excellent stuff GP. i enjoy these.

Good stuff, GP. Keep em coming

Spain v Poor Bloody Honduras Haven't Got A Chance

Do my ears deceive me? Is that Alan Shearer really doing voice overs on Morrisons adverts? After ITV had done their stint at destabilising the England camp by running as 'Capello slags off Terry' interview, and Chiles had ramped up the 'DRAMATIC BREAKING NEWS' ¤¤¤¤e (the dramatic breaking news being 'the England manager asserts his right to, you know, manage), we were off for forty five minutes of quite disgraceful slavver from Drury and Beglin over Spain. Yes, they were good in the first half - only scored one, mind, but still they knocked the ball about something lovely. But, to hear Clive and Jim go on you'd think they had Torres and co giving them a lap dance and smothering their naughty bits in slimy love butter. I mean, it's just a game of football, chaps. Yes, David Villa's goal was indeed a thing of beauty. Yes, they're good. But, there are two teams playing, you know. In fact, one of the highlights of the half, was Pique getting hit in the stones with the ball blammed from close rang. Fair brought tears to the eyes, so it did. Try looking sexy after that, senor!

Second half? Boring. Villa scored another. Villa missed a penalty. Honduras hardly got the ball out of their own half. Spain strolled around like they owned the place. Fabregas came on and, with his first touch had a goalbound shot cleared off the line. It drifted. It ended. We learned nothing.

Goals: 67
Red Cards: 10

South Africa v The Piss Artists Formerly Known As France
Mexico v U-Are-Gay

ITV's panel features two pinkish shirts today (Chiles and Townsend, though the latter's checky-effort was closer to mauve, really). 'Wherever you look in the French camp there's confusion,' noted Adrian informing viewers that Evra had been dropped and that Henry would remain on the bench having, apparently, been described by someone in the French Federation as 'one of the ringleaders,' of the general stroppiness that's been going on. Then, we got a shot of South Africa singing their way into the stadium and, you just had a feeling this could be something really special. And, that's how it started. 'A hymn of mutiny and rebellion sung by those with revolution in their hearts,' was how Jon Champion described 'La Marseilles.' Apt. South Africa were easily the better side and, after twenty minutes, Siphiwe Tshabalala put over a corner from the left and Hugo Lloris - allegedly one of the best goalies in Europe - couldn't decide whether to come or go, came, and completely missed it. Bongani Khumalo headed the ball in at the far post. Actually, it probably hit his shoulder but, who cares? And then it just got worse and worse for the French. Gourcuff elbowed MacBeth Sibaya in the boat-race from a corner. The Colombian referee Oscar Ruiz immediately showed a red card. There was some initial confusion as it appeared he'd actually sent Djibril Cisse off. It's not as if he and and Gourcuff even look, particularly, alike. A few minuites later and a cross from the South African left hit Abou Diaby and when the second cross came in it, fell to Katlego Mphela who, from three yards, tapped it into an empty net. The stadium, inevtiably, went berserk. At half time, Chiles cracked a really tasteless comment about Marcel Desailly having to be talked out of suicide. I hope that one gets plenty of complaints to Ofcom.

Meanwhile, over in the other game on ITV4, from the two little bits I saw of it, that was a bit of cracker too. Mexico hitting the bar before Luis Suarez scored for the U-Are-Gays with a fine header. The plot thickened. Ten minutes into the second half ,like a knackered old carthorse turning up at the Grand National, Monsieur Henry entered the scene, still with that bastard annoying look on his face like someone was spreading manure in his general vacinity. When, after a few minutes, he accidentally handled the ball whilst trying to control a cross, Champion and Beglin got at least a minute out of the resulting 'irony.' Oh, how we laughed. Hollowly. Shortly afterwards, Malouda got on the end of Ribery's cross to finally silence the vuvzela. For a moment. I took the opportunity to flick over and check out the other match. It was all Mexico but with the Uruguyans breaking intelligently and with pace. Looked a really good game, actually. But, I was soon with Les Flops. And so, the sands of time slipped away fro both the Scare Blues and Bafana Bafana. One, in patch, lit up the tournament and made us believe, however briefly, in the possibility of miracles. The others was an over-paid, under-performing, stroppy, arrogant, annoying, amusing disgrace. No one, not a single lover of the beautiful game, will miss them for a second. Au revoir. Je suis desole, j'ai la diarhee.

