Someone once played a practical joke on me by shiitting in the stew I was making for my steak pie.

I had to throw half of it out.

Aranged for a funeral van to pick up a dead person,who answered
the door ,was funny at the time ,but not so ,looking back.

Some superb ones here!

My fav one....

In first year of Uni, me and a few mates were all staying in the same floor of halls of residence as each other. Me and my best mate at the time were the only virgins there and were trying to see who could lose it first. I was gutted when I found out he met this gorgeous bird one night and agreed to go on a date. After 2 or 3 dates, it was obvious they were thinking of moving things forward and that night they said they were going to have sex.
I had the forsight to purchase a load of non latex condoms (allergic) when I started uni (just gathering dust mind you), whereas my mate had not. Knowing he was going to ask me for one, and the thought of their headboard banging against my wall while he porked this fit lass just made me seeth with rage. So I had an idea.
I carefully opened one condom and took it out. I then went to my cupboard and got out fast acting deep heat type cream, and proceeded to put a small amount in the 'man side' part of the condom.

I then put it back in the wrapper, and glued it all up.

I told a few of my other mates what had I had done, and if he asked them for condoms, to say ask me.

Sure enough, later on a knock at my door. Handed him the goods and he went out to fetch his new girl. I think they were watching a dvd or something, but as soon as the room went quiet, I knew that was our cue. Me and the lads, just sat quietly outside his room trying desperately not to laugh... and then it started. Every minute that passed (and fair play to the lad, he kept going) you could tell he was getting more and more uncomfortable, until he started to scream / shoun / cry. At this point we were p!ssing ourselves and so retired to the communal games room.

Apparently she was a bit freaked out by it all, but I did own up to what I did and she found the funny side and he got his reward a few nights later. Suppose the joke was on me, as the condoms were pretty much expired before I got to use them!!

Summer 1968
Three jobs later (I tended to get sacked a lot in my youth... )

Ii did say these were long. :)

Out on the lorry as a drivers mate, we returned to the yard every night to unload. The lorry is loaded with butchers waste from shops and supermarkets. The fat was unloaded at John Knights in Silvertown. If you buy Knights Castille soap (no idea if it's still available) you're washing your face with the the
fatty bits from cows, sheep and pigs...

Feel better now?

The bone came back to our yard in Stratford for crushing. Back in the bone yard the first step is to get the lorry on to the weighbridge. The driver and his mate had to stand in front of the office window while the clerk weighed the vehicle. While they are in sight of the clerk he mistakenly believed that nobody was hidden in the vehicle and that the weight was correct.

In truth, all drivers mates were jumping in and out of each others vehicles and hiding in the back while they were being weighed. There was no CCTV in those days, and if 4 mates hid in a vehicle it made an average of an extra 5cwt. (hundredweight) on the scale, or in todays terms (for the benefit of you young whippersnappers) about 250 kgs. This was worth £2 in the drivers pocket every night, which added up well for the driver, and the mates never had to pay for breakfast at all.

The normal place to hide was inside 45 gallon drums, or behind the drums if they were full. As you may imagine the stench from this yard made sure it was quite a way to any residential areas and the main road where the bus stop was situated .Because it was a fair walk to the bus stop, any mates who never had cars or bikes, waited for drivers to go up the lane to the main road and cadged lifts. For this reason there were always mates in the mess room after they had finished work for the day at 4-30 p.m.

Harry Vince, an elderly driver from Ilford, was a great practical joker. He came into the drivers mess room one night and asked for 4 mates to jump inside the vehicle parked at the gates, and told then they would get a dollar (25p) each, cash. Me and 3 others jumped up and hid in the back. A dollar each for being driven 50 yards, then sneaking back out of the gate and walking back to the mess room was a bargain

Well it would have been if we had got in the right ** lorry.

There was another firm of butchers waste collectors in Bow, and one of their drivers was Bill, who was Harrys brother, but we never knew this at the time. The lorry was a similar colour to ours, dark green, and nobody noticed the different name on the doors as we were heading for the back of it, which was open, with no doors. We got settled, and within a few moments we heard the engine start. Off we went, and as we were hiding we couldn't see where the lorry was going. After a minute or so it became obvious we weren't going to the bone yard as we had travelled too far.

