child custody/ contact

another reason not to get married or have kids

^^^^ suits you sir

The only way you can manage it is by a reasonable arrangement with your ex. No court can legislate against a "cold" or "homework" or whatever excuse she may use. You have to sort access between you.

Cool down and then get in touch with this lot.

http://www.fnf.org.uk/

care to expand on the reasons why you think she is a slapper and psycho?

"I have concerns about how she looks after him, but nothing major or substantial enough to get custody from her."

hire a private detective

"I'm not going to do it, but does anyone know what would happen if I just said I wasn't giving him back after one weekend?"

you will be well and truly fccucked, dont do it, if you make sure you convert to islam first and give yourself a fighting chance

"Also, a slightly more sensible questioin, as he gets older how much can I expect to have hiim stay with me in school holidays etc?"

depends how much**ging your ex wants to get up to, if she wants to go to**aluf you might get a frtnight in the summer hols

"From what my solicitor says, the access I've got right now is reasonably generous for such a young child and I'd be unlikelly to get more if it ended up in court."

listen to them, they know more about it than any of us

Sounds like you and her are still taking chunks out of each other and the child is caught in the crossfire - it's easily done.

Get in touch with families need fathers via the website I posted in my last post before you involve solicitors. Solicitors should be a last resort, there are a few real parasites out there - better to sort it out between you with an agreed third party if you can and spend the inflated fees on the child's future instead.

The access of every weekend sounds unusual, and spending that much time under your roof should be reflected in your maintenace payments. If you threaten legal proceedings, there must be a fair chance she will want this reduced (maybe to score points, surely at some stage she will want to spend weekends with her child anyway).

dont keep him, makes you look like a loon and disrespecful of the court. The court is your friend in these situations.

Every weekend sounds generous to me. Go with what your soilictor says, if you disagree with them get a new one but dont go against the courts.

If you have concerns about his care raise it with your ex or your solicitor and see what they say.

Sounds like you and her are still taking chunks out of each other and the child is caught in the crossfire

Yeah try not to fall into this, its hard not to, but its wasted energy and counter productive even if they are orrible

believe it or not....if you just kept the child then unless a residency order has already been made by a court....then there is firk all anyone could do to you!

An 'average' access agreement would be something like alternate weekends, 3 or 4 weeks within the school holidays (no more than 2 weeks consecutively) and every other christmas. You should also be allowed to see them on, or at least very close to birthdays.

howard, do you have parental responsibility for the child? is your name on the birth cert?

parental responsibility is now automatic if named on birth cert!

RD - he should have if he was married and the child is only one.

should have? name has to be on the birth cert

Yes, I am assuming it is his child. I wasn't married and had to go to court to get a PRO in 2007, just before the law changed to give named unmarried fathers the same parental rights as married ones.

if she is a slapper id suggest a DNA test as well

canaryboy 25 Dec 23:03
another reason not to get married or have kids

1000 DISCOMBOBULATED. I never thought I'd agree with Budgie, but there you go.

what?

ever?

btw you're the 1000th poster to say that

She may get worse, she may not. But you will need very good details to get custody of a child in what is basically a system endemically biased against men. And I am a barrister, by the way.

Keep a diary, this is strong advice. I have had exactly the same experience. As it has worked for me, I am in a position to take my son back with me. I might have to. But, at the moment I have him about 50% of the time, it has been this way for years and what my lad is used to. I take the view that to change this and reduce time with his mother (after all, you only get one) would be not perfect.

I have been able though to get her to address her behaviour (it is mostly alcohol related). My solicitor has shown hers my notes over the last 18 months ( when the problems began, we have been seperated 7 years).

Her solicitor has plainly spoken to her and given her strong advice that she could lose her son. She is behaving better, not perfect, but better. So the lad has a better mum and a normal life (or what he is used to any way).

The point being, keep a diary. It gives you ammunition in a most biased forum. You can choose how to go ahead with your own relationships based on your own circumstances.

op sounds bitter still and that's understandable.
however , you have an agreement in place and its best to try and work things out between you. a mediator seems a good idea.
forget about court , im still in the middle of my case.
i went in with an open mind and decided that men had equal rights now regardless of what everyone else had told me.
we as fathers do have more rights but in no way equal.
go to court and you will be fleeced and probably be worse off with contact.
got to keep strong and keep fighting to remain a meaningful presence in your child's life, it really isn't easy.
i would also do everything possible to get over your previous wife/partner, when u are making claims like in your post then its not helping your case and most importantly the child.

She sounds like a right catch !

Run her over.

i did do a dna test, i thought that was pretty sensible as she was **ing when he was only 8 months old.

We were married so I do have parental responsibility, as I said I'm not planning to do it, but as one poster here said, as far as I can see there's nothing anyone could do if I just decided to keep him. I can't see that anything says he has to live with her, not me! So just wondering if that really is the case....

Thanks for all the advice, it's good advice and far more measured than I was expecting. I think it's fair to say I am fairly bitter towards her, more because she has messed me around so much over our son than because she **ed. I will start to keep a detailed diary, and I will also always try to be civil as I know I will always need favours from her re access, and it would be far better that way for our son, trouble is I have been trying to be civil for a couple of months and she always just comes out with more nastiness, such as chucking me out in the middle of an access visit when she insisted I could only see him at his house that weekend.

2 weeks in holidays sounds pretty good, it was only last night that I realised I would get that in the future!

:)

If it helps, my son was two and half when we seperated. It was a nightmare for the first year. My lad and I are as thick as thieves now, he is ten. As close as my Dad and I were, which is what I always hoped for. Just stick in.

and good luck

the bitterness is the hardest thing to let go of.
you have to get over her , that takes time but is easy enough.
then she starts using the kids against you , they know when they cant touch you anymore so use the kids.
at least you are seeing the kids and she is probably happy with the break for the moment.
best advice i can give is to get some sort of agreement sorted out between the 2 of you.
maybe ask someone to mediate if you both struggle to keep it together.
then you have it in writing , thats the most important thing !
she will eventually want to move on with her life , thats when u need the legal agreement!
in my case , she went off with another guy , i had the kids 50/50 on a week on/off basis for 2 years , she then decides she is moving to another country.
i begged her to talk about it but she just said she was going , i was left with no option but to go to court.
1st thing happened was i lost my 50/50 contact
then she got made primary carer
she pretty much ignored any contact orders that court made for me , nothing ever done about it , in fact i felt it was almost insinuated that i had been the one who had caused the problems?
now she is most likely going ahead with the move.
so the courts really are a last resort !
but get something in writing regarding contact.
2 1/2 years i had them week on / week off , 5 minutes in court and i became a nobody , a weekend father , 2 days a week.
disgrace

I would invite you guys to take a look at Families Need Fathers. They are not the bunch of nuts who climb up buildings, but an impressive pressure group dedicated to changing the very biased system. I am not active, but am a member. Happy to send my subscription.

Cheers Sibaroni, I've joined