Greasy Argentines v Greasy Greeks
South Corries v Nigerian Enders

Happy Harry The Hamster joined the BBC team tonight. Gosh, that's just what we need, another gob¤¤¤¤e - though definitely not corrupt, of course - manager who never got within an hundred miles for actually playing international football, let alone in the World Cup, telling us all how it should be done. Be still my heart. Very still. When showed a bit of footage of the 1982 Brazilians, Happy Harry's in depth analysis was 'unbelieveable that, Gary, unbelieveable.' And my licence fee is going on this? Bring back Christine Bleakley. At least she's pretty and can read an autocue. Things didn't improve much once we reached the stadium with Mick McCarthy's pronunciation of Papaststhopoulos sounding more uncannily like 'that b@stard popoulos' each successive time he said it.

As excepted, of course, the Argentine's strutted about like they own the place, passing the ball to death in moves so complex they appeared in danger of diappearing in a puff of prestidigitation. It took them twelve minutes before they actually had a shot on goal, however. I checked out the other game on BBC3. Not much to say, really. Everybody looked a bit disinterested. And Kanu was playing. 'nuff said, really. Back to the Argentine. (Course, typically, literally about thirty seconds after I switched back, Uche scored for the Nigerians.) And so the first half continued as a bit of a disappointment, to be honest. One team happy, for the most part, not to play and the other team happy, for the most part, to play with themselves. The Greek keepr made a couple of good save, the Greeks occasionally produced a few passes and big Samaras up front looked quite decent on the odd occasions when the ball got through to him. A highlight of the first half was Papadopoulos going down heavily claiming he'd been smacked in the mush, being taken off, and coming back on with a comically huge swab of cotton wool in his gob. Made him look like he was in a constant state of projectile vomit. I turned back over to hear Simon Brotherton say 'Nigeria are, at times, threatening to play really very well indeed.' But then, Mark Bright opened his mouth and I sought the safety of BBC1 and McCarthy instead. And, again, missed a goal - South Korea's equaliser - by seconds.

The second half began ominously for Greece. Dear old Otto Rehhagel took off his playmaker, Karagounis, and brought of a full back. Whilst the Greeks were showing a spectacular lack of ambition, over in Durban, the Koreans had taken the lead. It was hard not to cheer. For all of Greece's hard word and spirit, their 8-1-1 formation was doing nothing for the cause of adventurous football. meanwhile, Yakuku was providing them miss of the world cup, from literally two feet and then, an equaliser, from the penalty spot. Do you ever get the feeling you've just picked the wrong game to watch. When Mick McCarthy starts banging on about 'I hate to commentate on games like this,' you know something is backward. I mean, he's managed enough of them. 'I would be so disappointed if I'd come to the World Cup and not had a go. it must be a hollow feeling.' cough1990cough. Anyway.

And then, fianlly, finally, Demichelis scored. And, for once, pretty much everybody in the world was cheering an Argie goal. well, not in Athens, obviously. But, definitely in Soeul and Lagos. The Argies got a second whilst, in the other match, the score ended 2-2 and the Korries were through. The crowd, and Greece, went home. Not with a bang, but a whimper.

Goals: 77
Red Cards: 11

Herman The German v Whatcha Ghana Do?
Orrstraylya v Serbia

In the 1938 World Cup, played in France, the Italian team were whistled for their entire first game, a meeting with Norway in Marseille, by anti-fascist expats. When the quarter-final came around and Italy met France, the French suggested to Vittorio Pozzo that his team should wear red shirts. Italy instead chose to wear black shirts in honour of their fascist regime and in spite an infuriated crowd, won the game 3-1 and advanced to the semi-final. In 2010, in a game against Ghana, Ze Chermans wore all black. I'm just saying ...

Anyway, the first half of Germany v Ghana might, just, be my favourite forty five minutes of the tournament so far. Two teams, very different in their own ways but with one remarkable similarity - really good coming forward, a bit dodgy at the back. It was terrific, a proper game of football. From the thirty seconds I saw of the Serbs and the Aussies on ITV4 (also got wrapped up in the historic events at wimbledon), that looked not bad either. In Jo'burg, Ghana was terrific, neat and intricate with their passing. Asamoah Gyan missed acouple of sitters at one end, but only the agility of Richard Kingson kept Ozil out at the other. And, there was 'the war of Lahm's arm.'

