Chit Chat
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
07 Dec 06
18:01
Joined:
Date Joined:
10 Apr 02
For those who have never read this before, give it a go.
Written by Macsyz D. last year, it's hilarious once you get into it.
Written by Macsyz D. last year, it's hilarious once you get into it.
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 119
|
By:
Anyway, my Uncle Kaspar was visiting yesterday and he asked if Id watched Poirot. The trouble with Uncle Kaspar is that he takes four hours to tell you about a programme that lasted for an hour. Poirot was looking forward to spending Christmas with his excellent radiators and a big box of chocolates, but some officious geezer persuaded him to investigate a crime something to do with Egyptian relics. There might even be a murder involved I dont know.
|
|
By:
Poirot goes to stay with a posh family and theyre all present in the kitchen with the cook, stirring the Christmas pudding mixture. Theyre going on about stirring the mixture for luck so they keep stirring and they take turns stirring, stirring, stirring, stirring.
|
|
By:
It's about time that you all had to suffer as I suffer at the hands of Uncle Kaspar.
|
|
By:
Right, I'm off to ask Uncle Kaspar what happened next. That should take up about four hours of my Sunday. It'll save me from sweeping the leaves that are covering the path.
|
|
By:
Poirot was intrigued with the Christmas pudding mixture. With that odd foreign accent he said : "Who did this puddin'? It's gallus."
Then a chubby, middle-aged cook spoke up and Poirot said, "Missus, yer a bit o' an artist - the whole hoose is redolent wi' nice pongs such as ginger, lemon, nutmeg, and Buckfast tonic wine." You could tell that, even though Poirot is being a flatterer and charmer, the wheels are turning. This Belgian guy does not miss a trick. |
|
By:
In my opinion, this scene would have worked just as well with WEETABIX.
|
|
By:
Just you wait. I'm fed up with these threads that go on for days and days, weeks and weeks, months and months! I'm hoping to drive this one through til Christmas - until Poirot is sick of eating Belgian chocolates and everybody else is fed up with WEETABIX.
Of course, that might never happen, as WEETABIX is so nutritious and good for the digestive system, but I envisage a time when Betfairians will be BEGGING for an end to this thread well before Christmas. |
|
By:
[i]WEETABIX are the number one breakfast cereal.
They laid off 112 workers in two plants last week,..while people eat MUESLI !! |
|
By:
You muesli nut...why have you got it in for people who eat WEETABIX?
I hate to sound like Sparkmaster here - I mean, I don't want to get on my high horse...but...some nasty individuals are clearly weetabixophobic. Anyway, you are surely taking the pi$$ and I refuse to believe you unless you post a reliable link : |
|
By:
Job cuts at Weetabix
03 November 2005 It's been announced that 112 jobs will be lost at the Weetabix HQ and factories at Burton Latimer and Corby. The news will come as a blow to both the workforce and the entire town, particularly in the run-up to Poirot's Christmas. Weetabix, established in 1932, is one of the UK's leading cereal manufactures with flagship brands such as Ready Brek and Alpen. The company was owned and run by the George family until two years ago, when it was sold to American venture capital firm Hicks Muse Tate & Furst, who added it to their Premier Foods UK portfolio - including Branston, Ambrosia and other products. In a statement, chief executive Ken Wood said the redundancies were in response to tough competition and were in the best long-term interests of the entire firm. ALL QUOTED. |
|
By:
You Polish MURRPETT, it is the MOOSLI eaters who should be shot.
I is a prolific WEETABIX muncher, and having used my Abbacurse (that's better than that obsolete piece of Machinery your sexyterry uses) I s team mate I have devoured 75,920 so far. This also incorporates the use of about 18,000 pints of proper milk, none of that wishy washy fat free left wing skimmed stuff, and it has done me no harm whatsoever. In concussion, or conclusion, knot shore witch, if there was a WEETABIX political party I may vote for the first time in my life. Yours az hever Woof Woof Wibble |
|
By:
Don't you drag my sexyterry into this - Miss Zelinsky was runner up in the 1994 mental arithmetic championship of Poznan - tall ladies' category. The prize was a tour of the Weetabix facrotary in Corby, although she had to pay her own travel expenses and board. At least they let her carry away as much raw WEETABIX as she could cram into her pockets, handbag and tights.
|
|
By:
While I understand your concerns about proper milk, there is a time and place for red topped, fully skimmed milk and its communal garden cousin known as UHT. When the harsh Polish winter sets in, Miss Zelinsky is unable to travel regularly to the Dairy, where they keep a Scotch cow in the ladies' toilet -- please refrain from making "funny" jokes about LULU.