Somebody jumped up and looked out of the back. 'W'ere at Bow ** Flyover' he said. We all jumped up to look, and wondered what the fcuk was going on. Within another 30 seconds we were in the outside lane of the 3 lane main road and heading towards Stratford town centre, to turn right into Abbey Lane, a short cut to Canning Town. Then somebody twigged what had happened. There were no bones on the vehicle. Bill had offloaded his bone at our yard first, and was now setting off for John Knights in Silvertown to offload his fat.

Knights had security guards who also had to watch out for mates like us, as the price of fat and suet was a fair bit higher than bone. With over 100 lorries a day in and out of their depot, fraud on the weighbridge would be expensive. Everybody started to bang on the headboard, which Bill totally ignored until it got quieter along Silvertown Way. He stopped about 100 yards from Knights main gate and came to the back of the vehicle and told us all to get off. He said it was just a joke and he would pick us up on the way out and then go back to his yard in Bow, which was within half a mile of our yard in Stratford. I ddn't care much as Knights yard was over 4 miles from our yard, but I only lived about a mile away from Knights, on the other side of the Royal Docks. I bade them farewell and went over the railway pedestrian bridge and I was home in about 15 minutes.

When I got in the next day there was ** uproar in the mess room. Bill had come out of Knights but instead of turning left to the bus stop to pick up the other mates, he had turned right. took the road to East Ham for the A13, and had gone home to Stanford Le Hope in Essex.

By the time the mates walked back to Stratford to get their own clothes, it was past 8-00 p.m. They all complained to Jimmy Moss the transport manager who said ' Not one of my lorries, not interested, so you can all fcuk right off.'

Mossy did disclose at a later date that he laughed his head off after he had chucked them out of the office.

Had a mate that I lived with at Uni who every saturday did an afternoon early evening shift at the Student Union, he would finish at about 9pm and then we would meet up and go out on the shark.

Anyway, it was in the days when the lottery had just started and this lad was obsessed with winning it and would** a tenner a week trying, which for a student back then was not small spuds. Subsequently he would ask me to write down the numbers every week and the first thing he would do when we came back in at stupid 'o' clock would be to check em.

You can see where this is going, no doubt. I dug around in his room, found his ticket and wrote down the numbers of one of his lines, jumbled up for effect.

Had a brilliant night on the sauce and we both struck lucky with some lasses. As soon as I got mine back to my room, I told her what I had done and we both just waited, giggling, for the explosion.

It never came. There was a knock on the door from his lass who said that he looked at his ticket, went white as a sheet and then just dropped like a stone! He perked up about 2 minutes later and ran round the house whooping and roaring, took him ages to clock that we were pi55ing ourselves and even longer for the realisation to sink in, he just flopped down, devestated, didnt even have the energy to call me a cvnt. I didn't think I would ever stop crying, was as weak as a kitten.

Had a couple of bricklayers on site who were advertising for more brickies in the evening standard as they had landed another big job and had no one to do it so they were desperate and were sat in the site office groaning and waiting forthe phone to ring.

So i popped out phoned the head office and told them the score and said phone in and tell them yer a brickie and need a start

Pops back in to see the reaction from the boys , first a seikh who wanted to know if he could work without a helmet , then a poofter , then a woman who wanted to know if she could have her own toilet facilities and so on . Between each call they would put their head in their hands and take them on witha oh my god what can you do cant be sexist racist etc , i stopped when one one of them nearly started crying and i,m winding them up saying this new client will have laugh when you pillo cks turn up as fred karno,s army etc

Rather than admit it was me i scarpered and took a week off as it was getting a tad serious and they would have killed me.

Even though they were the worlds worst at making out a wall had fallen on them , finding a 2nd world war bomb and sticking it in the sand , dummy cut off fingers in a tobacco tin etc

no craic on sites anymore

LOL at some of these

Another from the boneyard

Imagine the pile of bones that mounts up each day for the crushing and grinding machine. A couple of black blokes operated the machine between them. One would load the conveyor belt with a mechanical shovel attached to a fork lift, the other would make sure that big bits, like cows heads, never jammed the blades.

This machine ran 24 hours a day, Monday to Friday. One afternoon me and my driver got back to find a lot of people hanging around the weighbridge rather than making their way home. We asked what was going on and were told what was going to happen and to wait a minute. One of the black blokes on the machine went to the mess room to get a drink while the other one was on the fork lift truck.

