Oldest jokes i can remember,

Q : What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave?

A : A microwave won't turn your meat brown.


And really, really  old... 

Q : What have Spocks mum and the Faulkland Islands got in common? 

A : They've both been fu(ked by Vulcans.

A :

what do napalm and gary glitter have in common?
they can both strip the clothes off a vietnamese toddler in 2 seconds!

Jackcole, surely by now most casual observers burst into spontanious laughter the moment you start to masturbate over your dvds of Noel's houseparty

what is noels houseparty ?

I have my own teeth.

Yeah, probably in a Pickle Jar.

JackCole, you are my herooo! what else can you spelll you tremendously brilllliant mann?

can you spell smalll nobbber?

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......

I spent three months in Capri this summer, to finish my book.
I'm a very slow reader.

He was charged with killing a man with sandpaper, but he claimed he only intended to rough him up a bit.

Just received my water bill for $200! Oxfam claims they can supply a whole African village for just $2 a month.........maybe it's time I changed supplier.

I saw a poor old lady slip and fall in the street today
At least I think she was poor since she only had £1.60 in her purse.

Has anyone seen that film "The Tractor" yet?
It looks good but I've only seen the trailer.

If it had been a cheese roll it would never have got past him.   Graham Gooch on Shane Warne's "ball of the century", which Mike Gatting missed.

My new girlfriend's a raver and keeps trying to get me into it. She won't techno as an answer.

The Matthew Upson joke is a cracker. Keep them coming Bigmo.

ditto

Now Eddie Stobart’s dead they’ve found out that he was HGV positive.

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!”