I will say no more about tights and women's toilets as I doughnut wish to offend delicate Miss Zelinsky's sensibilities. After all, I only dictate this rubbish - Miss Zelinsky has to type it. |
|
By:
Hold on I forgot the start. This is Uncle Kaspars fault as his medication for scarlet fever was making him feel a bit woozy. The story suffered more than usual (and thats saying something) because of this.
There was an Arabian prince in a nice restaurant and he let this woman called Iris wear this fabulous exotic ruby that used to belong to a Pharaoh. |
|
By:
Sure enough, as the prince became as squiffy as an evil monkey on absinthe, Iris made her excuses and headed for the ladies bogs, fingering the fabulous ruby in her possession : Just going to powdwer me nose, she said, Wont be a mwinute& The prince should have been a tad suspicious at this stage, IMHO, but, as I say, the drink was taking effect.
Even the waiters were whispering about the amount of wine theyd guzzled : TALL WAITER : She wants another bottle of wine ! SMALL WAITER : Shes had two already, the boozy tarrt ! The ruby was humongous, BTW about the size of a San Francisco 49s baseball cap. It was not the kind of prize you expect to pop out of the WEETABIX packet as a free gift. |
|
By:
¿What sense does this make? ¿ said Uncle Kaspar : ¿Kim Basinger won an oscar for copying Veronica Lake, while Veronica Lake herself ended up as a**tail waitress in a run down hotel in the 60s¿she had to survive on tips.¿
You might ask why I put up with Uncle Kaspar, especially as he sits around in his baggy underpants smoking cheap cigars. Well, Uncle Kaspar won the Polish lottery last month and he¿s promised to buy me a new hut and an electric lathe, so until I get the goodies, I have to sit through endless re-tellings of Poirot, Department S and The Invaders starring Roy Thinnes. |
|
By:
The Arab prince went PSYCHO RADGE, like Begby in Trainspotting. He ran into the ladies bogs, much to the consternation of half a dozen women who were trying to powder their noses, including Kate Moss.
|
|
By:
¿ Iris ! ¿ shouted the Arab prince.
¿ Iris ! IRIS! IRIS! IRIS! IRIS! IRIS! IRIS! IRIS! IRIS! IRIS! ¿ bUT GUESS WHAT?? THAT@S RIGHT _ I GOT STUCK ON CAPS LOCK¿AND IRIS HAD DELIBERATELY GOT THE PRINCE DRUNK SO SHE COULD MAKE OFF WITH THE RUBY. tHE PRINCE HAD TO INVOLVE THE POLICE AT THIS STAGE AND DESPITE THE FORMIDABLE SIZE OF THE POLICE FORCE they THOUGHT IT BEST TO DRAUGHT IN POIROT. |
|
By:
ttt
|
|
By:
While its true that Im a wealthy man thanks to UK Maillas tipping-up of Liverpool FC to win the Champions League at 69/1 on Betfair its nice to get summit fer nowt, innit? I could easily avoid Uncle Kaspar, but then Id have to settle for a basic hut and a manual lathe.
I have my eye on the**berk 9600 hut, which comes with a young lady who helps you assemble the hut and run it until its fully operational ; this usually takes about a fortnight. The young ladies employed by**berk are, without exception, very fit birds, and Professor**berk has designed a fetching uniform for the ladies, featuring court shoes, stockings and ridiculously short skirts. They stay over for the duration, and you have to provide meals, etc. This is not a problem I have a cupboard full of WEETABIX and tinned sardines in vegetable oil. |
|
By:
Congrats Campo that must be some kind of record for consecutive spaced postings by the same person
|
|
By:
Saving.
|
|
By:
Nestor, just warming up... :)
The record on the old forum was about 250, but Gogoidlle got about 800 one night IIRC. |
|
By:
I understand there has been much controversy on Betfair regarding whether susses, hold-ups or tights are best : I do not know, for these are technical issues, beyond the grasp of the non-scientific mind. However, I have scouted out Professor**berk on the issue, and for a SUBSTANTIAL FEE, he is willing to prepare an ILLUSTRATED REPORT on the matter, to decide the issue once and for all. Professor**berk is known as the Hugh Hefner of Nowa Huta. It is a great honour to enter the gates of the**berk Mansion.
