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10 Nov 09
16:42
Joined:
Date Joined:
03 Dec 06
When I was but a wee fella I was at University in Halls. Every so often I would buy some food and stick it in the communal fridge only for it to get eaten by this scrote downstairs.
Having worked hard to get on the course I didn't fancy falling at the first hurdle by getting thrown off for filling the cnunt in and he wasn't the type to reason with, as he was such a gobby little shiit, and so I hatched a cunning plan.
I bought some decent quality sliced meat and after going for a long run I gave it the once over all over my balls, bell end and the really cheesy, sweaty crevices between the leg and knackers.
Next morning it was all gone. Job done. Especially when I then left a note detailing what I had done. He did look a bit peaky when I saw him that day.
:)
Having worked hard to get on the course I didn't fancy falling at the first hurdle by getting thrown off for filling the cnunt in and he wasn't the type to reason with, as he was such a gobby little shiit, and so I hatched a cunning plan.
I bought some decent quality sliced meat and after going for a long run I gave it the once over all over my balls, bell end and the really cheesy, sweaty crevices between the leg and knackers.
Next morning it was all gone. Job done. Especially when I then left a note detailing what I had done. He did look a bit peaky when I saw him that day.
:)
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an old favourite but cling film over the sh!thouse pan when a colleague has the squirts is always good for a laugh
I find a fire cracker up a vagina to be a cracking laugh
positively
You may have heard it when I was posting as Eternal Optimist some time ago. I assure you it is genuine.
You may have heard it when I was posting as Eternal Optimist some time ago. I assure you it is genuine.
..In the office get a tiny itsy bitsy piece of cellotape and stick it iver one of the prongs of a colleagues phone ..
then ring their extension and pretend to be chatting to a customer ..
they will answer it and the phone just keeps on ringing + ringing+ ringing + ringing ....done right they don't notice the very teeny bit ....and you keep on chatting to " Mrs Jackson "over her order whilst listening to the ringing tone on your phone :D
then ring their extension and pretend to be chatting to a customer ..
they will answer it and the phone just keeps on ringing + ringing+ ringing + ringing ....done right they don't notice the very teeny bit ....and you keep on chatting to " Mrs Jackson "over her order whilst listening to the ringing tone on your phone :D
as your colleague clambers over + under their desk going mental ..
my ex watched a supposed 'real life' docu about aliens taking over this home, she was naieve enough to believe it was a true story...after it finished, she went into the kitchen to make a drink..i furtively made my way into hall and put my daughters little hooded yellow mac over my head whilst kneeling down in the dark..she came out and was scared senseless..i thought it funny though
Another I posted as EO. When I was in a swanky pub down in Covent Garden I farted and followed through. I squelched off to the bog and it was like a scene from Hamburger Hill. I managed to get my grundies off and tidy meself up but didn't know what to do with said kecks and so I hung them on the back of the door for the crack.
A bit later one of my mates came back from the bog and said, "You'll never guess what some dirty cnunt has done."
A bit later one of my mates came back from the bog and said, "You'll never guess what some dirty cnunt has done."
fair enough larry. i wasn't having a go, its just that i had genuinely heard that one before.
Somebody stealing my shine? I'll burst em.
:)
:)
someone threw a stink bomb where a few of us were working so I managed to filch his car keys, stick a stink bomb onto his brake pedal then put his keys back so he wouldn't suspect anything was amiss. The following day we all just went about our business as usual but inside we were all p1ssing ourselves knowing we'd got him back big time and watching him think "was it him?" every time he talked to anyone. It drove him mad!
Filling up somebodies work tool box with loads of junk and tools ,making out he was steeling.loooooooooooooooooooool
Gave a couple of mates a lend of my dirty old transit van once.
Didnt tell them the brakes had gone. They had to tip the van over with the handbrake
coming down a bank. Wished i had seen their faces.
Didnt tell them the brakes had gone. They had to tip the van over with the handbrake
coming down a bank. Wished i had seen their faces.
I worked in a steelwork and the amount of practical jokes there was amazing,one guy who was the butt of most on his shift came into the amenity block when the rest of the guys were having their tea,he says "enjoying your tea guys" and then proceeds to fish a pair of his Y-fronts out of the urn,examines them and says"all that boiling and there's still skidmarks on them",he left the amenity block quite quickly closely followed by several cups of tea.
When I was an apprentice I was called to one of the switchrooms over the tannoy,I kind or ran into the switchroom(you had to be quite quick as you maybe had to reset something to get the plant started up)I was met by a wll of darkness as the door banged shut behind me and I received a blast of CO2(from a fire extinguisher) to the baws.It was feckin freezing :(
cod piece I bet your Irish ,, they always tell lies and try and make out they are intelligent Uni [line halls etc ,,
A great one is to cover someones desk with paper cups full of water. Cover the desk - it's absolutely brilliant - they have to take them off one by one by one. Spiggin awesome. Not exactly a bomb, but funny to watch!
I was bored one lunchtime and using a little creativity with the truth I entered my friend and his wife in to a competition in The Sun to appear in a lovers guide video. Imagine his suprise when he got a phone call from the features editor, congratulating them on being one of the few selected for an audition, and when would they like to hold it.
HRH The Lager Khan 10 Nov 20:32
I was bored one lunchtime and using a little creativity with the truth I entered my friend and his wife
Nice one :^0 imo
I was bored one lunchtime and using a little creativity with the truth I entered my friend and his wife
Nice one :^0 imo
heard that a guy in village pub was bragging about his new rangerover( or whatever)- what a fantastic car etc- went on about it ad nauseumin the pub: the guys snuck into his house and pinched his spare keys - spent next month topping up his car with petrol every few days: 'marvelous car this- and the petrol consumption is fantastic - getting 50+ to the gallon'
After the first service they stopped topping it up- guy was going ape at the garage for fecking up his car re the mileage and sent it back to em twice.
After the first service they stopped topping it up- guy was going ape at the garage for fecking up his car re the mileage and sent it back to em twice.
A neighbour of mine in Cambridgehire back in the 70s painted his brothers house bright pink while he was on his holidays.
A few months later, after the house had been put right, he decided to get his brother back by sneaking to his house in the middle of the night, jacking up his car, nicking all the wheels and leaving it on axle stands.
Would have been a good prank if he hadn't jacked up the wrong car.
Same model, same colour. Belonged to a bloke on the other side of the road, who called the police when he saw him out there. :^0
A few months later, after the house had been put right, he decided to get his brother back by sneaking to his house in the middle of the night, jacking up his car, nicking all the wheels and leaving it on axle stands.
Would have been a good prank if he hadn't jacked up the wrong car.
Same model, same colour. Belonged to a bloke on the other side of the road, who called the police when he saw him out there. :^0
my housemate was knocking off a married piece from his work, another housemate got his first new mobile, so we sent the first one a text saying " your**ging my wife you C***. he went white. so 5 mins later we sent another saying " i know that you live on the corner of ****** street ill be around " then 5 mins later another saying " lets sort this now im coming around"
He tried to punch us when we couldnt hold back the tears anymore.
He tried to punch us when we couldnt hold back the tears anymore.
camping in OZ the same mate believed that there were brown bears and cougars in the area, also believed that the australian brown bear cant run in straight lines so if you zig zag you can outrun them, he was worried about them cougars tho,
ok last one, long time ago when returning from school my sister asked what a cut was on my head, and she believed that i scored with a header in hockey
Getting a commis chef to finely chop some flour after he has filleted some whitebait :-)
I was walking down the street one day when a young boy, about 10 years old accidently bumped into me. He was all apologetic about if but I stabbed him in the throat. You should have seen his face, lol.
Some of mine from years ago, just dug them up on another forum.
Long, but normallyworth reading. :)
September 1967, in my first job, as an apprentice electrician in a chemical manufacturing company in east London. I had already had the ' Go to the stores and ask for a long weight.' gag, and stood there for 25 ** minutes. I fell for the spanner trick with two Megger wires attached, and got a 550 volt shock. No amps, so no danger.
In the far corner of the site by the Northern Outfall (sewer bank) was the Organo Tin Plant. It was against company policy to carry cigarettes, matches or a lighter into this area of the site.
Everybody had to hand theirs in to the security guards at the front gate and sign a book stating that they carried nothing in apart from tools. Even if you were caught with a fag in your pocket in this area it warranted instant dismissal, even if you had no lighter or matches.
It was just past my 16th birthday and I worked with two electricians and a few elder apprentices. We had to go in this area after I had been there a few weeks, and all stuff was duly handed in to the guards. I was on the lower gantry and the 'spark' and two fitters, plus older apprentices, were working on the gantry about 8 feet above me.
All I got for two hours was ' Pass me up a spanner, catch this spanner, pass me a spanner, catch this spanner.' I was up and down the vertical ladder like a performing ** monkey.
After tea break I went to the store and got a couple of yards of rope. I tied it to the toolbox and walked it up the ladder, I then pulled the toolbox up on to the gantry, which saved me tons of time and energy.
