Chit Chat
Welcome to Live View – Take the tour to learn more
Start Tour
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
If people on Facebook can post they are putting the kettle on and getting 'like' comments for it, this crap could win the Pultitzer Prize. 
Not as good as previous years
but it has it's moments. 
NOT A GOOD START TO THE WEEK
I left home at about 3-00 p.m. on Monday. I was on my way to Halesowen to see a bookie before going on to the hotel at West Bromwich, where we all meet for dinner at roughly 7-30 p.m.
Cruising along the A14 from Huntingdon, Rolling Stones blaring out of the speakers, at a leisurely 70 m.p.h. because of the average speed cameras, all was going well. About 10 miles from the A14/M6 junction there was a 40 footer on it’s side on the opposite side of the carriageway, blocking the whole road. ‘ Fack getting stuck behind that. ’ I thought, feeling lucky that I was going in the opposite direction.
A few miles later the A14 came to a standstill. All traffic coming down the opposite carriageway was being turned round by the police at the A14/M6 roundabout, causing chaos.
I did what most other drivers do, I went down the outside lane (which was the wrong one for me) I must have passed 500 cars but nipped in between a car and a lorry on the inside lane. It took 20 minutes to do the last mile to the roundabout.
Fack knows how long I would have had to queue if I had stayed in the correct lane.
Got on the M6, cruised along at 80 m.p.h. to make up a part of the lost time, then off onto the M5 towards my destination. Could have gone faster but at high speeds this car gulps down petrol like an alcoholic with a case of beer. Supposed to come off at junction 3, but was breaking my neck for a piss, so I went past it to the services instead.
Couldn’t get back on the M5 in the opposite direction so I had to go down to junction 4 to turn round. I was told it was under a mile. Was it bollocks, it was more like 4 miles.
Got into Halesowen and did the usual tour of somewhere I’d never been before, due to not having a sat-nav. I passed a service station on the main road. If I had known it was there that would have saved me some time and petrol. Road signs hidden behind overgrown trees don’t help ffs. [>o] Spent about 40 minutes at ‘The Bookies’ which is the new name new name for the shop, then headed back up the M5 to junction 1 to the hotel in West Bromwich.
The first thing I noticed was that the shop called ****-z had changed it’s name to ****-i‘s, which is obviously much better.
Spoke to a bloke from Manchester about it, he said he had been working locally for 3 months and never seen it open. I said that there was a Turkish restaurant like that in Canning Town in east London. The restaurant was a front, it never served any meals, but there was a knocking shop in the flat above it.
Lizzie and Jenny were already there, sitting in the bar. The fun soon started. I checked in, got my ‘swipe card’ key and headed up to the 5th floor. Out of the lift, swiped the card to get onto the corridor where the rooms are, and to my dismay, found that I was in the room that was furthest from the lift. Lugged the suitcase down the corridor, swiped the card in the lock, and BINGO!! as expected, it didn’t facking work.
Back down to reception, got the card re-swiped, and by now, Josey Wales had arrived and was in the bar with his daughters. I went back up to my room, got stuff sorted, and then down to the bar.
Arthur and Katie got in the lift on the 4th floor.
Charlotte, A young and rangy filly, (also the quiz host in ‘The Wagon’ in Newmarket) had joined us for her first outing to the races. I think she thought it was going be quiet as she bought a book with her !!
Wee Richie arrived late. The journey by public transport being a bastard from Greenock, up there in Scawtland. I think it was Greenock to Glasgow, then Carlisle, then Wolverhampton, and a taxi from there.
As always, his boots were highly polished.
Not much has changed in a year at meal time. The veggies got stuck into some concoction that I would never touch in a thousand years, and the waitress asked me ‘How would you like your steak ?’
Due to the presence of demure types like Jenny and Lizzie I resisted saying ‘Pull the horns out and clean the arse.’ and settled for ‘Medium, please.’
At least I got served this year, unlike last year when my first night steak escaped me and went wandering somewhere else in the restaurant.
Those that drank beer were drinking Peronis, and Joseys O.C.D. had subsided as he got through 3 bottles without picking the label off the outside. [smiley:crazy]
Dessert for me, Arthur and Richie, was a smoke outside.
Josey no doubt ate something that he didn’t want, but then again, he always ‘struggles’ through it.
Not as good as previous years
but it has it's moments. NOT A GOOD START TO THE WEEK
I left home at about 3-00 p.m. on Monday. I was on my way to Halesowen to see a bookie before going on to the hotel at West Bromwich, where we all meet for dinner at roughly 7-30 p.m.
Cruising along the A14 from Huntingdon, Rolling Stones blaring out of the speakers, at a leisurely 70 m.p.h. because of the average speed cameras, all was going well. About 10 miles from the A14/M6 junction there was a 40 footer on it’s side on the opposite side of the carriageway, blocking the whole road. ‘ Fack getting stuck behind that. ’ I thought, feeling lucky that I was going in the opposite direction.
A few miles later the A14 came to a standstill. All traffic coming down the opposite carriageway was being turned round by the police at the A14/M6 roundabout, causing chaos.
I did what most other drivers do, I went down the outside lane (which was the wrong one for me) I must have passed 500 cars but nipped in between a car and a lorry on the inside lane. It took 20 minutes to do the last mile to the roundabout.
Fack knows how long I would have had to queue if I had stayed in the correct lane.
Got on the M6, cruised along at 80 m.p.h. to make up a part of the lost time, then off onto the M5 towards my destination. Could have gone faster but at high speeds this car gulps down petrol like an alcoholic with a case of beer. Supposed to come off at junction 3, but was breaking my neck for a piss, so I went past it to the services instead.
Couldn’t get back on the M5 in the opposite direction so I had to go down to junction 4 to turn round. I was told it was under a mile. Was it bollocks, it was more like 4 miles.
Got into Halesowen and did the usual tour of somewhere I’d never been before, due to not having a sat-nav. I passed a service station on the main road. If I had known it was there that would have saved me some time and petrol. Road signs hidden behind overgrown trees don’t help ffs. [>o] Spent about 40 minutes at ‘The Bookies’ which is the new name new name for the shop, then headed back up the M5 to junction 1 to the hotel in West Bromwich.
The first thing I noticed was that the shop called ****-z had changed it’s name to ****-i‘s, which is obviously much better.
Spoke to a bloke from Manchester about it, he said he had been working locally for 3 months and never seen it open. I said that there was a Turkish restaurant like that in Canning Town in east London. The restaurant was a front, it never served any meals, but there was a knocking shop in the flat above it.
Lizzie and Jenny were already there, sitting in the bar. The fun soon started. I checked in, got my ‘swipe card’ key and headed up to the 5th floor. Out of the lift, swiped the card to get onto the corridor where the rooms are, and to my dismay, found that I was in the room that was furthest from the lift. Lugged the suitcase down the corridor, swiped the card in the lock, and BINGO!! as expected, it didn’t facking work.
Back down to reception, got the card re-swiped, and by now, Josey Wales had arrived and was in the bar with his daughters. I went back up to my room, got stuff sorted, and then down to the bar.
Arthur and Katie got in the lift on the 4th floor.
Charlotte, A young and rangy filly, (also the quiz host in ‘The Wagon’ in Newmarket) had joined us for her first outing to the races. I think she thought it was going be quiet as she bought a book with her !!
Wee Richie arrived late. The journey by public transport being a bastard from Greenock, up there in Scawtland. I think it was Greenock to Glasgow, then Carlisle, then Wolverhampton, and a taxi from there.
As always, his boots were highly polished.
Not much has changed in a year at meal time. The veggies got stuck into some concoction that I would never touch in a thousand years, and the waitress asked me ‘How would you like your steak ?’
Due to the presence of demure types like Jenny and Lizzie I resisted saying ‘Pull the horns out and clean the arse.’ and settled for ‘Medium, please.’
At least I got served this year, unlike last year when my first night steak escaped me and went wandering somewhere else in the restaurant.
Those that drank beer were drinking Peronis, and Joseys O.C.D. had subsided as he got through 3 bottles without picking the label off the outside. [smiley:crazy]
Dessert for me, Arthur and Richie, was a smoke outside.
Josey no doubt ate something that he didn’t want, but then again, he always ‘struggles’ through it.
Show More
THOSE QUAINT SPANISH LADIES
Josey and his beloved had been on a mini-break to Barcelona.
She probably had to drag Josey onto the plane.
Like Arthur, he hates flying.
A 6 feet plus ex-rugby player - wottawimp
He has duly been REPORTED.
Two idiots decided to try and mug Josey as they walked back to their hotel.
During the excellent regaling of this affair, Josey remarked ’We’re up and down the road so often that I’m on nodding terms with the ladies in the red light district.’