Most of the hut technicians Ive seen (and Ive seen a few, as I used to be a**berk groupie in the 1990s) are pale blondes ; indeed, there is a 15% surcharge for tanned brunettes. There are NO gingers in Poland as they all escaped in the closing stages of World War 2. All, that is, except BONIEK, the great Polish forward who played for Juventus. Finally, I should state that the**berk 9600 is so called because that is the cubic capacity in feet of this marvellous hut. If you want a sloping roof, then add a 20% surcharge. |
|
By:
Now, gentlemen, you will understand my desperation to stick in there and hear everything there is to know about Poirot, Jason King and The Invaders starring Roy Thinnes. There is much at stake, even if one or two of the blondes have resorted to peroxide. Uncle Kaspar continues to relate these narratives in excruciating detail. He needs a good editor
When Scotland Yard came to fetch Poirot, he was buying quality Belgian chocs from the quality Belgian choc shop. Forget about that Albanian muck from the Poundstore you know, the stuff that tastes like sealing wax covered in shellac. The assistant offered Poirot a single dark chocolate resting on a lace serviette on a silver tray. It was a WEETABIX-Buckfast liqueur, dusted with Horlicks powder. In his inimitable foreign accent, Poirot gasped, Mmmmm Magny feek! Hey mate, this choc is exquisite geez thirty dozen. Hiv ye goat any Barrs Irn Bru tae wash them doon ? A week of total repose and thirty dozen o these wee crackers will dae it fer Poirot oer the festive season. Thank you sir, replied the assistant, And a very merry Christmas to you, Monsieur Poirot. As soon as he left the building, Poirot was collared by the Old Bill. |
|
By:
Iris was still nowhere in sight BTW - she had clearly scarpered with BIG RUBY. By this, I don't mean to imply that she was having some sort of lesbian affair with a butch daughter of Sappho - that would be slanderous. Or is it? Maybe Iris wouldn't mind. Maybe she could get Sparkmaster to offer a heroic defence of her sexuality...NOT that I'm implying that she is a thieving lesbo : I CAN'T EMPHASIZE THAT ENOUGH. I don't know why she stole BIG RUBY. She may have done it for the cash, to boost her sagging Betfair account. It's still too early to tell.
Over a big, steaming bowl of tripe, Uncle Kaspar told me about the time the English rock group, Radiohead, played in Poznan. Uncle Kaspar wasnt the roadie he was the general handyman at the theatre. This was at a time before Radiohead had signed their first record deal and they were a chirpy, upbeat bunch of kids who were quite happy to tour Eastern Europe in an old VW camper van. They reminded Uncle Kaspar of the kids in Scooby Doo, except there were no girls in the group&and there was no dog. |
|
By:
¿What is Szcooby meant to be anywayi?¿ asked Uncle Kaspar, ¿A Great Dzane?? That show went downhill when they brung in-ed the Szcrappy Doo¿and then there was the Szcooby Dumb with no end of charaktersz they could add to the franchise.¿
In some ways, Uncle Kaspar remained a Socialist and he disapproved of this kind of Capitalism that exploited the kids, who would invariably pester their mothers into buying expensive franchise toys and bedspreads, etc. |
|
By:
Radiohead had to share the theatre with the Poznan Bluebell Youth Choir, a group of talented young ladies who did recitals of Bach, Handel and Stockhausen over the Christmas period. One day, hot-headed Jonny Greenwood got into a fierce argument with the PBYCs lead vocalist, Krystyna Czartoryski.
Just as they were on the verge of fisticuffs, Uncle Kaspar separated them and gave them an old fashioned leather football. He told them to go outside and work off the excess energy they had. |
|
By:
Uncle Kaspar had Radiohead pegged as rugger buggerrz, but they put up a decent enough display on the rutted tarmac ground. The game ended in a 0-0 draw despite the fact that the all-girl PBYC conceded a penalty in the dying seconds ; Thom Yorke pulled his pen four feet past the goalies left hand post.
