Those not so endearing dumb ar$sed things your wife does

are you facking mad? do not give her another one (card)

if its any consolation you could be talking about my mrs, sounds like something she'd do.....sold a car recently which still had 9 months tax left on it, I took the disc out to reclaim it as it wasnt in the deal, next day went to where Id left the disc and it was gone, she'd ripped it in half and binned it when tidying up....honestly the stuff she's binned Im unaware off makes me shudder

the phone call to Amex later was fun.

But Mr Unemployable you've only validated the cards less than half an hour ago

Yeah I know, welcome to my world.

Another example from a month or so ago...

Watching the Portillo railway journeys programme where he's driving a steam loco.

Jackie says - That looks complicated, how do they steer them?

I look at her aghast, they're on rails Jackie.

Well I know that, I'm not an idiot, but they do go round bends don't they!

Oh ffs, I'm going to the pub.

Rearranges the furniture while im not in, shes five foot nothing, how does she move all ffs. My mother was the same.

oh dear even a 3 year old with a fisher price plastic railway gets the concept


my mrs, 'wonder whats in that cheero pody shop?


like yourself looking on open mouthed not knowing whether to laugh or give a right hook....chiropody love,he looks after peoples feet..

lol rop

Another one springs to mind (pardon the pun)

Jackie came back home from shopping,

Oh mike look, I've bought daisy a proper slinky

wtf have you bought that for?

Oh they're brilliant, I had one as a kid, you put them at the top of the stairs & they go all the way down to the bottom, she'll love it.

But Jackie we live in a bungalow

I know, it's a shame isn't it.

I walk away shaking my head.

who's mike?

My Mrs calls football kits/strips, uniforms, ffs

women know your limits...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7swLLdF7ns

I will add that somehow, this person somewhere in her past garnered an MA in art history.

And they say exams are easy now!

But there again - Art history? - proper degree?

similar here and a decent business....the mnd boggles

mind^

Oh, that reminds me, another one.

I was trading the snooker a while back & she had the girls round for a chat. They all went to pick the kids up & I felt it safe to move back into the lounge.

She came back & I said to her that one of her friends had left their phone behind.

Oh that's Tricia's

I went to make a cuppa.

Came back & she was texting.

Who are you texting now?

Mind your own business nosey, I'm just texting Tricia to let her know I've got her phone.

Looked at her unbelievingly, waiting for the penny to drop - what are you looking at me like me like that for.

Shook my head & went back to my office.

2 mins later there were a few beeps & Jackie said - Oh that's not my phone, Tricia must have got a text.

I sh1t you not!

"Is that soup peppery?"

"Why not try it and see?"

"I'd just like to know if it's peppery....is it?"

"If you want to put pepper in it....put pepper in it."

"I'd rather just know if it's peppery"

"Why don't you make the soup, then you can put all the pepper in it you want!"

"If you'd like I could make the soup"

"WOULD IT BE PEPPERY?!"

"I'd tell you if it was"

"In future you make the soup then".

"Is this soup peppery?"

"Well, I put f***ing pepper in it!"

"Is it peppery though?"

"Yes."

lol

Oh, I'd almost forgotten the trip to birmingham.

We're in Surrey, my family in N Wales. My daughter going up to stay with relatives, meeting half-way on the B'ham toll road.

Jackie, it's wimbledon, gotta work, you'll have to take her love.

Drops little one off ok at 12ish. Thank christ.

Got a phone call at 4 o clock.

Hi love, you nearly home?

I'm in Bristol

lol, wtf are you doing there

got lost

hmm, why?

got confused with the road signs.

ok, easy done, you ok now.

yaeh, should be home in 3 hours

ok, see you soon.

8pm I'm completely lost

where are you?

what a fecking stupid question, if I knew that...

didn’t you turn the sat nav on?

Oh that bloody thing!

ok, very late, my final offering & all true btw. This one is my absolute favourite, bless you Jackie.

This one’s more an exercise in gullibility

Driving back from my parents in wales by the scenic route. Rolling hillsides, magnificent scenery.

Jackie comments on the sheep grazing on a very steep hill.

I tell her in an offhand manner that mutation & natural selection have led to sheep having legs 6 inches shorter on one side than the other so that they can stand on the steep hillsides easier.

Wow, I never knew evolution could act that fast - That’s just like those sheep on Orkney that developed webbed feet that you told me about. (that is a fact btw).

As the journey goes on I explain to her that like humans, handedness is somewhat  random & that some sheep are shorter on one side than the other.

As I explain, the implications of this are that some sheep walk clockwise up the hills & some walk anti-clockwise, & that mating can never occur between sheep walking in opposite directions.