The second half was pretty decent two. Ze Chermans took the lead thanks to the nippy Ozil. Meanwhile, over in Nelspruit, the Socceroos were going crazy ape-¤¤¤¤ bonkers with a drill and sex) and scored twice inside four minutes (Cahill and Holman) as the Serbs capitulated faster than a war crimes trial at the Hague. The Serbia scored. Then they had a potential equaliser disalolowed. And, meanwhile, Ze Chermans were recovering their composure, remembering only to smile at all of those silly billlys who'd written them off and strolled, confidently, towards the second round.

Goals: 83
Red Cards: 12

Italy v Solvakia
Paraguay v New Zealand

When it comes to the crunch, it's been my experience that the Italians tend to revert to type. And this was, obviously, no exception. Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war. Hence, they sent for Gattuso, and prepared the trenches! I love Italian football but there really is something very predictable about them when things are not going well. They lose their temper, basically. As Cannavarro Zambrotta and good old Rino went around kicking people Slovakia started to look dangerous. Then they went and took the lead. De Rossi gave the ball away and Marek Hamsik slips a pass through for Robert Vittek on the edge of the Italian box. The striker slid a shot into the corner past Marchetti's despairing dive. Oh corks. What the hell is going on in this World Cup?! At half-time, Andy Townsend (whose turn it was to wear ITV's pink shirt today) described the Itlaians as 'the worst ever defending world champpions.' Hard not to agree with that (although, France were shockingly poor in 2002). Lippi decided to go for Plan B, off went Gattuso - for what may well be the final time in a World Cup match - replaced by Fabio Quagliarella and, at the back, Magio was brought on for Criscito. Soon, Pirlo also entered the arena. A clearly unfit, half-paced Pirlo.

Meanwhile, over in Polokwane, what ITV were calling 'the worst World Cup game ever', Paraguay v New Zealand was attracting almost no attention whatsoever! After fifty minutes the BBC excitedly reported that there'd been a shot on goal. Yeah. I think made the right choice with which match to watch. When Vittek scored a second, with fifteen minutes to go, it was arrivaderchi Roma. When Di Natalae pulled one back with nine minutes left, it was game on. After that, we got what you'd expect, an azure tide crashing against the shores of a Slovakian defence. You had to wonder - as Jim beglin did - why it took Italy this long to start playing. Then, Quagliarella scroed an equaliser that was ruled out for a fractionaly marginal offside. Howard Webb had to break up at least one stroppy handbags-at-ten-paces fight involving the Slovakian keeper. You wonders what was going on in the streets of Turin and Milan and Rome, what was going on in the tiny tavernas of the Amalfi coast and the trattorias of Campagna and Tuscany. It was thrilling stuff. Unlike Paraguay v new Zealand which, apparently, wasn't. And then, two minutes from the end, the young Slovak substitute Kopunek scored with his first touch. And it was one of the goals of the tournament. Magic. Absolutely brilliant. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why we love this game. But wait, it's not over yet, Quagliarella smashed one in fron twenty five yards. Instead of being all over bar the shouting it was all shouting over the bar. Last minute of injury time, a scramble in the box and Pepe, from six yards, missed. Italy dethroned. Ciao.

Paraguay and New Zealand, meanwhile, reminds us that football can be rubbish, too!

Goals: 88
Red Cards: 12

Day 16: Second Round

'Don't you just love the World Cup?' asked Adrian Chiles introducing ITV's coverage of Uruguay v South Korea. Yeah. pretty much. except for the bits you've presented, anyway. To prove a point, he then pushed a cricketing metaphor towards clearly startled Edgar Davids who, nevertheless, straight-batted in back like Geoffrey Boycott on a seventeen hour marathon at Headingley.

