A homophobic riposte could see Jeff Brazier exit the Dancing On Ice scene this week, says Eliot Pollak, while it seems that Sam Attwater is set for a smooth skate to DoI 'glory' . . .
Ah, sexism. Not an area we would ever stray into in this column. But during a week in which the word 'banter' has been subjected to an investigation so rigoruous, it makes water-boarding look like a quick shower, it may be worth chipping in with some D on I related interpretations.
Jeff Brazier will certainly be grateful to the Sky duo for hogging the headlines this week, following his dubious quip at gay judge Jason Gardiner regarding 'insemination'.
Due to double standards and general misplaced media hysteria however, it has entirely escaped everybody's attention. Brazier may however have lost the gay vote - and at risk of putting two and two together and getting it all wrong (in this PC week of all PC weeks!!!), a hunch suggests that the gay vote may be essential to winning the Dancing On Ice trophy. Of course, heterosexual men, women (both heterosexual and homosexual) and indeed those who do not fit into any of those narrow categories, are also at liberty to enjoy the show, and perhaps even vote. But we're not saying they have to. Up to them really. Okay, think we've covered that one now...
In light of all this, Brazier is 8.0 to be the sixth eviction this week, and that may be money well spent. Our overall tip remains Sam Attwater (now priced as short as 1.74), running away from the field faster than Richard Keys leaving a WI meeting.
Elsewhere, ongoing whispers are hinting at the odd 'smash' ensuing between Jennifer Metcalfe and her ice dance partner, someone or other. Their speculative love making will have, fittingly, been put on ice earlier this week when she went crashing into said hard surface, taking a chunk out of her beautiful thigh, which one imagines to be an integral element in the 'smashing' process. Will it heal in time? In short, yes.
Metcalfe is currently third favourite in the 'Top Woman' category, priced at an alluring 5.6. At 6.2 and just behind her is Kerry Katona, who is feeling wonderfully confident after having had her stretch marks miraculously zapped at an expensive clinic. Tired, working-class mothers watching will no doubt find that very inspiring.
And finally, Vanilla Ice hilariously called Keanu Reeves "canoe" by accident once. He has also been laughed at by The Sun for copping a quick glance at his ice dance partner's rounded bottom. Because as we've seen this week, that conduct in 2011 Britain is simply unacceptable.
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