This abstrude nonsense made for a very enjoyable drive!

On holiday in Greece some years ago, my late wife and I were walking down a street at night, and she said to me 'is that the same moon as we have at home?'

We let our then 13 year old child in the house on his own, she turned to him and said "Make sure you don't answer the phone to anyone unless it's us." (These were the days before number recognition.)

We live close to an airport and a plane flew over our heads, she turned to me and said "I wish I was on that right now",

"FFS you stupid bint, it's coming into land" I replied.

great thread.

Was in a supermarket with an old girlfriend , she pointed to some pork loin in the freezer & squealed in horror, OH LOOK,LION.

We were once playing Trivial pursuit and a question came up about who a certain Chinese actress was married to(Answer was Chairman Mao)

She said C'mon, Give us a clue!!

I said "little red book"

Her answer was "Oh its Michael Aspell"   

This question to Rhodri Giggs.

"Why does Jan keep signing her texts as Lorraine?"
"? What? Let me have a look"
I look
"FFS, it's LOL, means Laugh Out Loud"

then 2 days ago
"I don't know why, but Mel can never spell my name right on texts"
"What do you mean?"
"She always puts a letter and number"
I look
"M8 - MATE"

Many years ago we went for a weekend away in Exeter. Went to get the train home on the Sunday afternoon but found we had a 45 minute wait for the train.

Decided to the pub across the road for a drink. Outside is a blackboard which says "No Travellers". She says to me, "better not say we're getting the train"

When me and my mrs first lived together she was doing the dusting and had turned all the pegs on three guitars into straight lines.

'They look tidier now.'

ffs !!

winkle
you are blo0dy lucky to have someone caring for you like that

AND SHE WAS RIGHT  they do look tidier!!!!  ha ha!!!!
and I bet as you were reading the FT you didn't lift your slippered feet as she went round

Another belter from mrs tmp.

On holiday in Cumbria, as you drive from Bowness to Ambleside, you come down a slight hill and approach the shores of Windermere, where the road has a right angled turn to run along the shore.

On the corner of that turn is a house.... on the right....

For some stupid reason the owner advertises this by having a sign on the road side that says 'Drive on the right'... 

Oh yes she facking did !!

And as I grabbed the wheel and got us back on the left, a Mountain Goat bus came around the bend and missed us by inches.

'I was doing what the sign said' was her response to the obvious question.

the phone call to Amex later was fun.

But Mr Unemployable you've only validated the cards less than half an hour ago

Yeah I know, welcome to my world.


Well worthy of a

Gentlemen. We all think we have it bad. We all, without doubt, have it good compared to this poor sod.
http://mil-millington.com/

Good read
Relieved to hear I didn't end up marrying the only one!

twomatchpoints     09 Mar 12 12:03

Told the missus once that if she was going out for a run or bike ride and got lost, then she should look at the satellite dishes on the sides of houses as they always point to the south...Her response:-

"What if you want to go north?"

Another time when heading down to West London from the M1 and needing J15 (the M4), she turned left at the M25 clockwise and continued to count all the junctions off until she got to J15 about 100 miles later!!

And finally, the current missus whilst discussing what would happen if a bomb went off in the Channel Tunnel, and whether all the water would leak in?   Perhaps not such a stupid question until I discovered that she thought it was just a big tube on stilts.

A recent one from a friend's mrs.

We were on xbox live and she was getting ready to go out.

Throughout the game I could hear her going on and on about him not helping her find the hair comb.

He was attempting to turn the microphone off but I could still hear as she was getting him wandering around lifting everything and moving things.

After about 10 minutes of this he exclaimed "it's in your f**king hair".  She went silent and the game continued

Perhaps not such a stupid question until I discovered that she thought it was just a big tube on stilts. 

More driving lunacy from mrs tmp :

We were in a B&B in the middle of nowhere in Cumbria, and I had driven to the nearest town twice so I knew the road well enough to speed a bit. Even though it was 6 feet 6 with passing places, the view for over half a mile was clear.

I was descending the hill at 70 in the rain when she shouted at the top of her voice 'STOO-O-O-O-P!!'

I slammed on the anchors and stopped.

She looked out of the rear window and made the following statement 'I think you ran over a frog.'

FFS!!

AND ANOTHER ONE..

The following day she was driving back to the B&B, up the same hill.

It had been raining heavily but had now stopped. I opened the window to rest my arm on the door, but she was too close to my side and my arm was getting wet touching overgrown foliage as we passed it.

I said 'Move over a bit.'