After dinner we came back to find the empty toolbox on the floor, and the rope missing. I thought ' Fcuk my luck. I've now got to go up and down like a ** yo-yo to get all the tools.' After three trips one of the others on the gantry shouted out ' WTF are you doing?' so I told him. He replied ' Don't be daft. Stand there and we'll pass them down, just make sure you don't drop anything or it will spark on the chequer-plate, and blow this half of West Ham sky high.'
Naturally, I didn't know I had been set up for this.
'' Eeeeyarr...catch this' and a spanner came over the top. I had thick gloves on and caught it easily. The same thing happened again about two minutes later, and then about every minute for what seems like ** ages.
Eventually they were coming over the gantry every 10-15 seconds and I was running backwards and forwards like a ** Tom and Jerry cartoon. I caught the lot and was knackered at the end. The spark, fitters and apprentices came down the ladder and said I had done well catching them all.
I said 'I'm fcuked.'
That night I told my dad what had happened and he laughed his head off. I said 'It might be funny to you, but if I had dropped one it could have sparked an explosion.'
He laughed even more at that and said ' When you go in tomorrow look on the tools and see if they're chrome vanadium.'
I said 'Okay, what does that mean?' He laughed again and said ' They won't spark on metal, stone or concrete, that's why they use them in fire hazard areas.'
I thought 'You cnuts. How am I going to get you back?'
It took a while before I got an idea, about two months.
I was in Milos Toy Shop in Plaistow looking at Airfix models when a kid bought a packet of fake cigarettes. And it gave me the idea.
They looked like a normal fag, and had a bit of red and grey foil in the end to make it look like they were alight. They had some sort of powder in them and if you blew into them, a cloud of what looked like fag smoke came out of the end. I had to wait over a week before we got sent to the Organo plant, and I was ** impatient to get the **s back. Come the day we had the normal session in the morning up to tea break and were set to go the next gantry up at 10-30.
I left the canteen two minutes early and handed my own fags back to security. By the time they all got back I was already up on the higher gantry.
I shouted out ' Catch this' and threw a spanner over the rail. They just laughed as it dropped to the floor. I shouted out ' Now this' and threw another spanner over the rail. Cue more laughter. I then leaned over the rail with the fake fag in my mouth.
I shouted ' OI!! CATCH THIS YOU CVNTS' and flicked it over the rail.
Chaos broke out as they ran all over the ** place trying to catch as it moved in the wind.
I was laughing my ** head off. :^0 :^0 :^0
The **s got me back pretty soon after that... :(
Long, but normallyworth reading. :)
September 1967, in my first job, as an apprentice electrician in a chemical manufacturing company in east London. I had already had the ' Go to the stores and ask for a long weight.' gag, and stood there for 25 ** minutes. I fell for the spanner trick with two Megger wires attached, and got a 550 volt shock. No amps, so no danger.
In the far corner of the site by the Northern Outfall (sewer bank) was the Organo Tin Plant. It was against company policy to carry cigarettes, matches or a lighter into this area of the site.
Everybody had to hand theirs in to the security guards at the front gate and sign a book stating that they carried nothing in apart from tools. Even if you were caught with a fag in your pocket in this area it warranted instant dismissal, even if you had no lighter or matches.
It was just past my 16th birthday and I worked with two electricians and a few elder apprentices. We had to go in this area after I had been there a few weeks, and all stuff was duly handed in to the guards. I was on the lower gantry and the 'spark' and two fitters, plus older apprentices, were working on the gantry about 8 feet above me.
All I got for two hours was ' Pass me up a spanner, catch this spanner, pass me a spanner, catch this spanner.' I was up and down the vertical ladder like a performing ** monkey.
After tea break I went to the store and got a couple of yards of rope. I tied it to the toolbox and walked it up the ladder, I then pulled the toolbox up on to the gantry, which saved me tons of time and energy.
After dinner we came back to find the empty toolbox on the floor, and the rope missing. I thought ' Fcuk my luck. I've now got to go up and down like a ** yo-yo to get all the tools.' After three trips one of the others on the gantry shouted out ' WTF are you doing?' so I told him. He replied ' Don't be daft. Stand there and we'll pass them down, just make sure you don't drop anything or it will spark on the chequer-plate, and blow this half of West Ham sky high.'
Naturally, I didn't know I had been set up for this.
'' Eeeeyarr...catch this' and a spanner came over the top. I had thick gloves on and caught it easily. The same thing happened again about two minutes later, and then about every minute for what seems like ** ages.
Eventually they were coming over the gantry every 10-15 seconds and I was running backwards and forwards like a ** Tom and Jerry cartoon. I caught the lot and was knackered at the end. The spark, fitters and apprentices came down the ladder and said I had done well catching them all.
I said 'I'm fcuked.'
That night I told my dad what had happened and he laughed his head off. I said 'It might be funny to you, but if I had dropped one it could have sparked an explosion.'
He laughed even more at that and said ' When you go in tomorrow look on the tools and see if they're chrome vanadium.'
I said 'Okay, what does that mean?' He laughed again and said ' They won't spark on metal, stone or concrete, that's why they use them in fire hazard areas.'
I thought 'You cnuts. How am I going to get you back?'
It took a while before I got an idea, about two months.
I was in Milos Toy Shop in Plaistow looking at Airfix models when a kid bought a packet of fake cigarettes. And it gave me the idea.
They looked like a normal fag, and had a bit of red and grey foil in the end to make it look like they were alight. They had some sort of powder in them and if you blew into them, a cloud of what looked like fag smoke came out of the end. I had to wait over a week before we got sent to the Organo plant, and I was ** impatient to get the **s back. Come the day we had the normal session in the morning up to tea break and were set to go the next gantry up at 10-30.
I left the canteen two minutes early and handed my own fags back to security. By the time they all got back I was already up on the higher gantry.
I shouted out ' Catch this' and threw a spanner over the rail. They just laughed as it dropped to the floor. I shouted out ' Now this' and threw another spanner over the rail. Cue more laughter. I then leaned over the rail with the fake fag in my mouth.
I shouted ' OI!! CATCH THIS YOU CVNTS' and flicked it over the rail.
Chaos broke out as they ran all over the ** place trying to catch as it moved in the wind.
I was laughing my ** head off. :^0 :^0 :^0
The **s got me back pretty soon after that... :(
Same company, about two weeks later.
Me, being the only new recruit that year, was the youngest of all the apprentices, and so everybody else knew what I had coming.
An exceedingly dirty part of the firm was ' N' Dept. It was a sh1thole, it was hardly ever swept and the aroma of old spilt acid hung in the air. To get to 'N' you had to walk through ' X' Dept where all was bright and sparkly clean.
On one such journey back from 'N' I was dirtier than normal and planned on using the showers at the end of 'X'. I got in, stripped off, admired my good looks and physique in the mirror (the good old days... ) turned to get into the shower, and got pounced on by six big fackers. I was dragged into ' N' dept, which facking stank, and with use of yard brooms they shoved me into a corner. There was a milk crate they had already put there earlier. They kept pushing and I had nowhere to go. But they only stopped when I got on the crate and they had me pinned in the corner.
Four held me in place, while the other two rolled out big glass carboys. For those that don't know, carboys are used to transport acid. They then poured this fluid all over the floor and it slowly flowed up to the wall and under the milk crate. As far as I was concerned I had no chance whatsoever of walking out, and would have to get up on to the overhead pipes to get over this pool of acid and drop down to the floor.
They dropped their brooms by the door and facked off. I reached up for the only pipe I could safely get at without jumping up and risking falling off the crate, but it was a steam pipe and too hot to hold.
I just stood there looking at the clock on the wall over the office door. It was now 5-15 p.m and nobody was going to walk through as this part of the plant closed down at 5-00 p.m and all those that worked in 'X' or 'N' had gone to the clocking station already, so shouting was going to be a waste of time. I stood there naked, bored **less, thinking I had no chance of being seen until the morning when the plant workers came in.
Somebody came in alright. At about 6-30 p.m. two women came in, one was about 30, and the other was about 40. I didn't know that they knew it was all a joke. I got tits flashed at me, loads of leg. I was a virgin at 16 and wondering what was going to happen with two older women. As If I didn't have enough to worry about, acid on the floor, late getting home, two slappers flashing their wares. Panic? No, not me... oh no, calm as fack. Well, I was, but my knob, a separate entity at 16 with a mind of its own, decided to get a facking hard on.
So, now I've got my hands over my tackle, and they're standing there laughing. It was a good eighteen months later I realised they were laughing at my predicament, not the size of my knob, which was a relief.. I got lucky...
Anyway, back to the tale...
I had to speak to shut these two up ' Is there any chance of you getting me a pair of boots and overalls so I can go home?' This resulted in more laughter from the cloth eared bints. ''Why don't you walk to the changing room.?' said one of them.