Which is not EXACTLY what your daughters want to hear at the dinner table but there you are.
One mugger tried to push the old bastard over (he was 54 last Friday) but failed.
Josey took the best known steps to chit chatters.
1) Raise arm and draw it back
2) Clench fist
4) Let a right hander go
Now… the astute, and also the numerically correct, will notice that step 3 is conspicuous by its absence.
Much to everybody’s amusement, except Ann’s, this was step 3.
As Josey drew back his arm to let the right hander go, in true chit-chat fashion, he hit Ann on the chin with his elbow.
Nonetheless, the muggers decided against further fisticuffs, and all was well.
Josey went up to his room at about 10-00 p.m. as usual, Jenny and Lizzy went up soon after. The rest of us chatted in side and outside (smoking) until midnight when we went up.
Josey and his beloved had been on a mini-break to Barcelona.
She probably had to drag Josey onto the plane.
Like Arthur, he hates flying.
A 6 feet plus ex-rugby player - wottawimp
He has duly been REPORTED.
Two idiots decided to try and mug Josey as they walked back to their hotel.
During the excellent regaling of this affair, Josey remarked ’We’re up and down the road so often that I’m on nodding terms with the ladies in the red light district.’
Which is not EXACTLY what your daughters want to hear at the dinner table
but there you are. One mugger tried to push the old bastard over (he was 54 last Friday) but failed.
Josey took the best known steps to chit chatters.
1) Raise arm and draw it back
2) Clench fist
4) Let a right hander go
Now… the astute, and also the numerically correct, will notice that step 3 is conspicuous by its absence.
Much to everybody’s amusement, except Ann’s, this was step 3.
As Josey drew back his arm to let the right hander go, in true chit-chat fashion, he hit Ann on the chin with his elbow.
Nonetheless, the muggers decided against further fisticuffs, and all was well.
Josey went up to his room at about 10-00 p.m. as usual, Jenny and Lizzy went up soon after. The rest of us chatted in side and outside (smoking) until midnight when we went up.
As Josey drew back his arm to let the right hander go, in true chit-chat fashion, he hit Ann on the chin with his elbow.
Very Good , he would have been betting with a southpaw stance
I'm sure these are great stories but could you possibly re-compose them in the form of a tweet?
Apart from the noise little birdies make, wtf is a tweet ?
TUESDAY MORNING
6-30 a.m. Had a cuppa.
Richie’s bedclothes stirred ‘ What time is it big John?‘
I said ‘ You don’t wanna know’
He said ‘Okay’ and went back to sleep.
Crossed the road for milk for my WEETABIX, fack all that fried stuff. Had half a cigar outside the hotel doors. Spoke to the Jamaican cleaner, same bloke who was there last year.
Arthur, who had been awake since 3-45 a.m. !! was already outside with a mug of coffee and a ****.
Got back upstairs, swipe card facking useless, so had to knock Richie up out of bed, but he was soon back in it.
At 8-00 a.m. Richie asked what time it was, so I told him.
I knew what was coming …. ‘Five more minutes’ he said.
I left him there and went downstairs to help load the cars.
Parking outside the hotel is murder, so when Josey gets his car out of a space, I stick my car in it so we can get back in when we get home from the races. Lugging gear from the underground car park is not on, and from the other side of the road is a non-starter as well. My car is kept overnight in a disabled space (free) in the long term car park on the other side of the road.
8-55 a.m. Off to the course
Lizzie and Jenny went in one car, me and Josey and loads of gear in his car, Arthur, Katie and Richie in another car, with a boot crammed full of computer stuff and two boards on the back seat with Richie. Charlotte was in either Lizzie’s or Arthur’s car, I didn’t know which as we’re generally the first away from the hotel.
Not that it matters, as there’s about as much chance of Arthur sticking to 70 m.p.h. as there is of me winning the world featherweight championship. Within 25 minutes he would always pass us in the outside lane, leaving a trail of tobacco smoke in the air, just like the old trains in the western movies. [smiley:crazy]
TUESDAY AT THE COURSE
Into the Dragon Vet Centre car park, which fills up with bookies who have probably all ’donated’ to the staff, such things as chocolates, wine, etc. They should consider themselves lucky that Josey doesn’t get in traffic jams, or the facking chocolate would never arrive. …1.01.
Then the hike into the course, lugging all the gear. Setting up doesn’t take that long. By 11-00 a.m. we run the expenses bill up with a cuppa each, at £1-70 a throw !!
Bookies come to and fro to chat to each other before the first show goes up.
I smoke a cigar.
Punters smile at the girls.
Arthur swears a lot.
Nothing changes.
Cleeve Hill was covered in mist when we arrived and I was the only one who never wore a jumper thinking that the mist would clear and the Sun would come out. I was wrong. I froze my bollocks off all day.
If we had got one good result I may have lit a small fire with dirty fivers.
Note the way that ‘fivers’ is spelt and how it is pronounced.
‘Divers‘ the first race winner, was pronounced ‘Deevers’ by the commentator. Arthur (a Glaswegian for those who have never read this bilge before) was jumping up and down SEETHING because he couldn’t find ‘ Deevers’ on the Betfair screen.
And when he did, he said ‘It’s ‘DIVERS’ you kaaaaaaant.'
I normally go out in front of the other joints to watch other bookies odds before the first race, and than again after the payout, if time allows. As race times approach it gets difficult to get back the joint to tell Josey changing prices because of the size of the crowd. So we had walkie-talkies to try and solve the problem. It didn’t work, when I pressed the button to speak, Josey wasn’t hearing anything. But when he called me, I heard him.
The first race came and went, and we had just finished the long pay out queue when the second race was under way. It wasn’t a good day (I can hear you lot sobbing as you read this). Only one favourite won but all the other winners were fancied in the markets.
Walkie talkies were abandoned before race 3 as the only thing I heard was somebody shouting at Jason (whoever he was) to get some magic markers down there (wherever that was) fast.
It was back to swerving punters and shoving through the throng to get to the joint.
I missed a lot of the banter as I had forgotten my hearing aid, but we did have a few laughs paying out the long queues of lucky punters.
Back at the hotel shortly after 7-00 p.m. As I came out of the lift on the 5th floor, Charlotte was waiting to go in. The usual thing, her swipe card wasn’t working. I got to our room (me and Richies, not me and Charlottes) and my card wouldn’t work either. By the time I got down to reception again, Charlotte had changed her card and gone. The receptionist apologised for the faulty cards and gave me a brand new card. I asked ‘Can I have one for my mate, we’re sharing a room.’ She didn’t ask for his name or anything, just handed over new card after she swiped it through her machine.
Top notch security !!
I went to the 4th floor as this where Richie would be, lugging some of Arthur’s gear to his room, and he can’t get in the 5th floor corridor with his faulty card. I can’t get into the 4th floor corridor with a 5th floor card, so I waited on the 4th floor outside the lifts. Richie came through the door from the 4th floor corridor and saw me standing by the lifts.
‘Where am I? ‘ he asked looking really confused.
’4th floor,‘ I laughed ‘Where do you think you are ?’
‘Not sure. How did you know where I was? he asked
‘Detective work.’ I said.
This was when he told me that he watches Midsomer Murders. Then he told me that there had been complaints because there were no black people in it.
I’ve never watched it so I had no idea what to say, so I said ‘There’s been a murr-da.’
Richie said ‘That’s Taggart. not Midsomer Murders'
He also avidly watches David Dickinson’s Real Deal. For some people, there is no hope. At least he said he never watches Eastenders, Coronation Street or any other soaps.
DINNER
The Shalimar Indian restaurant (I should get a bung for advertising it) was the venue for Tuesdays dinner. Due to Arthur and Katie running on a different time zone to the rest of us, meeting times don’t work, and I was ravenous by 9-00 p.m. Steak again, as I didn’t fancy the Indian menu that much.
Back to the hotel for a few drinks before bed, at least the swipe cards hadn’t packed up. We sat up until 12-45 a.m. watching the racing highlights on television.
6-30 a.m. Had a cuppa.
Richie’s bedclothes stirred ‘ What time is it big John?‘
I said ‘ You don’t wanna know’
He said ‘Okay’ and went back to sleep.
Crossed the road for milk for my WEETABIX, fack all that fried stuff. Had half a cigar outside the hotel doors. Spoke to the Jamaican cleaner, same bloke who was there last year.
Arthur, who had been awake since 3-45 a.m. !! was already outside with a mug of coffee and a ****.
Got back upstairs, swipe card facking useless, so had to knock Richie up out of bed, but he was soon back in it.
At 8-00 a.m. Richie asked what time it was, so I told him.
I knew what was coming …. ‘Five more minutes’ he said.
I left him there and went downstairs to help load the cars.
