Latest classic line from my other half

My late Mum, sometime in the 70's was doing "Spot The Ball" in the local rag. I did the Pools coupon but spot the ball bored me so I left it to her.

After studying the coupon for a couple of minutes she handed it to me, saying, you'll have a better chance than me this week.

Why's that?

Well it says at the bottom it was Bradford City v Crewe and you go to all the cIty home games so you should know where the ball is!

And she was serious.

quality km.

Thanks. True as well.

did you manage to spot it Kenny

in my game the fabrication game a lot of the lads put claims in through the union ,for white finger[vibration white finger]
it takes some time to process a claim with a couple of tests with a medical expert but if succesful most lads get about 10 grand compo
my mate went through the process and had the tests and new the results and compo were due so had warned his mrs a letter was due and told her to phone him at work if it came
at break time in front of a full cabin the gaffer said clff you,ve had a letter about your finger,

she said dont worry you havnt got it!!

you,ve got to luv,em

"Well, when we were watching them walk around he was the one with the happiest face."

Aww, that's lovely

i was in the florida quays with an ex years ago, when we'd been driving on the bridge for over 5 minutes she asked me "why do they call this the seven mile bridge".

i took my missus to catford dog track years ago ,1st time she had been to a race track , she was watching the tic tac men doing the hand signals , and  after a while she  said "cor there must be a lot of deaf people here!

Playing a game of Trivial Pursuit with the wife a few years ago when a question came across on who Chinese actress Jianq Qing was married to.

She did'nt know this, and , not having many cheeses on the Board i said "Ok then, a clue, Little Red Book"

At this point I was guessing Chairman Mao

Some gems on here, FOLYESWARI I took my missus to Catford dog track on our first date to watch my dog run the romantic fool that I am

Likewise Foinavon. The Little Red Book was Mao´s manifesto if I remember rightly; the Big Red Book was This is Your Life I think.

according to Wiki:

Jiang Qing (Chiang Ching; March 19, 1914 – May 14, 1991) was the pseudonym used by the major Communist Party of China political figure who was Mao Zedong's last wife. In the West, Jiang was known as Madame Mao.

Good grief, can't believe anything you read on here.

Too many to mention but we were driving past the airport one time when a plane went overhead. "I wish I was on that right now", she said. "FFS you silly cow, it's coming in to land."

Another was when we left our (then) 11 year old kid in the house on his own. "Don't answer the phone to anyone - unless it's us." This was the days before caller recognisation on a land line.

lol, very good O'.

Mrs Gin - "This bra is really getting on my tits!"

Was with a few mates who were taking the pi55 out of the insular nature of the yanks. One of em said that they had met a septic who thought that Ireland was attached to England. The wife turned to me after and said, " I thought it was". Another time we were watching the football and everybody was screaming at one of the players because he made little effort to go for a  cross which seemed eminently reachable. I couldn't have got my head to it said the wife from her wheelchair.

@MC Roller -- The other day, we were talking, well i was, she was stuffing her face again. I asked her to name the greatest invention ever, without hesitation she said the fridge.

Except that when you think about it, the fridge is not a bad shout for greatest invention. Keeps food fresh; prevents food poisoning, illness and death; reduces food costs by allowing bulk shopping; lets the population live further from the countryside. Your missus could be another Einstein, who, incidentally, once patented a new design for a fridge.

We were also playing Articulate on New Years Eve (it must be catching).

Also on the People round, my mate's wife said "Olympics - Rowing"

We went through the usual suspects - Redgrave, Pinsent etc, without success, so we ended up passing.

At the end of the round we checked up on who we had been looking for.

Ben Affleck

who she had got mixed up with Ben Ainslie, who we would still never have got near from her clue!

Genius!

That's a cracker. Has reminded me of a shocker my brother in law also had on Articulate a couple of years ago.

Was describing to us the banking guy who lost millions for Barings Bank, I was screaming at him Nick Leeson and he kept saying that it wasn't right. At the end of the round I asked who was on the card and it was Liam Neeson.

Love this thread.

Liam Neeson

I'll be a regular contributor to this thread......

This from just last night down the local, when asked what she got for Xmas, she is listing them off, mentioned perfume and was asked which one, she hesitated so I piped up "DKNY"...." No it wasn't that, it was....... Donna Karan".

A former colleague once asked me what DKNY stood for, he guessed the NY bit but didn't know the DK so I told him, Danny Kendall. He didn't question it and for all I know is now proudly informing anyone who'll ask him the same.

Doesn't know? Dopey ****.

K Hunt censored? FFS!