I looked at her and said ' Are you blind? I'm standing on this crate, surrounded by acid, and my feet ain't made of rubber.'
She took her shoes off and started to walk towards me. I shouted ' STOP!! It's acid.' She just smiled and said 'No son, it's just water, but it does stink of acid in here.'
What a bunch of cvnts, but this is what you get when you're young, all part of lifes rich tapestry.
And I knocked one out in the shower before I went home (as you do)..
Me, being the only new recruit that year, was the youngest of all the apprentices, and so everybody else knew what I had coming.
An exceedingly dirty part of the firm was ' N' Dept. It was a sh1thole, it was hardly ever swept and the aroma of old spilt acid hung in the air. To get to 'N' you had to walk through ' X' Dept where all was bright and sparkly clean.
On one such journey back from 'N' I was dirtier than normal and planned on using the showers at the end of 'X'. I got in, stripped off, admired my good looks and physique in the mirror (the good old days... ) turned to get into the shower, and got pounced on by six big fackers. I was dragged into ' N' dept, which facking stank, and with use of yard brooms they shoved me into a corner. There was a milk crate they had already put there earlier. They kept pushing and I had nowhere to go. But they only stopped when I got on the crate and they had me pinned in the corner.
Four held me in place, while the other two rolled out big glass carboys. For those that don't know, carboys are used to transport acid. They then poured this fluid all over the floor and it slowly flowed up to the wall and under the milk crate. As far as I was concerned I had no chance whatsoever of walking out, and would have to get up on to the overhead pipes to get over this pool of acid and drop down to the floor.
They dropped their brooms by the door and facked off. I reached up for the only pipe I could safely get at without jumping up and risking falling off the crate, but it was a steam pipe and too hot to hold.
I just stood there looking at the clock on the wall over the office door. It was now 5-15 p.m and nobody was going to walk through as this part of the plant closed down at 5-00 p.m and all those that worked in 'X' or 'N' had gone to the clocking station already, so shouting was going to be a waste of time. I stood there naked, bored **less, thinking I had no chance of being seen until the morning when the plant workers came in.
Somebody came in alright. At about 6-30 p.m. two women came in, one was about 30, and the other was about 40. I didn't know that they knew it was all a joke. I got tits flashed at me, loads of leg. I was a virgin at 16 and wondering what was going to happen with two older women. As If I didn't have enough to worry about, acid on the floor, late getting home, two slappers flashing their wares. Panic? No, not me... oh no, calm as fack. Well, I was, but my knob, a separate entity at 16 with a mind of its own, decided to get a facking hard on.
So, now I've got my hands over my tackle, and they're standing there laughing. It was a good eighteen months later I realised they were laughing at my predicament, not the size of my knob, which was a relief.. I got lucky...
Anyway, back to the tale...
I had to speak to shut these two up ' Is there any chance of you getting me a pair of boots and overalls so I can go home?' This resulted in more laughter from the cloth eared bints. ''Why don't you walk to the changing room.?' said one of them.
I looked at her and said ' Are you blind? I'm standing on this crate, surrounded by acid, and my feet ain't made of rubber.'
She took her shoes off and started to walk towards me. I shouted ' STOP!! It's acid.' She just smiled and said 'No son, it's just water, but it does stink of acid in here.'
What a bunch of cvnts, but this is what you get when you're young, all part of lifes rich tapestry.
And I knocked one out in the shower before I went home (as you do)..
Same company - about two months later.
This was a genuine accident, but everybody else thought it was my practical joke.
I would never endanger life for the sake of a joke.
Our electricians shop was next to a small research lab, and about 20 yards away from the much bigger fitters shop on the opposite side of the internal road.
Above us were two offices, one for the Chief Engineer, and another for his secretary. I was sitting on a bench reading a paper and two sparks were writing out job sheets. The third spark had gone to breakfast but his apprentice, one of the oldest there at about 20, was on the roof attending to a dodgy extractor fan. He wanted to get this thing fixed before the impending rain came down.
This is roughly what happened :-
Trevor - (shouting from the roof) : CHARLIE !!
Me - WTF does he want?
Jim (spark) - Get off your facking arse and find out.
I got up and walked outside.
I see Trevor is leaning over the rail and he shouts down
' OPEN THE SECOND FUSEBOX FROM THE LEFT AND TAKE OUT THE 50 AMP FUSE, YOU CAN'T MISS IT 'COS ALL THE OTHERS ARE 30 AMP.
I went back in and did it.
About 30 seconds passes by and from the roof
Trevor - IS IT OUT?
Me - YES
Trevor - WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
Me - I JUST DID
Trevor - CVNT!!
Me - BOLLOXS!!
A minute or so passes by and he's back...
Trevor - CHARLIE !!
Me - WHAT NOW, YOU CVNT?
Trevor - PUT IT FACKING BACK.
Me - OKAY
About 30 seconds passes by and from the roof
Trevor - IS IT BACK?
Me - YES.
Trevor - WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
Me - I JUST DID
Trevor - W@NKER
Me - CVNT!!!
This goes on for about another 10 minutes with roughly the same consversation over and over again.
Then it was reduced to
Trevor - OUT
Me - YEH
Trevor - BACK
Me - YEH
Trevor - OUT
Me - YEH
And this went on for about 15 minutes. By now, Trevors spark had returned from breakfast and was sitting in the shop as well. Now I had a mouth full of egg and bacon roll and all language from me became grunts.
Trevor - OUT
Me - UUGGHH
Trevor - BACK
Me - UUUGHH
This went went on for a couple of minutes when Reg, who worked in the research laboratory walked past.
Reg - Morning Charlie
Trevor - OUT
Me - UUGGHH
BAANNNNNNNNGGGG!!!!
Spark in shop - WHAT THE FECK!!!!
Me - Gulping down the last of the roll - TREV, YOU ALRIGHT MATE?
No answer.
Me - TREV ?!?!?!?!?!
Still no answer.
I ran up the vertical ladder to see where Trevor had gone.
I thought the lazy facker had walked acroos the roof to the canteen and gone in for breakfast via the fire exit. He hadn't though. He was flat out on the roof - electrocuted.
It turns out thay my 'UUGGHH' to say hello to Reg had been misinterpreted by Trevor that I had took the 50 amp fuse out of the fusebox.
We laughed afterwards, but my governor gave me a bollocking for it as it had to be reported as a 'near miss' accident.
Miserable cvnt :(
This was a genuine accident, but everybody else thought it was my practical joke.
I would never endanger life for the sake of a joke.
Our electricians shop was next to a small research lab, and about 20 yards away from the much bigger fitters shop on the opposite side of the internal road.
Above us were two offices, one for the Chief Engineer, and another for his secretary. I was sitting on a bench reading a paper and two sparks were writing out job sheets. The third spark had gone to breakfast but his apprentice, one of the oldest there at about 20, was on the roof attending to a dodgy extractor fan. He wanted to get this thing fixed before the impending rain came down.
This is roughly what happened :-
Trevor - (shouting from the roof) : CHARLIE !!
Me - WTF does he want?
Jim (spark) - Get off your facking arse and find out.
I got up and walked outside.
I see Trevor is leaning over the rail and he shouts down
' OPEN THE SECOND FUSEBOX FROM THE LEFT AND TAKE OUT THE 50 AMP FUSE, YOU CAN'T MISS IT 'COS ALL THE OTHERS ARE 30 AMP.
I went back in and did it.
About 30 seconds passes by and from the roof
Trevor - IS IT OUT?
Me - YES
Trevor - WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
Me - I JUST DID
Trevor - CVNT!!
Me - BOLLOXS!!
A minute or so passes by and he's back...
Trevor - CHARLIE !!
Me - WHAT NOW, YOU CVNT?
Trevor - PUT IT FACKING BACK.
Me - OKAY
About 30 seconds passes by and from the roof
Trevor - IS IT BACK?
Me - YES.
Trevor - WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
Me - I JUST DID
Trevor - W@NKER
Me - CVNT!!!
This goes on for about another 10 minutes with roughly the same consversation over and over again.
Then it was reduced to
Trevor - OUT
Me - YEH
Trevor - BACK
Me - YEH
Trevor - OUT
Me - YEH
And this went on for about 15 minutes. By now, Trevors spark had returned from breakfast and was sitting in the shop as well. Now I had a mouth full of egg and bacon roll and all language from me became grunts.
Trevor - OUT
Me - UUGGHH
Trevor - BACK
Me - UUUGHH
This went went on for a couple of minutes when Reg, who worked in the research laboratory walked past.
Reg - Morning Charlie
Trevor - OUT
Me - UUGGHH
BAANNNNNNNNGGGG!!!!
Spark in shop - WHAT THE FECK!!!!
Me - Gulping down the last of the roll - TREV, YOU ALRIGHT MATE?
No answer.
Me - TREV ?!?!?!?!?!
Still no answer.
I ran up the vertical ladder to see where Trevor had gone.