U-Are-Gays v The Bit of Korea Everybody Likes
I didn't really expect much from this one, to be honest. And, I'm not really sure why. Uruguay have looked like a fine side in the tournmanet so far and the Koreans are always bright and energetic. It got off to a cracking start, though. In the first eight minutes we had more action that Switzerland, for example, managed in three games. By the time, the Koreans had hit the post and then, almost immediately, Uruguay went up the other end and scored. Young Suarez got it, who looks a terrific player if, at a times, one who suffers a bit form 'headless chicken syndrome.' But, prompted by the excellent Forlan (who looks nothing like the fraction of a player he did when representing The Scum), they were neat, passed the ball well, and looks sharp and incisive. And dangerous coming forward. This wasn't like the Uruguay we all know and loathe at all! Typically, in the second half, they reverted to type somewhat - sitting deep and depending on a strtong defence (notably the impressive Lugano). But, this invited their opponents on and a better side that Korea would probably have been level long before Notlobber Lee Chung-Yong got his head on on the ball after the Uruguayans failed to clear a free-kick. For the next ten minutes, it was all Korea. If there was going to be a winner, one sensed, them it would come from the distant east.

Until Suarez scored again.

That's the trouble with predicting thems. One is seldom right.

Goals: 104
Red Cards: 13

Tommies v Jerries

And, that's the last war metaphor I intend to use for this World Cup. From now on, it's the armistace.

So, here you go - the ultimate issue of a sports fan in Great British: England v Germany on BBC1 in the ofotball or England v Australia on Sky Sporots at cricket. Aw, come on. Not fair. Not fair at all. The BBC spent an hour bigging up a game that, really, genuinely, needed no bigging up. Shearer's comment that for the first time since he retired he wished he was back out on the pitch seemed sincere and genuine. There really is something about England v Germany games (at least, for the English) that sets the pulse racing. Snd, speaking of racing, there was a bad omen before the match when, over on BBC2, Sebastian Vettel was beating Lewis and Jensen in the Grand Prix.

For thirty minutes, England were awful. Apocalyptically awful. I mean, dire. Worse than Algeria. Rooney couldn't hit a pass to another red shirt to save his life (and he wasn't the only one, either), Barry constantly lost Ozil (the best player on the pitch at that stage). Oh, and they were two-nil down thanks to some of the worst defending from England I've ever seen. Firstly Neuer's long goalkick sailed over John Terry's head and Miroslav Klose showed great strength and coolness to hold off Matthew Upson and poke the ball past David James. Klose was held and could easily have gone down and Upson would have been sent off but, credit to Klose, he stayed on his feet to score his fiftieth international goal. 'You will never, ever see two centre-halves in a worse position than when Germany scored their first goal, I promise you,' noted Hansen at half-time. And, I believe him. Then, the got worst as England's defence crumbled into absolute shambles for a second time. Germany attacked down the right and one clever flick from Klose teef up Thomas Mueller. With England's central defenders nowhere to be seen Mueller played it over the top to Podolski and from a tight angle on the left of the six-yard box, he scored. If, at that moment, you'd put all of the England team - with the possible exception of Calamity himself - into a big bag and hit it, hard, with a stick, covered in ¤¤¤¤, you'd have hurt someone who thoroughly deserved it. For the next five minutes, I think most of us would happily have taken two-nil to avoid any further embarrassment and just slunk off into a dark corner to lick our wounds and dream of 1966. There looked no way back for England. When was the last time you can remember a German team surrendering a two goal lead?

What happened next was not in the script ... on thirty seven minutes, Steven Gerrard flung over a cross from the England right and with Neuer all over the place, Upson - who'd had a wretched game up to that point - got a head on the ball and it looped into the empty net. Now, it was Germany who were rocking. And then, it happened. The moment that, for better or worse, is probably destined to be this World Cup's most remembered incident. Frank Lampard hit a shot from outside the area. It beat Neuer, bounced off the underside of the bar and about two feet - at least - over the line. I mean, it wasn't even close. It isn't given. The first person to say 'that's pay back for 1966' will be spanked with a wet kipper. Don't worry, Guy Mowbray beat you all to it, by a distance. He and Mark Lawrenson then spent the rest of the half whinging about the manifest unfairness of life. How it's all Sepp Blatter's fault and why is it a Uruguayan linesman instead of an Azerbaijani one?