She moved to the facking left and I had to grab the wheel to stop the car going down a drainage ditch.

She said 'I thought you meant move your way as I was close to the bushes this side.'

'Close, not actually in them, is normal' I said. 

She decided it was my fault for not being clear enough.

Good thread. Bless em

This evenings wisdom from mine over dinner;
She has various cleaning jobs. Todays is at the home of an elderly couple, but the woman there is in hospital at the moment for a hip operation, and their daughter is up staying at the house and looking after her dad.
The Mrs tells me that the daughter is pleasant enough and she has bought her dog with her.
'What sort of dog?'
'Oh you know, the sort in that film, 101 Dalmations'
'A Dalmation?'
'I think so, yes'

i agree with Mrs tmp.

We was driving down M23 past Gatwick. See huge jumbo jet which appeared to be hovering... Says to wife look he's hovering waiting to land. In all seriousness she tells me she never knew they could hover...

Just to even the score 

I was really ill in bed and the post came.  Richard, one of my ex boyfriends,  told me that a replacement card had come for me so I asked him  to deal with it.  He then gave me the new card.

The next monday I was starting a new job in a solicitors but needed some money.  In my lunch break I went into the bank and asked for some money but after putting my card through they said there was a problem with the processing site and could I wait.  I said I would come back in a few minutes.  When I went back I noticed that a police car had pulled up outside the bank.  However I went in and they asked me to wait in an office.  Next thing there were police in the room asking why I was trying to use a cancelled card.  The dumb twit had cut up the wrong card.  This was a very, very long time ago, probably today they would not bother.

So men are dumb too 

A girl at work was suffering badly from Hay Fever with her nose running and eyes streaming.

"You should be taking something for that" I suggested

"I can't. I'm allergic to hysterectomies"

'You see when we went to Turkey? Did we fly over the moon?'

Ex drove down to London from the north to see her sis in south London, got to the M25, thought it seemed a long way round and decided it would be quicker just to nip through the Capital. Took almost 4 hours.

plenty of genuine lol moments


'I think you ran over a frog'

Had friends coming to stay in Essex for a wedding. They were coming from London. They called from Leicester saying that they were lost. Good work imo.

my misses made dresses for dolls and sold them on ebay ,got bored with it so she gave the rest to the school fair,

my youngest daughter asked me for a few quid for the school fair ,gave her a fiver,when she came home asked her what she,d bought,she showed me 5 doll dresses, hang on are they the ones you gave to the school fair,yes the misses replys ,well why the fook did you let her buy them ,"because thats what she wanted was the reply)

I think there's a certain innocence coming across.
We got delayed by a day on a flight home, didn't affect us as we were in a relative's pad but on the plane they announced everyone was getting a free drink.
I told her to get me a whiskey and coke then went to the lav, when I got back my drink was there but she only had a can of mixer. I asked where her booze was and she said she didn't want one.
I steamed for 8 fecking hours that she didn't think on to get 'hers' for me

^ that is so typical, why don't they just think ffs 

When I lived at home my friends had a friend called Susan.
One day she attempted to drive from Rayleigh in Essex to Great Yarmouth in Norfolk
She called her husband from Sittingbourne in Kent (having gone through the Dartford Tunnel)to say she was lost.
(And for those about to point out my error, this was well before the QE2 bridge)

creatureinthesky

thatb gave me a good chuckle.

A few weeks back wife came back from shopping Think I need a new exhaust
she says is it noisy I asked well when I press the accelerator it is

This might be a common female trait, but...
My wife will happily boil a kettle for a cuppa. No problem there.
But, if she needs to boil something on the hob, she will fill the pan with cold water and bring that to the boil on the hob, rather than taking a fraction of the time and cost and boiling water in the kettle which sits 6 inches to the left of the hob.

Guy I worked with mrs called him to say she'd switched on the deep fat fryer and it was spitting.
He asked exactly what she'd done and turn out as the oil was a bit low, she'd bunged in a couple of cups of water

When rearranging the kitchen my missus decided to put the cups in the cupboard above the breadbin and the jams etc in the cupboard above the kettle on the other side of the kitchen.

Took me ages to get her to see how daft that was.

Women and 'time and motion' - it's a no-go.
I will put the kettle on then while it's boiling, I re-fill the water filter, prepare the coffee / tea, add milk to coffee, or at least get it out for tea, kettle boils, pour out.
Wife will get cups. Put in coffee / tea. Get milk. Then put kettle on and wait while it boils.
Then complain that she hasnt got time to drink it before she goes to work / does the school run etc.
And we run out of filtered water.

