If war broke out between bitter and lager drinkers ....

you taking the p1ss?

Lager drinkers will glass you and fight fkin dirty. Bitter drinkers would probably try and sit on you with their lardy arses

I don't know what to do. I like both.

To be honest, it's never occurred to me that there may be anyone who doesn't like both.

I've met Lagers top boys

I think you're confusing bitter drinkers with the real ale brigade.

Don't forget a lot of the rugby lads drink bitter.

Might be a close call

the old ale brigade could launch a devastating gas attack on the fizzies.

I distance myself from the lager top boys, although if it all kicked off with the rugger buggers, I may be forced to recall them from the Balearic beaches to swell numbers.

Thinking about it, my bitter/lager preference seems to be controlled by the seasons. Lager in the summer, bitter in the winter.

If I have to choose which side to fight on it'll depend what time of year it is when war breaks out.

Would the lager boys be able to put their football allegiances aside to unite against the bitter boys?

Also, what about the Guinness drinkers? Presumably they'd side with the bitter boys.

No, the more I think about it, the more I think the bitter drinkers would win

I'm not having that. The ale boys would all hide in their sheds, and debate whether to vote for Clive or Geoff as head of the model railway society.

It's an interesting conundrum, I just think the real ale drinkers might have a slight edge as some of the beardy chaps could bring an accordian, a tambourine and god forbid a harmonica to the party and organise a folk night which would send the lager lads running to the hills. I'm undecided.

That could lead to an apocalyptic conclusion to events if they sent for the morris dancers

don't factor the Stella drinkers in with the Lagerites either. They'll be too busy at home beating up their wives.

Oh please God not the morris dancers, I'm leaning towards the ale drinkers now after you having said that.

Don't make me laugh, lager was imported round about the time homosexuality was legalised.Coincidence? I don't think so.And drinking beer out of a bottle that has been p1ssed on by rodents and brewery workers ... Yuk!Chill it down so much there is no taste.Ha!They even stuck a wedge of lime in the bottle neck at one time...sweetie!
When ships were made of wood and men were made of steel, BITTER was the drink that helped us conquer the world.What are they gonna do...belch us into submission

The lager boys may have to send for the Heneiken brigade, and in a scene resembling the rolling bails fire being launched at the Romans in Spartacus, I would line them up on the top of a hill and launch an all out attack of synchronised pissing to wash away the oncoming hoards of bitterists.

cooperman - get back to your craft fair

The lager boys'd be at it like a bull at a gate.  There'd be tables, fists, glasses, white plastic patio chairs flying in all directions. 
With their far greater experience (let's not forget seeing off the Cider boys almost to extinction in the 80's), guile and not inconsiderable resources the bitter boys would take a more calculated approach and in the end there could only be one winner.

well said cooper. The empire wasn't built by mincing lager top drinkers. On his day off surely the average spitfire pilot would've had a pork pie and half a bitter any day?

I'm not happy about the lager and homosexuality allegations either - after all, it is the bitterists that prefer something warm and unpalatable running down the back of their throats.

bloke goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"I think my pen1s is too small" he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, It shrinks things those Lagers. You should try drinking bitter. That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink bitter?" asked the doc.
"Yes", replies the man "and I've also got the wife on Lager!"

The one factor tht we've all overlooked is that the lagerites would heavily outnumber the bitter brigade - especially in the under 40 group

Indeed. In both age, and IQ.

And weight in stones.

I wouldn't really want to face a Bavarian lager brigade in full lederhosen combat wear. They would pummel me into submission with their sausages and brass bands

tennants and a whiskey chaser mob would do both of them even if they got handers from mild drinkers.

but you have got to watch the sweetheart stout drinkers when they attack from behind.

If I filled Erse up with a gallon of Marston's Pedigree, none of you would dare come near his backside

the wine drinker,s would be minceing on the side line.shouting "boy,s boy,s violence never solves anythig"

Don't forget that after a couple of years the Americans would join in. The beginning of the end for the bitter nation imo

you can't really call that p1ss that the americans brew lager

If it did escalate into a global conflict, the bitterists would be finished

The last thing the lagerists want is the Yanks on board - glorious victory denied by a mass of friendly fire fatalities, and I'm pretty sure the bitterists would use underhand tactics to distract them any way, such as all you can eat for 5 dollar buffets set up on the battlefield.