Half-time with Gary and the panel was a curious mixture of dejection, apoplexy at all things Uruguyans (and Swiss!) and testosterone snorting 'up-and-at-'em' rhetoric). The latter mostly from Shearer. England came out for the second-half breathing fire and brimstone. Lampard hit the bar from a thirty yard free-kick with Neuer hopelessly beaten. Defoe almost got on the end of a delicate through-ball. But, every time the Germans got the ball in the English half, there was panic written all over the face of every Englishman in the world. And, particularly, those on the pitch. And, when Gareth Barry stupidly lost the ball on the edge of the German area, a devastating three-against-two counter-attack ended with Mueller scoring the Germans third. Two minutes later it happened again and, again, Barry was at fault, skinned by Ozil down the left. A simple ball into the box and Mueller made it four. Capello's response? Send for Heskey. I'm not one, normally, to agree with anything Happy Harry the Hamster chimes up with but the dripping sarcasm in his voice when he noted 'we need a goal so we take Jermaine Defoe off and bring on Heskey,' spoke volumes. The inquest, it seemed, had started early. There were shots of some very pissed off people in fancy dress in the crowd and one or two of a very pissed off Italian on the bench as the Germans played keep-ball and the crowd started doing the ole's! 'Whatever you think of England as a potent attacking force, you cannot defend like that at this level,' noted Lawrenson, with a mixture of incredulity and more incredulity.

So, are the Germans as good as the scoreline here will suggest or was it England were THat BAD? Again, probably, a bit of both. They're a very young side, they seem to have a dodgy keeper and, if you get at them, they're not infallible at the back. But, coming forward, they're frightening and they're only going to get better. For England, the so called Golden Generation were, once again, more like Golden Showers of ¤¤¤¤e. Much-vaunted, much-hyped, much-paid, not one of them, not a single one, will end their careers having got any further than a quarter final of a major tournament. The plus points? A thirty nine year old keeper who did little wrong ... and that's about it. I'd poo-pah'd the idea that anybody would be doing any thrashing in this game, based on precedent and that fact that although the English and crave disappointment, you can usual manage not to let many goals in. Today is as much a blow for English ideas of invincibility as Dunkirk. Ooops. War metaphor. I said I wouldn't do any of those. No bottle, no class, no luck (admittedly) but no style or flair, either. There'll be dancing in the straße tonight. Achtung, baby.

Goals: 112
Red Cards: 13

Argentina v Mexico

Oh God, do we really need Jurgen Klinnsman bending over backwards to be magnanimous?! Mind you, for not letting Garth Crooks get a word in edgeways he should probably be awarded with a medal of some description. Ah well, it not the end of the world. End of the World Cup for some, maybe, but not the end of the world ... Steve Wilson kicked off coverage of this one with the worst pun of his career. 'Ein, zwei, drei, vier, thumped.' Okay, I smirked, briefly, I'll give you that one, Stevie.

Resisting the urge to watch Top Gear instead of this match (I recorded it for later) and chose to stick with the footie. And I'm really glad I did. Mexico almost scored twice in the opening ten minutes, including an amazing moment when Carlos Salcido hit the bar from distance. Then, to match the earlier controversy in the England game, we got some controversy here too. Lionel Messi put Tevez clear but Mexico keeper Oscar Perez came out and got their first. The ball came back to Messi, who chipped it goalwards but Tevez, who was miles offside, headed it in. despite Mexican protests the goal was given but then the referee conferred with his assistant as the incident had eben replayed on the huge screens at Soccer City Stadium and they both clearly saw that they'd got it wrong. However, the refused to change their minds and the goal stood. Are you watching Mr Blatter? Straight from the restart, Mexico's Rafael Marquez becomes the first man into referee Rosetti's book after catching Messi, the Mexicans clearly having a massive tortilla chip on their collective shoulder over the goal. Then, Ricardo Osorio had a complete nightmare passing a loose ball across defence without looking, and promptly played in Gonzalo Higuain, who couldn't believe his luck and rounded the keeper before slotting home.

At half-time we got a further impassioned plea for the use of technology from Alan Hansen before the incredible sight of a bunch of England players, clearly in denial, talking about having' dominated' the first twenty minutes of their game. Were playing in the same match we were watching?

Meanwhile, back in J'burg, we'd seen the first half end with a right bit of rive-on and, amazingly, Maradona trying to act as peacemaker between two very stroppy sets of players and the potential for kids getting sparked an all sorts. It was quite a sight. In the second half, Tevez got another - a beauty. No argument about that one. Mexico did pull one back with twenty minutes left - another cracker from Javier Hernandez - but I missed that one. I'd gone to Top Gear for a few moments. Well, hippies and Communists hate it so it must be doing something right. Messi almost added a fourth in the final moments but Perez made a fine save. So, it's the Argies and Ze Chermans in the quarters. Again.