I thought the lazy facker had walked acroos the roof to the canteen and gone in for breakfast via the fire exit. He hadn't though. He was flat out on the roof - electrocuted.
It turns out thay my 'UUGGHH' to say hello to Reg had been misinterpreted by Trevor that I had took the 50 amp fuse out of the fusebox.
We laughed afterwards, but my governor gave me a bollocking for it as it had to be reported as a 'near miss' accident.
Miserable cvnt :(
A little bit about two blokes I met at that job.
I'll start with Harry, or if you're reading in**ney, 'arry.
Harry was without doubt an ugly **. If he had gone to Hollywood a couple of years later he'd gave got cast in 'Deliverance' with no need for make up... The only thing I found surprising about Harry was that he was a facking good dart player, and in the Stratford and District League he hardly ever lost a singles match. Harry was right handed, he was also blind in his right eye.
The other bloke was from Jamaica. About 5 feet 7 or 8, but very stocky, and at a guess, 50 years old. He knew I used to box and quite often we used to lark about, square up and spar for fun.
I was over 6 feet tall but a lot lighter than him.
Once, he said ' Come on bwah, jerk me ribs dem.' So I stood up and as I went to jab him in the ribs, he put his hands on his head!!
I pulled the punch, even though it wasn't hard and he said ' Bwah, hit me.'
I shook my head and asked why he wasn't defending himself.
'Ya hits like a girlie ' he said and started to laugh ' Jerk de ribs dem, come on.'
I hit him in the ribs, not that hard, but hard enough to hurt a bit.
He laughed 'Yas awright bwah. Now go before I swats ya like a fly.'
So I went off to wherever I was going.
After dinner I was talking to a fitter and asked what it was all about, not defending himself.
The fitter said 'He longs for the old days he does this now and again.'
So I asked what he did in the old days, and was he a fighter. It turns out my punches wouldn't have hurt at all.
He moved to the UK In the early 1960s, but back home he was an ex-sparring partner of Rocky Marciano. :)
I'll start with Harry, or if you're reading in**ney, 'arry.
Harry was without doubt an ugly **. If he had gone to Hollywood a couple of years later he'd gave got cast in 'Deliverance' with no need for make up... The only thing I found surprising about Harry was that he was a facking good dart player, and in the Stratford and District League he hardly ever lost a singles match. Harry was right handed, he was also blind in his right eye.
The other bloke was from Jamaica. About 5 feet 7 or 8, but very stocky, and at a guess, 50 years old. He knew I used to box and quite often we used to lark about, square up and spar for fun.
I was over 6 feet tall but a lot lighter than him.
Once, he said ' Come on bwah, jerk me ribs dem.' So I stood up and as I went to jab him in the ribs, he put his hands on his head!!
I pulled the punch, even though it wasn't hard and he said ' Bwah, hit me.'
I shook my head and asked why he wasn't defending himself.
'Ya hits like a girlie ' he said and started to laugh ' Jerk de ribs dem, come on.'
I hit him in the ribs, not that hard, but hard enough to hurt a bit.
He laughed 'Yas awright bwah. Now go before I swats ya like a fly.'
So I went off to wherever I was going.
After dinner I was talking to a fitter and asked what it was all about, not defending himself.
The fitter said 'He longs for the old days he does this now and again.'
So I asked what he did in the old days, and was he a fighter. It turns out my punches wouldn't have hurt at all.
He moved to the UK In the early 1960s, but back home he was an ex-sparring partner of Rocky Marciano. :)
Have i like to remind 2 mates about.
1. Mate i lived with about 7-8yrs ago, we came back to the gaff after 4-5pints, went to bed, i heard him get up about 10mins later to go for a pi$$, so i got up went into his room, and hide in his wardrobe! He went back to bed, i waited about 2mins- felt like 20!!! Then jumped out, he nearly shat himself!!!!
I lost the power in my legs from laughin!!!! :D
2. Another mate, i'd just moved out(in with the missus) called over to collect some of my stuff(he stored in his room), he was still in work, the light bulb was gone in his room, it had an en-suite, so i removed the bulb there too, and put cling-film over the toilet! ;)
Got him big style!!! :D
1. Mate i lived with about 7-8yrs ago, we came back to the gaff after 4-5pints, went to bed, i heard him get up about 10mins later to go for a pi$$, so i got up went into his room, and hide in his wardrobe! He went back to bed, i waited about 2mins- felt like 20!!! Then jumped out, he nearly shat himself!!!!
I lost the power in my legs from laughin!!!! :D
2. Another mate, i'd just moved out(in with the missus) called over to collect some of my stuff(he stored in his room), he was still in work, the light bulb was gone in his room, it had an en-suite, so i removed the bulb there too, and put cling-film over the toilet! ;)
Got him big style!!! :D
*Have 2 stories i like to remind 2 mates about* ^^^
First line should read.
First line should read.
I've copied all my tales from that old thread on the other forum that were posted in 2007.
And there are some on there that I copied from here, including EO and the grub he rubbed around his wedding tackle. :^0
And there are some on there that I copied from here, including EO and the grub he rubbed around his wedding tackle. :^0
Someone once played a practical joke on me by shiitting in the stew I was making for my steak pie.
I had to throw half of it out.
I had to throw half of it out.
Banquo i can`t believe you only threw half of it out.You must have been well hungry :-)
Aranged for a funeral van to pick up a dead person,who answered
the door ,was funny at the time ,but not so ,looking back.
the door ,was funny at the time ,but not so ,looking back.
i was working with a jesus freak , he kept lecturing all the time , we had a lass wanadee glamour model i noticed he kept glancing her way , so i asked her to play a windup , he was always banging on about no sex before marraige all the time , we got her to undo a few bottons she had whoppers , asked him for nookie above canteen , we were all hiding behind pallets , he went for it big time , he was so humiliated he left and never came back ...
he turned into linford christie to get above the canteen , lolol..
he turned into linford christie to get above the canteen , lolol..
Some superb ones here!
My fav one....
In first year of Uni, me and a few mates were all staying in the same floor of halls of residence as each other. Me and my best mate at the time were the only virgins there and were trying to see who could lose it first. I was gutted when I found out he met this gorgeous bird one night and agreed to go on a date. After 2 or 3 dates, it was obvious they were thinking of moving things forward and that night they said they were going to have sex.
I had the forsight to purchase a load of non latex condoms (allergic) when I started uni (just gathering dust mind you), whereas my mate had not. Knowing he was going to ask me for one, and the thought of their headboard banging against my wall while he porked this fit lass just made me seeth with rage. So I had an idea.
I carefully opened one condom and took it out. I then went to my cupboard and got out fast acting deep heat type cream, and proceeded to put a small amount in the 'man side' part of the condom.
I then put it back in the wrapper, and glued it all up.
I told a few of my other mates what had I had done, and if he asked them for condoms, to say ask me.
Sure enough, later on a knock at my door. Handed him the goods and he went out to fetch his new girl. I think they were watching a dvd or something, but as soon as the room went quiet, I knew that was our cue. Me and the lads, just sat quietly outside his room trying desperately not to laugh... and then it started. Every minute that passed (and fair play to the lad, he kept going) you could tell he was getting more and more uncomfortable, until he started to scream / shoun / cry. At this point we were p!ssing ourselves and so retired to the communal games room.
Apparently she was a bit freaked out by it all, but I did own up to what I did and she found the funny side and he got his reward a few nights later. Suppose the joke was on me, as the condoms were pretty much expired before I got to use them!!
My fav one....
In first year of Uni, me and a few mates were all staying in the same floor of halls of residence as each other. Me and my best mate at the time were the only virgins there and were trying to see who could lose it first. I was gutted when I found out he met this gorgeous bird one night and agreed to go on a date. After 2 or 3 dates, it was obvious they were thinking of moving things forward and that night they said they were going to have sex.
I had the forsight to purchase a load of non latex condoms (allergic) when I started uni (just gathering dust mind you), whereas my mate had not. Knowing he was going to ask me for one, and the thought of their headboard banging against my wall while he porked this fit lass just made me seeth with rage. So I had an idea.
I carefully opened one condom and took it out. I then went to my cupboard and got out fast acting deep heat type cream, and proceeded to put a small amount in the 'man side' part of the condom.
I then put it back in the wrapper, and glued it all up.
I told a few of my other mates what had I had done, and if he asked them for condoms, to say ask me.
Sure enough, later on a knock at my door. Handed him the goods and he went out to fetch his new girl. I think they were watching a dvd or something, but as soon as the room went quiet, I knew that was our cue. Me and the lads, just sat quietly outside his room trying desperately not to laugh... and then it started. Every minute that passed (and fair play to the lad, he kept going) you could tell he was getting more and more uncomfortable, until he started to scream / shoun / cry. At this point we were p!ssing ourselves and so retired to the communal games room.
Apparently she was a bit freaked out by it all, but I did own up to what I did and she found the funny side and he got his reward a few nights later. Suppose the joke was on me, as the condoms were pretty much expired before I got to use them!!