When i asked my missus how her chicken sarnies were that day, she couldn't understand why i laughed when she told me they were 'foul'

"ha ha - It's because I laced them with rat poison, ha ha ha"

How can you have a foul chicken sandwich? It's not a difficult recipe.

Picture the scene. I had taken my new girlfriend home to see the parents and family. We were all sitting around, and being politically inclined my parents and sisters happened to be discussing the new education policies of David Blunkett. Not having said anything and keen to impress her future in-laws my girlfriend piped up: "I don't like him very much, he doesn't interview very well, his head is always moving around and his eyes are all over the place". Silence.

^ classic

looking out the car one morning there were loads of jet fuel lines in the sky around teesside airport,our lass said that must be dangerous all them planes ,i said they only land 2 or 3 day now it,ll be just one plane,she said unless there a few planes up there ; just practicing ;

we wouldnt be without them,

and obviously you cant let it go , can you,
so everytime were out now i have to say,

see the lads are out again having a practice,

My wife and I have been speaking about our (hopefully) final house move in life and have decided that we would look for a bungalow.
Just been down the stairs and asked her if she wanted a drink to which she replied yes,she was on the property sites and I said to her I will be buying her a really nice bungalow to which she replied," I don't give a **** as long as its got a downstairs toilet."

But God made em like this................................So as you can give em 3 halves of larger & sh@g em.............

when visiting Edinburgh castle

the old girl says

"why do they always build these things
in such awkward places to get to"

An American women was heard to say whilst visiting Windsor Castle

"Why did they build this under a flightpath"......

when going to Edinburgh by train from London the wife was looking at
the timetables for the journey and asked why was it 25 mins quicker to get
back than it was to go
told her it was because it was downhill coming back

is it not ?

of course not, it's carrying less diesel coming back so it's quicker

drum roll plzzzzzzzzz

my mom said to her grandson... do you know who Aldorf Hitler was? burst out laughing at that one.

Coming home in a taxi after a late night we were travelling through a rural area on a moonlit night. We passed some cows in a field and she said "don't they get cold - do they stay out all night". I said yes. She said "God they must have skins like leather."

Another one was watching a band whist on holiday. They were playing the Olivia Newton John song Take Me Home Country Road. I said to her - which female singer used to sing this - after a while she asked for a clue. I said she was in Grease. She said is it Nana Mouskouri.

When I told my mate's sister I was learning to drive, she said:

"It must be difficult to remember to put the lights on every time you apply the brakes"

Was watching a documentary with my ex about the hijack of the first plane that went into the towers on 9/11..............during a scene where the hijackers jumped up from their seats (they were scattered throughout the plane) i noticed my gf looking perplexed.........

''whats up'' i asked.........to which she replied.............

''whats the chances of 4 hijackers all been on the same plane, thats well unlucky''

She thought that each hijacker was working alone and that coincidence led them to all be on the same plane!!!

love it I agree with nick

as for jimmy diamond your bird is actualy an idiot!

I only hope all these thick women are stacked like Pamela Anderson...

Lol, she's my ex now MC...... to be fair though, she was bloody hot, i could live with her lack of general knowledge.

Watching tv, Bodie and Doyle were leaping over burning cars, discharging their weapons, and killing everybody in sight. "What a load of bollocks", I said, "Pure fantasy".

"You don`t know what you`re talking about", the good lady says, "They do that all the time in MFI".

Came back from the fishing one day and she asked me if I caught any Smokies.

She went shopping and I asked her to buy me a 36in belt. She came home with a 34in belt. "That`s a 34in belt", I said surprised. "I know", she replied, "The 36in ones weren`t very nice".

Just watching Frozen Planet, beautiful scenery above and under water, fascinating animals etc.

The Mrs chimes up, isn`t Harry Hill on at this time

Was watching snooker a few years back DING V DOTT. The Mrs popped her head in and said " that looks funny Ding playing Dott - which one's Ding.

My missus like's a wee bet on the football.

She said to me earlier "Walcott is 4/2 to score a goal". "You mean 2/1?" I said. "No, definitely 4/2"

I haven't a clue where she got the odds from in the first place but FFS.

I said earlier there was too many to mention but these happen daily

I remember visiting my old dear one time, an annual visit. I walked into the living room and, after greetings, she says, referring to a programme on telly, "what do you think of her, is that no´ terrible?"

"What?" I said perplexed.

"Her in Coronation Street, having an affair"

"Mum", I says, "I´ve never watched Coronation St in my life - and I´ve lived in Germany for the last eight years".