Goals: 116
Red Cards: 13

Brazil v Chile

After three successive matches on the BBC one forgets just how crass, bland and rubbish ITV's coverage has been at this World Cup. Chiles ranted a bit about England like a spoiled child and then opened the discussion up to the panel. Well, to Townsend and Southgate as Desailly looked about as interesetd as a very disintered thing. Andy Townsend doesn't half talk some ¤¤¤¤e at times. He went into a lengthy rant about how the players were blameless and it was all the manager's fault. It was, then, genuinely lovely to see him getting slapped down with a bit of Southgate logic. 'We failed to qualify for the European Championships, everybody blames McLaren. He gets the sack, goes off and manages PSV to the championship in Holland. Now, the same players have gone out of this World Cup and you're talking about blaming Capello, somebody who's won everything there is to win.' Yes! Yes, Gareth Southgate! Testify, brother.

We went to the stadium where Tyldesley informed us that Howard Webb and his team were taking chareg of their third game at the tournament and that hey seemed to be highly thought of within FIFA. 'England might get to the final yet,' he concluded as though that's supposed to make us feel proud, or something. Haven't we suffered enough already, Clive. And then there was the game. Hyped up as the potential match of the cup so far, the first half hour was dull and flat and produced not much, frankly. Then, typically, just as I was on the verge of giving up on it and switching over to Tiem Team, Brazil scored twice in five minutes; a header by Juan from a corner and a Luis Fabiano goal after a swift bit of counter-attacking by Kaka and Robinho. So much for 'Dunga's dull Brazil'!

Is it just me or are the trails for James Corden's thing getting more and more pleading? 'Yeah, England are gone but we've got Ruth Jones on!' Thanks for the warning, fat boy.

Anyway, second-half, Brazil strutted around like the owned the gaff and you sensed they could score whenever they fancied it. Robinho added a third after a mazy run from the impressive Ramires. Thereafter it was just a case of did Chile fancy battling to keep it at three. They did, and good on 'em for that. By the end, the television director was reduced to showing us pictures of pretty Brazilian female fans celebrating around Ellis Park. Don't they ever get tired of that?

No. of course they don't. Beat out the Samba rhythm in Rio, football's coming home.

Goals: 122
Red Cards: 13

Para-Guys v Japan

Nah. Couldn't be bothered. For the first time in nearly three weeks there was a match that, actually, defeated my concerted attempts to get enthusiastic about it. Even Roque Santa Cruz missing an open goal in the first-half didn't do anything to lighten my mood of singular introspection. I mean, it was on ITV for a start so that was piss-awful presentation to put up with. Then, the director clearly found the match so boring that he start concentrating instead on 'wacky' fans in the crowd - particularly one little Japanese fellah who just needed a good slap for his antics.

Half-time passed in a kind of haze of utter indifference. Even Jim Beglin couldn't find much to get enthused about in this one. It was just dull. two sides who'd probably slightly overachieved to get this far suddenly realising they're one clear sheet away from a Wolrd Cup quarter final. It was a recipe for this year's Switzerland v Ukraine. yes, it really was that horrible. As we got yet another shot of the stern-faced Japan coach a few minutes from the end (the one who always looks like he's about to tell Alec Guiinness 'YOU BUILD BRIDGE NOW!') a stray though struck me. THIS IS JUST ¤¤¤¤! I mean, dreadful. Easily the worst game of the tournament so far - largely because you knew that both sides were capable of more. We'd seen them produce more just a few days ago. With seconds to go Nakamura just failed to connect with a cross but, to be honest, a winner at that stage - though a blessing - would've been unjst. 'You get one of these in every world cup, Peter' Beglin told Drury. 'And, we've copped it today!'

Extra time was no better. Did Adrian Voodoo Chile really say at the break, 'that was slightly better'? Than what, Adie, colon cancer? The last few minutes were like watching treacle set. 'The inevitable looms' said Jim Beglin, ominously.

