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why have elephants got big ears
nodyy wont pay ransom |
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Music Teacher to class:
Whats 'Magnum Opus' A: A Biig Irish Cat |
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What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and Twiggy?
One's a phoney buck................. |
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Whats green and brown, got six legs and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A snooker table. |
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What's white and wears a cowboy hat?
Billy The Fridge. |
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A woman decides her marriage needs spicing up a bit so goes out and buys a pair of crotchless panties. When her husband gets home that night, she is laying on the sofa with her legs open. When he asks her whats going on she replies
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One day, up in the frozen north a polar bear and his son were out for a stroll. Daddy bear sat on a lump of ice to admire the view and sent his son off to play. Two minutes later Junior came back to dad and says, "Can I ask you a question dad?"
"Sure, son what is it?" "Am I a real polar bear, Dad?" asks Junior. Dad smiles and says, "Of course you are, son. Now go and play." So off Junior goes again throws some snowballs at the seals but soon he's back. "Hey Dad, are you sure I am a real polar bear? Is there not a wee bit of brown bear or black bear in me?" Dad smiles again and says, "Look son you've got big hairy black feet, a white coat, and a black shiny nose...of course you're a polar bear....now go back and play." Once again Junior runs off...slides down the ice....chases a couple of seagulls...after ten minutes of fun he returns with a puzzled look on his face..... "Daaaad....are you absolutely sure I'm a polar bear?" "Look son...I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear, your granny and grandpa were polar bears...why are you asking all these questions?" Junior looks up and says...."Cause I'm ******* freezing! " |
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:)
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Why shouldn't you wear Russian undies?
Cos Chernobyl fallout |
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what's pink and hangs out your underpants?
Your mum. |
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two pubes sitting in a toilet.
One says to the other, "I'm getting pi$$ed off here" |
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what's green and eats winkles?
syphilis |
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What's round and nasty?
A vicious circle. |
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I knocked over a kid who was carrying a cymbal.
Badum Tish! |
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use to get Manchester Tart for pudding on school dinners, (pastry, jam, thick custard, coconut)
we use to say, Manchester Tart makes you f@rt Custard Powder makes it louder ! |
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reg yes - never looked forward to that.
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Which ill sea creatures are worth more than a fiver?
Sick squid! |
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yes reg think its London and the SE. My favourite was that chocolate pudding with hot chocolate sauce.
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never heard of Gypsy Tart but just Googled it =
'Originating in Kent, the story behind this pie is that during the early part of the 20th century a lady regularly saw undernourrished gypsy children playing in the fields next to her house. One day she decided to feed them but had nothing more than a pie crust, evaporated milk and brown sugar. She made the sweet tart and henceforth the tart has been a Kentish tradition, present in many Kentish bakeries and of course, a regular on school dinner menus during the 60's, 70's and 80's.' Remember those tins of evaporated milk, are Mum always had a few of them in the larder ! Usually came out for a Sunday tea with something. |
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cheers for that Dell
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What's blue and facks pensioners ?
Hypothermia |
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What's blue and facks pensioners ?
Me, in my favourite blue coat. |
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Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo. |
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What wieghs two tons and takes the p*ss?
A dialysis machine. |
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Small boy and a paedophile walking throught the woods at night, the boy says 'I'm scared, paedophile replies 'how do you think I feel, I've got to walk out of here all alone'.
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boy:DAD WHATS A C U N T
dad:come with me,(mothers lying on the bed upstairs completely naked) see that black triangle there son, well thats called a f a n n y the rest of its a C U N T |
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Baggers 17 Dec 18:37
What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup? Well you can roast beef but you can't pee soup What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your c0ck up a bird's arse. How do you get a fat bird into bed? Piece of cake. |
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what's brown and sits on a wall?
Humpty Jobby |
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Two buckets of sick were walking down a street. First one says "I will always remember this street". Second one says "why is that?". First one says "This is where I was brought up".
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ttt - need to see this lot again tomorrow, I've had a s%&t week
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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, All the king's horses, And all the king's men, Said feck him, he's only an egg! |
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What would you buy a scottish epileptic for xmas ?..... A wii fit !
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Use to go up to the girls in class and do Tony Hancock - pointing to the body parts -
TOE - KNEE - HAND - C@CK ! |