Girlfriend had her mates round to watch a film that was on very late.
I asked her why she doesn't just put the video of it on now which is sitting there on the shelf about 2 foot away, instead of waiting up for hours to watch the film.
She looked at me as if I was insane.

I am not alone then.

Again the ex, once driving along a fairly busy dual carriageway, there was a car ahead waiting to pull out of a side street and she stopped in the middle of the road and waved them out.

Missus was driving I was reading the paper, she wanted me to tell her what happened in eastenders next week by looking in the tv section.  I decided to make it up, "

"Monday: news of rickys death shocks Albert square"

Oh no, I really liked him, how does he die?

Dunno, doesn't say.  Tuesday: a  bomb goes off at the minimart, al qaeeda are the suspects, but Phil Mitchell is arrested by the police.

A bomb?  In the minimart?

Apparently.  Thursday:  flight number x182 Scheduled for the south of France crash lands on top of the Vic killing all passengers and possibly some of the regulars.  But who has survived?

Really?

Yes.  Friday: as the square recover from yesterdays events, an escaped elephant from Walford zoo mars proceedings at rickys funeral.

Oh, you're just making it up.

Apparently.  Wednesday: flight number

My daughter has a mutant hamster with only 1 tooth, it grows approx an inch a month (I sh1t you not) 1st time at the vets vet produces a pair of nail clippers & snips it off: cost £15.00.

Quick calculation reveals that over life expectancy of 5 yesrs thats gunna cost me £900, Fcuk that i thought, straight onto ebay & bought specialist dog nail clippers and bottle of Chloroform substitute, following month out come the clippers & Chloroform, hammy asleep, tooth removed £15 saved.

Wife standing watching "whats that then ?" explained what Chloroform did & got the stare, followed by the "dont be so stupid" explained again at length what it does & placed it safely on the top shelf in the kitchen and went to put hammy back in his cage.

Crashhhhhhhhhh bang wallop, raced back into the kitchen to find the silly nosey mare fast sleep on kithchen floor with said Chloroform bottle spilt on floor beside her, bent down quickly to pick her up very close to where bottle had spilt.





















Neither of us woke up til next morning - silly fookin bitch

^If that is true it's the best post I've seen on here.

Loads of good ones on here.  Didn't know you could get bottles of chloroform in the house.

I can't believe that's true but it's fecking brilliant.

It's 100% true, i sh1t you not


Silly b1tch said to me same day,  "do you become immune to that stuff if youve done it once"

I nearly shat mesen

It's a very funny story and you tell it well.

C.F

I didn't even know you could buy chloroform.  Great story.

As we watched the opening scenes of Pirates of The Caribbean I could almost hear the GF's mind ticking over planning our next holiday as she saw the beautiful scenery.  She leaned over and whispered to me "Whereabouts is this set?"


Eating a pickled egg the other week she pulled a face and said "this is disgusting - it tastes like it's been soaked in vinegar".


And I've had to explain why when we're driving along the moon follows alongside the car.

i don't care if CFK's post is true or not


thank fook i wasnt drinking

I love the chloroform story. Sounds a good way to shut them up when they're wittering away about bollox all during the football.

I love the chloroform story. Sounds a good way to shut them up when they're wittering away about bollox all during the football.

Not as funny as the chloroform story by a long way.

Back in the 1980s. sitting in my mates house one night, he put a film in the VCR.

His mrs said 'What film is it?'

He said 'Wait and find out, but you won't like it'   

The film started, and a big red 'C' came on the screen, then shrank to the middle and left, followed by a big red 'O' which did the same.

She was sitting there saying C.C.C....CO...KO...KO

then came a 'D'

so she said 'COD'

followed by an 'E'

but instead of saying 'CODE' she said 'CODDY'

me and my mate looked at each other and stopped ourselves from laughing

an 'N' appeared and we now had 'CODDIN'

followed by an 'A'

'CODDINA...what's coddina?'

followed by an 'M'

'CODDINAM, is that near Vietnam?'

and a final 'E'

Now, you can all see that this spells CODENAME

but even when the words 'THE SOLDIER' appeared in one hit underneath it, she still said 

'CODDYNAMMY - THE SOLDIER'

And ever since then, if we are in each other houses and a war film comes on, we say to her 'Remember CODDYNAMMY?'



I suppose you had to be there.

it seems you did

her "whats that man doing standing in that field like that"

me " it's a scarecrow love."

her "why does it take longer to fly back from Cyprus than it does going?"

me " cos we are flying up the world love rather than down"

her "aaaah"

Why don't you help around the house?

I help as much as I can, but I'm out working full time.

I could work full time.

