sub culture of the hobo.
Rachel interviews surviving 'men of the road' who have many a tale to tell of the harsh life they experienced, while sharing numerous hilarious anecdotes.
Cut and Run
Weekly fun filled challenge live from Bradford.
For a cash prize, contestants must find and capture a tom cat, have it castrated by a vet and return it without the owner knowing.
Weekly fun filled challenge live from Bradford.
For a cash prize, contestants must find and capture a tom cat, have it castrated by a vet and return it without the owner knowing.
^ that's just so far fetched. Even a total imbercile wouldn't fall for it.
Ultimate BIG Brother
Once all the big brother contestants are in the house. When they are sleeping... Cover the building in three feet thick concrete and trap them. Them watch them realize they are trapped. Cannibalism? in the house.
Once all the big brother contestants are in the house. When they are sleeping... Cover the building in three feet thick concrete and trap them. Them watch them realize they are trapped. Cannibalism? in the house.
'That's The Way We Roll'
Hidden camera footage live from the aisles of Tring Road Tesco's, Aylesbury.
Thrill as a bunch of corpulent bigots bimble about the place, like so many human Barbapapa's, stopping suddenly like ocean going tankers to stuff ever more sizable amounts of crisps and chocolate into their bulbous offspring's pie-holes, whilst simultaneously trying to work out the cost of 18 bottles of Mazzola Corn Oil, 4 tubs of lard and a packet of Pork Scratchings!
Hidden camera footage live from the aisles of Tring Road Tesco's, Aylesbury.
Thrill as a bunch of corpulent bigots bimble about the place, like so many human Barbapapa's, stopping suddenly like ocean going tankers to stuff ever more sizable amounts of crisps and chocolate into their bulbous offspring's pie-holes, whilst simultaneously trying to work out the cost of 18 bottles of Mazzola Corn Oil, 4 tubs of lard and a packet of Pork Scratchings!
bargain hunt
no prizes - just middle class people experiencing a car boot. buying tat and trying to get their money back at auction.
Program would make £50,000 per episode and would be repeated endlessly.
Don't think it will get commissioned.
Or
Homes under the hammer
people buy moldy houses, bleach the walls and resell them?
no prizes - just middle class people experiencing a car boot. buying tat and trying to get their money back at auction.
Program would make £50,000 per episode and would be repeated endlessly.
Don't think it will get commissioned.
Or
Homes under the hammer
people buy moldy houses, bleach the walls and resell them?
Match Of The Day
I would welcome his analysis
(and perhaps goal of the month.)
I would welcome his analysis
(and perhaps goal of the month.)
Asking children (under 10) their opinions on a range of subjects,
and then getting into arguments with them trying to defend ridiculous bigoted opinions.
and then getting into arguments with them trying to defend ridiculous bigoted opinions.
Indeed Zorro
or what about
'(Several) Grand (Over Budget) Designs'
Where a pretentious, chin-stroking, pastel-coloured pervert ambles about the place, indulging middle-class professionals (never inner city single parents struggling to hold down two jobs and bring up a family of four) in their creation of some tat-monument to notional 'good taste', peppering their conversation with words like 'space' and 'architrave' and 'reredo', whilst a thermometer-effect located in the bottom corner of the screen, hurtles northwards, highlighting to viewers the difference between actual project spend and the beardie-wierdies budget.
or what about
'(Several) Grand (Over Budget) Designs'
Where a pretentious, chin-stroking, pastel-coloured pervert ambles about the place, indulging middle-class professionals (never inner city single parents struggling to hold down two jobs and bring up a family of four) in their creation of some tat-monument to notional 'good taste', peppering their conversation with words like 'space' and 'architrave' and 'reredo', whilst a thermometer-effect located in the bottom corner of the screen, hurtles northwards, highlighting to viewers the difference between actual project spend and the beardie-wierdies budget.
Don't know if anyone has beat me to it but what about 'What's my crime'
Would be based on the 'What's my line' show but more interesting.
Got the idea from Kenny Mann so might need to share the royalties with him.
Would be based on the 'What's my line' show but more interesting.
Got the idea from Kenny Mann so might need to share the royalties with him.
Profit or Loss
Contestants will be shown all the forum posts of an individual relating to his/her betting/tipping and regardless of the forumites claims of success have to decide whether they have made a profit or are just bullsh!tting and have made a loss.
After the decision the forumite will reveal their account statement and show a Profit
or Loss.
Contestants will be shown all the forum posts of an individual relating to his/her betting/tipping and regardless of the forumites claims of success have to decide whether they have made a profit or are just bullsh!tting and have made a loss.
After the decision the forumite will reveal their account statement and show a Profit
or Loss.
Bournemouths Got Talent
A panel of 4 judges are shown a 'day in the lifef' clip of secret squirrel
The audience have to guess which judge will be the first to say
"I didn't expect that to come out of your mouth"
A panel of 4 judges are shown a 'day in the lifef' clip of secret squirrel
The audience have to guess which judge will be the first to say
"I didn't expect that to come out of your mouth"
Who wants to be a Millionaire
Follow the fortunes of a group of billionaires as they commit their fortunes to Orioles'se'es AW racing tips.