Parking outside the hotel is murder, so when Josey gets his car out of a space, I stick my car in it so we can get back in when we get home from the races. Lugging gear from the underground car park is not on, and from the other side of the road is a non-starter as well. My car is kept overnight in a disabled space (free) in the long term car park on the other side of the road.
8-55 a.m. Off to the course
Lizzie and Jenny went in one car, me and Josey and loads of gear in his car, Arthur, Katie and Richie in another car, with a boot crammed full of computer stuff and two boards on the back seat with Richie. Charlotte was in either Lizzie’s or Arthur’s car, I didn’t know which as we’re generally the first away from the hotel.
Not that it matters, as there’s about as much chance of Arthur sticking to 70 m.p.h. as there is of me winning the world featherweight championship. Within 25 minutes he would always pass us in the outside lane, leaving a trail of tobacco smoke in the air, just like the old trains in the western movies. [smiley:crazy]
TUESDAY AT THE COURSE
Into the Dragon Vet Centre car park, which fills up with bookies who have probably all ’donated’ to the staff, such things as chocolates, wine, etc. They should consider themselves lucky that Josey doesn’t get in traffic jams, or the facking chocolate would never arrive. …1.01.
Then the hike into the course, lugging all the gear. Setting up doesn’t take that long. By 11-00 a.m. we run the expenses bill up with a cuppa each, at £1-70 a throw !!
Bookies come to and fro to chat to each other before the first show goes up.
I smoke a cigar.
Punters smile at the girls.
Arthur swears a lot.
Nothing changes.
Cleeve Hill was covered in mist when we arrived and I was the only one who never wore a jumper thinking that the mist would clear and the Sun would come out. I was wrong. I froze my bollocks off all day.
If we had got one good result I may have lit a small fire with dirty fivers.
Note the way that ‘fivers’ is spelt and how it is pronounced.
‘Divers‘ the first race winner, was pronounced ‘Deevers’ by the commentator. Arthur (a Glaswegian for those who have never read this bilge before) was jumping up and down SEETHING because he couldn’t find ‘ Deevers’ on the Betfair screen.
And when he did, he said ‘It’s ‘DIVERS’ you kaaaaaaant.'
I normally go out in front of the other joints to watch other bookies odds before the first race, and than again after the payout, if time allows. As race times approach it gets difficult to get back the joint to tell Josey changing prices because of the size of the crowd. So we had walkie-talkies to try and solve the problem. It didn’t work, when I pressed the button to speak, Josey wasn’t hearing anything. But when he called me, I heard him.
The first race came and went, and we had just finished the long pay out queue when the second race was under way. It wasn’t a good day (I can hear you lot sobbing as you read this). Only one favourite won but all the other winners were fancied in the markets.
Walkie talkies were abandoned before race 3 as the only thing I heard was somebody shouting at Jason (whoever he was) to get some magic markers down there (wherever that was) fast.
It was back to swerving punters and shoving through the throng to get to the joint.
I missed a lot of the banter as I had forgotten my hearing aid, but we did have a few laughs paying out the long queues of lucky punters.
Back at the hotel shortly after 7-00 p.m. As I came out of the lift on the 5th floor, Charlotte was waiting to go in. The usual thing, her swipe card wasn’t working. I got to our room (me and Richies, not me and Charlottes) and my card wouldn’t work either. By the time I got down to reception again, Charlotte had changed her card and gone. The receptionist apologised for the faulty cards and gave me a brand new card. I asked ‘Can I have one for my mate, we’re sharing a room.’ She didn’t ask for his name or anything, just handed over new card after she swiped it through her machine.
Top notch security !!
I went to the 4th floor as this where Richie would be, lugging some of Arthur’s gear to his room, and he can’t get in the 5th floor corridor with his faulty card. I can’t get into the 4th floor corridor with a 5th floor card, so I waited on the 4th floor outside the lifts. Richie came through the door from the 4th floor corridor and saw me standing by the lifts.
‘Where am I? ‘ he asked looking really confused.
’4th floor,‘ I laughed ‘Where do you think you are ?’
‘Not sure. How did you know where I was? he asked
‘Detective work.’ I said.
This was when he told me that he watches Midsomer Murders. Then he told me that there had been complaints because there were no black people in it.
I’ve never watched it so I had no idea what to say, so I said ‘There’s been a murr-da.’
Richie said ‘That’s Taggart. not Midsomer Murders'
He also avidly watches David Dickinson’s Real Deal. For some people, there is no hope. At least he said he never watches Eastenders, Coronation Street or any other soaps.
DINNER
The Shalimar Indian restaurant (I should get a bung for advertising it) was the venue for Tuesdays dinner. Due to Arthur and Katie running on a different time zone to the rest of us, meeting times don’t work, and I was ravenous by 9-00 p.m. Steak again, as I didn’t fancy the Indian menu that much.
Back to the hotel for a few drinks before bed, at least the swipe cards hadn’t packed up. We sat up until 12-45 a.m. watching the racing highlights on television.
From the first post
The first thing I noticed was that the shop called
K
U
N
T
Z
had changed it’s name to
K
U
N
T
I'
S
which is obviously much better.
This shop does exist, I'm not making it up.
The first thing I noticed was that the shop called
K
U
N
T
Z
had changed it’s name to
K
U
N
T
I'
S
which is obviously much better.
This shop does exist, I'm not making it up.
I'm waiting for Friday as I have a bet on the colour of Study's shirt which hasn't been settled
It was the parrot shirt, with pink socks.
No flourescent gloves this time, he borrowed a pair of Jennys.
No flourescent gloves this time, he borrowed a pair of Jennys.
WEDNESDAY MORNING
I had a lie in, never got up until 7-00 a.m.
Richie had ‘ 5 more minutes’ no less than 15 times. Katie woke him up by phoning his mobile at 8-15 a.m.
Off to the course by 8-55 a.m. Bookies get in 30 minutes before the punters and there are about 250 on course.
The usual tricks of the trade were employed to get in without handing in all 9 tickets. Us 8 plus another lad related to Katie. Like Charlotte, it was his first time racing, and he was lapping it up.
I was lugging a trolley full of stuff and a fortune in change with one hand, and the joint umbrella under the other arm, I just carried on walking when the gateman asked for tickets and nodded towards the nearest bookie to me.
I never stop, I just let them sort it out between themselves
LIZZIEBAGS
Bank bags have set amounts of coins in them, coppers to £1, silver to £5, 50ps to £10 and £1 coins to £20.
LIZZIEBAGS however, are what get handed from the front of the joint to the pay out change rack at the back. They contain anything that she can cram into them, copper, silver, dodgy coins and the odd coat button, all mixed.
’I haven’t got time to count it.’ she says and laughs.
I have time..…apparently. [smiley:crazy] It’s amazing what she can cram into one
JENNY AND HER BBC VOICE
Jenny, who works with me on the payout, has a crystal clear BBC voice. Like Charlotte is learning to speak Glaswegian from Arthur [smiley:crazy] I have done my level best to teach Jenny the better parts of a cockney accent. She slips back into BBC if not reminded though.
Her best effort on the day was ‘One ‘undred an’ eighty. ’
She said ‘one‘ instead of ‘an’, but dropped the aitch beautifully, left the 'd' from the end of ‘and’ then pronounced the ‘t’ in eighty, instead of the cockney glottal stop.
More work needed, but I’ll get there in the end.
I tried to charge a 10% table tax for those that put their beer glass on it while collecting, but nobody paid.
Back at the hotel by 7-20 pm. And Josey said the plan was to eat in the restaurant at 8-00 p.m. As I left his room he said ‘ See you in about 20 minutes in the bar. ’
I laid Richie 20s they’d be on time.
I had a lie in, never got up until 7-00 a.m.
Richie had ‘ 5 more minutes’ no less than 15 times.
Katie woke him up by phoning his mobile at 8-15 a.m. Off to the course by 8-55 a.m. Bookies get in 30 minutes before the punters and there are about 250 on course.
The usual tricks of the trade were employed to get in without handing in all 9 tickets. Us 8 plus another lad related to Katie. Like Charlotte, it was his first time racing, and he was lapping it up.
I was lugging a trolley full of stuff and a fortune in change with one hand, and the joint umbrella under the other arm, I just carried on walking when the gateman asked for tickets and nodded towards the nearest bookie to me.
I never stop, I just let them sort it out between themselves
LIZZIEBAGS
Bank bags have set amounts of coins in them, coppers to £1, silver to £5, 50ps to £10 and £1 coins to £20.
LIZZIEBAGS however, are what get handed from the front of the joint to the pay out change rack at the back. They contain anything that she can cram into them, copper, silver, dodgy coins and the odd coat button, all mixed.
’I haven’t got time to count it.’ she says and laughs.