I'm not drinking ice cold p1ss out of a glass that looks like a f00kin flower vase and has more bubbles than a foam party ffs.And i'm not going out dressed in clothing purchased from Sports Direct eveningwear section, covering myself in tattoos and shaving my barnet so I fit in with the wimps drinking foreign lagers.The old barrel glasses had a handle for a reason I might remind you, one of which was dispatching cheeky kids who couldn't manage a few pints of XXXX before gettin lippy.

Where do the teetotallers stand while all this is going on ?

with the muslims

fack that

I'd go back on bitter and real ale

what about the yokel cider drinkers and jakeys

They will just carry on as usual, off their tits on crazy apple juice making sweet love to their wives, who are also their sisters and quite probably their aunties too.

HRH The Lager Khan     26 May 12 11:58 
That could lead to an apocalyptic conclusion to events if they sent for the morris dancers

Pull the other one its got bells on .

There are, I admit, quite a few ENGLISH breweries that make a thirst quenching lager type beer.One of my favourites is made by Dents in Cumbria called Rambrau4.5%, although you drink it from a beer glass, not a flower vase.It's pulled from a standard ENGLISH hand pump, not a chromium plated, three foot high sculpture dripping with condensation.Oh and you don't have to have the makers name/logo on every item of clothing you're wearing.

It's the gin and tonic merchants I feel sorry for, they'll be stuck in no mans land whilst all this mayhem was going on wondering where the ice bucket is. Like lambs to the slaughter that lot will be.

You want to go to a proper traditional pub, with atmosphere and where cellar men take pride in their beer, like Wetherspoons.

tell you what, we'll all drink 8 pints of Gold label then we would all be too fecked to fight

Try going in the boozer in Warmington-on-Sea and asking for a pint of lager.You'd be under armed guard in the Church Hall,with some cold steel up yer jacksie before you could say Lilli Marlene.

Well Private Godfrey was clearly permanently on the Carlsberg, hence him having to ask to be excused every 5 minutes.

The lager boys would surely win, providing the bitter bunch didn't form a grand coalition with cider and spirits drinkers. Pretty much inevitable that the wine drinkers would stay neutral.

It's all about weight of numbers, and the lager drinkers have youth on their side too. Difficult to know who'd have greater resources. Another question is whether or not the lager drinkers take a tactical gamble and send in the SBS (Special Brew Squadron). Guaranteed aggression, but they could b*gger up the best laid plans.

Lager boys for me as well.

I mean in sheer numbers, you're putting a large bunch of mostly middle aged men against the population of every job centre in Britain. Not to mention all the tradesmen who seem to unequivocally drink lager after work. Wouldn't be a fair fight.

just wave the situations vacant paper at the larger louts, flee for their lives

That would mean teaching the troops how to read, which would take up valuable football watching time.

i think before they fight ...
they sdrink each others drink ....over a dozen pimnts ...

the lager namby pandys won't even make the fight ring 

Without doubt the funniest thread I've ever read on here. Well done everyone.

I like both so I would be in no mans land at the bar while there is no queue.

you're obviously forgetting BIG Maureen and her expansive chest .

im with bigmo,but i will be bringing my female body guard,s just in case the the fighting spred,s.   the lambrini girl,s

It's Saturday night, and in preparation for the skirmishes ahead, the lager boys are out on the town, seducing chubby lasses with their cheeky banter before they take them round the back of Sainsbury's car park. They then head for the kebab shop, followed by vomiting in the council shrubbery and head home. Meanwhile, the bitter boys settle down in front the TV with their parents. Fray Bentos pie, potatoes and carrots all drowned in gravy is served on trays, with The Best Of Antiques Roadshow and Scrapheap Challenge dvd's at the ready.

In the words of the great,late poet Seething Wells,RIP;

There were four of us, and five of them
But they were poofs, and we were men
TETLEY TETLEY TETLEY Bittermen

Everyone must be at the bar as I can't see no fighting. Was last orders called? Yes I know I was at the bar but I went outside for a smoke.

It was the bell for last orders but the Lagers thought it was for round 1
One of them made a surge but his mates managed to hold him back .

