Fun With Pubic Lice

1. Invite elderly relative round for afternoon tea.
2. Politely take their coat to bedroom for safe keeping and sit them down in a comfy armchair.
3. Make them a cup of tea and ask if they would like some cake to accompany it.
4. Cut inch-thick peice of out-of-date Battenburg and put on unwashed plate on floor.
5. Remove trousers and pants and stand above cake.
6. Comb through itching pubic hair for 4 minutes, sprinkling pubic lice all over cake and plate.
7. Put pants and trousers back on and take cake through to lounge and serve.
8. Whilst relative is coughing and spluttering whilst forcing down cake, rifle through coat pockets in bedroom stealing any petty cash, coupons and pension book.
9. Return to lounge and ask if cake was enjoyed whilst staring menacingly.
10. Tell relative they will have to go as you have diarrhoea.
11. Retire to off licence to purchase strong beer and fence any unusable stolen items.