Housemate was having some money problems so investigated a company called Covance - one of these try out their pills & potions on poor people in exchange for cash companies. A letter arrived for him so we steamed it open, scanned it, changed whatever pills they were investigating to "catheter insertion techniques". He went for it, called the company to find out it was genuine...unsurprisingly discovered it wasnt.
Summer 1968
Three jobs later (I tended to get sacked a lot in my youth... )
Ii did say these were long. :)
Out on the lorry as a drivers mate, we returned to the yard every night to unload. The lorry is loaded with butchers waste from shops and supermarkets. The fat was unloaded at John Knights in Silvertown. If you buy Knights Castille soap (no idea if it's still available) you're washing your face with the the
fatty bits from cows, sheep and pigs...
Feel better now?
The bone came back to our yard in Stratford for crushing. Back in the bone yard the first step is to get the lorry on to the weighbridge. The driver and his mate had to stand in front of the office window while the clerk weighed the vehicle. While they are in sight of the clerk he mistakenly believed that nobody was hidden in the vehicle and that the weight was correct.
In truth, all drivers mates were jumping in and out of each others vehicles and hiding in the back while they were being weighed. There was no CCTV in those days, and if 4 mates hid in a vehicle it made an average of an extra 5cwt. (hundredweight) on the scale, or in todays terms (for the benefit of you young whippersnappers) about 250 kgs. This was worth £2 in the drivers pocket every night, which added up well for the driver, and the mates never had to pay for breakfast at all.
The normal place to hide was inside 45 gallon drums, or behind the drums if they were full. As you may imagine the stench from this yard made sure it was quite a way to any residential areas and the main road where the bus stop was situated .Because it was a fair walk to the bus stop, any mates who never had cars or bikes, waited for drivers to go up the lane to the main road and cadged lifts. For this reason there were always mates in the mess room after they had finished work for the day at 4-30 p.m.
Harry Vince, an elderly driver from Ilford, was a great practical joker. He came into the drivers mess room one night and asked for 4 mates to jump inside the vehicle parked at the gates, and told then they would get a dollar (25p) each, cash. Me and 3 others jumped up and hid in the back. A dollar each for being driven 50 yards, then sneaking back out of the gate and walking back to the mess room was a bargain
Well it would have been if we had got in the right ** lorry.
There was another firm of butchers waste collectors in Bow, and one of their drivers was Bill, who was Harrys brother, but we never knew this at the time. The lorry was a similar colour to ours, dark green, and nobody noticed the different name on the doors as we were heading for the back of it, which was open, with no doors. We got settled, and within a few moments we heard the engine start. Off we went, and as we were hiding we couldn't see where the lorry was going. After a minute or so it became obvious we weren't going to the bone yard as we had travelled too far.
Somebody jumped up and looked out of the back. 'W'ere at Bow ** Flyover' he said. We all jumped up to look, and wondered what the fcuk was going on. Within another 30 seconds we were in the outside lane of the 3 lane main road and heading towards Stratford town centre, to turn right into Abbey Lane, a short cut to Canning Town. Then somebody twigged what had happened. There were no bones on the vehicle. Bill had offloaded his bone at our yard first, and was now setting off for John Knights in Silvertown to offload his fat.
Knights had security guards who also had to watch out for mates like us, as the price of fat and suet was a fair bit higher than bone. With over 100 lorries a day in and out of their depot, fraud on the weighbridge would be expensive. Everybody started to bang on the headboard, which Bill totally ignored until it got quieter along Silvertown Way. He stopped about 100 yards from Knights main gate and came to the back of the vehicle and told us all to get off. He said it was just a joke and he would pick us up on the way out and then go back to his yard in Bow, which was within half a mile of our yard in Stratford. I ddn't care much as Knights yard was over 4 miles from our yard, but I only lived about a mile away from Knights, on the other side of the Royal Docks. I bade them farewell and went over the railway pedestrian bridge and I was home in about 15 minutes.
When I got in the next day there was ** uproar in the mess room. Bill had come out of Knights but instead of turning left to the bus stop to pick up the other mates, he had turned right. took the road to East Ham for the A13, and had gone home to Stanford Le Hope in Essex.
By the time the mates walked back to Stratford to get their own clothes, it was past 8-00 p.m. They all complained to Jimmy Moss the transport manager who said ' Not one of my lorries, not interested, so you can all fcuk right off.'
Mossy did disclose at a later date that he laughed his head off after he had chucked them out of the office.
Three jobs later (I tended to get sacked a lot in my youth... )
Ii did say these were long. :)
Out on the lorry as a drivers mate, we returned to the yard every night to unload. The lorry is loaded with butchers waste from shops and supermarkets. The fat was unloaded at John Knights in Silvertown. If you buy Knights Castille soap (no idea if it's still available) you're washing your face with the the
fatty bits from cows, sheep and pigs...
Feel better now?
The bone came back to our yard in Stratford for crushing. Back in the bone yard the first step is to get the lorry on to the weighbridge. The driver and his mate had to stand in front of the office window while the clerk weighed the vehicle. While they are in sight of the clerk he mistakenly believed that nobody was hidden in the vehicle and that the weight was correct.
In truth, all drivers mates were jumping in and out of each others vehicles and hiding in the back while they were being weighed. There was no CCTV in those days, and if 4 mates hid in a vehicle it made an average of an extra 5cwt. (hundredweight) on the scale, or in todays terms (for the benefit of you young whippersnappers) about 250 kgs. This was worth £2 in the drivers pocket every night, which added up well for the driver, and the mates never had to pay for breakfast at all.
The normal place to hide was inside 45 gallon drums, or behind the drums if they were full. As you may imagine the stench from this yard made sure it was quite a way to any residential areas and the main road where the bus stop was situated .Because it was a fair walk to the bus stop, any mates who never had cars or bikes, waited for drivers to go up the lane to the main road and cadged lifts. For this reason there were always mates in the mess room after they had finished work for the day at 4-30 p.m.
Harry Vince, an elderly driver from Ilford, was a great practical joker. He came into the drivers mess room one night and asked for 4 mates to jump inside the vehicle parked at the gates, and told then they would get a dollar (25p) each, cash. Me and 3 others jumped up and hid in the back. A dollar each for being driven 50 yards, then sneaking back out of the gate and walking back to the mess room was a bargain
Well it would have been if we had got in the right ** lorry.
There was another firm of butchers waste collectors in Bow, and one of their drivers was Bill, who was Harrys brother, but we never knew this at the time. The lorry was a similar colour to ours, dark green, and nobody noticed the different name on the doors as we were heading for the back of it, which was open, with no doors. We got settled, and within a few moments we heard the engine start. Off we went, and as we were hiding we couldn't see where the lorry was going. After a minute or so it became obvious we weren't going to the bone yard as we had travelled too far.
Somebody jumped up and looked out of the back. 'W'ere at Bow ** Flyover' he said. We all jumped up to look, and wondered what the fcuk was going on. Within another 30 seconds we were in the outside lane of the 3 lane main road and heading towards Stratford town centre, to turn right into Abbey Lane, a short cut to Canning Town. Then somebody twigged what had happened. There were no bones on the vehicle. Bill had offloaded his bone at our yard first, and was now setting off for John Knights in Silvertown to offload his fat.
Knights had security guards who also had to watch out for mates like us, as the price of fat and suet was a fair bit higher than bone. With over 100 lorries a day in and out of their depot, fraud on the weighbridge would be expensive. Everybody started to bang on the headboard, which Bill totally ignored until it got quieter along Silvertown Way. He stopped about 100 yards from Knights main gate and came to the back of the vehicle and told us all to get off. He said it was just a joke and he would pick us up on the way out and then go back to his yard in Bow, which was within half a mile of our yard in Stratford. I ddn't care much as Knights yard was over 4 miles from our yard, but I only lived about a mile away from Knights, on the other side of the Royal Docks. I bade them farewell and went over the railway pedestrian bridge and I was home in about 15 minutes.
When I got in the next day there was ** uproar in the mess room. Bill had come out of Knights but instead of turning left to the bus stop to pick up the other mates, he had turned right. took the road to East Ham for the A13, and had gone home to Stanford Le Hope in Essex.
By the time the mates walked back to Stratford to get their own clothes, it was past 8-00 p.m. They all complained to Jimmy Moss the transport manager who said ' Not one of my lorries, not interested, so you can all fcuk right off.'
Mossy did disclose at a later date that he laughed his head off after he had chucked them out of the office.
Players/Officials: Mushtaq Ahmed | Marcus Trescothick
Teams: Somerset
Mushtaq Ahmed was our overseas player at Somerset for a while in the nineties.
There was this one time when it had been raining all afternoon and we were all very, very bored. If you know Mushy, he could sometimes get to be a very annoying little character, especially on a day like that when you're stuck in the change room and it's pouring. So a bunch of us, I think we were eight in all, decided to do something about him.