I have time..…apparently. [smiley:crazy] It’s amazing what she can cram into one
JENNY AND HER BBC VOICE
Jenny, who works with me on the payout, has a crystal clear BBC voice. Like Charlotte is learning to speak Glaswegian from Arthur [smiley:crazy] I have done my level best to teach Jenny the better parts of a cockney accent. She slips back into BBC if not reminded though.
Her best effort on the day was ‘One ‘undred an’ eighty. ’
She said ‘one‘ instead of ‘an’, but dropped the aitch beautifully, left the 'd' from the end of ‘and’ then pronounced the ‘t’ in eighty, instead of the cockney glottal stop.
More work needed, but I’ll get there in the end.
I tried to charge a 10% table tax for those that put their beer glass on it while collecting, but nobody paid.
Back at the hotel by 7-20 pm. And Josey said the plan was to eat in the restaurant at 8-00 p.m. As I left his room he said ‘ See you in about 20 minutes in the bar. ’
I laid Richie 20s they’d be on time.
staggy 24 Mar 11 08:22
Nive one Mr.W very good.
Hello Spence, long time no see.
How is the family ?
Have you got ad many kids as Terry yet ?
Nive one Mr.W very good.
Hello Spence, long time no see.
How is the family ?
Have you got ad many kids as Terry yet ?
7-45 p.m. and me and Richie were in the bar alone, as we were on Scottish time again. By the time everybody got into the bar (and I thought we were using the hotel restaurant) it was 8-30 p.m.
At least the results had been a lot kinder than Tuesday (like you care)
Katie had phoned The Park Inn, and she was told it was four minutes away. I’m the slowest walker of all so I never had time to go upstairs and get a jacket, while everybody else seemed to be wearing one. How come everybody else knew that we were going out of the hotel for dinner ?
And so…… under orders for the
PARK INN STAKES
Jenny and Lizzie broke fast and strode off along the road, followed by Katie and Charlotte, with me, Richie, Josey and Arthur off the pace. The young lad who was at the course lived local, so he wasn’t with us.
As we crossed the road, I said to Josey ’ It can’t be far, Arthur hasn’t lit a cigarette.’
The field then carried on as Arthur veered off into a shop for a packet of ciggies.
After Arthur had finished his ciggie, while walking along, Jenny and Lizzie were a good 150 yards in front of us with Katie and Charlotte midway between us.
Arthur asked the all important question ‘ Whose idea of four minutes was this ? Roger facking Banister ?’
We picked up the pace at the back, which made my calves ache, as the race leaders had stopped at a roundabout, not knowing where to go. It was facking cold with no jacket on.
We pooled all our vast geographical knowledge, then took a guess [smiley:crazy][smiley:crazy] and made off down a side street.
All was well as we soon saw the sign. ‘PARK INN’ pointing to the right.
All was not well for me as we turned the corner and saw a steep downhill gradient. I picked up speed, whether I wanted to or not, and Katie and Richie just got out of the way as I came thundering down the slope. I frowned when we got to the bottom as it climbed again, but not as steep. We had now been walking for 15 minutes and my calf muscles were tiring badly. I glanced back at the uphill walk I faced on the way back.
My legs asked my brain ’ Are you having a facking laugh ? Find a short cut back for facks sake.’
I didn't.
Seated in the restaurant I had heat in my tendons, was blowing hard, and my fetlocks were sore. But I still ate up heartily. A fair sized fish, which I enjoyed.
I had Richie on my right, an empty chair on my left, and Katie and Jenny opposite me. When the bread rolls came out they were accompanied by small packs of Anchor butter.
This was like Eliza Doolittle in reverse
I asked Jenny ‘Wossat?’ while pointing at the packs.
With a 100% perfect cockney glottal stop, she answered ‘Butter.’
My task to teach her cockney was getting much easier.
A few minutes later she ventured alone, picking up the water jug, with another 100% perfect glottal stop, she asked ’Water ?’
I had a glass full, I normally don’t drink the stuff, but I was pleased with her progress.
While Katie was busy talking I asked Richie for her mobile phone number. I dialled it with my mobile on my lap and she stopped yakking to get her phone from her handbag. As she picked it up I stopped it ringing. She glanced at it, never recognised the number and put it back in her handbag. About 10 minutes later I did the same again. Same thing.
‘ You okay ?’ Richie asked her.
‘Somebody wants to speak to me’ she said
Arthur asked ’Who?’
Kate said she didn’t know the number. I dialled it twice more in the next 15 minutes and hung up each time she answered it.
Katie has a ‘London Taste’ card. It gets you chunks off the price of meals at loads of participating restaurants.
HANDY THING TO HAVE FOR CHIT CHATTERS -HERE'S THE LINK
.
http://www.timeout.com/london/features/1718/Enjoy_50_off_at_over_3000_restaurants.html
I’ll have to get one as they make their profit on drinks, as I’m teetotal it’s a nice saver.
After dinner came the long slog back to the hotel (It was a 4 minute drive, not a facking 4 minute walk)
I spoke to a bloke outside smoking a ciggie. ’Are you a local, I need a short cut down back streets.‘
‘No’ he said ’I’m from Manchester.’
I said ‘ Do you know Alex Ferguson?’ and laughed.
He laughed.
I said ’I’m from London, I don’t do walking’
He laughed and said ‘Do you know the Queen?’
I said ‘ Yes’ and he stopped laughing.
Off I went in vain pursuit of the Outlaws.
I was tailed off before we got to the top of the hill, so I lit a cigar and had a leisurely stroll back.
i phoned Katie 3 times on the way back and said 'Malegzurt' she told me she couldn't understand me and that I had a wrong number.
I got back and sat in the bar for a while before going up to watch the racing highlights with Richie. .
Facking swipe card packed up again.
I went down to reception. I must have looked facked as the bloke on the desk gave me the direct phone number and said that if the card packs up again, call here, and somebody will come up to my floor. He offered to come up in the lift to check the card was okay.
He said ‘ These doors can be temperamental.’
I smiled and said ‘So can I. Lucky you gave me that phone number or the door might be coming down to reception with me.’
I don’t think he knew whether to smile or not, so he didn’t.
Cards were okay anyway, for the moment.
At least the results had been a lot kinder than Tuesday (like you care)
Katie had phoned The Park Inn, and she was told it was four minutes away. I’m the slowest walker of all so I never had time to go upstairs and get a jacket, while everybody else seemed to be wearing one. How come everybody else knew that we were going out of the hotel for dinner ?
And so…… under orders for the
PARK INN STAKES
Jenny and Lizzie broke fast and strode off along the road, followed by Katie and Charlotte, with me, Richie, Josey and Arthur off the pace. The young lad who was at the course lived local, so he wasn’t with us.
As we crossed the road, I said to Josey ’ It can’t be far, Arthur hasn’t lit a cigarette.’
The field then carried on as Arthur veered off into a shop for a packet of ciggies.
After Arthur had finished his ciggie, while walking along, Jenny and Lizzie were a good 150 yards in front of us with Katie and Charlotte midway between us.
Arthur asked the all important question ‘ Whose idea of four minutes was this ? Roger facking Banister ?’
We picked up the pace at the back, which made my calves ache, as the race leaders had stopped at a roundabout, not knowing where to go. It was facking cold with no jacket on.
We pooled all our vast geographical knowledge, then took a guess [smiley:crazy][smiley:crazy] and made off down a side street.
All was well as we soon saw the sign. ‘PARK INN’ pointing to the right.
All was not well for me as we turned the corner and saw a steep downhill gradient. I picked up speed, whether I wanted to or not, and Katie and Richie just got out of the way as I came thundering down the slope. I frowned when we got to the bottom as it climbed again, but not as steep. We had now been walking for 15 minutes and my calf muscles were tiring badly. I glanced back at the uphill walk I faced on the way back.
My legs asked my brain ’ Are you having a facking laugh ?
Find a short cut back for facks sake.’ I didn't.
Seated in the restaurant I had heat in my tendons, was blowing hard, and my fetlocks were sore. But I still ate up heartily.
A fair sized fish, which I enjoyed. I had Richie on my right, an empty chair on my left, and Katie and Jenny opposite me. When the bread rolls came out they were accompanied by small packs of Anchor butter.
This was like Eliza Doolittle in reverse
I asked Jenny ‘Wossat?’ while pointing at the packs.
With a 100% perfect cockney glottal stop, she answered ‘Butter.’
My task to teach her cockney was getting much easier.
A few minutes later she ventured alone, picking up the water jug, with another 100% perfect glottal stop, she asked ’Water ?’
I had a glass full, I normally don’t drink the stuff, but I was pleased with her progress.
While Katie was busy talking I asked Richie for her mobile phone number. I dialled it with my mobile on my lap and she stopped yakking to get her phone from her handbag. As she picked it up I stopped it ringing. She glanced at it, never recognised the number and put it back in her handbag. About 10 minutes later I did the same again. Same thing.