Krystyna Czartoryski was in Thoms face straight away, wagging her finger : You iz rubbishz muzik ! Like The Fall and Elvis Costelloz you will never be ! Thom Yorke was inconsolable. |
|
By:
ttt ?
|
|
By:
ttt ?
|
|
By:
Just dug this out of the bin for you campo. Hurry up we still haven't caught up to where we were on G'Betting.
|
|
By:
The blokes from Scotland Yard bundled Poirot into a car and rushed him off to see some high-powered civil servant, who explained the governments position. What a building, BTW extremely opulent, with decorated ceilings, wide staircases and vast chandeliers. There was even a pianola in the corner, knocking out Knees Up Mother Brown.
Ows yer farver? All right? enquired the civil servant. But Poirot was having none of it. He went off on one. Poirot was SEETHING, IMO : |
|
By:
¿ Why should this concern Hercule Poirot ya numpty ? This foolish young prince comes tae London tae collect from Asprey¿s the precious re-mounted ruby whut the Pharaoh used tae own¿foolishly he meets up wi¿ some tarrty wummin¿ and foolishly he lets her get him drunk¿foolishly, he lets her go tae the bogs unaccompanied and she scarpers wi¿ BIG RUBY, disappearin¿ intae the night. Aw naw, mate ¿ this isnae a case fur Hercule Poirot ¿ ah hiv goat better things tae dae this Chrimbo ¿ mate - this is a case fur the Commissioner in LUNACY ! ¿
|
|
By:
Unknown to Poirot, the young Arabian prince was standing behind him all the time.
" I like this fellow," said the prince, "He's funny !" " You ur the prince - Prince Farouk ! " replied a gobsmacked Poirot. |
|
By:
Meanwhile, the pianola had switched to "I'm Forever Blowin' Bubbles." Poirot reasoned that the cylinder had clearly been set by a staunch West Ham United fan. This might be an important clue to bear in mind - I don't know - it's still too early to tell ; it might be a claret and blue herring ; more waffle, as there are still 43 days to go before Christmas. Is that right?? 43 days of this?? Poirot should solve the case before then, IMO.
|
|
By:
That'll do for now Sea, don't want you getting over excited...
|
|
By:
Uncle Kaspar bought himself a hoss with some of the lottery cash. As he stays in a multi storey - on the 18th floor - he exercises the hoss by ferrying it up and down in the lift all day. It's looking pretty tight and is due to run at Nowa Huta Park tomorrow. It's a big grey five year old colt called WOMBAT PRZEZNACZENIA.
Uncle Kaspar is on the phone and hopefully, we can post the runners soon. |
|
By:
11-111---------- POLISH SHERGAR 3-9-3&&&&&&&&&.A.Chechanowski
40000 ---------- JOCKSTRAP DILEMMA 3-8-11&&&&&&&Z.Zanussi (7) 22-210----------AL QQUDISTAQOORAMAN 3-8-6&&&&&...L.Dettori 012-44---------- CUSTERS ARMHOLE t5-9-6&&&&&&&&I.Mongan 300/03---------- MUCKY WHELK SACK 6-8-10&&&&&&&.R.Polanski ow 8 560023----------STENCH OF SOX 8-9-0&&&&&&&&&& U.P.Tempanski 00/005-----------AR$E ON FIRE 5-9-5&&&&&&&&&&&..G.W.Bush ow 37 42-110-----------WOMBAT PRZEZNACZENIA 5-9-3&&&&&Uncle Kaspar (7) ow 22 21/055-----------TEXTURED LURV BUCKET 10-8-8&&&&&..T.Lomnicki Forecast...4/5 POLISH SHERGAR, 4/1 JOCKSTRAP DILEMMA, 11/2 AL QQUDISTAQOORAMAN, 7/1 CUSTER's ARMHOLE, 25/1 STENCH OF SOX, 33/1 TEXTURED LURV BUCKET, 50/1 MUCKY WHELK SACK, 66/1 WOMBAT PRZEZNACZENIA, 500/1 AR$E ON FIRE. Godolphin have sent over an ex-Hamdan one. Gentlemen - where is youz money going ? |