One of the drivers came out from behind the toilets carrying the arms from a tailors dummy. He put them in the bin behind the machine and left them poking out on top of the bones, He then hid behind the pile of bones.

Another driver walked into the fork truck area and started shouting ' DON'T CLIMB UP THERE, IT'S DANGEROUS' .

When the other bloke came back from the mess room and asked who he was shouting at, he raised his voice again 'HARRY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?'

This was the cue for Harry to start screaming his facking head off from behind the pile of bones.

The black bloke ran for the stop switch and shut the conveyor down.

Harry came limping out, sleeves torn at the elbow, with his arms inside his blood covered overalls. His face was also covered in blood, probably taken from a dead pig. This performance rolling about on the floor could have won Harry an Oscar.

Somebody shouted at the black bloke to run behind the machine to try and find Harrys arms while they called an ambulance. When he came out with the dummys arms he was laughing his head off, like the rest of us.

I didn't know when I was 17, that a black man could blush. I do now.

========================================
Whether this is true or nor I can't swear to, but I met one of the drivers mates over West Ham dog track about a year after I had changed jobs.

He said that they had done it again to a new bloke in the yard. But this time Harry came out, head covered in blood, body covered in flour, walking like a zombie.

The geezer on the fork truck ran for his life.

Even after he was told it was all a joke, he still chucked the job in.

One more from the boneyard tomorrow :)

And on the same theme another mate pulled a bird when absolutely off his face and took her back to his place. So inebriated was he that (he swore for the only time ever) he shat the bed during the night.

He awoke to find shiit smeared all over the place and faced with this awful situation he did what any right thinking gentleman would do. He woke the girl up and calling her all the names under the sun he played merry hell with her for soiling his sheets.

Used a video camera to record a lingering shot of my toilet.

Put it on the lounge TV when a mates bird went to the loo.

She came into the lounge after finishing her ablutions to see the empty toilet video on the TV.

My mate then asked, 'Nice dump?'

She ran out crying.

WARNING - NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH...OR GAYERS...

Another one from the boneyard.

Spring 1969 and good looking hunk that I was... I had been cured of my virginal disease and was on the hunt for objects to practice my shafting moves on.

I fancied a girl in a supermarket in Rayleigh in Essex. I tried to chat to her 2 or 3 times but she ignored me, so she was obviously a lesbian :) and her mates laughed at my attempts to chat to her.

So I carried on lugging sacks of fat and bone out to the lorry. On our travels we used to get quite a few rabbit skins so I got in the back of the lorry the following week and filled one with chicken guts and cradled it in my arms to hold the guts in.

I walked in the back of the supermarket and all the girls could see was the rabbits head. I put my fingers on his back and pulled the skin. The rabbits ears moved as the skin stretched. :)

Suddenly, I'm facking popular.

Females are so gullible, and wanted to see the little bunny rabbit :^0

I turned my back to them and walked towards the butchers block, and with the rabbit out of sight of them I pretended it had bitten me. I picked up a wooden mallet and put the rabbit on the block.

I said 'Bite me ya bastid, I'll facking show you.' I waited until a girl got by the side of me, then I let fly with the mallet, and chicken guts sprayed all over her and the wall.

And she was immediately sick :^0

I still never got a date, even when I explained it was a joke.

I also got banned from going in there again, which didn't please my driver too much. :(

i tell ye summat, this aint a practical joke, i had a bird, but she had her ain bit and I had mine, and I had to come back to my bit to check my mail, but I knew I had flavoured condoms in my drawers in the living room

so am in my house for 5 mins, and I knew I had the flavoured johnnies in my drawers in the living rooms, there was a strawberry one, and for some reason, I wanted to suck on the strawberry one, while I was on the **ter to see what the flavour was like..............sucked it on my 2 fingers, wisnae bad but left it on my bathroom windae-sill and that was that

couple months later, she comes to my bit and she seen the condom and started accusing me of every old sh!t, and what did I do?

that's the sh!te I get on here and at work

those 3 stories are brilliant rockin horse. The middle one is defo worth a try

Get back at your bird who's been **ing on you by sky plussing the lottery, buy the winning numbers for the following week, then get her to make a cuppa when its next on, start last weeks draw up and enjoy...