‘ You okay ?’ Richie asked her.
‘Somebody wants to speak to me’ she said
Arthur asked ’Who?’
Kate said she didn’t know the number. I dialled it twice more in the next 15 minutes and hung up each time she answered it.
Katie has a ‘London Taste’ card. It gets you chunks off the price of meals at loads of participating restaurants.
HANDY THING TO HAVE FOR CHIT CHATTERS -HERE'S THE LINK
.
http://www.timeout.com/london/features/1718/Enjoy_50_off_at_over_3000_restaurants.html
I’ll have to get one as they make their profit on drinks, as I’m teetotal it’s a nice saver.
After dinner came the long slog back to the hotel (It was a 4 minute drive, not a facking 4 minute walk)
I spoke to a bloke outside smoking a ciggie. ’Are you a local, I need a short cut down back streets.‘
‘No’ he said ’I’m from Manchester.’
I said ‘ Do you know Alex Ferguson?’ and laughed.
He laughed.
I said ’I’m from London, I don’t do walking’
He laughed and said ‘Do you know the Queen?’
I said ‘ Yes’ and he stopped laughing.
Off I went in vain pursuit of the Outlaws.
I was tailed off before we got to the top of the hill, so I lit a cigar and had a leisurely stroll back.
i phoned Katie 3 times on the way back and said 'Malegzurt' she told me she couldn't understand me and that I had a wrong number.
I got back and sat in the bar for a while before going up to watch the racing highlights with Richie. .
Facking swipe card packed up again.
I went down to reception. I must have looked facked as the bloke on the desk gave me the direct phone number and said that if the card packs up again, call here, and somebody will come up to my floor. He offered to come up in the lift to check the card was okay.
He said ‘ These doors can be temperamental.’
I smiled and said ‘So can I. Lucky you gave me that phone number or the door might be coming down to reception with me.’
I don’t think he knew whether to smile or not, so he didn’t.
Cards were okay anyway, for the moment.
He offered to come up in the lift to check the card was okay.
He said ‘ These doors can be temperamental.’
---------------------------------------------------------
he sounds like a gayer to me
He said ‘ These doors can be temperamental.’
---------------------------------------------------------
he sounds like a gayer to me
THURSDAY MORNING
Another lie in - I got up at 7-15
First things first - a cuppa and then outside for a smoke.
Over to the shop - WEETABIX - shower, and it’s 8-15.
Tossed a coin - it came down heads - no shave
Loaded the cars and off we went.
Katie let me know that I had not accomplished my mission of getting Richie a Betfair scarf. I didn’t even know they were giving them away this year, but as mine had not lost it’s colour, a lot of people thought it was new and asked me where I got it.
TRYING TO EXPLAIN THINGS TO A NEWCOMER
A youngish bloke came up to me and pointed to the Tote Board and asked ‘Will I be able to take 27.3 on horse number 1 ?’
It was going to be a long conversation.
I told him that if he had £100 on it, the price would no doubt drop, on the other hand if somebody had £1,000 on the favourite, the price would get larger, but the price you get is what it shows just before the off.
‘Why do they show the prices then ?‘ he asked
‘So you can choose between the Tote and the bookies if you know the difference‘ I replied.
'Whose prices are best ?’ he asked
I said ‘For forecasts, tricasts, jackpots, placepots and swingers you have to use the Tote. For a place only bet, that means it doesn’t have to win, just get in the frame, you have to use the Tote. For a win bet, where it obviously has to win, or an each way bet, where your stake is half win and half place, it has to get in the frame. If you’re backing a rank outsider, and it has a n unknown jockey on it, you’re probably better off on the Tote. ‘
How many horses count as ’in the frame ?’ he asked. [smiley:crazy]
I rattled off the place terms for all races from 4 to 17 runners, but didn’t mention a fifth or a quarter of the odds as I didn’t want to be answering questions all day. I told him that some of the big bookies pay the first 5 in some races, like the Triumph Hurdle, instead of the first 4.
‘Do you?’ he asked
‘ No, it’s March, not Christmas.’
‘How do you remember all that stuff?’ he asked
I replied ‘If you go racing or bet regularly, by the time you reach my age, somebody your age will ask you the same question. And you can show off. ’
‘Who do you bet with ?’ he asked
‘Bookies‘ I said ‘If the Tote was that good there wouldn’t be at least two hundred and fifty bookies on the course.’
There were other questions, which I answered politely.
But when he said thanks and walked away I thought ‘Thank fack he’s gone.’
SECURITY GUARDS
There are hundreds of them. Some are out and out idiots, mainly the arrogant coonts with goatee beards who walk like facking gorillas, and some are okay.
They have one stationed on the doors to the disabled toilet in the Best Mate enclosure all day. He has to unlock it to let somebody go in and relock it when they come out. It saves the morons going in there and wrecking the place. If you’ve ever seen the queues for the khazis in the Best Mate Enclosure, you need to get in the queue for a pi$$ about half an hour before you want to go. If you need a crap, either have it about 10-30 to 11-00 a.m or join a facking lonq queue inside the mens bogs.
Of course if you are utterly charming, like me, you have a word in the guards ear, and you get into the disabled khazi with no problem.
1) It saves a lot of time and
2) It doesn’t smell.
The only trips to the normal bogs are to stick my hands under the hand driers to get them warm. As I said previously, it was facking freezing on Tuesday.
A mediocre day book-wise.
Jenny coped well with cockney.
Josey had backache, but the miserable fackers in the Desert Orchid Bar wouldn’t let him have a stool like they did last year. To be fair, last years wooden efforts had been replaced with hi-tech stainless steel stools with cushions, and a fiver, which Josey paid last year, wasn’t going to cover the cost if it went missing.
Back to the hotel
Richie was happy, he had collared the two girls giving away Betfair scarves and had munged 5 of them, telling them that he worked for a bookie and if we al wore one it was a good advert for Betfair. He also got free Sun bags, folding Sun Umbrellas, and Sun woolly hats.
One has to keep up standards, and it would have top drop to 20 below freezing for me to don a Sun woolly hat.
Tonight we set off to invade Pizza Express, roughly opposite the Shalimar Indian Restaurant (2nd plug - more commission)
Another lie in - I got up at 7-15
First things first - a cuppa and then outside for a smoke.
Over to the shop - WEETABIX - shower, and it’s 8-15.
Tossed a coin - it came down heads - no shave
Loaded the cars and off we went.
Katie let me know that I had not accomplished my mission of getting Richie a Betfair scarf. I didn’t even know they were giving them away this year, but as mine had not lost it’s colour, a lot of people thought it was new and asked me where I got it.
TRYING TO EXPLAIN THINGS TO A NEWCOMER
A youngish bloke came up to me and pointed to the Tote Board and asked ‘Will I be able to take 27.3 on horse number 1 ?’
It was going to be a long conversation.
I told him that if he had £100 on it, the price would no doubt drop, on the other hand if somebody had £1,000 on the favourite, the price would get larger, but the price you get is what it shows just before the off.
‘Why do they show the prices then ?‘ he asked
‘So you can choose between the Tote and the bookies if you know the difference‘ I replied.
'Whose prices are best ?’ he asked
I said ‘For forecasts, tricasts, jackpots, placepots and swingers you have to use the Tote. For a place only bet, that means it doesn’t have to win, just get in the frame, you have to use the Tote. For a win bet, where it obviously has to win, or an each way bet, where your stake is half win and half place, it has to get in the frame. If you’re backing a rank outsider, and it has a n unknown jockey on it, you’re probably better off on the Tote. ‘
How many horses count as ’in the frame ?’ he asked. [smiley:crazy]
I rattled off the place terms for all races from 4 to 17 runners, but didn’t mention a fifth or a quarter of the odds as I didn’t want to be answering questions all day. I told him that some of the big bookies pay the first 5 in some races, like the Triumph Hurdle, instead of the first 4.
‘Do you?’ he asked
‘ No, it’s March, not Christmas.’
‘How do you remember all that stuff?’ he asked
I replied ‘If you go racing or bet regularly, by the time you reach my age, somebody your age will ask you the same question. And you can show off. ’
‘Who do you bet with ?’ he asked
‘Bookies‘ I said ‘If the Tote was that good there wouldn’t be at least two hundred and fifty bookies on the course.’
There were other questions, which I answered politely.
But when he said thanks and walked away I thought ‘Thank fack he’s gone.’
SECURITY GUARDS
There are hundreds of them. Some are out and out idiots, mainly the arrogant coonts with goatee beards who walk like facking gorillas, and some are okay.