"Aye I know" she says, "but I just thought maybe you watched it there..."

she is old though...

maybe you watched Krönung Strabe

Came back from the [i]fishing one day[/i]

initially I thought you said fisting

We were out for a walk one day and the English Channel had loads of tankers in it, the missus says...look at all those tankards

Just watching family fortunes and a question was ..name another word for dancing ....herself says ...tripping the light fandango....I have to put up with this every day

She probably meant 'turning carthwheels 'cross the floor'

Recently we were discuuing politics and a girl I know said she wanted to vote for the Tories but couldn't find them on the ballot paper.

*discussing, obviously

i asked my son which planet was closest to earth. is it venus or mars? he thinks for a second or two knowing what im like and says
is it a trick question? maybe i reply. shes in kitchen earwagging and shouts through "its the moon"

when i told her that jesus was jewish she laughed and said everyone knows he was catholic. on the same topic she guessed jesus was born 800 years ago. she isnt religious as such but did go to sunday school nearly every week of her childhood.

her sister is even thicker, last year her fella got her a sewing machine which both of them had obviously never had any experience with. after scratching there heads for twenty minutes and not getting it to work the sister then exclaimed how stupid they were and
started fiddling with the pin that sticks out the top it and said "we've not got a signal"

they are from newcastle originally so they do have an excuse.

when doing a sweepstake at work for the euros once she suggested i should keep spain and BRAZIL for myself.

Too many to mention but we were driving past the airport one time when a plane went overhead. "I wish I was on that right now", she said. "FFS you silly cow, it's coming in to land."



LOL!! too funny Ovalman 

Bird i worked with in bookies came in one morning when the satellite signal
had gone down.She asked "why nothing on the tv's".
Told her i had not yet had the chance to turn the satellite on yet,
gave her the remote and said she'd have to go outside point the remote at the dish to turn the signal on
i don't need to tell you she went outside to find the dish.

I took her to Catterick for a NH meeting and explain the form before each race.

Watch the beasts in the parade, make a selection, turn round and stick your fiver through the window at the nanny.

She gets it worked out real quick and by the third race is an expert. She makes her selection, skips over to the nanny to lump on and comes back just as the jockeys are being legged up. Her selection was a M Easterby beast with Gino Carenza as the pilot. I point him - all six foot plus - out to her. 'There's your man,' I say.

Her mouth drops open before she closes it, prior to screaming, "'ere get him off and put a little one on."

After class chit-chat (college, 18 year olds).

Student A (male): 'I saw a documentary on China last week. Funny looking place. Didn't seem to be many trees even in rural areas where people lived, so it must be fertile.'

Student B (male): 'Yeah I saw that. You're right; there were no trees.'

Student C (female): 'Well, they've got bonsai.'

Blimey, the teachers in that place must be shocking.

Pointed out to my good lady that a tv company were going to make a new series of Open All Hours.

She said "Suppose they can't afford to make a new programme"

one from yesterday ,.as I was going into the kitchen the missus said while you are out there will you get my purse for me ,o.k I said and proceeded to look for said purse, couldn't find it ,where is it I  calls out ,on the side she shouts back ,I starts moving things on side, still no purse, I can hear the sarky cow saying " for gods sake how hard can it be to find a purs blah blah ,blah, " getting wound up  I start banging about looking for the fecking purse ," don't break anything she calls out ",I look in the drawer and lo and behold I find said purse ,here I say  heres your fecking purse "............ with a look of bemusement " whats this she says".... seriously wound up I say what do you fecking think it is its your bstard purse,with a look of disdain she say "I meant the hair brush" ...................ahrgggggggggggg

Was talking to a friend whilst on Xbox live against him a few years ago.

His Mrs kept having a go for him to help her find her afro comb (I think that's what it's called). He kept trying to turn his microphone off each time she was having a go but he was never fast enough. At the end of the game he forgot again to turn his mic off and went wandering around with her having wittering about being late for the night out with friends if said comb wasn't found.

I was sitting there listening in quietly (always amusing to hear other people in trouble), only to burst out laughing when he said to her "it's in your fu**ing hair!"

Staying in a backpacker hostel while travelling around Australia, a group of us while having a few games of pool decide to organize a pool competition for the weekend. An hour or so later the girlfriend turns to me and says shes not wearing her swim suit to the pool competition

Lord knows what pool competition she thought was taking place, the place didnt even have a swimming pool!

We were in Melbourne for the cup in 1994 - staying at a hotel we got talking to a group of people in the bar.

During the conversation an Aussie girl asked how far we had come - "from England" I replied. "oh, not as far as these two then" she said gesturing towards the other couple. "they've come all the way from New Zealand!"

