I PHONED THE TIMBER YARD THIS MORNING - I'M SUICIDAL NOW

The bloke on the other end was a genuine Norfolkian carrot cruncher. :(

Him :'Morning, can I help you?'

Me :'Yes mate, I want a sheet of ply please, 6mm will do, the cheap stuff and I'd like 3 sawcuts.'

(They charge 50p a cut , but it's dead straight and saves me cutting it)

Him :'Would you like the Far Easten ply ? That's best for outside work.'

Me : ' No thanks mate, I'm doing this internally. It won't be in the rain at all, its going in a shed.'

Him : 'In a shed you say, you want the cheap ply then'

Me Laughing to myself : 'Yes mate.'

Him : 'What thickness would you like, sir ?'

Me : 'Still 6 mm.'

Him : Steel 6mm ? It's plywood '

Me : You misheard me mate, STILL 6mm, like I asked for when you answered the phone.'

Him : 'Aah gotcha now. Do you need any cuts, we charge 50p per cut.'

Me: (sighh) Yes please. I'd like 2 pieces at 122 cms by 60 cms, and 1 piece at 122 cms by 110 cms.'

Him : ' Just let me get a pen'

My thought balloon said ' FFS you daft bastid, you're in sales, the pen should be in your facking hand' but what I actually said was

'Okay mate.'

Him : Give me those sizes, again please sir.'

Bear in mind that he's already agreed to sell me a sheet of 6mm ply.

I repeated the sizes.

Him ' Okay, 60 cms, we'll call that two feet.

Me : What about the 110 cms piece, what's that going to be called ?

Him : Hang on, a metre is 3 feet 4 inches, plus another 3 inches is 3 feet 7 inches sir.

Me : My shed is 230 cms internally. If you cut those sizes it won't fit. If It was going outside it wouldn't matter, but it has to fit inside. The slightest fraction over means it won't fit inside, do you understand that ?'

Him : I always work in feet and inches, it's easier.

Me : Okay then. Give me 2 at 4 feet by 2 feet, and 1 at 4 feet by 3 feet 6 and a half inches.

This was repeated twice while he wrote it down.

Then this :

Him : Are you sure you're going to get that out of one sheet, sir?'

Me : Yes mate. The sheet is 8 feet by 4 feet in 1960s terms, so I just want three cuts at those widths, you can keep the strip left over '

Him : Oh I see, you're turning it on it's side. Okay. Would you like anything else, sir ?'

Me stifling a laugh : How long are your 2 inch by 2 inch uncut timber lengths.'

Him : We don't stock 2 inch by 2 inch sir.

Me : Okay. Whats the closest you've got to that ?

Him : 45mm by 45mm

FFS!!!! :^0 :^0

Me : And how long are they ?

'Him : You can have what size you like sir, at 50p a cut.'

Me ' No I want them in whole lengths, I'll cut them myself. What length do they come in?

Him : 16 feet sir.

:^0 :^0

Me : I'll have 4 lengths please.

'He read the order back, gave me the price, and asked ' Will you be collecting it or would you like it delivered sir?'

Me : 'Delivered please mate. I haven't got a van or a truck, and I know it's a fiver.'

He added £5 to the total and told me the new total, as if I didn't know already...

Him : What day would you like it delivered sir ?

Me: This afternoon or tomorrow please.

Him : I can't squeeze that in until Tuesday sir I've got a vehicle taking a full load of roof struts to Kent tomorrow, one truck off the road and one booked out in Lincolnshire.'

At this point I gave up and said 'Okay mate, that's fine'

He said goodbye and hung up.

The timber yard is less than 3 miles from my house.

The truck going to Kent has to virtually pass my door to get to the A17, and he has to go on the A17.

Logistics don't exist up here. :^0