So, Townsend wittered on about some crap or other that nobody cares about, Southgate neatly avoided the highlight of HIS career in penalties. The referee seemed to want to milk every nano-second of drama out of the tedious ritual of tossing a coin. The Para-guys went first: Barreto buried his. Endo did likewise. Barrios stuck his away. Hasebe went high and equalised as his stern-faced manager looked on, unimpressed. Riveros - Mackem bound - rolled one straight down the middle as Kawashima dived out of the way. Komano's arse fell out and he hit the bar. Valdez was cool, clinical and it was 4-2. Hondo was composure itself. Cardozo stepped up and Paraguay were through.

Thank God that's over.

Goals: 122
Red Cards: 13

An excellent summary of this afternoon's match, GP!

a (dan) rather apt winkie smiley would be appropriate at this juncture.


cheers again GP

Gravitational Pull's World Cup Diary - Day 20:

Today, there is no football.

Not a sausage.

Bugger all.

But, this is terrible. This cannot be allowed to stand.

Oh well ... back to the cricket, I suppose.

Ghana v Uruguay

After a match as dramatic as this afternoon's, almost anything was going to be an anti-climax. Almost anything, I said. ITV did their best - although, inevitably, their best included the hugely patronising spectacle of sending one of their reporters to Accra to sample some of the local 'colour.' How decidedly colonialist, old chaps. 'One of the first rules of sports broadcasting is not to show any favouritism,' noted Clive Tyldesley. Hang on, Tyldsely has always shown favouritism. Usually to Manchester United. Even when they're not playing. Anyway, he continued by doing exactly that, drawing a tenuous link to various Britons with some vague Ghanaian heritage (Dizzee Rah-scal, apparently). 'It's nice to have one English-speaking country left in the tournament.' Oh well, that's eighty percent of the world's population gone in a sentence. You crass Little Englander, you. After Chiles' thoroughly rotten tongue-rimming earlier where he'd, basically, told anybody intending on supporting Uruguay ('cast in the role of pantomime villain' said Tyldesley) that they were traitors, despite my own hope that Ghana would win, I was on the point of switching alliegence. But then ... it's Uruguay. Yeah. Even their mothers find them hard to love! Tyldesley finished his hatefully one-sided opening piece by concluding that the vuvuzelas were likely to be going some in the stadium. 'If you're not a fan, this might be a night for turning the sound down.' The first thing he's said that actually makes sense in about a decade.

Uruguay were the better team for most of the oepning twenty minutes or so but an enforced change (Scotti for Lugano) combined with Boeteng having an absolute blinder playing in the hole behind Gyan led to a whole series of excellent chances for Ghana. They passed the ball beautiful and were quick and smart and first to every fifty fifty ball. Just as most of us were thinking, 'it's worrying they haven't scored yet as they're so much on top' they promptly did score. And it was an effing blinder. Sulley Muntari picked the ball up in the Uruguay half and, with no-one anywhere near him, he took a touch, then another, moved into space and from about thirty five yards he hits a sweet left-foot shot that curled away from a badly-positioned Fernando Muslera and flew into the corner. Africa - and the ITV studio - went absolutely mental.

The second-half was, if anything, even better. Ghana started in the ascendacy but a stunning free-kick by Diego Forlan levelled things up after ten minutes. After that, if was 'you have an attack, we'll have an attack' as the game swung from end to end in a very attractive and exciting way. There were no more goals, though and so we got thirty more minutes. And for once, that wasn't a chore! It took Jim beglin until five minutes from the end of extra time before he found an excuse for a 'beam me up, Scotti' joke. Again, the game swung backwards and forward, first Uruguay having the upper hand, then the Africans coming back strongly.

Penalties looked certain when with, literally, the last kick of the game a scramble in the box ended with Suarez handling on the line. Red card. Penalty. Up stepped Gyan ... and hit the bar. I repeat, penalties looked certain. Crikey, talk about drama: Forlan was faultless. Gyan made no mistake second time around. Great penatly - top corner. Victorino, likewise, was clinical. Appiah, off a short run, also put it in the corner. Scotti drilled in low and Kingson managed to dive over it. Mensah the Mackem, off a one-paced run, hit it straight at Muslera. Wretched. Maxi Pereira's arse fell out and he skied it over the bar. Worse than wretched! Adiya's effort was saved too. Do either of you guys want to win this thing? Abreu walked up to take his kick like a man of his way to the gallows. He was cheeky, he chipped it. And Uruguay were in the semi-finals. The crowd went silent.

Goals: 128
Red Cards: 15

I'll miss this thread when it is all over

this was down on p3