They have one stationed on the doors to the disabled toilet in the Best Mate enclosure all day. He has to unlock it to let somebody go in and relock it when they come out. It saves the morons going in there and wrecking the place. If you’ve ever seen the queues for the khazis in the Best Mate Enclosure, you need to get in the queue for a pi$$ about half an hour before you want to go. If you need a crap, either have it about 10-30 to 11-00 a.m or join a facking lonq queue inside the mens bogs.
Of course if you are utterly charming, like me,
you have a word in the guards ear, and you get into the disabled khazi with no problem. 1) It saves a lot of time and
2) It doesn’t smell.
The only trips to the normal bogs are to stick my hands under the hand driers to get them warm. As I said previously, it was facking freezing on Tuesday.
A mediocre day book-wise.
Jenny coped well with cockney.
Josey had backache, but the miserable fackers in the Desert Orchid Bar wouldn’t let him have a stool like they did last year. To be fair, last years wooden efforts had been replaced with hi-tech stainless steel stools with cushions, and a fiver, which Josey paid last year, wasn’t going to cover the cost if it went missing.
Back to the hotel
Richie was happy, he had collared the two girls giving away Betfair scarves and had munged 5 of them, telling them that he worked for a bookie and if we al wore one it was a good advert for Betfair. He also got free Sun bags, folding Sun Umbrellas, and Sun woolly hats.
One has to keep up standards, and it would have top drop to 20 below freezing for me to don a Sun woolly hat.
Tonight we set off to invade Pizza Express, roughly opposite the Shalimar Indian Restaurant (2nd plug - more commission)
PIZZA EXPRESS
Karen, the manageress, was still there from last year, and apart from us, it was empty at 8-30 p.m. like last year.
It closes at 9-30, that wouldn’t do much for trade in London.
It’s amusing to see everybody order starters plus the largest pizzas on the menu as the weight range runs from Jenny, at about 8 stones, up to me, at over 17 stones. Josey can eat mushrooms like they’re going out of fashion the day after, and I can do the same with garlic bread.
Generally, 5 of your 8 pieces is enough to eat at 9-00 p.m. so the rest is put in a pizza box for lunch the next day on course.
Josey was asked if he wanted one more piece before it went in the box.
‘I couldn’t eat another piece‘ he said ‘I’m stuffed.’
Those within earshot started a mental countdown - 10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4
Then came the immortal words ‘Ok then, give it here.’
He’s getting better, his willpower crumbled at 7 last year.
Back to the hotel, where I had a wrestling match trying to get the same clothes back into my suitcase that mrs winkle had packed. I had a separate plastic carrier bag holding the dirty washing, and STILL facking struggled to get the other stuff back into the case.
I have no trouble packing Arthur or Josey’s cars to get all their gear in when they seem lost but I’m facked if I can pack a suitcase like mrs winkle 
Karen, the manageress, was still there from last year, and apart from us, it was empty at 8-30 p.m. like last year.
It closes at 9-30, that wouldn’t do much for trade in London.
It’s amusing to see everybody order starters plus the largest pizzas on the menu as the weight range runs from Jenny, at about 8 stones, up to me, at over 17 stones. Josey can eat mushrooms like they’re going out of fashion the day after, and I can do the same with garlic bread.
Generally, 5 of your 8 pieces is enough to eat at 9-00 p.m. so the rest is put in a pizza box for lunch the next day on course.
Josey was asked if he wanted one more piece before it went in the box.
‘I couldn’t eat another piece‘ he said ‘I’m stuffed.’
Those within earshot started a mental countdown - 10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4
Then came the immortal words ‘Ok then, give it here.’
He’s getting better, his willpower crumbled at 7 last year.
Back to the hotel, where I had a wrestling match trying to get the same clothes back into my suitcase that mrs winkle had packed. I had a separate plastic carrier bag holding the dirty washing, and STILL facking struggled to get the other stuff back into the case.
I have no trouble packing Arthur or Josey’s cars to get all their gear in when they seem lost
but I’m facked if I can pack a suitcase like mrs winkle
she thought you were leaving for good thats why she packed the jag in the case as well
MY CAR
Is a bit temperamental, some would say like me and it’s virtually thief proof.
If left un-started for a while, the battery drains, even though there is fack all switched on. [smiley:crazy] Starting it every morning and evening just to move it 25 yards form car park to car park doesn’t do the battery any good because of the size of the engine. It will soon drain its life without a run to charge it up. So, to save the aggravation of coming out and finding it won’t start, I disconnect the leads every time I cross the road from one car park to the other. It only takes about a minute, so it’s worth it.
Depending on the mood the car is in, when I unlock the drivers door, all the doors locks pop up. But 5 times out of 10, the drivers door won’t open. Neither will the front passenger door. This means opening the back nearside passenger door, getting in and reaching over the seats to open a front door, then clambering out and going round the car to the front. This is why I park across two normal spaces at once if there are no disabled bays available. I have to fully open the door to be able to get in to the back.
Once in the car, the engine starts, then the fun begins of getting it into ’Drive’. Sometimes it goes in, sometimes it doesn’t.
HELPFUL TIP FOR AUTOMATIC DRIVERS
I was parked on a petrol pump in a garage last year when the gear selector got jammed in ‘Park’ for the first time. I had to wait for an hour for the mechanic to arrive, and the lady in the sales booth wasn’t best pleased with me.
If you get this problem and you own an automatic, near the gear selector is a small screw with a star shaped top. The mechanic obviously has star-shaped screwdrivers, I don’t. Remove the screw and stick a pencil or a pen down the hole, this will free the gear selector. Move the selector just out of ’Park‘, then remove whatever you put down the hole. All will be back to normal.
The mechanic said that all automatics are fitted with these. It’s how they get broken down cars off the outside lane of motorways or off clogged up roundabouts.
All the heating and air conditioning vents open and close properly, but the fan is facked. It’s a 33 mile drive to the Jaguar breakers, so he said he’d phone when one the same as mine comes in.
Last, but not least, some coont tried to break into the boot in London about 2 years ago. They succeeded breaking the barrel out of the lock, mangling the electric swith, and still couldn't be got into the boot. (Amateurs) I got £192 off the insurance to repair it , but as with the fan, Jaguar don’t make the parts any more. So I can either take the number plate off, and open it where I cut a hole in the bodywork behind it, or fix a wire to the lock and then hook it over the number plate. When in London I use the wire as it looks a bit dodgy taking your number plate off in the High Street outside the shops. [smiley:crazy][smiley:crazy]
AND SO, TO FRIDAY MORNING.
I got up at 6-30, lack of sleep was getting to me now. I had a cuppa, then went over the road to move my car into a rare vacant spot in the car park outside the hotel, ready to pick it up that night and head home. I connected the battery, crossed the road, parked it, disconnected the battery, met Arthur outside for a smoke, then went back upstairs at 7-15.
Woke up Richie earlier than usual as he had to pack his case, shave, shower etc. Called him again after ’5 more minutes’, 3 times, then realised I hadn’t been to the shop for milk. Went back out to get it ,came back and finished getting ready.
Then I remembered I hadn’t got my petrol.
Back downstairs, connected the facking battery again and drove to the garage about half a mile away. Still not fully awake yet, I got out of the car, walked to the back and took the petrol cap off, as I reached for the pump a voice came over the loudspeaker. ‘Would the gentleman on pump 2 please put his cigar out.’
When I’m tired I find it hard to concentrate
I walked outside the garage and stubbed it out on the wall. Filled up to the brim with petrol, then went in to pay for it. There would have been great merriment if I had gone there earlier in the week as the asian cashiers name was ‘ Morning’ [smiley:crazy]
I envisaged going in at 2-00 p.m. and saying ‘Good afternoon, Morning.’ then going back at night with ’Good evening, Morning’.
Simple things make me laugh, like rudeboybraindead
Is a bit temperamental, some would say like me
and it’s virtually thief proof. If left un-started for a while, the battery drains, even though there is fack all switched on. [smiley:crazy] Starting it every morning and evening just to move it 25 yards form car park to car park doesn’t do the battery any good because of the size of the engine. It will soon drain its life without a run to charge it up. So, to save the aggravation of coming out and finding it won’t start, I disconnect the leads every time I cross the road from one car park to the other. It only takes about a minute, so it’s worth it.
Depending on the mood the car is in, when I unlock the drivers door, all the doors locks pop up. But 5 times out of 10, the drivers door won’t open. Neither will the front passenger door. This means opening the back nearside passenger door, getting in and reaching over the seats to open a front door, then clambering out and going round the car to the front. This is why I park across two normal spaces at once if there are no disabled bays available.
I have to fully open the door to be able to get in to the back.Once in the car, the engine starts, then the fun begins of getting it into ’Drive’. Sometimes it goes in, sometimes it doesn’t.