Follow the fortunes of a group of billionaires as they commit their fortunes to Orioles'se'es AW racing tips.
The Real Housewives of Dagenham East
You get the picture.
You get the picture.
er... Babies with Scabies? Could be Rabies depending on where it's set.
...
First Date Rapes?
...
Bloop Eater?
... Dongs of Praise?
...
First Date Rapes?
...
Bloop Eater?
... Dongs of Praise?
Who Wants to be a Mullionaire - reality show to do with making a lot of money from making windows.
death of a billionaire - We investigate what happens to the rich man's estate after he pops his clogs. The lawyers wrangling their share. The relatives waiting and hoping. the charities hoping to get one percent.
the funeral - the possibility of life after death. etc.
the funeral - the possibility of life after death. etc.
Currynation Street
Set in an inner city area of Delhi.
Locals mix happily with immigrants and readily accept their inability to act very well.
Set in an inner city area of Delhi.
Locals mix happily with immigrants and readily accept their inability to act very well.
a quiz show where if you get a question wrong your are dropped it to a tank of killer sharks
Breakin' Bones
Spin a wheel to see what body part you have to fracture next, with relevant prizes....
Finger 30 quid
Leg 500 pounds
NECK £250,000
A celebraty version for charity would be a real ratings winner
Spin a wheel to see what body part you have to fracture next, with relevant prizes....
Finger 30 quid
Leg 500 pounds
NECK £250,000
A celebraty version for charity would be a real ratings winner
Scrapheap Challenge Anneka
Two teams compete to build robot Anneka Rices from old car parts. The Anneka with the most camera-friendly arse wins a poster of Kenneth Kendall for her team.
Two teams compete to build robot Anneka Rices from old car parts. The Anneka with the most camera-friendly arse wins a poster of Kenneth Kendall for her team.
Play your Race Cards Right hosted by that annoying woman you're not allowed to mention.
"Paedos in Speedos at Lidos"
Each week a party of school kids is taken to a Lido where a number of men ... No hang on a minute, that's a game show too far, even for British telly.
Each week a party of school kids is taken to a Lido where a number of men ... No hang on a minute, that's a game show too far, even for British telly.
"Vordeman's Slaughtermen"
Every week the fragrant former 'Countdown' supremo visits a Non EU Standards Compliant abattoir to discuss the key political and social issues du jour with various terrifying looking and non-communicative men of strange arts.
Obviously their vital national work can't possibly be interrupted so these fascinating interviews are scheduled for lunch breaks when they sit around in a circle eating their Lard Sandwiches, grunting their responses with their mouths full, and breaking wind violently.
Wear a jumper while you watch because this programme will surely chill the blood.
Every week the fragrant former 'Countdown' supremo visits a Non EU Standards Compliant abattoir to discuss the key political and social issues du jour with various terrifying looking and non-communicative men of strange arts.
Obviously their vital national work can't possibly be interrupted so these fascinating interviews are scheduled for lunch breaks when they sit around in a circle eating their Lard Sandwiches, grunting their responses with their mouths full, and breaking wind violently.
Wear a jumper while you watch because this programme will surely chill the blood.
Strictly Come Lancing.
A group of people with boils of varying sizes have to outdo their opponents in a series of Terpsichorean challenges in the hope that the public will vote for them to come back on Sunday to have said boil popped.
Or just by adding a word to one of Alan's own ideas - Smell My Kn0b Cheese. No description required.
A group of people with boils of varying sizes have to outdo their opponents in a series of Terpsichorean challenges in the hope that the public will vote for them to come back on Sunday to have said boil popped.
Or just by adding a word to one of Alan's own ideas - Smell My Kn0b Cheese. No description required.
FILLET O' FISH
The weather with Michael Fish, filmed (at long last) with an X-Ray camera so that you can see Ireland through Michael's ribcage.
JASON AND THE AGA-NAUTS
David Jason meets the amateur engineers with stars in their eyes who are trying to reach the moon in craft built entirely from old Victorian kitchen ranges.
BUT IF YOU JUST LOOK AT THE EVIDENCE...
The popular science vs. gobbledegook debate show, hosted by Magnus Pike & Sweep. A panel of creationists attempt to explain their backward beliefs in faltering voices to an audience of geologists and evolutionary biologists, who will jeer and pelt them with bitumen .
The weather with Michael Fish, filmed (at long last) with an X-Ray camera so that you can see Ireland through Michael's ribcage.
JASON AND THE AGA-NAUTS
David Jason meets the amateur engineers with stars in their eyes who are trying to reach the moon in craft built entirely from old Victorian kitchen ranges.
BUT IF YOU JUST LOOK AT THE EVIDENCE...
The popular science vs. gobbledegook debate show, hosted by Magnus Pike & Sweep. A panel of creationists attempt to explain their backward beliefs in faltering voices to an audience of geologists and evolutionary biologists, who will jeer and pelt them with bitumen .
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