We put him down on a chair and wrapped him around with tape so he couldn't move at all. We then carried the chair and stuck it in the middle of the pitch and had a little laugh at him. He stayed there for about 10 minutes before managing to escape and came back running - and wet - back to the change room. He was shouting a lot but it's probably not worth repeating!
Teams: Somerset
Mushtaq Ahmed was our overseas player at Somerset for a while in the nineties.
There was this one time when it had been raining all afternoon and we were all very, very bored. If you know Mushy, he could sometimes get to be a very annoying little character, especially on a day like that when you're stuck in the change room and it's pouring. So a bunch of us, I think we were eight in all, decided to do something about him.
We put him down on a chair and wrapped him around with tape so he couldn't move at all. We then carried the chair and stuck it in the middle of the pitch and had a little laugh at him. He stayed there for about 10 minutes before managing to escape and came back running - and wet - back to the change room. He was shouting a lot but it's probably not worth repeating!
Had a mate that I lived with at Uni who every saturday did an afternoon early evening shift at the Student Union, he would finish at about 9pm and then we would meet up and go out on the shark.
Anyway, it was in the days when the lottery had just started and this lad was obsessed with winning it and would** a tenner a week trying, which for a student back then was not small spuds. Subsequently he would ask me to write down the numbers every week and the first thing he would do when we came back in at stupid 'o' clock would be to check em.
You can see where this is going, no doubt. I dug around in his room, found his ticket and wrote down the numbers of one of his lines, jumbled up for effect.
Had a brilliant night on the sauce and we both struck lucky with some lasses. As soon as I got mine back to my room, I told her what I had done and we both just waited, giggling, for the explosion.
It never came. There was a knock on the door from his lass who said that he looked at his ticket, went white as a sheet and then just dropped like a stone! He perked up about 2 minutes later and ran round the house whooping and roaring, took him ages to clock that we were pi55ing ourselves and even longer for the realisation to sink in, he just flopped down, devestated, didnt even have the energy to call me a cvnt. I didn't think I would ever stop crying, was as weak as a kitten.
Anyway, it was in the days when the lottery had just started and this lad was obsessed with winning it and would** a tenner a week trying, which for a student back then was not small spuds. Subsequently he would ask me to write down the numbers every week and the first thing he would do when we came back in at stupid 'o' clock would be to check em.
You can see where this is going, no doubt. I dug around in his room, found his ticket and wrote down the numbers of one of his lines, jumbled up for effect.
Had a brilliant night on the sauce and we both struck lucky with some lasses. As soon as I got mine back to my room, I told her what I had done and we both just waited, giggling, for the explosion.
It never came. There was a knock on the door from his lass who said that he looked at his ticket, went white as a sheet and then just dropped like a stone! He perked up about 2 minutes later and ran round the house whooping and roaring, took him ages to clock that we were pi55ing ourselves and even longer for the realisation to sink in, he just flopped down, devestated, didnt even have the energy to call me a cvnt. I didn't think I would ever stop crying, was as weak as a kitten.
Once shared a taxi home after nightclubbing with an aquiantance of my then girlfriend.Got to her place first and she invited me in for a drink,naturally i accepted.Unfortunately my amorous advances were rejected due to the fact she knew my gf though we chatted for 2 hours before she said she was off to bed,but i was welcome to kip in the basement.At 9-30 her gorgeous housemate came in said she was just boiling the kettle ,would i like a cup of tea? I was feeling extremely rough and said no thanks but im off home now.Was half way home when the flashback hit me.Id woken in the night bladder bursting,after a quick fruitless search for the toilet I found myself in the kitchen,it may have been that i couldnt reach the sink or anger at not getting my oats but I filled the kettle full of piiss and went back to sleep.Sorry girls genuinely ashamed,although not sure they ever knew
Had a couple of bricklayers on site who were advertising for more brickies in the evening standard as they had landed another big job and had no one to do it so they were desperate and were sat in the site office groaning and waiting forthe phone to ring.
So i popped out phoned the head office and told them the score and said phone in and tell them yer a brickie and need a start
Pops back in to see the reaction from the boys , first a seikh who wanted to know if he could work without a helmet , then a poofter , then a woman who wanted to know if she could have her own toilet facilities and so on . Between each call they would put their head in their hands and take them on witha oh my god what can you do cant be sexist racist etc , i stopped when one one of them nearly started crying and i,m winding them up saying this new client will have laugh when you pillo cks turn up as fred karno,s army etc
Rather than admit it was me i scarpered and took a week off as it was getting a tad serious and they would have killed me.
Even though they were the worlds worst at making out a wall had fallen on them , finding a 2nd world war bomb and sticking it in the sand , dummy cut off fingers in a tobacco tin etc
no craic on sites anymore
So i popped out phoned the head office and told them the score and said phone in and tell them yer a brickie and need a start
Pops back in to see the reaction from the boys , first a seikh who wanted to know if he could work without a helmet , then a poofter , then a woman who wanted to know if she could have her own toilet facilities and so on . Between each call they would put their head in their hands and take them on witha oh my god what can you do cant be sexist racist etc , i stopped when one one of them nearly started crying and i,m winding them up saying this new client will have laugh when you pillo cks turn up as fred karno,s army etc
Rather than admit it was me i scarpered and took a week off as it was getting a tad serious and they would have killed me.
Even though they were the worlds worst at making out a wall had fallen on them , finding a 2nd world war bomb and sticking it in the sand , dummy cut off fingers in a tobacco tin etc
no craic on sites anymore
Like Big Charlie I've done loads of jobs:
As a young chap I trained as a nurse (feck me I could tell you some stories) and was working nights on a busy medical ward. This one night we were quiet and when we were quiet I usually had a bit of fun.
I sent the couple of student nurses I was working with for their break and whilst they were there I told them we were getting a new patient in. When they came out I told them that the poor fella had passed away shortly after arriving. I told them I was going for my break and could they get him ready to go to the mortuary. When they went to get the stuff to prepare the body I nipped into the side room where "he" was and hid under the covers.
You can guess the rest. What I didn't guess was that one of them would run out of the room when I sat up groaning and run screaming to the next ward across the corridor. Once again I was in trouble.
As a young chap I trained as a nurse (feck me I could tell you some stories) and was working nights on a busy medical ward. This one night we were quiet and when we were quiet I usually had a bit of fun.
I sent the couple of student nurses I was working with for their break and whilst they were there I told them we were getting a new patient in. When they came out I told them that the poor fella had passed away shortly after arriving. I told them I was going for my break and could they get him ready to go to the mortuary. When they went to get the stuff to prepare the body I nipped into the side room where "he" was and hid under the covers.
You can guess the rest. What I didn't guess was that one of them would run out of the room when I sat up groaning and run screaming to the next ward across the corridor. Once again I was in trouble.
LOL at some of these
Another from the boneyard
Imagine the pile of bones that mounts up each day for the crushing and grinding machine. A couple of black blokes operated the machine between them. One would load the conveyor belt with a mechanical shovel attached to a fork lift, the other would make sure that big bits, like cows heads, never jammed the blades.
This machine ran 24 hours a day, Monday to Friday. One afternoon me and my driver got back to find a lot of people hanging around the weighbridge rather than making their way home. We asked what was going on and were told what was going to happen and to wait a minute. One of the black blokes on the machine went to the mess room to get a drink while the other one was on the fork lift truck.
One of the drivers came out from behind the toilets carrying the arms from a tailors dummy. He put them in the bin behind the machine and left them poking out on top of the bones, He then hid behind the pile of bones.
Another driver walked into the fork truck area and started shouting ' DON'T CLIMB UP THERE, IT'S DANGEROUS' .
When the other bloke came back from the mess room and asked who he was shouting at, he raised his voice again 'HARRY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?'
This was the cue for Harry to start screaming his facking head off from behind the pile of bones.
The black bloke ran for the stop switch and shut the conveyor down.
Harry came limping out, sleeves torn at the elbow, with his arms inside his blood covered overalls. His face was also covered in blood, probably taken from a dead pig. This performance rolling about on the floor could have won Harry an Oscar.
Somebody shouted at the black bloke to run behind the machine to try and find Harrys arms while they called an ambulance. When he came out with the dummys arms he was laughing his head off, like the rest of us.
I didn't know when I was 17, that a black man could blush. I do now.
========================================
Whether this is true or nor I can't swear to, but I met one of the drivers mates over West Ham dog track about a year after I had changed jobs.
He said that they had done it again to a new bloke in the yard. But this time Harry came out, head covered in blood, body covered in flour, walking like a zombie.
The geezer on the fork truck ran for his life.
Even after he was told it was all a joke, he still chucked the job in.
One more from the boneyard tomorrow :)
Another from the boneyard
Imagine the pile of bones that mounts up each day for the crushing and grinding machine. A couple of black blokes operated the machine between them. One would load the conveyor belt with a mechanical shovel attached to a fork lift, the other would make sure that big bits, like cows heads, never jammed the blades.