OK, well, I could go part time and you could up your hours to cover the slack.

Oh right so you just want to work less?

No, I'm just trying to be reasonable.

OH RIGHT, so is it reasonable that I always have to do all the cooking and cleaning?

Well if we balanced out the working hours we could balance out the homely stuff.

So you think I'm not doing it right?

Not at all but if we split the workload......

...Is that all you think I can do - clean up after you?

OK, lets swap. I'll work part time, you work full time and I'll take care of the house.

..........

..............

...................

So you do think you could do it better!?

No, what you do is fine.

FINE! You ungrateful b**tard.

Tonights episode;
'Does Chris (11 yr old son) need a passport to go to the Isle of Wight?' (This years summer scout camp)
I put on my best 'oh ffs' face and replied 'yeah, of course'
'Better check when his expires'
I just have, and its about a month before he goes. See how long I can get away with not being arsed about renewing it before she actually tries to do it herself.

Had a trip down to London yesterday to see the family, it's about 110 miles. Once we leave home, after 5 or 6 roundaobuts in the 40 miles across country, it's plain sailing for 70 miles on the A14 and M11. We got on to the A406, and as we stopped at a roundabout, when she hit the brakes, the oil light came on. 

'It's never done that before' she said, 'and I topped it up this morning.' 

When we moved on, the light went out, but came on again at the next roundabout.

'It's low' I said 'it's washing along the sump when you brake, and the sender unit can't read the level because you haven't put enough in.' 

She swore blind she had.

I said 'I'll check it when the engine has cooled down.'

I went outside a few hours later and saw an oil patch under the car, and streaks of oil on the bumper.       

I opened the bonnet and could'nt believe the facking mess, oil had been sprayed everywhere. She had forgotten to put the filler cap back on, it was resting on the top of the engine.

She walked to the garage and got another gallon, and the engine took three quarters of it.

If that was my car we'd be off to the divorce court.

Now I have to get the mess out of the engine compartment. I have a Karcher power washer, but water won't move it, will it?

I would have thought so if you give it a brushing down with paraffin first, obviously if it is petrol you do no you have to protect the electrics?

I was once once asked why the flight time back to England from Sweden was 15 minutes shorter than the outward journey, I told her it was because the journey was downhill on the way back, to which she replied 'oh yeah, never thought of that'

I left it at that and continued reading the paper.....

the mind boggles...

History Maker

09 Mar 12 20:49

Had friends coming to stay in Essex for a wedding. They were coming from London. They called from Leicester saying that they were lost. Good work imo.

That is pure comedy gold

My wife went to pick up one of our kids (Callum) from a party a couple of weeks ago.  When she gets there our eldest son rings to ask her to pick him up after a sleepover, but its in a completely different direction and she virtually has to pass our house on the way home on the way to picking up our eldest son.  She rings me to say can I drive out to meet her (taking our 7yo old daughter in the back of my car) and take Callum home while she continues on her way.  I diplomatically tell her that is insane, and that if she is tired and wants some help to drop Callum off, and I will go out immediately she gets back to pick our eldest son up.

Instead she drives on from picking up Callum, and instead of taking the 2 minute detour to drop him off home keeps him in the car while she takes the extra hour and a bit round trip to pick up our eldest up.  She gets home in a foul mood saying what an ungrateful and obnoxious child Callum is for "moaning the entire journey" about not being dropped off.  You can't win.

Brilliant thread

^^ I'll second that

I have plenty for this thread. My other half is an absolute gem for these. Will recount a few but will start with my all time favourite:

We were at Alnwick Gardens on holiday in Northumberland, entering the place from the car park across the road. Around the entrance was a bit of a state as they were building a new area inside so had diggers, traffic cones, etc. strewn about. We walked past a big sign that said 'Heavy Plant Crossing' and I said "Heavy plant crossing? I wonder what they are moving" to which she replied "I don't know...oak trees?"

Mrs c: 'Me and the girls at work were having a conversation at lunchtime and we couldn't agree on something. I said I'd ask you'
me: 'ok.....'
Mrs c: 'Can ducks fly?'

Memory jogged by Mrs SFs tale of two days ago.

I remember her younger sister, back in the late 80s,  being told for a joke that you put engine oil in the hole where the dipstick goes. She put the oil in using a tin foil 'funnel', and never spilled a drop. It took her 4 hours.

At a Christmas Market in France we passed a homemade cake stall where a woman was decorating biscuits and cakes by icing the word Noel on top.

I said "Oh look, personalised cakes. Wonder why she is writing the same on all of them though?"
Other half replies "Maybe she's just practicing and Noel is her son's name".