We got a Tivo box installed yesterday and I was messing about with the live TV recordings. I paused it and restarted a program and said that would be handy for a live football match.

"What will the footballers do when we pause it?" she hit me with.

I honestly get one of these a day.

received two consecutive texts this morning

"gonna get £300 in dollars, is that enough?"

"got £200"

And so I took the first wife to Wetherby Horse Sales and we are wandering around the stables looking at the beasts up for sale.  One was a piebald (black and white) and it had a wall eye ( which is a large amount of white in the eyeball).

Herself takes a careful look at this and then comes to me and says, "That horse has got a glass eye."

"What will the footballers do when we pause it?" she hit me with.

Was once in South Africa with the missus.  There was a rugby match in town at the time, and we got chatting to a group of Saffers.  I asked where they were from and one Saffer responded in a thick accent that they'd come over from East London.

"Oh", beamed the missus.  "Quite near us then, we're from West London" 

On another occasion, she was planning on going out for a jog in an unfamiliar town and worried about getting lost.  So I suggested that she looked at the satellite dishes on houses as they always point to the south.

Her response........"Well, what if you want to go north?"   

Herself takes a careful look at this and then comes to me and says, "That horse has got a glass eye."

That is an absolute gem

A few years back there was a lunar eclipse due, so we all in the back garden to watch when all of a sudden she announces that we should all go upstairs to the bedroom when we can get a closer view.

Watching Who Dares Wins and the question was what are the largest US States...she says Dallas followed by Mississippi

Not mine but from nuts or FHM magazine a few years ago. Bloke was out driving with his wife

Her: Look at that bird over there
Him : Yes it's a kite
Her : No, no it's definitely a bird

I was in the video shop with the g/f late one Saturday evening and we were looking for something to watch. With most of the good films gone we came down to two possibilities, one was a low budget science fiction effort, the other a hitman thriller with Tom Cruise. So being the nice guy that I am I says: "which one would you prefer?"

"I´m not bothered" she says, "you choose".

Even though I would have preferred the sci-fi film I went for the Tom Cruise film, thinking she would enjoy it more (and I would get me hole afterwards...)

So we´re driving home and halfway there she still hasn´t said a word to me. I finally says "what´s wrong?"

"Nothing" she replies.

"Come on I know somethings up" I says.

"I wanted the other one"....

in the 70s I was at home with a girlfriend   a good looker with stacks upfront but was lacking a bit in the brains department , I was in the kitchen  and she was in the front room  watching a  quiz programme "sale of the century " where they reveal the prizes and the contestants answer questions to win,   I heard her shout out its a fridge , a few minuets later  as I walked into the front room she called out its a telly and stereo ! the dopey fecker thought the prizes were the questions !

g/f was talking about whether to get another vacuum cleaner or get a stand up with the light on the front that you can use to hoover in the dark
asked her if she was mental and she said it would come in useful if there was a power cut.

tamb that is so so funny one of the best on here!!!

Mine asked me at tea if I'd ordered her something I'd promised to order online.
I said no but I'd do it after tea.
She said that's no good they'll be closed then

Bless em - they're the  gift that just keeps on giving

My wife and I were in Antwerp when this guy doing marketing or a survey or something steps up and speaks to my wife in Dutch.
"sorry" she said quick as a flash "I dont speak English"

Years ago my Mrs was reading the Harold Robbins book The Carpetbaggers. She got up to about page 600 and said to me what's a sonofabitch, pronouncing it sonoffabitch. I said,that word is on every page and you wait until page 600. She said I've been trying to work it out.

Another one was years ago. It was good Friday and there wasn't much to do. She said I'm going to the shops - do you want anything. I said ye get me the Handicap Book, I'll do a bit of studying for the weekend.
When she got back about an hour later she said I got you the Handicap Book, it's in the shopping bag.

When I went to get it I nearly pi$$ed myself laughing. She'd only bought the Daily Mirror Andy Capp annual.

Last Sunday we were watching the sunset, she turns to me and asks were does the sun go at night? She was dead serious and couldnt understand why I was laughing. She refused to believe that it doesnt go anywhere and that the earth is in fact moving

Instead of being so sarcastic and nasty just explain exactly where it does go??  From where I am in London I see it disappearing towards Cornwall - so do they keep it overnight?

One from TV

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvRwRuHwyTU

Yes Mobo, yes they do.

I used to wonder where the Sun went at night so I took a flask and some sandwiches and went to the top of the highest hill in the area. I watched it go down in the West. So, I kept watch, because I KNEW that would have to get back to the other side before morning.
So, I kept watching and trying to work out how it might do it. And then, about 5 o'clock, it suddenly dawned on me.............