This machine ran 24 hours a day, Monday to Friday. One afternoon me and my driver got back to find a lot of people hanging around the weighbridge rather than making their way home. We asked what was going on and were told what was going to happen and to wait a minute. One of the black blokes on the machine went to the mess room to get a drink while the other one was on the fork lift truck.
One of the drivers came out from behind the toilets carrying the arms from a tailors dummy. He put them in the bin behind the machine and left them poking out on top of the bones, He then hid behind the pile of bones.
Another driver walked into the fork truck area and started shouting ' DON'T CLIMB UP THERE, IT'S DANGEROUS' .
When the other bloke came back from the mess room and asked who he was shouting at, he raised his voice again 'HARRY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?'
This was the cue for Harry to start screaming his facking head off from behind the pile of bones.
The black bloke ran for the stop switch and shut the conveyor down.
Harry came limping out, sleeves torn at the elbow, with his arms inside his blood covered overalls. His face was also covered in blood, probably taken from a dead pig. This performance rolling about on the floor could have won Harry an Oscar.
Somebody shouted at the black bloke to run behind the machine to try and find Harrys arms while they called an ambulance. When he came out with the dummys arms he was laughing his head off, like the rest of us.
I didn't know when I was 17, that a black man could blush. I do now.
========================================
Whether this is true or nor I can't swear to, but I met one of the drivers mates over West Ham dog track about a year after I had changed jobs.
He said that they had done it again to a new bloke in the yard. But this time Harry came out, head covered in blood, body covered in flour, walking like a zombie.
The geezer on the fork truck ran for his life.
Even after he was told it was all a joke, he still chucked the job in.
One more from the boneyard tomorrow :)
Well seeing as we are telling stories about other people I've got another couple:
A mate went to a new girlfriends house for sunday lunch and wanted to make a good impression as they were quite well off. Apparently it was a bit of a regular thing with all the family getting together grandparents and all. Before dinner he needed a shiit and in doing so he blocked the bog up. He didn't know what to do and so set about fishing out the sodden bog roll and turds. For some strange reason which he never could explain he hit on the bright idea of flinging the lot into next doors garden. Job done and toilet working again he went back downstairs to continue the meet the in laws routine after having averted a potential catastrophe.
A short time later the wife came in and asked if everybody would like to come through into the conservatory for dinner. After taking his seat and making a bit of small talk he looked up to see that his aim hadn't been quite what he thought as a great big turd and plenty of sopping toilet roll sat proudly on the top of the conservatory.
A mate went to a new girlfriends house for sunday lunch and wanted to make a good impression as they were quite well off. Apparently it was a bit of a regular thing with all the family getting together grandparents and all. Before dinner he needed a shiit and in doing so he blocked the bog up. He didn't know what to do and so set about fishing out the sodden bog roll and turds. For some strange reason which he never could explain he hit on the bright idea of flinging the lot into next doors garden. Job done and toilet working again he went back downstairs to continue the meet the in laws routine after having averted a potential catastrophe.
A short time later the wife came in and asked if everybody would like to come through into the conservatory for dinner. After taking his seat and making a bit of small talk he looked up to see that his aim hadn't been quite what he thought as a great big turd and plenty of sopping toilet roll sat proudly on the top of the conservatory.
And on the same theme another mate pulled a bird when absolutely off his face and took her back to his place. So inebriated was he that (he swore for the only time ever) he shat the bed during the night.
He awoke to find shiit smeared all over the place and faced with this awful situation he did what any right thinking gentleman would do. He woke the girl up and calling her all the names under the sun he played merry hell with her for soiling his sheets.
He awoke to find shiit smeared all over the place and faced with this awful situation he did what any right thinking gentleman would do. He woke the girl up and calling her all the names under the sun he played merry hell with her for soiling his sheets.
once boiled the contents of a pot noodle int he office electric kettle.
dont thinkt he coffe drinkers were very impressed with the cuppas
dont thinkt he coffe drinkers were very impressed with the cuppas
Used a video camera to record a lingering shot of my toilet.
Put it on the lounge TV when a mates bird went to the loo.
She came into the lounge after finishing her ablutions to see the empty toilet video on the TV.
My mate then asked, 'Nice dump?'
She ran out crying.
Put it on the lounge TV when a mates bird went to the loo.
She came into the lounge after finishing her ablutions to see the empty toilet video on the TV.
My mate then asked, 'Nice dump?'
She ran out crying.
WARNING - NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH...OR GAYERS...
Another one from the boneyard.
Spring 1969 and good looking hunk that I was... I had been cured of my virginal disease and was on the hunt for objects to practice my shafting moves on.
I fancied a girl in a supermarket in Rayleigh in Essex. I tried to chat to her 2 or 3 times but she ignored me, so she was obviously a lesbian :) and her mates laughed at my attempts to chat to her.
So I carried on lugging sacks of fat and bone out to the lorry. On our travels we used to get quite a few rabbit skins so I got in the back of the lorry the following week and filled one with chicken guts and cradled it in my arms to hold the guts in.
I walked in the back of the supermarket and all the girls could see was the rabbits head. I put my fingers on his back and pulled the skin. The rabbits ears moved as the skin stretched. :)
Suddenly, I'm facking popular.
Females are so gullible, and wanted to see the little bunny rabbit :^0
I turned my back to them and walked towards the butchers block, and with the rabbit out of sight of them I pretended it had bitten me. I picked up a wooden mallet and put the rabbit on the block.
I said 'Bite me ya bastid, I'll facking show you.' I waited until a girl got by the side of me, then I let fly with the mallet, and chicken guts sprayed all over her and the wall.
And she was immediately sick :^0
I still never got a date, even when I explained it was a joke.
I also got banned from going in there again, which didn't please my driver too much. :(
Another one from the boneyard.
Spring 1969 and good looking hunk that I was... I had been cured of my virginal disease and was on the hunt for objects to practice my shafting moves on.
I fancied a girl in a supermarket in Rayleigh in Essex. I tried to chat to her 2 or 3 times but she ignored me, so she was obviously a lesbian :) and her mates laughed at my attempts to chat to her.
So I carried on lugging sacks of fat and bone out to the lorry. On our travels we used to get quite a few rabbit skins so I got in the back of the lorry the following week and filled one with chicken guts and cradled it in my arms to hold the guts in.
I walked in the back of the supermarket and all the girls could see was the rabbits head. I put my fingers on his back and pulled the skin. The rabbits ears moved as the skin stretched. :)
Suddenly, I'm facking popular.
Females are so gullible, and wanted to see the little bunny rabbit :^0
I turned my back to them and walked towards the butchers block, and with the rabbit out of sight of them I pretended it had bitten me. I picked up a wooden mallet and put the rabbit on the block.
I said 'Bite me ya bastid, I'll facking show you.' I waited until a girl got by the side of me, then I let fly with the mallet, and chicken guts sprayed all over her and the wall.
And she was immediately sick :^0
I still never got a date, even when I explained it was a joke.
I also got banned from going in there again, which didn't please my driver too much. :(
I put condoms in my best mate trousers and his wife found them.. what I thought was very funny nearly ended in divorce.
i tell ye summat, this aint a practical joke, i had a bird, but she had her ain bit and I had mine, and I had to come back to my bit to check my mail, but I knew I had flavoured condoms in my drawers in the living room
so am in my house for 5 mins, and I knew I had the flavoured johnnies in my drawers in the living rooms, there was a strawberry one, and for some reason, I wanted to suck on the strawberry one, while I was on the **ter to see what the flavour was like..............sucked it on my 2 fingers, wisnae bad but left it on my bathroom windae-sill and that was that
couple months later, she comes to my bit and she seen the condom and started accusing me of every old sh!t, and what did I do?
that's the sh!te I get on here and at work
so am in my house for 5 mins, and I knew I had the flavoured johnnies in my drawers in the living rooms, there was a strawberry one, and for some reason, I wanted to suck on the strawberry one, while I was on the **ter to see what the flavour was like..............sucked it on my 2 fingers, wisnae bad but left it on my bathroom windae-sill and that was that
couple months later, she comes to my bit and she seen the condom and started accusing me of every old sh!t, and what did I do?
that's the sh!te I get on here and at work
I've mentioned these on another thread a while back.a friend who is ruthless with practical jokes, downloaded a photo of a woman in a compromising position with a horse,and pritt sticked it to the back of his co workers clipboard,he worked as a guide showing people around new apartments.When he went to Spain he sent postcards with gay leather clad bikers on them to workmates but mis - adressed to houses in the same road or a couple of doors away etc,saying they'd had a wonderful time and now was the time to stop being in denial and admit they were gay.My uncle used to work in a rubber reclamation plant,filthy work,one day a newbie arrived,and they started eating lollipops in front of him,they said the work was so dehydrating they were allowed a weekly lollipop allowance to keep their saliva levels up,so he goes off to the office asking for a lollipop allowance form
those 3 stories are brilliant rockin horse. The middle one is defo worth a try
think woman with a horse would be a step too far, but just writing "I don't know what i'm talking about" on the back of a clipboard would be funny
Get back at your bird who's been **ing on you by sky plussing the lottery, buy the winning numbers for the following week, then get her to make a cuppa when its next on, start last weeks draw up and enjoy...