HELPFUL TIP FOR AUTOMATIC DRIVERS
I was parked on a petrol pump in a garage last year when the gear selector got jammed in ‘Park’ for the first time. I had to wait for an hour for the mechanic to arrive, and the lady in the sales booth wasn’t best pleased with me.
If you get this problem and you own an automatic, near the gear selector is a small screw with a star shaped top. The mechanic obviously has star-shaped screwdrivers, I don’t. Remove the screw and stick a pencil or a pen down the hole, this will free the gear selector. Move the selector just out of ’Park‘, then remove whatever you put down the hole. All will be back to normal.
The mechanic said that all automatics are fitted with these. It’s how they get broken down cars off the outside lane of motorways or off clogged up roundabouts.
All the heating and air conditioning vents open and close properly, but the fan is facked. It’s a 33 mile drive to the Jaguar breakers, so he said he’d phone when one the same as mine comes in.
Last, but not least, some coont tried to break into the boot in London about 2 years ago. They succeeded breaking the barrel out of the lock, mangling the electric swith, and still couldn't be got into the boot. (Amateurs) I got £192 off the insurance to repair it , but as with the fan, Jaguar don’t make the parts any more. So I can either take the number plate off, and open it where I cut a hole in the bodywork behind it, or fix a wire to the lock and then hook it over the number plate. When in London I use the wire as it looks a bit dodgy taking your number plate off in the High Street outside the shops. [smiley:crazy][smiley:crazy]
AND SO, TO FRIDAY MORNING.
I got up at 6-30, lack of sleep was getting to me now.
I had a cuppa, then went over the road to move my car into a rare vacant spot in the car park outside the hotel, ready to pick it up that night and head home. I connected the battery, crossed the road, parked it, disconnected the battery, met Arthur outside for a smoke, then went back upstairs at 7-15. Woke up Richie earlier than usual as he had to pack his case, shave, shower etc. Called him again after ’5 more minutes’, 3 times, then realised I hadn’t been to the shop for milk. Went back out to get it ,came back and finished getting ready.
Then I remembered I hadn’t got my petrol.
Back downstairs, connected the facking battery again and drove to the garage about half a mile away. Still not fully awake yet, I got out of the car, walked to the back and took the petrol cap off, as I reached for the pump a voice came over the loudspeaker. ‘Would the gentleman on pump 2 please put his cigar out.’
When I’m tired I find it hard to concentrate
I walked outside the garage and stubbed it out on the wall. Filled up to the brim with petrol, then went in to pay for it. There would have been great merriment if I had gone there earlier in the week as the asian cashiers name was ‘ Morning’ [smiley:crazy]
I envisaged going in at 2-00 p.m. and saying ‘Good afternoon, Morning.’ then going back at night with ’Good evening, Morning’.
Simple things make me laugh, like rudeboybraindead
Just loeked on Beta, 354 views.
Can't believe that many people read this crap.
Can't believe that many people read this crap.
Make sure you get a good price for the TV rights (and Robert Winston to play you.
I disconnect the leads every time I cross the road from one car park to the other. It only takes about a minute, so it’s worth it.
This means opening the back nearside passenger door, getting in and reaching over the seats to open a front door, then clambering out and going round the car to the front.
====================================================
This is the Jag Special Edition -- " Newham".
Sub titled - "How to try and keep your car".
This means opening the back nearside passenger door, getting in and reaching over the seats to open a front door, then clambering out and going round the car to the front.
====================================================
This is the Jag Special Edition -- " Newham".
Sub titled - "How to try and keep your car".
gleeman 3034 27 Mar 11 14:56
Make sure you get a good price for the TV rights (and Robert Winston to play you
Robert Winston is a professor.
You either mean Ray Winstone (who is too short to play me anyway) or you are REPORTED
Make sure you get a good price for the TV rights (and Robert Winston to play you
Robert Winston is a professor.
You either mean Ray Winstone (who is too short to play me anyway) or you are REPORTED
This is the Jag Special Edition -- " Newham".
Sub titled - "How to try and keep your car".
My car was never touched outside my house in London.
The boot was damaged outside my eldest daughters house.
Sub titled - "How to try and keep your car".
My car was never touched outside my house in London.
The boot was damaged outside my eldest daughters house.
OFF TO THE RACES - GOLD CUP DAY
Studyform turned up today, in that infamous parrot shirt.
It was very busy once the first race was off. A bloke who bet with us all day Thursday was back again, but his luck was out as he only had one winner, where he had 3 on Thursday.
The next bloke in the memoirs was a bit like the bloke who introduced himself last year by lifting his hat to show his face ‘John, it’s me, Kevin from, Plaistow’ I had no facking idea who he was.
Some bloke had a draw on the three consecutive races, and said ‘Thanks John’ each time he took the money. I have no idea who he was either. Like Kevin, I hope he doesn’t owe me anything either.
Somebody left a £270 return on the 2nd race, which is unusual. [smiley:crazy] Small bets get left, but not this big, and it was still there as the 6th race was over. He turned up soon after with another ticket for £135. I gave him the £405 and he gave Jenny a fiver for being lucky. She said it’s the first tip she’s ever had on a racecourse
Time flew by as we were busy and soon it was time to try and count LIZZIEBAGS and pack up.
Race-goers are supposed to have an hour after the last race to pack up and leave, but the security gorillas were emptying catering tents and bars well before time.
IRRC one of them tried to move Lizzie on as she was standing by the joint drinking a cup of tea. As a member of the London Met. she should have nicked him for being in possession of 5 stones of fat and a goatee facking beard.
Lugged all the gear back to the car but couldn’t pack it away as somebody else need to borrow the barrow, and that goes in before the board.
Due to the amount of stuff going off the course at the end of the meeting both cars are full up, so Studyform took me Katie and Charlotte back to West Brom to my car, and then I took Katie and Charlotte home to Newmarket.
This gives you an idea of how fast Arthur drives. [smiley:crazy][smiley:crazy]
We left West Brom at 7-45, stayed at a steady 70, with spurts of 90 overtaking on the M6 and the A14, and I pulled up outside Arthur’s house at 9-40. He left Cheltenham after me, but he had already been at home for 20 minutes when we got there.
I left Newmarket at 9-45, took a wrong turn off a roundabout and ended up driving through a village. I think it was Soham. (where Huntley lived) The high street was deserted and had facking speed bumps every 100 yards. I got to the next roundabout but there no signs so I went straight over,and then I saw two blokes sitting on a wall drinking beer from cans.
I shouted out ‘Which way to Ely mate?'
Not satisfied with shouting back he walked over to the car. He was an eastern European, not that drunk, and told me to go straight on up the hill, past the station (or something like that) and I would see the signs for Ely.
As he was talking his mate got up and walked over. He was English, and pi$$ed as a newt. I said ’ Ta mate’ to the eastern European.
His mate fell over in the road about 5 feet to the side of my car as he was so drunk.
As I drove off he sat up, shouted ‘Bye’ and lifted his can for another swig.
50 miles to go.
A steady cruise along to the Little Chef roundabout outside Ely, where I tagged on the arse end of a 3 car pack all going the same way along the A10. Two Mercs and an Audi.
60 limit, wide road, not may bends and no cameras, we zipped along at up to 80, we could have gone faster but you never know where the Feds are parked up on this stretch of road. One of the Mercs turned off after about 5 miles but the other two cars stayed on the same road all the way to Kings Lynn.
I went off towards the A17, and about two miles from home I was going through a village at 30, when a facking great Owl swooped across my bonnet from right to left. That’s the first Owl I’ve ever seen in the wild. [smiley:crazy]
Got home at 10-50.
4 days of graft over, and mission accomplished.
Then I got a bollocking for not packing the suitcase properly
Next stop - Aintree.
Studyform turned up today, in that infamous parrot shirt.
It was very busy once the first race was off. A bloke who bet with us all day Thursday was back again, but his luck was out as he only had one winner, where he had 3 on Thursday.
The next bloke in the memoirs was a bit like the bloke who introduced himself last year by lifting his hat to show his face ‘John, it’s me, Kevin from, Plaistow’ I had no facking idea who he was.
Some bloke had a draw on the three consecutive races, and said ‘Thanks John’ each time he took the money. I have no idea who he was either. Like Kevin, I hope he doesn’t owe me anything either.
Somebody left a £270 return on the 2nd race, which is unusual. [smiley:crazy] Small bets get left, but not this big, and it was still there as the 6th race was over. He turned up soon after with another ticket for £135. I gave him the £405 and he gave Jenny a fiver for being lucky. She said it’s the first tip she’s ever had on a racecourse
Time flew by as we were busy and soon it was time to try and count LIZZIEBAGS and pack up.
Race-goers are supposed to have an hour after the last race to pack up and leave, but the security gorillas were emptying catering tents and bars well before time.