Was reading charlies one about bloke pretending to have his arms and then head choppedoff. it was about 4am here, yet i was giggling like a little schoolgirl.

my uncles rubber factory again,one hot steaming midsummer night all the fire doors were left open to get some air in,there were about 10 people on night shift playing cards when a gigantic hideous black bug flew into the mess room everyone started panicking apart from the factory hard case 6 foot 5 and built like brick outhouse, "sit down and pick yer cards up yer bunch of girls,I've never seen anything like it grown men scared of a bleedin' beetle" about half an hour later someone got a rizla cigarette paper and scrunched it up,as he was passing he slyly dropped it down the back of the hard case's collar,he shreiked out like a 7 year old girl himself booting the table over with his size 12s, tea,fags cards,chairs strewn everywhre shouting get that bleedin' thing off me

I've got loads form the other forum I was on.

Another one from the boneyard

Somebody high up in our head office, wherever that was, decided to buy a new lorry for the fleet and scrap an old one. The one being scrapped was a Ford. I don't know the model, but strangely, I can remember the registration number, it was CUW 404C. The new one was a Ford Cargo, G-reg. The mechanic, Mick, was half greek-half martian I think. He also had a sense of humour, and just for a quick joke he did this. A driver was sitting at the table in the mess room eating saveloy and ***** which was placed on his left, and engrossed in a copy of The Angling Times, placed on his right. Directly in front of him was a big tray with all the drivers and mates cups on it. As he was reaching for his lunch without looking, Mick undid his flies and layed his donkey sized knob on the ***** Mick expected the driver to grab it and put it straight down, but he was so engrossed in the paper that he gently pulled it, so Mick moved closer. After two more gentle tugs. while he was engrossed, he looked around to see Micks bell end about two inches from his mouth.
He never finished his lunch

If only Polaroid cameras were about in those days :^0
=======================================================
So, on to the tale of the Ford Cargo. Drivers mates took it in turns to do a week in the garage with Mick. This was my week. All went well with the Cargo, and when the driver, Johnny, booked a week off for a holiday, the lorry came in to the garage for a service. Nobody had noticed until Mossy tried to reverse it into the garage that it was too tall to go in the door as it was a good deal higher than the other vehicles. Somebody shouted out for him to stop, so he parked it outside the door.

Mick came out of the mess room and said ' Piece of p1ss. Boy, (term of endearment) get a trolley jack under the back, then let the facking tyres down.' I did as I was told, and Mick got a fork lift under the front. He slowly pushed the lorry into the garage and I guided it back in a straight line with the trolley jack. Ten minutes later he was working on it. The following afternoon Mick said to put the trolley jack under the front, and he would get the fork truck, get behind the Cargo and push it out into the yard.

Once again, a piece of p1ss

I made a pot of tea while Mick put his tools away and after tea all I had to do was turn the compressor on and inflate the tyres. I did the back tyres then got called to the office to go to the cafe for the boss. I got back, went to the compressor and turned it on. Silence. I went to the mains box, the handle was in the 'ON' position. I called Mossy out of the office and he looked at the compressor, turned it on, but it wouldn't start.

'I'll phone for a sparks' he said. 15 minutes later the sparks arrived.

He looked over it with Mick and Mossy while I had a smoke outside.

They came out and Mick said ' It's facked.'

I was about to put the kettle on again when Mossy walked past me to his car. ' Come with me.' he said.

He opened the boot of his car, gave me a facking foot pump and said ' Get on with it, I want that motor out on the roadside before the fleet get back, otherwise it will block the yard up.'

I looked at the lorry, the front tyres looked like facking pancakes. :(

I don't know if any of you have ever tried pumping up lorry tyres with a foot pump, but it's facking hard work!!! I have no idea how long it took, but it was a long while, and I was knackered when I had finished. I gave Mossy his pump back and sat in the mess room, totally bolloxed. It wasn't unusual for Mick to give mates a dollar (25p) now and again for working well.

As he passed me there were about 8 drivers in the mess room. He smiled and said 'EEYYARR, boy, this is for you.'

I put my hand out expecting a dollar.

No such luck.

What he dropped into my hand was the fuse for the bastid compressor junction box.

And the drivers laughed their facking heads off.

**ts!!