Larry's Codpiece. 11 Nov 23:07
And on the same theme another mate pulled a bird when absolutely off his face and took her back to his place. So inebriated was he that (he swore for the only time ever) he shat the bed during the night.
He awoke to find shiit smeared all over the place and faced with this awful situation he did what any right thinking gentleman would do. He woke the girl up and calling her all the names under the sun he played merry hell with her for soiling his sheets.
heard that one too. in frank skinner's autobiography
And on the same theme another mate pulled a bird when absolutely off his face and took her back to his place. So inebriated was he that (he swore for the only time ever) he shat the bed during the night.
He awoke to find shiit smeared all over the place and faced with this awful situation he did what any right thinking gentleman would do. He woke the girl up and calling her all the names under the sun he played merry hell with her for soiling his sheets.
heard that one too. in frank skinner's autobiography
Was reading charlies one about bloke pretending to have his arms and then head choppedoff. it was about 4am here, yet i was giggling like a little schoolgirl.
Rob, factory humour is a lot different to office humour but they're all funny in their own right.
my uncles rubber factory again,one hot steaming midsummer night all the fire doors were left open to get some air in,there were about 10 people on night shift playing cards when a gigantic hideous black bug flew into the mess room everyone started panicking apart from the factory hard case 6 foot 5 and built like brick outhouse, "sit down and pick yer cards up yer bunch of girls,I've never seen anything like it grown men scared of a bleedin' beetle" about half an hour later someone got a rizla cigarette paper and scrunched it up,as he was passing he slyly dropped it down the back of the hard case's collar,he shreiked out like a 7 year old girl himself booting the table over with his size 12s, tea,fags cards,chairs strewn everywhre shouting get that bleedin' thing off me
The earlier practical joker,put a Mercedes in Auto Trader ludicrously underpriced,the victims mobile phone was jammed up with callers for three days
I've got loads form the other forum I was on.
Another one from the boneyard
Somebody high up in our head office, wherever that was, decided to buy a new lorry for the fleet and scrap an old one. The one being scrapped was a Ford. I don't know the model, but strangely, I can remember the registration number, it was CUW 404C. The new one was a Ford Cargo, G-reg. The mechanic, Mick, was half greek-half martian I think. He also had a sense of humour, and just for a quick joke he did this. A driver was sitting at the table in the mess room eating saveloy and ***** which was placed on his left, and engrossed in a copy of The Angling Times, placed on his right. Directly in front of him was a big tray with all the drivers and mates cups on it. As he was reaching for his lunch without looking, Mick undid his flies and layed his donkey sized knob on the ***** Mick expected the driver to grab it and put it straight down, but he was so engrossed in the paper that he gently pulled it, so Mick moved closer. After two more gentle tugs. while he was engrossed, he looked around to see Micks bell end about two inches from his mouth.
He never finished his lunch
If only Polaroid cameras were about in those days :^0
=======================================================
So, on to the tale of the Ford Cargo. Drivers mates took it in turns to do a week in the garage with Mick. This was my week. All went well with the Cargo, and when the driver, Johnny, booked a week off for a holiday, the lorry came in to the garage for a service. Nobody had noticed until Mossy tried to reverse it into the garage that it was too tall to go in the door as it was a good deal higher than the other vehicles. Somebody shouted out for him to stop, so he parked it outside the door.
Mick came out of the mess room and said ' Piece of p1ss. Boy, (term of endearment) get a trolley jack under the back, then let the facking tyres down.' I did as I was told, and Mick got a fork lift under the front. He slowly pushed the lorry into the garage and I guided it back in a straight line with the trolley jack. Ten minutes later he was working on it. The following afternoon Mick said to put the trolley jack under the front, and he would get the fork truck, get behind the Cargo and push it out into the yard.
Once again, a piece of p1ss
I made a pot of tea while Mick put his tools away and after tea all I had to do was turn the compressor on and inflate the tyres. I did the back tyres then got called to the office to go to the cafe for the boss. I got back, went to the compressor and turned it on. Silence. I went to the mains box, the handle was in the 'ON' position. I called Mossy out of the office and he looked at the compressor, turned it on, but it wouldn't start.
'I'll phone for a sparks' he said. 15 minutes later the sparks arrived.
He looked over it with Mick and Mossy while I had a smoke outside.
They came out and Mick said ' It's facked.'
I was about to put the kettle on again when Mossy walked past me to his car. ' Come with me.' he said.
He opened the boot of his car, gave me a facking foot pump and said ' Get on with it, I want that motor out on the roadside before the fleet get back, otherwise it will block the yard up.'
I looked at the lorry, the front tyres looked like facking pancakes. :(
I don't know if any of you have ever tried pumping up lorry tyres with a foot pump, but it's facking hard work!!! I have no idea how long it took, but it was a long while, and I was knackered when I had finished. I gave Mossy his pump back and sat in the mess room, totally bolloxed. It wasn't unusual for Mick to give mates a dollar (25p) now and again for working well.
As he passed me there were about 8 drivers in the mess room. He smiled and said 'EEYYARR, boy, this is for you.'
I put my hand out expecting a dollar.
No such luck.
What he dropped into my hand was the fuse for the bastid compressor junction box.
And the drivers laughed their facking heads off.
**ts!!
Another one from the boneyard
Somebody high up in our head office, wherever that was, decided to buy a new lorry for the fleet and scrap an old one. The one being scrapped was a Ford. I don't know the model, but strangely, I can remember the registration number, it was CUW 404C. The new one was a Ford Cargo, G-reg. The mechanic, Mick, was half greek-half martian I think. He also had a sense of humour, and just for a quick joke he did this. A driver was sitting at the table in the mess room eating saveloy and ***** which was placed on his left, and engrossed in a copy of The Angling Times, placed on his right. Directly in front of him was a big tray with all the drivers and mates cups on it. As he was reaching for his lunch without looking, Mick undid his flies and layed his donkey sized knob on the ***** Mick expected the driver to grab it and put it straight down, but he was so engrossed in the paper that he gently pulled it, so Mick moved closer. After two more gentle tugs. while he was engrossed, he looked around to see Micks bell end about two inches from his mouth.
He never finished his lunch
If only Polaroid cameras were about in those days :^0
=======================================================
So, on to the tale of the Ford Cargo. Drivers mates took it in turns to do a week in the garage with Mick. This was my week. All went well with the Cargo, and when the driver, Johnny, booked a week off for a holiday, the lorry came in to the garage for a service. Nobody had noticed until Mossy tried to reverse it into the garage that it was too tall to go in the door as it was a good deal higher than the other vehicles. Somebody shouted out for him to stop, so he parked it outside the door.
Mick came out of the mess room and said ' Piece of p1ss. Boy, (term of endearment) get a trolley jack under the back, then let the facking tyres down.' I did as I was told, and Mick got a fork lift under the front. He slowly pushed the lorry into the garage and I guided it back in a straight line with the trolley jack. Ten minutes later he was working on it. The following afternoon Mick said to put the trolley jack under the front, and he would get the fork truck, get behind the Cargo and push it out into the yard.
Once again, a piece of p1ss
I made a pot of tea while Mick put his tools away and after tea all I had to do was turn the compressor on and inflate the tyres. I did the back tyres then got called to the office to go to the cafe for the boss. I got back, went to the compressor and turned it on. Silence. I went to the mains box, the handle was in the 'ON' position. I called Mossy out of the office and he looked at the compressor, turned it on, but it wouldn't start.
'I'll phone for a sparks' he said. 15 minutes later the sparks arrived.
He looked over it with Mick and Mossy while I had a smoke outside.
They came out and Mick said ' It's facked.'
I was about to put the kettle on again when Mossy walked past me to his car. ' Come with me.' he said.
He opened the boot of his car, gave me a facking foot pump and said ' Get on with it, I want that motor out on the roadside before the fleet get back, otherwise it will block the yard up.'
I looked at the lorry, the front tyres looked like facking pancakes. :(
I don't know if any of you have ever tried pumping up lorry tyres with a foot pump, but it's facking hard work!!! I have no idea how long it took, but it was a long while, and I was knackered when I had finished. I gave Mossy his pump back and sat in the mess room, totally bolloxed. It wasn't unusual for Mick to give mates a dollar (25p) now and again for working well.
As he passed me there were about 8 drivers in the mess room. He smiled and said 'EEYYARR, boy, this is for you.'
I put my hand out expecting a dollar.
No such luck.
What he dropped into my hand was the fuse for the bastid compressor junction box.
And the drivers laughed their facking heads off.
**ts!!
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