IRRC one of them tried to move Lizzie on as she was standing by the joint drinking a cup of tea. As a member of the London Met. she should have nicked him for being in possession of 5 stones of fat and a goatee facking beard.
Lugged all the gear back to the car but couldn’t pack it away as somebody else need to borrow the barrow, and that goes in before the board.
Due to the amount of stuff going off the course at the end of the meeting both cars are full up, so Studyform took me Katie and Charlotte back to West Brom to my car, and then I took Katie and Charlotte home to Newmarket.
This gives you an idea of how fast Arthur drives. [smiley:crazy][smiley:crazy]
We left West Brom at 7-45, stayed at a steady 70, with spurts of 90 overtaking on the M6 and the A14, and I pulled up outside Arthur’s house at 9-40. He left Cheltenham after me, but he had already been at home for 20 minutes when we got there.
I left Newmarket at 9-45, took a wrong turn off a roundabout
and ended up driving through a village. I think it was Soham. (where Huntley lived) The high street was deserted and had facking speed bumps every 100 yards. I got to the next roundabout but there no signs so I went straight over,and then I saw two blokes sitting on a wall drinking beer from cans. I shouted out ‘Which way to Ely mate?'
Not satisfied with shouting back he walked over to the car. He was an eastern European, not that drunk, and told me to go straight on up the hill, past the station (or something like that) and I would see the signs for Ely.
As he was talking his mate got up and walked over. He was English, and pi$$ed as a newt. I said ’ Ta mate’ to the eastern European.
His mate fell over in the road about 5 feet to the side of my car as he was so drunk.
As I drove off he sat up, shouted ‘Bye’ and lifted his can for another swig.
50 miles to go.
A steady cruise along to the Little Chef roundabout outside Ely, where I tagged on the arse end of a 3 car pack all going the same way along the A10. Two Mercs and an Audi.
60 limit, wide road, not may bends and no cameras, we zipped along at up to 80, we could have gone faster but you never know where the Feds are parked up on this stretch of road. One of the Mercs turned off after about 5 miles but the other two cars stayed on the same road all the way to Kings Lynn.
I went off towards the A17, and about two miles from home I was going through a village at 30, when a facking great Owl swooped across my bonnet from right to left. That’s the first Owl I’ve ever seen in the wild. [smiley:crazy]
Got home at 10-50.
4 days of graft over, and mission accomplished.
Then I got a bollocking for not packing the suitcase properly
Next stop - Aintree.
not may bends and no cameras, we zipped along at up to 80, we could have gone faster but you never know where the Feds are parked up on this stretch of road
---------------------------
YES we do --- next to the bacon butty van !!
---------------------------
YES we do --- next to the bacon butty van !!
Is the Red White and Blue still open in Ely ??
Used to know the Landlord around 20 years ago as he was one of the trainers that had my dogs(before he had the pub)
Used to know the Landlord around 20 years ago as he was one of the trainers that had my dogs(before he had the pub)
No idea, I only use Ely signposts as landmarks to get back on the A10
you needed the third exit (not the second) at the soham bypass roundabout you facking muppet
did any of the room-card holders own a an iPhone?
btw. the wagon got raided and shut down last week - has reopened now i think
btw. the wagon got raided and shut down last week - has reopened now i think
David Fishwick Minibus Sales 29 Mar 11 01:06
you needed the third exit (not the second) at the soham bypass roundabout you facking muppet
Couldn't see, car full of cigar smoke.
you needed the third exit (not the second) at the soham bypass roundabout you facking muppet
Couldn't see, car full of cigar smoke.
David Fishwick Minibus Sales 29 Mar 11 01:10
did any of the room-card holders own a an iPhone?
btw. the wagon got raided and shut down last week - has reopened now i think
Both JWs daughters have iphones, why ?
I shall ask Arthur for an update at Aintree.
did any of the room-card holders own a an iPhone?
btw. the wagon got raided and shut down last week - has reopened now i think
Both JWs daughters have iphones, why ?
I shall ask Arthur for an update at Aintree.
iPhones wipe swipe cards
was on holiday in tenerife and it was the first thing reception asked when the cards wouldnt work. had to keep them separate and had no problems after that.
was on holiday in tenerife and it was the first thing reception asked when the cards wouldnt work. had to keep them separate and had no problems after that.
Receptionist told me that. Also not to put it near anything metal.
But I kept my card in my shirt pocket all the time.
But I kept my card in my shirt pocket all the time.
that'd be your fecking pacemaker then you numpty
Aintree Thursday 6th April
Tattersalls Enclosure £19.00
Princess Royal Stand Roof £35.00
Queen Mother Stand Roof £35.00
County Stand Roof £45.00
Princess Royal Reserved Seats £45.00
Queen Mother Reserved Seats £45.00
VIP Platinum County Reserved Seats £65.00
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aintree Ladies Day -- Friday 8th April
Tattersalls Enclosure £29.00
County Stand Roof £75.00
Queen Mother Stand Roof £79.00
Princess Royal Stand Roof £85.00
Queen Mother Reserved Seats £95.00
VIP Platinum County Reserved Seats £125.00
Hospitality - Manifesto Restaurant £295.00
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sat 9th April --Grand National Day
Steeplechase Enclosure £22.50
Bob Champion Suite - Official Hospitality £295.00
Tattersalls Enclosure £19.00
Princess Royal Stand Roof £35.00
Queen Mother Stand Roof £35.00
County Stand Roof £45.00
Princess Royal Reserved Seats £45.00
Queen Mother Reserved Seats £45.00
VIP Platinum County Reserved Seats £65.00
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aintree Ladies Day -- Friday 8th April
Tattersalls Enclosure £29.00
County Stand Roof £75.00
Queen Mother Stand Roof £79.00
Princess Royal Stand Roof £85.00
Queen Mother Reserved Seats £95.00
VIP Platinum County Reserved Seats £125.00
Hospitality - Manifesto Restaurant £295.00
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sat 9th April --Grand National Day
Steeplechase Enclosure £22.50
Bob Champion Suite - Official Hospitality £295.00
David Fishwick Minibus Sales 6 29 Mar 11 01:44
that'd be your fecking pacemaker then you numpty
Disclosing private and personal medical information on Betair forum
REPORTED
that'd be your fecking pacemaker then you numpty
Disclosing private and personal medical information on Betair forum
REPORTED
mr winkle Joined: 01 Aug 05
Replies: 20465 29 Mar 11 13:35
David Fishwick Minibus Sales 6 29 Mar 11 01:44
that'd be your fecking pacemaker then you numpty
Disclosing private and personal medical information on Betair forum
REPORTED
you're lucky he stopped there
Replies: 20465 29 Mar 11 13:35
David Fishwick Minibus Sales 6 29 Mar 11 01:44
that'd be your fecking pacemaker then you numpty
Disclosing private and personal medical information on Betair forum
REPORTED
you're lucky he stopped there
Up for Josey as he couldn't find it, neither could Katie
Fishy
if you're looking in, I forgot to ask Arthur about it being closed, but he said Charlotte is in the Wagon every Tuesday night.
Fishy
if you're looking in, I forgot to ask Arthur about it being closed, but he said Charlotte is in the Wagon every Tuesday night.
This is the BBC World service
Here are tonights Wartime messages -
Charlotte is in the Wagon every Tuesday night.
I repeat
Charlotte is in the Wagon every Tuesday night.
Here are tonights Wartime messages -
Charlotte is in the Wagon every Tuesday night.
I repeat
Charlotte is in the Wagon every Tuesday night.
people just click on what is at the top, no matter what cr@p is contained within...helps if you keep bumping it up
not saying it is cr@p (not saying it isnt, cant be bothered to read)
not saying it is cr@p (not saying it isnt, cant be bothered to read)
it's not as good as last year's imo, except for the bit about josey's robin hood impression
I keep ttt'ing it because he said he couldn't find it.
Josey reckons he couldn't find this thread.
He can smell a facking chocolate bar at three hundred yards [smiley:crazy][smiley:crazy]
He can smell a facking chocolate bar at three hundred yards [smiley:crazy][smiley:crazy]
Possibly the most pointless post in the history of the Betfair forum, excluding anything that Norfolk says of course.
It would have helped if I copied & pasted
JamesBlakesHugeArse 14 Apr 11 04:45
people just click on what is at the top, no matter what cr@p is contained within...helps if you keep bumping it up
not saying it is cr@p (not saying it isnt, cant be bothered to read)
JamesBlakesHugeArse 14 Apr 11 04:45
people just click on what is at the top, no matter what cr@p is contained within...helps if you keep bumping it up
not saying it is cr@p (not saying it isnt, cant be bothered to read)
Post Your Reply
Please login to post a reply.
Wonder
Instance ID: 13539