CIDER not Cidre

To the Gauloises smoking Libertine its Cidre

Find out what Bill Oddie drinks and join HIS team.

***THE END***

will he get the funky gibbon on side ?

Real Ale 1.01

Is that some trendy new drink for librarians?

Hostilities took a turn for the worse when the crack lager undercover stealth commando unit was sent to infiltrate behind enemy lines.
All was going perfectly to plan as they slipped into position.
Unfortunately, a couple of the younger members of the unit, emboldened by their apparent success, couldn't help themselves and broke out into a spontaneous chorus of "'ere we go, 'ere we go, 'ere we go." and were captured.

news from the front   it is with great sadness i have to report the first casulties or this BREWING conflict.I sent the lambrini girl,s on a covert mission to gather information on the strenth and number of both side,s. I counted the all out.and counted them all back in, two missing in action   ( presumable fooked !)

Latest diplomatic updates:

Kofi Annan appealing for calm whilst holding a glass of Mickey Mouse.

http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink15u4t36.html

Ale drinkers reporting heavy losses in the hot weather, with their steadfast refusal to remove their traditional olive corduroy trousers and Christmas jumper ensembles. A St Johns Ambulance spokesman said their members were refusing to give any further mouth to mouth resuscitation to the stricken aleists, as the copious amounts of ginger facial hair was giving them fur balls.

The bitter drinkers just tweeted something about sausages from a farmers market and said any ruck will have to be before 6.30 because they want to get off home before the pub starts to fill up.

The conflict could escalate this coming bank holiday weekend with lagerists threatening to invade the steam engine convention and start a conga, whilst in revenge attacks, under cover bitterists plan to infiltrate bar-be-cue gatherings on council estates and make disparaging remarks about gazebos and Iceland beef burgers.

If a lagerists threat was to "knock your head off" to a bitterist it would all be over as this would send the bitterist
into a frenzy, protecting the head of his ale which is an integural part .

integral  ffs

The bitterist could send the lagerist in to a self harming frenzy though, by threatening to start a conversation about something other than football or breasts.

Mild and stout drinkers created the Empire

Drink filth, build empires

They're a dying breed now though

don't forget porter

My Scottish mate just sent me a text. The Buckfast lads were coming down South to invade and reek havoc, they were going to take the side of the bitter drinkers but they got arrested on the train and are now incarcerated in Bromsgrove. They were on the wrong train obviously but the thought was there bless their little cotton socks.

Two of them had to be taken off the platform by stretchers which is a shame. They were well up for it as well

well at least they got the right country which is something I suppose

Get e'm on the Tennents Super and then drop them off at a car boot sale - It would be like the lagerists having their very own kamikaze division.

The buckfast hordes marauding over the wall is one of the signs of the apocalypse. Spew and tartan pi$$ everywhere.

Newsflash on Sky News..
Peroni drinkers reportedly boarding Eurostar as we speak, they're going to take a watching brief at the action, and then decide which side to join. Their headquarters in Rome said this was their safest option.
There are some delays at Ashford station though, Strasbourg HQ of Meteor Lager reports the mass exodus of their troops, they said the men didn't like the weather here, or the food. Kronenbourg drinkers also spotted heading for Dover.

Rumours abound that Her Majesty made a pro bitterist comment on this conflict at the rehearsals for her Jubilee speech, but carnage ensued when Phil the Greek, who was off his tits on Stella, came over and gave her a right hander and then drop kicked a corgi over the Buck House balcony. He then turned on his 3 sons and yelled "Do you want some you kants?", before brandishing a sword and throwing a tray of avocado, tomato and cheese vol au vents everywhere. He was last seen stumbling down The Mall looking for a kebab vendor.

oh I say show some respect to your relatives

Those bitter drinkers have shown their true colours getting into gang culture with
the Yardie of Ale mob .

a lager secret service unit has infiltrated the pump room of the real ale hq and switched the pipes around so that the urinals fill straight back into the barrels.

The bitterist landlord has reported increased demand and has won awards for the peculiarly frothy nature of the pint's head.

Meanwhile, bitter drinkers have switched the lager casks for ones containing dyed fizzy water..... no more news on this story as the lager drinkers haven't noticed yet.

There could be a group of andy murry pee drinkers who want a bit of action