BEST LIMERICKS

There was a young lady from HortonWho had one great big t1t and one short 'unAnd on top of all thatA big hairy tw@tAnd a f@rt like a 650 Norton

There's a young girl from Carshalton just like that.

There once was a boxer called BrunoWhose catchphrase was 'Do you knowWhat I mean, Harry?'But Harry didn't tarryTo find out if he don't or he do know.

There was a young girl from DevizesWhose tits were of two different sizesOne was quite smallAnd was no use at allThe other was huge, and won prizes

There was an old man from the sticksWho enjoyed making up limericksBut he failed at the sportCos he wrote them too short

There was a mathematician named HallWho had a hexahedronical ball,The square root of its weightTimes his d1ck minus eightWas 4/5s of 5/8s of feck all.

A randy young man from NantucketHad a p3n1s so big he could suck itHe said, with a grinWiping $punk from his chin'If my ear was a c**t I could f**k it'

Ohhhhh, that was a terrible songSing us another oneJust like the other oneSing us another one do ....

There was a young lady from EalingWho had a peculiar feelingShe sat on a matopened her pr@tand pi$$ed all over the ceiling

There was a young girl from The AzoresWhose fánny was covered in soresAll the dogs in the streetWould sniff at the meatThat hung in festoons from her draws

A mathematician from DevonWas trying to get to heavenOn the strength of his tryAt the value of Pi3.1415927

A mosquito was heard to complainThat the chemists were poisoning his brainThe cause of his sorrowWas para-dichloroDiphenyltrichloroethane

A better maths whizz from KuwaitSaid he had more digits, too late:3.141592653589793238

There was a blond boy from West Hamwho hastily boarded a tramwhen he had embarked the conductor remarked 'Your fare sir?' he answered 'I am'

There was a young man fron Balsheen who invented a w*nking machine on the ninety ninth strokethe facking thing broke and whipped his bollocks to cream

There was a young man named Ghandiwho popped into a pub for a shandyhe lifted up his loin clothto wipe off the frothand the barmaid said 'Blimey, that's handy'

There was a young man from BelgraveWho found a dead **** in a cave'Although it's disgustingshe only needs dustingand think of the money I'll save'

**** = wh ore

There was a young black man named Drewho went off to his first job one dayhe didn't like work so he started to shirk and now he's on J.S.A.

racist reported

although not a limerick, a poem. but still makes me laughRoses are redViolets are blueI've got tourettesCheese on toast.

There was an old man from BombayWho moulded a Cu*t out of clayThe heat of his pr1ckTurned the clay into brickAnd wore all his foresk1n away....

There was a young fella named PaulWho was extremely tallWhilst lying in bedHe would stretch out his legAnd turn out the light in the hall

A fella named abattoir DanCame up with a cunning planA post and a tweetAbout obtaining HorsemeatBut didn't reckon on kenny mann

There was a young man from Dundeewho was stung on the nose by a waspwhen asked Did it hurt?'he said 'No, not a lot, it can do it again if it likes' Bert - c 2006

Walked into a shop known as Corals A place of dubious moralsCan i have fifty at eights?When were you born mate?So began the inevitable quarrel.

Bert - c 2006 The Bert bit is almost right anyway.It's a very slight variation on a limerick written by the Gilbert half of Gilbert and Sullivan in the late 1800s

There was a young man from RangoonWho was born a fortnight too soonIt wasn’t his luck to be born by a fruckBut a rack off put in by a spoon

there was a young man named Bill Hunt who went on the river to puntthe punt sank with him but the tw*t couldn't swimwhat a facking great useless idiot I was stuck for a rhyme there

there once was a vicar called simswho dreamt of sexual things his secret desire was a boy from the choirwith an arse like a jelly on springs